A real update. With family fun!
Hey check it out. It’s a real update! It’s late and I should be asleep, but my schedule’s been pretty out-of-whack since New Years’ Eve. I actually went out for a change, and I went a little overboard with the drinking. OK fine. I went WAY overboard with the drinking. KafirBoy and I have a shared BFF who was visiting from Minnesota and he knows how to bring out that wild side that goes dormant when you’ve been in a long-term relationship for a while. You know what I’m talking about? That side of you that want so chug rum till you black out? I did not have a pretty January 1st. I’m pretty sure a part of my liver died.
I don’t usually do the whole new years’ resolution thing, but it seemed like a good idea this time around. I’ve got three:
1. Join the gym so I don’t feel like a total lump from sitting in front of the computer at work 12 hours a day.
2. Stop being a shoe-aholic. Seriously. It’s a problem. I don’t want to be the cutest girl in the poor house.
3. Blog. More frequently. And, you know, try not to vanish for a month and a half without warning. I still feel bad about it, ya’ll. I’ll try to make time and be more regular with the writing. It may not all be about the Quran, because that book is fucking depressing and boring.
I was planning on blogging over Thanksgiving, but I didn’t really get a chance. The part I failed to mention was that my sister got married that week, too. I ended up being her servant and running errands the whole time.
To top things off, my grandmother noticed my tattoos for the first time. You remember my grandmother? The one who thinks the devil owns your left hand? Yup, that one. She made a big fuss about the whole thing because — get this — God will no longer listen to my prayers.
Crazy Grandma went into some story about how one of her housekeepers back in Pakistan had a tattoo. She asked the guy how he could do such a thing to himself because it meant God would no longer listen to his prayers. The guy felt so ashamed that he went and removed his tattoo. By himself. Using a knife he held over the kitchen stove till it got red hot.
The guy felt so guilty about being a “bad Muslim” that he burned off his own skin. Ouch, dude. And Crazy Grandma said this like he was some noble person. Like she actually condoned that kind of thing. Luckily for me, an aunt stepped in and fought for my honor. “Where exactly in the Quran does it say that about tattoos?” And Crazy Grandma was left bumbling around because, seriously, I don’t think she’s actually read the thing in a language other than Arabic. Good times with the fam.
In a separate incident, I came out of the atheist closet to a couple of cousins who just didn’t get it. They got kind of angry and defensive and demanded to know how I couldn’t believe in God. “No evidence.” One of them replied back, “Oh, so you need evidence for everything, huh?” All sneery and sarcastic like. This, by the way, is the same cousin who believes love comes from the heart. Not the poetic heart, but the actual heart. The muscle. You cannot make that shit up.
And, finally, I came out as an atheist to my mother. Kinda. Here’s how it went down. My mother made some comment about how if she ever goes totally senile, she gives us permission to dump her in a nursing home. Cheerful! That led to a long conversation about assisted suicide. I’m a strong supporter and my mother, big fucking duh, is strongly opposed to it.
I told her that if someday I have a horrible fatal disease and I’m suffering, I’d rather just put myself down. And she went on this huge thing about how it’s against Islam and I’d go to hell if I did such a thing. And then it slipped out: “Ohhhh whatever, I don’t believe in any of that. And if you don’t stop talking about hell, seriously, I’ll fly out to Switzerland right now and sign myself up.”
Guess what? She stopped talking about it. Booya! Life is good. Even when I don’t have much of it outside of work. And with that, I’m off to bed. I’m packing my Quran and a pen in my purse for tomorrow’s commute. See resolution #3. I’m sticking to it!