12: Joseph (Part V — This really happened. Promise!)
Here’s part 2, also written on a plane on my way to Karachi. Good times.
Still on the plane. Long ass flight. Getting massively annoyed with people. And not just the babies this time (although, wouldn’t you know it, they’re still going). No, even the adults are starting to wear me thin at this point.
I’m sitting next to a woman who alternates between reading her Quran — out loud, in a whisper — and crying while a Bollywood ripoff of Amelie. No joke. She’s got her elbows all over the damn place. And when she wants to get up to go to the bathroom, she doesn’t say “excuse me” or something. She just stares at me until I get up. It’s going to be a long 823940832043 hours.
This is the last of chapter 12. I promise. I know I delved into it a lot more than some other chapters, but cut me some slack. Do you remember how horrendous 10 and 11 were? Do you?? I don’t either. I can barely remember what I had for lunch yesterday let alone something I wrote weeks ago. I’m a sad, sad lady. On with the show:
(94) The caravan departed (from Egypt) and Jacob said (at home): “Say not that I am in my dotage, but I get the smell of Joseph.”
Joseph’s shirt, which is on a caravan leaving Egypt, smells so strong that Jacob can smell it all the way back at his house. Now I know some blind people have a heightened sense of smell, but damn, dude. That’s a bit excessive. Also, Joseph smells the same as he did when he was 6 or 12 or however the hell old he was when he got tossed down that well. I find that hard to believe.
(95) They said: “By God, you are still persisting in your old delusion.”
That’s what I’m saying. After that, Joseph’s caravan appeared and the old guy got to say one last “I told you so.”
(96) Then, as the harbinger of happy news arrived and put the garment over his face his eyesight was restored. He said: “Did I not tell you? I know from God what you do not know.”
After that, the half-brothers repented and begged for Jacob to pray for them. Which is kind of bullshit if you ask me, because they should be praying for themselves. Personal responsibility and all.
Anyway, Joseph invites his whole family to come hang out in Egypt with him. And suddenly it seems like he’s a lot more important than he was a few verses ago, because he now has a throne!
(99) When they went back to Joseph he gave his father and mother a place of honour, and said: “Enter Egypt in peace by the will of God.”
(100) He seated his parents by his side on the throne; and they fell down before him in homage. “O my father,” said Joseph, “this is the meaning of my earlier dream. My Lord has made it come true. He was gracious in getting me out of the prison, and bringing you out of the desert to me after the discord created by Satan between me and my brothers, for my Lord is gracious to whomsoever He please. He is indeed all-knowing and all-wise.
Oh, so that’s what the dream was all about. Sun, moon and planets. I get it. And to think, they could have avoided that whole prison / rape thing if God had just *poofed* everyone into the subservient roles he really wanted them to be in.
One last thought — Joseph’s brothers are literally on the ground, paying homage to him. I’m picturing this as on their knees with their foreheads and hands to the ground. Sort of like how Muslims pray. That’s sort of fucked up considering the only person you’re supposed to do that to is God. Pretty sure this is against God’s own rules, but hey, he makes this shit up as he goes along.
The rest of the chapter is pretty ho-hum stuff. Mostly just God greasing up his own dick. To the point that I wonder how that thing hasn’t fallen off yet. Or, at the very least, it must be kind of sore.
The money verse is the one that ends the chapter. I had to choke back the laughter:
(111) Verily in their accounts is a lesson for men of wisdom. This is not a fictitious tale, but a verification of earlier Books, and a clear exposition of everything, and a guidance and grace for those who believe.
This isn’t fiction. Really, it’s not. It happened. Believe me! Believe me, damnit!
That’s it for chapter 12. Coming up next, chapter 13. Whoo! Blogathon! I haven’t been this excited since Crying Lady went to the bathroom and gave my elbows a 5 minute break!