We read the Quran so you don’t have to.

A real update. With family fun!

with 25 comments

Hey check it out.  It’s a real update!  It’s late and I should be asleep, but my schedule’s been pretty out-of-whack since New Years’ Eve.  I actually went out for a change, and I went a little overboard with the drinking.  OK fine.  I went WAY overboard with the drinking.  KafirBoy and I have a shared BFF who was visiting from Minnesota and he knows how to bring out that wild side that goes dormant when you’ve been in a long-term relationship for a while.  You know what I’m talking about? That side of you that want so chug rum till you black out?  I did not have a pretty January 1st.  I’m pretty sure a part of my liver died.

I don’t usually do the whole new years’ resolution thing, but it seemed like a good idea this time around.  I’ve got three:

1.    Join the gym so I don’t feel like a total lump from sitting in front of the computer at work 12 hours a day.
2.    Stop being a shoe-aholic.  Seriously.  It’s a problem.  I don’t want to be the cutest girl in the poor house.
3.    Blog.  More frequently.  And, you know, try not to vanish for a month and a half without warning.  I still feel bad about it, ya’ll.  I’ll try to make time and be more regular with the writing.  It may not all be about the Quran, because that book is fucking depressing and boring.

I was planning on blogging over Thanksgiving, but I didn’t really get a chance.  The part I failed to mention was that my sister got married that week, too.  I ended up being her servant and running errands the whole time.

To top things off, my grandmother noticed my tattoos for the first time.  You remember my grandmother?  The one who thinks the devil owns your left hand? Yup, that one.  She made a big fuss about the whole thing because — get this — God will no longer listen to my prayers.

Crazy Grandma went into some story about how one of her housekeepers back in Pakistan had a tattoo.  She asked the guy how he could do such a thing to himself because it meant God would no longer listen to his prayers.  The guy felt so ashamed that he went and removed his tattoo.  By himself.  Using a knife he held over the kitchen stove till it got red hot.

No. Shit.

The guy felt so guilty about being a “bad Muslim” that he burned off his own skin.  Ouch, dude.  And Crazy Grandma said this like he was some noble person.  Like she actually condoned that kind of thing.  Luckily for me, an aunt stepped in and fought for my honor.  “Where exactly in the Quran does it say that about tattoos?”  And Crazy Grandma was left bumbling around because, seriously, I don’t think she’s actually read the thing in a language other than Arabic.  Good times with the fam.

In a separate incident, I came out of the atheist closet to a couple of cousins who just didn’t get it.  They got kind of angry and defensive and demanded to know how I couldn’t believe in God.  “No evidence.”  One of them replied back, “Oh, so you need evidence for everything, huh?”  All sneery and sarcastic like.  This, by the way, is the same cousin who believes love comes from the heart.  Not the poetic heart, but the actual heart.  The muscle.  You cannot make that shit up.

And, finally, I came out as an atheist to my mother.  Kinda.  Here’s how it went down.  My mother made some comment about how if she ever goes totally senile, she gives us permission to dump her in a nursing home.  Cheerful!  That led to a long conversation about assisted suicide.  I’m a strong supporter and my mother, big fucking duh, is strongly opposed to it.

I told her that if someday I have a horrible fatal disease and I’m suffering, I’d rather just put myself down.  And she went on this huge thing about how it’s against Islam and I’d go to hell if I did such a thing.  And then it slipped out:  “Ohhhh whatever, I don’t believe in any of that.  And if you don’t stop talking about hell, seriously, I’ll fly out to Switzerland right now and sign myself up.”

Guess what?  She stopped talking about it.  Booya!  Life is good.  Even when I don’t have much of it outside of work.  And with that, I’m off to bed.  I’m packing my Quran and a pen in my purse for tomorrow’s commute.  See resolution #3.  I’m sticking to it!


Written by kafirgirl

January 5, 2009 at 1:07 am

Posted in Quran

Tagged with , ,

I’m a jerk.

with 26 comments

Heeeey kafir friends. I’m so sorry for worrying everyone.  I wasn’t honor killed or anything.  I’ve just had a really shiteous couple of months that didn’t leave much time for anything fun.  Here’s what’s been going on in my life lately:

1. They fired some more people at work and put me on even more projects.  I’ve been working late every night for who-knows-how-long.

2. I got a sweet new MacBook…

3. …the same day I found out I owe $3k in taxes.  So I had to take on a stupid, time-consuming freelance project to make ends meet.  Suuuuuuucks.

