We read the Quran so you don’t have to.

14: Abraham (Satan speaketh!)

with 34 comments

I patted my husband on the butt and sent him out so I could have the house all to myself.  Oh, alone time.  What would I do without you?  Probably go door to door, punching people on the noses for being dumbasses.  Tonight, it’s just me, my ice-cold bottle of beer and my Quran.  And my laptop.  And also my Moleskine book that I take notes in.  …technicalities.

Speaking of which, it’s been a while since I’ve updated you on my status with the book.  As of today, I’ve officially read 40% of the Quran!  Looking ahead, the chapters are a lot shorter, and will probably only require a post or two each.  Whoo!  Slowly but surely, we’re finally getting somewhere.  And, on that positive note, lets jump right in and ruin everything with the Quran’s hellspeak!

Chapter 14 is titled Abraham, but old Abe doesn’t make much of an appearance in it.  I want to meet the person who titled the chapters in the Quran.  See above about punching people on the noses.

The first two verses of the chapter have some pretty awful sentence structure.

A Book We have sent down to you that you may lead men out of darkness into light, by their Lord’s command, to the path of the mighty, the worthy of praise.
(2) God, to whom belongs all there is in the heavens and the earth. Woe to the unbelievers for the terrible punishment (that awaits).

See what I mean?  It looks like Ahmed Ali was getting as weary as I am about reading the Quran.  When it all sounds the same, I guess you have to be creative where you can.

Anyway, the basic gist of those verses is that the Quran was sent down to guide men into the light.  But not women, because, you know — 1/2 a man and all.  Verse 1 refers to the Quran as a book, which is stupid since the verses weren’t put into book form until after Mo’s death.

And verse 2 hints at the terrible punishment that awaits those who doesn’t believe in the book (that wasn’t a book quite yet).  Lets fast forward to those verses, shall we?  There are actually some new details in chapter 14 about the doom and gloom you, as a kafir, can expect after death.  Check it out:

(16) Before him is Hell, and he will get putrid liquid to drink.
(17) He will sip it, yet will not be able to gulp it down. Death will crowd in upon him from every side, but die he will not. A terrible torment trails him.

Mmmmkay.  So in hell, you’ll get a smelly drink that you’ll have to sip instead of gulp.  And death will be all around you, only you won’t die.  You’ll just sit there, sipping your smelly drink.  It won’t be nice.  The only thing is, I’ve experienced the whole putrid liquid thing before.  I had access to nothing but instant coffee for an entire week, remember?  It doesn’t even smell like real coffee.  And you have to take little sips of it to keep from gagging on the shame of drinking instant.  *Le sigh*  I’m still a little bitter, I guess.

(49) You will see the wicked on that day bound together in chains.
(50) Of molten pitch shall be their garments, their faces covered with flames,
(51) That God may reward each soul for its deeds. Indeed God is swift at reckoning!

In hell, you’ll be chained together with other wicked people, and your clothes will be made out of molten pitch.  Google tells me that pitch means a hot, sticky substance like sap or tar.  Or honey.  So let me get this straight:  you’ll be handcuffed to a bunch of people and covered in hot, sticky honey.  Holy shit.  That is so kinky.  Hell is an orgy!

One itty bitty little setback thought.  Your face will be on fire. Don’t worry, though — only your face will be on fire.  The Quran doesn’t say anything about the rest of you.  Since technically your sexy bits aren’t on fire, I’m sticking to my guns on this one.  Hell is an orgy, ya’ll!!

Just for shits and giggles, lets compare chapter 14’s description of hell with its description of heaven:

(23) Those who believed and did the right, will be admitted to gardens with rivers flowing by, where they will abide by the leave of their Lord, with ‘Peace’ as their salutation.

Yes, yes, gardens with rivers, ho hum…ooh look!  A new detail!  People will say “peace” in heaven!  Hmm.  I’ll take hell, thanks!  Moving right along.

Remember that whole abrogation thing?  How God can just cancel out his old commands with new & improved ones?  Even though he’s all-knowing and should probably just released the best ones right away?  Well, that works on people too:

(19) Do you not see that God has created the heavens and the earth with ultimate reason? If He so wills He could take you away from the earth and raise a new creation (in your place).

