We read the Quran so you don’t have to.

15: Al-Hijr (Part I — Same ol’, same ol’.)

with 24 comments

I’m dying.

…OK, fine I’m not really dying.  But I do feel like shit.  I have the flu.  I got it when I was telling a sick co-worker of mine to feel better, and she coughed in my face mid-sentence.  No joke.  I had my mouth open and everything, and she coughed in my fucking face.  She didn’t cover her mouth.  She didn’t turn her head.  She looked me in the eye and went *A-HACK!*  Ugh.  I’m getting all queasy just thinking about it.  I’m taking a couple of sick days and using them to blog from my couch.  Whoo!

Something to not Whoo! about:  apparently I’ve already read chapters 15 – 18.  I read them way back before my work life took over my life life.  I made a ton of notes in the margins and everything.  The sad part is that I don’t remember any of this, and I have to sit through those same fucking chapters all over again.  Boo!  Hiss!  I guess that’s what I get for procrastinating.  …still.  Boo!  Hiss!!

Lets get chapter 15 over and done with so we never have to think about it ever again.  OK?  OK!  Jump on in.

Chapter 15 is titled Al-Hijr and it translates to The Rock.  No, not the pro-wrestler turned shitty actor — although I did giggle a little when I thought, “Caaaaan yoooou smellllllll?  What Al-Hijr is cooking?!”

This chapter is loosely based around that rock city.  No, not Detroit — sorry, Kiss fans.  I’m talking about the place in present-day Saudi Arabia where the buildings were carved into big boulders.  It came up a few times in earlier chapters, remember?  God killed everyone to teach them a lesson…which doesn’t make a lot of sense since, you know, they’re dead.

Anyway, I’m going to ruin the ending by throwing this out there:  this chapter isn’t very good.  It’s basically just a reprise of all the same old shit we’ve already seen in chapters 1 – 14.   Check it out:

  1. God calls the Quran a book, even though it wasn’t put into book form until way later (15:1).  Fail!
  2. There’s a warning for non-Muslims that boils down to “Neener neener neener! You’ll be sorry!” (15:2)  Nothing new there.
  3. 15:8 sounds like it’s new, but it really isn’t.  “But then We never send the angels down save with the purpose of enforcing their doom, after which they will not be given more respite.” God says he sent down angels to destroy those 7 civilizations he constantly brags about destroying.  He’s all-powerful yet he has minions do the dirty work for him.  Which makes zero sense.
    Look.  He’s God, right?  He’s the all-powerful kung fu master of the universe?  Isn’t it way more efficient to just *poof* do that shit himself from up in heaven or that throne in the middle of the ocean or wherever the hell else he hangs out these days.  Know what I’m saying?  Why bring angels into it?
  4. Mo’s persecution complex crops up yet again in 15:11 where he boo hoos about how people have always scoffed at apostles.  People have always thought apostles are crazy people.  (Wah! Wah!  Widdle baby want some bweast milk?  Cry me a fucking river, Mo.)
  5. In 15:12, God admits again that he purposely leads some people astray which makes him neither merciful nor benevolent.  It does make him an asshole, but I’ve been saying that all along.
  6. Verse 53 retells the story about Abraham’s wife getting knocked up post-menopause.  And 71 is my favorite story in the Quran: the one where pious old Lot offers up his daughters to be gang-raped by a mob.  The Quran always leaves out the incest part that comes later, and I’ll give Mo a teeny bit of credit for knowing when to shut up.
  7. No chapter in the Quran is complete without some hell talk!  15:43 describes hell as a place with many gates — one for each section of people.  So now I’m picturing hell as a baseball stadium.  Nice!
  8. And 45 – 48 describe heaven in detail:

(45) Verily those who keep away from evil and follow the straight path shall be in the midst of gardens and springs of water.
(46) “Enter in peace and tranquility,” (they will be told).
(47) We shall cast out any grudge they may have in their hearts. (There) they will sit on couches face to face like brothers together.
(48) No weariness will come upon them, nor will they be sent away from there

Gardens?  Springs of water?  Snore.
Peace and tranquility?  A spa!
That last little bit — the part with couches and brothers — that’s the part that made me snort so hard that I actually snotted up my keyboard.  Don’t judge me, jerks.  I’m sick.

So, in heaven, you have to sit around on couches and face one another?  And be brothers?  A) That seems like awkward furniture arrangement, and B) what about the sisters?  Are there no women in heaven?  Do women in heaven not get couches?  Does everyone turn into a man upon reaching heaven?

Before anyone jumps on my case about how I’m a simpleton who just doesn’t “get” the poetic writing of the Quran, check out the first verse in chapter 15:

(1) ALIF LAM RA. These are the verses of the Book and the perspicuous oration.

