We read the Quran so you don’t have to.

A real update. With family fun!

with 25 comments

Hey check it out.  It’s a real update!  It’s late and I should be asleep, but my schedule’s been pretty out-of-whack since New Years’ Eve.  I actually went out for a change, and I went a little overboard with the drinking.  OK fine.  I went WAY overboard with the drinking.  KafirBoy and I have a shared BFF who was visiting from Minnesota and he knows how to bring out that wild side that goes dormant when you’ve been in a long-term relationship for a while.  You know what I’m talking about? That side of you that want so chug rum till you black out?  I did not have a pretty January 1st.  I’m pretty sure a part of my liver died.

I don’t usually do the whole new years’ resolution thing, but it seemed like a good idea this time around.  I’ve got three:

1.    Join the gym so I don’t feel like a total lump from sitting in front of the computer at work 12 hours a day.
2.    Stop being a shoe-aholic.  Seriously.  It’s a problem.  I don’t want to be the cutest girl in the poor house.
3.    Blog.  More frequently.  And, you know, try not to vanish for a month and a half without warning.  I still feel bad about it, ya’ll.  I’ll try to make time and be more regular with the writing.  It may not all be about the Quran, because that book is fucking depressing and boring.

I was planning on blogging over Thanksgiving, but I didn’t really get a chance.  The part I failed to mention was that my sister got married that week, too.  I ended up being her servant and running errands the whole time.

To top things off, my grandmother noticed my tattoos for the first time.  You remember my grandmother?  The one who thinks the devil owns your left hand? Yup, that one.  She made a big fuss about the whole thing because — get this — God will no longer listen to my prayers.

Crazy Grandma went into some story about how one of her housekeepers back in Pakistan had a tattoo.  She asked the guy how he could do such a thing to himself because it meant God would no longer listen to his prayers.  The guy felt so ashamed that he went and removed his tattoo.  By himself.  Using a knife he held over the kitchen stove till it got red hot.

No. Shit.

The guy felt so guilty about being a “bad Muslim” that he burned off his own skin.  Ouch, dude.  And Crazy Grandma said this like he was some noble person.  Like she actually condoned that kind of thing.  Luckily for me, an aunt stepped in and fought for my honor.  “Where exactly in the Quran does it say that about tattoos?”  And Crazy Grandma was left bumbling around because, seriously, I don’t think she’s actually read the thing in a language other than Arabic.  Good times with the fam.

In a separate incident, I came out of the atheist closet to a couple of cousins who just didn’t get it.  They got kind of angry and defensive and demanded to know how I couldn’t believe in God.  “No evidence.”  One of them replied back, “Oh, so you need evidence for everything, huh?”  All sneery and sarcastic like.  This, by the way, is the same cousin who believes love comes from the heart.  Not the poetic heart, but the actual heart.  The muscle.  You cannot make that shit up.

And, finally, I came out as an atheist to my mother.  Kinda.  Here’s how it went down.  My mother made some comment about how if she ever goes totally senile, she gives us permission to dump her in a nursing home.  Cheerful!  That led to a long conversation about assisted suicide.  I’m a strong supporter and my mother, big fucking duh, is strongly opposed to it.

I told her that if someday I have a horrible fatal disease and I’m suffering, I’d rather just put myself down.  And she went on this huge thing about how it’s against Islam and I’d go to hell if I did such a thing.  And then it slipped out:  “Ohhhh whatever, I don’t believe in any of that.  And if you don’t stop talking about hell, seriously, I’ll fly out to Switzerland right now and sign myself up.”

Guess what?  She stopped talking about it.  Booya!  Life is good.  Even when I don’t have much of it outside of work.  And with that, I’m off to bed.  I’m packing my Quran and a pen in my purse for tomorrow’s commute.  See resolution #3.  I’m sticking to it!


Written by kafirgirl

January 5, 2009 at 1:07 am

Posted in Quran

Tagged with , ,

25 Responses

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  1. Tell your cousin that your love for atheism also came from the heart. That’ll learn her.


    January 5, 2009 at 1:27 am

  2. Nice storys. Im new here,
    and just want to say that i love your blog. I live in Bosnia and my family is muslim(moar like the feelgood-muslims). Everytime I say something about the non-plausability of Gods existance, my sister will say:” Oh, why do you hate religion and why are you so disrespectful?”
    And so on…
    Please dont stop blogging, we want MOAR!