In other words, STFU or God will replace you with a newer, better you.  And when that newer, better you fucks up, God will replace her with a newer, better her.  And on and on for all eternity since God is a stubborn jackass who never learns from his mistakes.

And finally — I saved the best for last — Satan speaks up:

(22) When the reckoning is over Satan will say: “The promise that was made to you by God was indeed a true promise; but I went back on the promise I had made, for I had no power over you except to call you; and you responded to my call. So blame me not, but blame yourselves. Neither can I help you nor can you give me help. I disavow your having associated me earlier (with God). The punishment for those who are wicked is painful indeed.”

OK, lemme break it down:

  1. After the day of judgment is over and done with, Satan will get on stage and speak.  And God won’t zap him into oblivion.  He’ll just let his nemesis talk away.  Weird right?
  2. Satan says, “God made a bunch of promises, and he kept them.  I made promises and did not keep them.”  The fuck?  This doesn’t sound like the debbil I know!
  3. Satan admits he has no power to do anything except call out for people.
  4. So it’s not his fault if you go astray.  It’s your own fault.  Even though, technically, it’s God’s fault that you go astray.  He admits repeatedly in the Quran that he makes people go astray.  The debbil doesn’t say anything about that, probably because he’s trying to get on the big guy’s good side.
  5. So who gets fucked by it all in the end?  That right.  You and me.  All of us.  God sets up a lose-lose system and screws us all.  If that’s not kind and merciful and benevolent, I dunno what is!

Here’s some other interesting stuff from Chapter 14:

Verses 5 – 12 are all about Moses.  They start out with “Remember when…” and it’s the same story we’ve heard over and over again about how Moses’ people sucked.  My favorite part was when God says this:

(7) Remember, your Lord proclaimed: “I shall give you more if you are grateful; but if you are thankless then surely My punishment is very great.”

OK, so if you kiss God’s ass, he’ll give you stuff.  If you don’t kiss his ass though, he won’t just refrain from giving you stuff.  He’ll actually punish you.  Not surprising at all, but it does show you how petty the old guy is.

Verses 35 – 41 are all about Abraham.This time it’s mostly just Abe praying to save his own ass, his parents’ asses, his kids’ asses, his kids’ kids’ asses, his kids’ kids’ kids’ asses, and then just for good measure, his own ass again.  Not really sure what that point of all of this is, but there ya go.

Wanna see God open up his mouth and stick his dick in it?  Read on:

(34) He gave you whatsoever you asked. If you try to count the favours of God you will not be able to calculate. Man is most unjust indeed, full of ingratitude.

And finally there’s this verse:

(18) Like ashes are the deeds of those who deny their Lord, which the wind blows away on a windy day.

Dude.  That is sooooo deeeeeeep.


Written by kafirgirl

November 10, 2008 at 9:19 pm

Posted in Quran

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34 Responses

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  1. “Like sands through the hourglass, so are the days of our lives.”

    Heehee. Keep it up, kafirgirl. I am thoroughly enjoying your work!


    Bing McGhandi

    November 10, 2008 at 11:22 pm

  2. (49) You will see the wicked on that day bound together in chains.
    (50) Of molten pitch shall be their garments, their faces covered with flames,

    Wouldn’t the molten pitch melt the chains?


    November 11, 2008 at 1:01 am

  3. Well I never, hell is all about heat and thirst and heaven is all about shade and refreshment. How amazing that these metaphysical realms coincide almost exactly with the environmental preoccupations of Mo and his desert-blown audience.


    November 11, 2008 at 2:11 am

  4. Arberry’s translation of v16 calls it “oozing pus”. A lot of the translations mention that. Yuk.


    November 11, 2008 at 2:38 am

  5. 2) God, to whom belongs all there is in the heavens and the earth. Woe to the unbelievers for the terrible punishment (that awaits).

    Notice (after god owns us) how it’s “unbelievers” not good or bad, just unbelievers.

    (18) Like ashes are the deeds of those who deny their Lord, which the wind blows away on a windy day.

    I was thinking;

    dust in the wind
    all we are is dust in the wind



    November 11, 2008 at 3:44 am

  6. crystal

    November 11, 2008 at 4:13 am

  7. Even Apple updates its softwares and ‘abrogates’ earlier version.

    So, I would prefer Steve Jobs as God.