Perspicuous oration. I had to look that up in a dictionary because I really am a simpleton.   It means — get this shit — “plain reading.”  Seriously, Ahmed Ali, what were you thinking?  Jesus Fucking Christ, someone explain irony to this man.

Regardless, God says the Quran is a plain reading.  Clear.  Obvious.  Understandable.  I should be able to take the words at face value.  So my question is valid:  why does heaven sounds like a sausage-fest?  And where the ladies at?

The only really interesting story that appears in this chapter is the one about Iblis.  We’ve seen this one before, too, but God goes into detail this time…and he kind of makes himself look like an asshole.  That’s coming up in part 2 of chapter 15 which I swear I’ll post in just another couple of hours.  It’s a sick day blogathon — stay tuned!

P.S. It’s good to be back.

P.P.S. Battlestar Galactica, season 4, sitting in my mailbox right now.  Jealous??


Written by kafirgirl

January 7, 2009 at 12:38 pm

Posted in Quran

Tagged with ,

24 Responses

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  1. BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Srsly, I always thought the God in the Bible sounded like an utter asshole, but the God in the Quran makes Biblegod look like nice, well-adjusted dude by comparison.

    Ok, actually, they both seem like total insecure wack-job loonies. So never mind.

    The Perky Skeptic

    January 7, 2009 at 2:18 pm

  2. B) what about the sisters? Are there no women in heaven?

    Of course there are! What about those 72 virgins for the martyrs that blow themselves up in the name of Allah?

    Unless the martyrs are in for a big surprise and the virgins are actually transvestites. Which, when I think about it, is probably something a dick like God would do to his own followers: make them all homophobes, promise them a bunch of women and then set them up for eternity with a harem made entirely of men. Hahahahaha! That’ll learn’em!


    January 7, 2009 at 2:41 pm

  3. You’re ill, and you’re still slogging through this?

    I’m impressed.


    January 7, 2009 at 2:42 pm

  4. You’re still slogging through this? You must be ill!


    January 7, 2009 at 3:20 pm

  5. I’ve got “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” on to counteract the bad juju from the book. I haven’t puked yet!


    January 7, 2009 at 3:41 pm

  6. I’d forgotten how much I enjoyed reading your blog. It’s great to have you back and hope you recover soon!! … or maybe not if you keep blogging through your sickness :))


    January 7, 2009 at 10:03 pm

  7. Slogging through the Quran makes one ill, so why not do it while already ailing?


    January 7, 2009 at 10:57 pm

  8. Yeah I blogged about Allah’s omnipotence and then having angels, (If anyone’s interested: http://statusqu0.wordpress.com/2008/11/30/the-incompatibility-of-angels-with-the-existence-of-a-god/) its like, I can drive my car to work, but you know what I’ll get a money to drive me too work, its possible but is a good idea? That is how silly the idea of angels doing things for an omnipotent deity sound to me. Moreover, it seems like Allah is very human in nature, he gets angry he gets jealous, he destroys things, seem like human emotions to me.

    The concept of hell comes from Judaism, its a copy and paste job, in Israel/Palestine there is a physical place called “Gehenna” which is located in the Valley of Hinnom it used to be a dump in ancient times children used to be sacrificed to the pagan god Molech. The New testament falsely attributes this to a “spiritual” place where sinners/evil will be sent, Islam takes this Christian concept adds a little to it and puts it in the Qur’an, no wonder the Jews never converted on mass to Islam when Mohammed was preaching to them.

    Stat Quo

    January 8, 2009 at 8:28 am

  9. Good to have you back KG. No more time off now! Blogg till you have this puppy finished!


    January 8, 2009 at 2:58 pm

  10. Hey KG hope you feel well. You seem truly dedicated to be blogging with a flu. Btw, isn’t the story of Lot and his daughters plagiarized from the bible. Copyright laws anyone?

    What about the 72 houris for each shaheed in jannat aren’t they supposed to be women? Crap !! Islam is not sending their martyrs to be feasted by 72 gay virgins, is it?

    nitwit nastik

    January 8, 2009 at 7:28 pm

  11. Women aren’t included in the verse because since they’re worth half a man they get to sit on the fucking floor or something degrading of that sort. Remember, just like the bible, this was created by a bunch of illeterate goat herding savages that were sexually maladjusted and inadequate, aside from deathly afraid of women.

    And what’s with the incest stories? The Bible and the Koran include the story of Lot, which promotes incest, as well as the most innocuous one being the Adam and Eve story. Think about it, someone had to commit incest if we start with only 2 people. But don’t worry, the Koran is not the only book that omits the incest in Lot’s case, weekend morning Christian cartoons do too!!


    January 8, 2009 at 8:55 pm

  12. “P.P.S. Battlestar Galactica, season 4, sitting in my mailbox right now. Jealous??”