    January 5, 2009 at 7:07 am

  3. I just discovered your site via the Apostate and have spent the last hour cracking up over your posts instead of working on my very overdue essay. The one about Muhammad’s wives in particular was hilarious (and informative – they didn’t teach us that shit in school!), and I’m sure I’m going to be exhaustively reading your archives over the next few days. I just wanted to say how much I’m enjoying your work, how fucking awesome it is to find someone who thinks the same way.

    –Another ex-Muslim Pakistani woman


    January 5, 2009 at 9:04 am

  4. Wow, coming out as an atheist was easier than I expected to hear from you! I haven’t come out to my family yet, but if it’s going to be that straightforward, sign me up! Anyway, here’s hoping this new year will be a little better than your Thanksgiving.


    January 5, 2009 at 10:43 am

  5. Yay! Glad you’re back KF.

    I think I don’t speak only for myself when I say that what people miss is your writing and humor, rather than the Quran analysis itself. So if you want to slow down on the boring book and write about other stuff, go ahead (it’s not like you need my permission or anyone else’s anyway). Your blog should not be a job, but if people start demanding that you write or if you feel like you should, it becomes one. And that’s bad.

    Anyway. All my family knows I want to be put down if something bad happens and I can’t do it myself. I don’t know if they’re going to do it, though, which scares me a little. Our closer relatives here are my wife’s family, and I’m not sure they’d do it if my wife is also incapacitaded.

    My wife and I also filled out those Advance Directives forms you file at the hospital to instruct them on how to treat you if you can’t make the decisions yourself, and we marked all the “pull the plug” boxes they had in there, but who knows. But that might be something you want to look into, if you haven’t already.


    January 5, 2009 at 12:28 pm

  6. Boyohboy!!! Holiday fun! Your family sounds as much fun as my mom’s family, who consisted of florists and talked about who all DIED all the time! :)

    The Perky Skeptic

    January 5, 2009 at 1:59 pm

  7. The tattoo thing comes one of those verses about changing what the big sky man has already made, as well as hadiths about tattooing being something Big Al will curse you to hell for. But the way your grandma responded to the challenge shows how so many people just parrot what they’re told and don’t really know what Islam teaches. This probably goes for other religions too.

    Anyway, other than my insatiable demand for LOLMuslims I’m with others here – blog what you like when you like. Although the way you take apart the Quran is wonderful.

    Happy To Be Gone

    January 5, 2009 at 2:24 pm

  8. If love comes from the heart then hate must come from the asshole. And since the Koran is chock-full of hate……

    Oh well…..this is when the devout will tell me “GO TO HELL! GO DIRECTLY TO HELL! DO NOT PASS GO! DO NOT COLLECT 72 Virgnis!”


    January 5, 2009 at 2:25 pm

  9. If the Koran is so big on retaining everything that the SkyFairy madeth, then what about (male) circumscision or FGM?


    January 5, 2009 at 2:29 pm

  10. Hey Happy,

    But the way your grandma responded to the challenge shows how so many people just parrot what they’re told and don’t really know what Islam teaches. This probably goes for other religions too.

    That is absolutely true. I’ve mentioned passages from the Bible to Christians (like having to give all your stuff to the poor, for example) and they would vehemently deny that anything like that was written anywhere on the Bible. Note that I did that minutes after I had read them myself, so I was 100% sure of what I was talking about.

    So… they also don’t know what they’re talking about or what they believe in, even though their book is written in a language they can actually read and understand, they don’t even have KG’s grandma’s excuse.


    January 5, 2009 at 3:58 pm

  11. Glad you are back….
    Last Friday, I went to the Pakistani consulate in NYC to have my passport renewed( i have not gone back to Pak in 10 years and passport has been expired since 2002!!) Anyway, for the last 4 year I have been an atheist though I have not told my family about this… Just don’t have the balls to do that. My husband, a very liberal Muslim, has accepted my beliefs. So at the consulate, they asked me sign a documents saying that I am a Muslim and I believe in all the Bullshit that comes with it, plus Ahmadiyya are bad people( I paraphrased, but this was the gist of it). I didn’t want to sign it but I did …I was too chicken shit to tell the consulate guy(who had a Taliban beard by the way), that I have deconverted….Plus this would prolong my passport renewal and I need to visit Pak ASAP… Whatever the reason, I know I lied to myself just to keep it easy… but I feel to ashamed of myself instead.
    Just wanted to share with you guys…


    January 5, 2009 at 6:01 pm

  12. Take it easy Ayesha. You did not lie to yourself. You just lied to the beardo prick. You just threw meat in the other direction so that the rabid dog did not have you for lunch.