    PS: At least he is intelligent.


    November 11, 2008 at 8:33 am

  8. Husain.. Steve Jobs IS God.


    November 11, 2008 at 10:56 am

  9. Michael

    November 11, 2008 at 1:17 pm

  10. Satan is like every bad guy in slasher films. He can only get you if you pick up the phone. If you just let it go to voicemail he has to move on to the next house.

    Seriously, since Satan doesn’t have to keep his promises and since he is God’s foe, then why doesn’t he just redo hell so that is has even more streams and gardens and fruit than heaven. That would be the ultimate flip off.


    November 11, 2008 at 3:14 pm

  11. Apparently there is an “ONLINE GOD POLL”.
    Does God Exists?
    Do human’s have a soul?
    Life after Death ?…


    The site says the poll is down due to high-traffic. But there is a screen-grab that has interesting results. Just click on the screen-shot.


    November 11, 2008 at 4:58 pm

  12. Well, based on the answers in the poll I would say it has a very heavy atheist bias. So the only thing really interesting is the high “yes” vote on the “do humans have souls” questions. It annoys me to no end how many atheists believe we have souls…. They might as well just be theists…….


    November 11, 2008 at 6:20 pm

  13. Pharyngula linked to the godpoll and they crashed it. The godpollists were screwing with the results, resetting the numbers back to zero.

    Related– As a replacement for the koran, Calvin & Hobbes is kicking ass on all the other candidates. (sorry, gad)


    November 11, 2008 at 7:35 pm

  14. So let me get this straight: you’ll be handcuffed to a bunch of people and covered in hot, sticky honey.

    “Why am I all sticky and naked? Did I miss something fun?”

    After the day of judgment is over and done with, Satan will get on stage and speak. And God won’t zap him into oblivion. He’ll just let his nemesis talk away.

    I guess it’s Satan’s concession speech.


    November 11, 2008 at 9:09 pm

  15. As a replacement for the koran, Calvin & Hobbes is kicking ass on all the other candidates. (sorry, gad)

    My god, why has thou forsaken me.


    November 11, 2008 at 9:14 pm

  16. Why? because the Lord does whatsoever He wills. Haven’t you been paying attention? LOL.


    November 11, 2008 at 10:46 pm

  17. you know how christians / muslims like to say, “you shouldn’t take the words literally, it’s a metaphor!!!” when it comes to violent or extreme lines in their holy book?

    maybe the part where they’re faces are covered in flames actually means all the heat, steam and passion from the orgy is evident on their faces.


    November 12, 2008 at 12:45 am

  18. If Mo had invented Monopoly, then there would only be 2 places:
    1. Park Place (replete with flowing streams…)
    2. GO TO HELL (Do not pass GO, Do not collect $200)

    Chance cards would only be:
    1. Bend over and skip 2 places.
    2. Go to HELL (Do not pass GO, Do not collect $200)

    All the while, you are simply throwing dice around. And God is raising the fotunes of those that he pleases and leads others astray (Go to HELL! Do not pass GO……).


    November 12, 2008 at 1:59 pm

  19. “..the favours of God you will not be able to calculate.” Yeah, right!
    Sometime around the 3rd and the 5th centuries (c.e.), south Asian mathematicians & astronomers used decimal system of numeration (which has now become global). The Mayans and the south Asians thought of zero, approximately 2 thousand years ago. (Or did the Mayans think of it before then?).
    I think it’s only fair to remind the Arabs how they learnt to calculate.
    I’d say that the Arabs and those they converted are full of ingratitude. :-)


    November 12, 2008 at 3:33 pm

  20. @Rahul:

    I posted this on the links page, but you (and others) may have missed it. It is a board game inspired by Sharia Law and Monopoly.



    November 12, 2008 at 7:56 pm

  21. “Father, why hast thou forsaken me?”

    Never mind Jeebus, I’ve discovered a better god for you.

    Hold your breath, he is none other than………………..”BARACK OBAMA”!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Did you know?

    – The SARS virus was wiped out in 2003 by Barack Obama’s antibodies.

    – A tsunami is what happens when Barack Obama dives off a boat.

    – Barack Obama can tie his shoes with his feet.

    – If the US National Grid is having trouble generating enough electricity to light the country, Barack Obama just sticks his finger into a socket.

