Posts Tagged ‘Rant’
HolyDude emailed me this comic and — oh em eff gee — I had to share it with you guys:
Whathefa? Seriously? Seriously?? Mo actually ordered people to drink camel piss? News to me! I looked up the verse to verify that this is actually what it says, and guess what? The full hadith is waaaaay more fucked up than just a little urophagia.
Narrated Abu Qilaba:
Anas said, “Some people of ‘Ukl or ‘Uraina tribe came to Medina and its climate did not suit them. So the Prophet ordered them to go to the herd of (Milch) camels and to drink their milk and urine (as a medicine).
Mohammed ordered a tribe to drink a camel milk-n-pee smoothie to cure their aversion to dryness? OK. I get that. According to Wikipedia, urine therapy was a form of alternative medicine in several ancient cultures. See? Alternative medicine was just as silly and kooky then as it is now. People are advised against drinking urine because it might — besides just being plain old gross — give them a rash. Or, as in the case of the ‘Ukl / ‘Uraina tribe, it might cause….urine madness.
So they went as directed and after they became healthy, they killed the shepherd of the Prophet and drove away all the camels.
The pee-drinkers turned into pee-zombies and killed a guy. Then they chased away the camels, which is dumb considering that’s where their “medication” is coming from.
How did the good prophet react to all of this? With vengeance, of course!
The news reached the Prophet early in the morning and he sent (men) in their pursuit and they were captured and brought at noon. He then ordered to cut their hands and feet (and it was done), and their eyes were branded with heated pieces of iron, They were put in ‘Al-Harra’ and when they asked for water, no water was given to them.”
Did you catch all of that? One more time, in bulleted form:
- Mo had the tribe captured.
- He had their hands and feet cut off.
- He branded their eyes with hot iron.
- He dumped them in Al-Harrah (a large volcanic field near the Jordanian border)…
- …with no water. So they can’t even make more piss to drink.
Wow. Just wow. And in case you’re thinking maybe Mo wasn’t such a nice guy after all, the hadith ends with some good old fashioned enabling:
Abu Qilaba said, “Those people committed theft and murder, became infidels after embracing Islam and fought against Allah and His Apostle.”
It’s never Mo’s fault when he has to torture and murder someone. It’s their fault. It’s always their fault. He’s great, you’re crap!
Anyway, here’s what seems more likely to me. Mo tells the tribe to drink the “medicine” and they believe him. They believe in him enough to drink warm camel milk (desert, remember?) mixed with warm camel pee (pee’s warm). This does nothing for their climate woes, and they realize just how full of shit Mo was. They got pissed (no pun intended), killed the shepherd and chased away the camels in revenge. And you know the rest.
And with that, I’m off to make a pee-milkshake to cure my aching buttcheeks. I had one of those killer workouts yesterday that left everything from the waist down in agony. Hurts. So. Good! Have a lovely Saturday and I’ll be back soon with more desert fun. Stay tuned!
Yup. Saturdays are bitchy rant time. Only this time, it’s not me doing the ranting.
If you’ve been following along in the comments sections of the past few posts, you’ve probably seen the novel-length comments left by a Muslim named Nissa. She* went through and dive-bombed a bunch of posts with her Muslim take on things (ie “You’re wrong, God is right.”), but I published only 2 of the 9 comments she made. Why? Because she’s commenting on posts from 3 months ago. Nobody’s tracked those comments in, well, 3 months. What’s the point?
Either way, a few people got a kick out of the published comments and asked me to publish the mysterious “other” comments for their entertainment. Happy to oblige! I took screen grabs of her posts from my spam box. The only changes I’ve made have been to black out the email & IP addresses.
* I’m assuming Nissa is a female since I’ve never met a boy named Nissa in all my life.
Here’s what old Nissa had to say about the second post from chapter 2 (Women suck. And Jews suck, too.). Remember that from way back in July?
This one is from chapter 2, part 3 (Oooh heaven is a place on earth.):
Chapter 2, part 4 (The cow in question, plus other Quranic silliness.):
I know I said I wasn’t ranting in this one, but I can’t keep my mouth shut. She had to go and drag coffee into it. First off — I am nobody’s servant. So I have a hard time tracking that don’t-ask-questions line of thought. And I dunno where Nissa orders her coffee, but here’s how it plays out at the places I go.
What would you like?
– Large….extra large. Wait, do you have anything bigger than extra large? OK, fine, I’ll just take the large and come back in an hour for a refill.
You want milk in that?
Whole? Skim? Cream? Half & half?
– Surprise me!
How about sugar?
– Packet of Splenda, pleaseandthankyou.
There is no if-you-say-jump-I-say-how-high in my life. There are conversations. Exchanges. So maybe I just don’t get it.
Also, if I had a secretary, I wouldn’t ask him to get coffee for me. And I wouldn’t call him a secretary either. That’s so 1950s. Maybe this is just in the area I live, but if you asked an administrative assistant to fetch you a cup of coffee, he’d throw a piping hot cup of it all over your face. And if he didn’t, I’d do it for him.
And since we’re talking about bosses and coffee, I might as well share this. On a few occasions when I’ve had to work superlate, my boss has gone out to get me coffee. He even remembered the Splenda, because he’s awesome like that. Boy, I really don’t know where I was going with any of that. I just get a little defensive when coffee gets dragged into it.
Lets move on to the comment from chapter 4, part 1 (A scientific miracle in the Quran. Not.):
And chapter 4, part 2 (Mohammed’s Wager?):
(Note: on the occasions that I “dig” in the hadith to find details about things, I get angry emails from Muslims saying I’m obviously using the wrong hadith. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t.)
(Note: suddenly the hadith aren’t so convenient, are they? They describe Mohammed sucking on a kid’s tongue. One more time? Sucking. Kid’s. Tongue. My grandpa gave me plenty of kisses, but, um, he kept his tongue out of it. Just sayin’.)
And, even though Nissa does not wish to post any further:
Well, shit, now that I see it written in all caps, I believe it!
Yiish. I tried my best to keep my comments to a minimum, but it’s hard. It’s really hard. Now it’s your turn. All of you who asked me to post the comments — have a field day. Comment away!
A couple of days ago, I got a comment that I’ve been thinking about a lot. It was from a nice, moderate Muslim commenter named Nimmy. No, I’m not being sarcastic — she is quite nice, even though we disagree on pretty much everything about Islam, the Quran and, I imagine, even life. Case in point: she thinks buttsex will give you infections and diseases, and I say if buttsex is your thing, stock up on lube and wrap that sucker up.
You know how PZ Meyers (correction, Myers, one e. Thanks, Barefoot Bum!) posts some of the batshitass crazy emails and death threats he gets from jackasses? I love him for that. PZ has balls the size of Montana. They’re so big that he doesn’t even need a chair at his computer desk. He just plops down on his own balls. They’re so big, his balls, that he can’t fit in a car. He uses his giant balls as a hippity-hop to bounce his ass to work. He even has airbags installed inside his belly button! Safety first!
Anyway, I love reading those posts because it exposes a level of crazy that I don’t see in my day-to-day life. Um, until this blog started, that is.