    January 5, 2009 at 6:56 pm

  13. Yeah, Ayesha, I wouldn’t feel too guilty about that. As HolyDude said, you didn’t lie to yourself, you lied to the beardo prick who would withhold your passport if you didn’t sign the stupid paper.

    I understand how you feel because when I got my American citizenship I had to sign all these papers with “so help me god” or things like that on them. What could I do? It was either sign it or not get my citizenship, so I didn’t have much of a choice.

    We also had to say the Oath and Pledge of Allegiance, both of which have “god” in them… I didn’t say the “god” part on either one, though, but I was in the middle of a bunch of people, so it was easy, but made me feel a little better. :-)


    January 5, 2009 at 7:39 pm

  14. Ahmadis are bad people?
    The Pakistani constitution might imply as much, but the only Ahmadi who was open about being one was Jasmine I believe.
    Incidentally, I am trying to get in touch with Jasmine for personal reasons, though she is not replying to my e.mails and her cell number is dead.
    Does anyone here maintain any kind of contact with her? If so, pass on the message to her that I am not concerned in the slightest about the money I lent her, but I am extremely worried about her own well being.
    Jasmine, direct to you, if you are in Pakistan and you read this, please call me sap or try to get word out by any means.


    January 6, 2009 at 8:40 am

  15. I’ve been reading your posts about the Quran since the first one.

    The last one I read was The Wall Between Heaven and Hell, part 1. I have the 2nd part as a bookmark and I’ll read it once I have time.

    Please, don’t quit on the Quran!! I enjoy it so much… besides, it’s the only religious text that I’m kind of learning, since I never read the bible (too boring). And I’m a catholic that took communion and all! (well, an atheist raised catholic)

    Julian Rodriguez

    January 6, 2009 at 2:26 pm

  16. Hi KG, Welcome back. I have long been a reader of your blog and in fact your blog was one of the first blogs I linked to when I started my blog recently. I like reading your posts and missed it when you were on your “sabbatical” from the blogosphere ;-). Btw, I had a similar incident with my family members recently where my Dad thought I was converting to Islam or Christianity (LOL!!) when I tried telling them about my agnosticism and I can very much relate to your incident. Well, now that you are back, we hope to have many more posts from you.

    Btw, I recently posted a rebuttal to Dr. Zakir Naik’s article supporting polygamy(http://nitwitnastik.wordpress.com/2008/12/25/logical-reasons-for-polygamy-in-islam-by-dr-zakir-naik-polygyny/) and would like to know your thoughts on it.

    Thanks and Cheers

    nitwit nastik

    January 6, 2009 at 2:30 pm

  17. Rahul, don’t go looking for Islam to make sense! Besides, circumcision for males is directly commanded, by the hadith. For girls, not so much, but I’m sure you know that.

    Happy To Be Gone

    January 6, 2009 at 7:29 pm

  18. Ahmadis are bad people?

    I think blanket generalizations of people get in the way of seeing individual people. I knew an Ahmadi gal (from Pakistan) who was nice and peaceful and wouldn’t intentionally harm anyone, but she couldn’t help lying about Islam to me. (You know, “Islam ended slavery” or “Muhammad never attacked anyone” or “Islam honors women” type stuff.) I’m guessing she just didn’t know the facts of the religion or just couldn’t accept the truth that contradicted what she had believed in for her entire life. I suppose it could be something else, but it seems like a solid guess. And yes, I know the Ahmadis are persecuted in Pakistan — they are considered apostates.

    Happy To Be Gone: Rahul is being sarcastic.

    Also, I believe in the Hadith Muhammad says it is obligatory for males to be circumcised, but an honor for women to be.


    January 6, 2009 at 10:13 pm

  19. First-time reader. Judging from the comments, I’m going to enjoy browsing your archives. I’ve taken a few swipes at my tribe’s story book of choice (the bible) and tried to read the Quran a few times without much success. I’m looking forward to your interpretation. Thanks for the new bookmark.