    – Every night, Superman goes to sleep in a pair of Barack Obama pajamas.

    – The population of China voted for Barack Obama and they don’t even have elections.

    – Barack Obama has only ever been wrong once, and that was when he thought he had made a mistake.

    – The US Treasury decided on a US$700 billion rescue fund because that’s how much Barack Obama said he could raise for them in a week.

    – Giraffes were created when Barack Obama accidentally upper-cutted a horse.

    – If you spell Barack Obama wrong on a Google search it doesn’t say: ‘Did you mean Barack Obama?’ It says: ‘May He live forever. Amen.’

    – The real reason for global warming: Barack Obama accidentally set his home sauna to 10,000 degrees.

    – Oil collapsed after it realized it had less energy than Barack Obama.

    – To commiserate with Sarah Palin after the election, Barack Obama moved Russia so that she could see it out of her bedroom window.

    – In the fall of 2008, the world’s stock markets saw everyone bowing and decided to follow suit.

    – In 2005, Barack Obama installed his air-conditioners back to front, causing Hurricane Katrina.

    – China and India sent rockets into space using Barack Obama’s old slingshot.

    – Bill Gates stepped down from his job at Microsoft to take responsibility after Barack Obama’s computer crashed.

    – The Large Hadron Collider underground in Geneva is actually Barack’s personal cocktail shaker.

    – When the boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Barack Obama.

    – Barack Obama can configure anything to run Windows Vista, including his kids’ Etch-a-Sketch.

    – Barack Obama has promised to blow in a northerly direction for five minutes every morning so that the ice cap refreezes.

    – Death once had a near-Barack experience.

    Here endeth the sermon. Amen.

    Now, everyone say 100 times “HAIL OBAMA”



    November 13, 2008 at 12:35 am

  22. @ Michael:
    Thanks for the link. How dare they represent Islamic values in picture-form!! Where’s my fatwa pen?


    November 13, 2008 at 1:27 am

  23. Well, Rahul, “a picture of a boy and girl sitting shyly next to each other on a bench with pink love hearts hovering over them” obviously represents kafir values, not Islamic values. Islamic values would be no love.

    You can put your fatwa pen back in the holster.


    November 13, 2008 at 9:47 am

  24. OK Fatwa-pen back in holster.
    Now where’s my Jihad sword??

    Speaking of Jihad, I came across this Infidel Section of prophet-muhammad.biz.


    Got a Chuckle out of it.



    November 13, 2008 at 2:01 pm

  25. OK Dudes: Check out this article & Pic.

    Why Believe in God?



    November 13, 2008 at 7:01 pm

  26. Mai flavorite blog evar!!1!!1!!!1!@2!2


    November 14, 2008 at 5:32 pm

  27. Rahul:

    They picked up the idea for that bus from across the pond: http://www.atheistcampaign.org/

    This seems to be becoming a fashionable thing to do.


    November 16, 2008 at 4:27 am

  28. Finally, I’m caught up again here! Great writing, as usual! I found it quite interesting that Satan has almost the same type of phrasing God has. Either they went to the same school together as kids, or…


    November 17, 2008 at 8:40 pm

  29. liquidthinker said, “I found it quite interesting that Satan has almost the same type of phrasing God has. Either they went to the same school together as kids, or…”

    If you carry that just a bit further, you’ll understand why Muslims reacted so harshly to The Satanic Verses. Muhammad never received revelations directly from Allah, but only through an angel, and apparently Muhammad couldn’t tell the difference between Gabriel and Satan. Which, of course, begs the question: Exactly how much of the Quran was revealed to Muhammad by Satan?

    Assuming you believe in Satan, of course. (And Muslims do.)


    November 18, 2008 at 7:59 pm

  30. watercat

    November 20, 2008 at 1:56 pm

  31. Keep it up, kafirgirl. I am thoroughly enjoying your work!you should write a book you are a champ!
    George P

    George P

    December 6, 2008 at 7:10 am

  32. “50) Of molten pitch shall be their garments, their faces covered with flames.”

    That sounds like the horrid feeling of trying to take of a cold, sweating shirt after exercise. Blech.

    Vegan Atheist

    December 7, 2008 at 9:15 pm

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