    Yes, I am, so I’ll spoil it for you. They finally find Earth, but sadly it was inhabited by religious cylons who force Adama to pray 20 times a day. But thankfully Athena intervenes and gives her life for the sin of the Cylons, who in turn end up worshiping her.


    January 9, 2009 at 1:44 am

  13. sweetpityfulmercy, I’ll give it my best shot!

    nitwit, pretty much every major story in the Quran is just a rehash of stories from Christian and Jewish cultures. God 3.0.

    Priest, yup, the Adam & Eve story always freaked me out for that very reason. God is one sick motherfucker (incest!).

    Elis, so the Cylons are God, and then Athena is Jesus, and then Athena is God? Frak me! ….seriously though, I’m already 7 episodes in and it keeps getting better and better. Love!


    January 9, 2009 at 9:01 am

  14. The concept of hell comes from Judaism

    That’s misleading. There is no hell as we define it in the Jewish OT.


    January 9, 2009 at 1:30 pm

  15. “So now I’m picturing hell as a baseball stadium.” :-))
    In 1978, I discovered hell on earth, aka Saudi Arabia.


    January 9, 2009 at 3:16 pm

  16. Muhamad, my father says the same thing!


    January 10, 2009 at 11:09 am

  17. Isn’t it way more efficient to just *poof* do that shit himself from up in heaven or that throne in the middle of the ocean or wherever the hell else he hangs out these days. Know what I’m saying? Why bring angels into it?

    Hey, he’s creating jobs! The economic crisis has hit Heaven as well, apparently.

    If Hell is a baseball stadium, do they sell hot dogs and beer?


    January 10, 2009 at 5:14 pm

  18. GAD, actually to my understanding yes there is no concept of a “Spiritual” hell in Judaism, but Judaism was familiar with a physical, place “Gehenna” which is located in the Valley of Hinnom, it used to be defined as Jews as hell, it was never meant to be taken as a “spiritual hell” the Jews had no concept of a “spiritual hell” the chroniclers of the bible had mistaken this valley as a “spiritual hell” place, but in reality it was always a dump where fires used to be lit perpetually, now in Islam this concept has been adapted from the Christian concept, as a “spiritual hell” hence the Islamic hell being called “jahanam” sounds similar the word “Gehenna” right? well that’s not a coincidence, the Christians and the Muslims had it all mixed up.

    Even Mohammed is called “noor walla” the man of light, that’s the literal translation but it’s actually supposed to be the “illuminated one” i.e. possessing of knowledge.. “Noor” in classical Arabic is “light”, but when it is applied to Mohammed it has a different contextual meaning meaning, heaven is supposed to be “light” or a place of for the “illuminated ones” or enlightened ones… And guess where that idea was stole from? ancient Egypt, in the modern context today you have the concept of “Illuminati” wikipe’dia that shit, it always eventually goes back to some historical group the followers of these beliefs want us to believe it’s something unique to their brand of delusion.

    Stat Quo

    January 10, 2009 at 5:18 pm

  19. Nathan, yes. But they’re 100% pork. Doh!


    January 11, 2009 at 12:45 am

  20. “Nathan, yes. But they’re 100% pork. Doh!” :-)

    Hey, so is your dad an atheist also? If so, wow! I wish my dad was an atheist, but no he was deluded enough to think I needed a “back to roots” experience with some peasants in the backwaters of the Indian subcontinent. Funny thing is that my dad wasn’t particularly a five-times-a-day-praying Muslim anyway.


    January 12, 2009 at 2:56 pm

  21. I wish my dad was an atheist. But nope. He’s a believing man. He prays on Fridays, and I’m sure a few other times here and there. As he gets older, he gets more religious. Sad. BTW, my dad is all about the back to roots experiences you’re talking about. He could never talk any of us into it because we’re all city kids with soft hands and attitude problems.


    January 13, 2009 at 8:52 am

  22. Regarding “perspicuous oration”– hasn’t anyone told Ahmed Ali to eschew obfuscation?


    January 14, 2009 at 3:53 pm

  23. Soft hands? :-) Same here…hands for writing not fighting.

    My parents were confused and they tried to confuse us; on the one hand they wanted us to know and educate ourselves about “Western” culture, and on the other hand they didn’t want us to “become” “Western”, hence the “back to roots” experience. My dad, and also, to an extent, my mum (who is surprisingly open-minded), believe that being born to a Muslim family renders you Muslim, and somehow one is obliged to identify with it. I haven’t identified myself with any religious group since the age of 17/18. I find the whole sticking with your kind silly, like, if I was born I was born to a Jewish mother and people insisted on calling me Jewish even though I’m an atheist.


    January 17, 2009 at 6:54 pm

  24. Oh, damn! Can’t edit. Just seen my mistake at the end of my previous post. :-)


    January 17, 2009 at 6:57 pm

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