4. My landlord just raised our rent.

Pretty much all of my free time was spent eating or sleeping, and occasionally doing laundry.  Ever want to really depress yourself?  Take your salary and figure out how much you’re actually getting paid by the hour when you’re working crazy overtime.  Not.  Nice.

I’m on vacation this week and I’ve been sleeping till noon and harassing KafirBoy.  I wish it could last forever, but guess what?  It’s back to the grind next week.  Boo!  Hiss!

I haven’t touched the Quran since things have been outta control.  I’ll pick it up eventually, but I feel like I have too much bullshit to deal with in my day-to-day right now.  The good book was bringing me down, man.  I needed a break.  I promise I’ll be be back at it soon.  And I promise I’ll check in so you guys know I haven’t been beaten up or anything.

Hang tight!  And if you can, please fix the economy so my life can go back to being fun again.  K, thnx.  I’ll be back.

Written by kafirgirl

December 30, 2008 at 6:34 pm

Posted in Quran

I’m still alive.

with 60 comments

But barely.

Work has, again, become too insane for me to keep up with the Quran.  We’re talking 16 hours a day plus weekends.  I do see a light at the end of the tunnel:  I have a week off starting Tuesday.  Whoo.  Whooooo.  I would have put exclamation points at the end of those, but I’m too tired to be excited about anything right now.  I’m spending the week with my parents and I plan on doing nothin but blogging all week long.  You’ll have me back soon, babies.  I promise.  For now, it’s sleep time.

Written by kafirgirl

November 19, 2008 at 11:59 pm

Posted in Quran

14: Abraham (Satan speaketh!)

with 34 comments

I patted my husband on the butt and sent him out so I could have the house all to myself.  Oh, alone time.  What would I do without you?  Probably go door to door, punching people on the noses for being dumbasses.  Tonight, it’s just me, my ice-cold bottle of beer and my Quran.  And my laptop.  And also my Moleskine book that I take notes in.  …technicalities.

Speaking of which, it’s been a while since I’ve updated you on my status with the book.  As of today, I’ve officially read 40% of the Quran!  Looking ahead, the chapters are a lot shorter, and will probably only require a post or two each.  Whoo!  Slowly but surely, we’re finally getting somewhere.  And, on that positive note, lets jump right in and ruin everything with the Quran’s hellspeak!

Read the rest of this entry »

Written by kafirgirl

November 10, 2008 at 9:19 pm

Posted in Quran

Tagged with

Buddha’s secret

with 17 comments

I completely forgot to post photos of that naughty Buddha statue I got in Pakistan for my husband.  A couple of people expressed interest in seeing it, so I’m sharing.  I wouldn’t recommend clicking the jump if you’re at work.  Or if you’re a prude.

Here’s the big guy, sitting pretty on my kitchen counter:


Read the rest of this entry »

Written by kafirgirl

November 8, 2008 at 7:16 pm

Posted in fun

Tagged with

13: Thunder (Part 2 — Scum?)

with 15 comments

Chapter 13 has not been a fun read.  Compared to chapter 12’s Joseph story, 13 is a total snore.  And the sad thing is, it’s not an exception to the good book (and I use the word good in complete and total sarcasm).  13 is just like all the other chapters that preceded it.  Back to the same ol’ same ol’.  The God is greats and God is mercifuls, Mohammed’s persecution complex, gardens of heaven and fires of hell, blahblahblah.  All that’s banal and annoying about religion in general can be found in in chapter 13.

I know it’s still early on in the game, but I’m going to go ahead and declare chapter 12 my favorite one in the Quran.  If the book had a little more of that and a little less of, erm, everything else, I could probably understand why someone would find it an entertaining read.  Now that I’ve talked it up so much, on with the show.

Read the rest of this entry »

Written by kafirgirl

November 8, 2008 at 5:23 pm

Posted in Quran

Tagged with

13: Thunder (Part 1 — Pillars and mountains and fruit, oh my.)

with 27 comments

Hey, did you know that the sun revolves around a flat earth?  Well it does.  At least according to the Quran:

(2) It is God who raised the skies without support, as you can see, then assumed His throne, and enthralled the sun and the moon (so that) each runs to a predetermined course. He disposes all affairs, distinctly explaining every sign that you may be certain of the meeting with your Lord.
(3) It is He who stretched the earth and placed upon it stabilisers and rivers; and made two of a pair of every fruit; (and) He covers up the day with the night. In these are signs for those who reflect.

Oh I’m reflecting alright.  I’m reflecting real hard.

Read the rest of this entry »

Written by kafirgirl

November 5, 2008 at 10:26 pm

Posted in Quran

Tagged with