    January 6, 2009 at 10:19 pm

  20. Hi all,

    I have been a fan of KG for a long time but refrained from posting anything until a few days ago. I reckon I just do not have the sharp-wit that most folks possess in this neighborhood. But here is something that I’d like to share:

    KG’s BLOG has been tremendously illuminating (albeit in an irreverent way). The comments/responses from you folks have helped even further. Speaking for myself, I have learned how people can actually believe in Hell-fire with self-replenishing skin. Or, in Jinns. Or in the inferiority of women. Or in the commandment to stone a fornicator or adulterer. These are NOT crazy people. They are ‘rational’ once the Koran becomes the framework for thought. For instance, it is only rational that KG’s grandma would conclude that tattoos are forbidden and need to be erased even if it is by burning skin, because her thinking is framed by the Koran. It does not matter that the Koran is silent about tattoos – grandma is convinced it says so and that conviction forms the framework of her thought. Similarly Jinns, self-replenishing skins in Hell-fire, stoning of fornicators, Killing of Kafirs, contempt for Jews….. are “sensible” once you accept the Koran’s framework of thought.

    Given that a sizable portion of a billion plus Muslims uses the Koran as a moral and ethical guide, we should not be surprised by ‘Islamic Excesses’. The question that remains is how should we respond to those excesses. For instance, do we equate honor-killing with the death of a family-member caused by drunken driving? Or do we reserve special disdain and contempt for it? How should we respond to people who claim ‘religious protections’ for crimes like wife-beating?

    At a political level, should we take the easy route and view the Palestinian issue as just a territorial dispute? Or should we understand that it is actually a commandment from Allah to exterminate Jews (unless they submit to Dhimmi-hood)? Given that Islam is what it is, is it surprising that Hamas rejects the idea of violence against Israel even if land-concessions were made?

    To me, it seems honest to ALWAYS EXPOSE religious motivations in seemingly non-religious events. In my blog (URL is later in this post) I have tried to put Islamic Motivation front-and-center while talking about various events whether it was the Mumbai massacre in Nov-08 or the stoning of a 13 yr old girl in Somalia or the current Palestinian conflict.

    No disrespect to KG or anyone else here, but we could choose to just expose the Koran and gain a chuckle or two at its expense. But for an ‘informed citizenry’ the bar should be higher. We need to bring our intellectual faculty to bear while evaluating situations that play out around us. We may not always agree about what course of action to take – but at least we need to unmask the religious wolf operating within sheep of multi-cultutralist commentary. And we need to deride that wolf in our midst rather than restricting ourselves to an stone-age doctrine.

    This comment is turning out to be almost as long as a post by itself. I thank you for your time and indulgence. I will conclude simply with the URL to my blog called MyMindDroppings at http://myminddroppings.wordpress.com as promised earlier. (I hope KG does not object to a shameless plug).


    January 7, 2009 at 2:37 am

  21. Nice to see you back and posting. Yeah I don’t bother with the whole near years resolution thing. And the tattoo thing yeah I’ve heard of that many times too, I have two tattoos, when my wife first saw them she was like: “Your janaaza will not happen if you have these tattoos on.” I told her: “Well when I die just cut them out…”

    Here is an interesting topic on Islamic tattoos and why its considered un-Islamic:

    Stat Quo

    January 7, 2009 at 6:07 am

  22. For some reason Pakistan/Islam thinks that Ahmadiyyas(Ahmadis) are non Muslim…
    In fact, the one and only Pakistani Nobel Award winner(for Physics), Dr. Abdus Salam was Ahmadi. And because of that detail, he was boycotted…..


    January 7, 2009 at 10:31 am

  23. Ayesha, Mauro, same boat. I took my oath to become a U.S. citizen in my early 20s and mouthed my way through the God bits. And I have dual citizenship, so my Pakistani passport from a decade ago actually says “Muslim” under religion. I had no choice with that one — my parents were in charge of me till I turned 18 and they filled out the paperwork. Blah. I’ll let that one expire and never renew it, so I can at least leave that crap in the past.


    January 7, 2009 at 10:56 am

  24. I am an Orthodox Christian, but my friend Jas was an Ahmedi apostate turned Communist. Whatever Ahmedis do or don’t believe i am in no position to pass judgement but as i understand it they are a persecuted minority in Pakistan and have adopted radical politics as a result just like Jews in Tsarist Russia turned to Bolshevism.
    Ayesha, Jas, on behalf of all Ahmadis, would, i presume, say that Ahmedis are actually Muslims- even while renouncing Islam on a personal level.


    January 7, 2009 at 2:46 pm

  25. you have an aunt who sticks up for you? Awesome.

    I think coming out as an atheist is better sometimes with baby steps. For their sake. You have to do some pretty heavy foreshadowing, like in a bad movie, so no one goes into shock.


    January 9, 2009 at 11:31 am

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