KafirGirl

We read the Quran so you don’t have to.

12: Joseph (Part V — This really happened. Promise!)

with 9 comments

Here’s part 2, also written on a plane on my way to Karachi.  Good times.

Still on the plane.  Long ass flight.  Getting massively annoyed with people.  And not just the babies this time (although, wouldn’t you know it, they’re still going).  No, even the adults are starting to wear me thin at this point.

I’m sitting next to a woman who alternates between reading her Quran — out loud, in a whisper — and crying while a Bollywood ripoff of Amelie.  No joke.  She’s got her elbows all over the damn place.  And when she wants to get up to go to the bathroom, she doesn’t say “excuse me” or something.  She just stares at me until I get up.  It’s going to be a long 823940832043 hours.

This is the last of chapter 12.  I promise.  I know I delved into it a lot more than some other chapters, but cut me some slack.  Do you remember how horrendous 10 and 11 were?  Do you??  I don’t either.  I can barely remember what I had for lunch yesterday let alone something I wrote weeks ago.  I’m a sad, sad lady.  On with the show:

(94) The caravan departed (from Egypt) and Jacob said (at home): “Say not that I am in my dotage, but I get the smell of Joseph.”

Joseph’s shirt, which is on a caravan leaving Egypt, smells so strong that Jacob can smell it all the way back at his house.  Now I know some blind people have a heightened sense of smell, but damn, dude.  That’s a bit excessive.  Also, Joseph smells the same as he did when he was 6 or 12 or however the hell old he was when he got tossed down that well.  I find that hard to believe.

(95) They said: “By God, you are still persisting in your old delusion.”

That’s what I’m saying.  After that, Joseph’s caravan appeared and the old guy got to say one last “I told you so.”

(96) Then, as the harbinger of happy news arrived and put the garment over his face his eyesight was restored. He said: “Did I not tell you? I know from God what you do not know.”

After that, the half-brothers repented and begged for Jacob to pray for them.  Which is kind of bullshit if you ask me, because they should be praying for themselves.  Personal responsibility and all.

Anyway, Joseph invites his whole family to come hang out in Egypt with him.    And suddenly it seems like he’s a lot more important than he was a few verses ago, because he now has a throne!

(99) When they went back to Joseph he gave his father and mother a place of honour, and said: “Enter Egypt in peace by the will of God.”
(100) He seated his parents by his side on the throne; and they fell down before him in homage. “O my father,” said Joseph, “this is the meaning of my earlier dream. My Lord has made it come true. He was gracious in getting me out of the prison, and bringing you out of the desert to me after the discord created by Satan between me and my brothers, for my Lord is gracious to whomsoever He please. He is indeed all-knowing and all-wise.

Oh, so that’s what the dream was all about.  Sun, moon and planets.  I get it.  And to think, they could have avoided that whole prison / rape thing if God had just *poofed* everyone into the subservient roles he really wanted them to be in.

One last thought — Joseph’s brothers are literally on the ground, paying homage to him.  I’m picturing this as on their knees with their foreheads and hands to the ground.  Sort of like how Muslims pray.  That’s sort of fucked up considering the only person you’re supposed to do that to is God.  Pretty sure this is against God’s own rules, but hey, he makes this shit up as he goes along.

The rest of the chapter is pretty ho-hum stuff.  Mostly just God greasing up his own dick.  To the point that I wonder how that thing hasn’t fallen off yet.  Or, at the very least, it must be kind of sore.

The money verse is the one that ends the chapter.  I had to choke back the laughter:

(111) Verily in their accounts is a lesson for men of wisdom. This is not a fictitious tale, but a verification of earlier Books, and a clear exposition of everything, and a guidance and grace for those who believe.

This isn’t fiction.  Really, it’s not.  It happened.  Believe me!  Believe me, damnit!

That’s it for chapter 12.  Coming up next, chapter 13.  Whoo!  Blogathon!  I haven’t been this excited since Crying Lady went to the bathroom and gave my elbows a 5 minute break!

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Written by kafirgirl

November 1, 2008 at 3:01 pm

Posted in Quran

9 Responses

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  1. Since Joseph’s mother died in childbirth according to the original bible story, it seems odd to have her over for dinner. Maybe they didn’t prop up the corpse very well and that’s the reason she fell down in homage.

    watercat

    November 1, 2008 at 7:46 pm

  2. Watercat, I’ve been saying the same thing about John McCain. Snicker.

    kafirgirl

    November 1, 2008 at 9:54 pm

  3. watercat: “Joseph’s mother died in childbirth according to the original bible story”

    Oh, that explains it. I can’t be the only one who, when she appeared at the end there, was thinking “where the hell did she spring from?” Now of course we can all see that she was in fact dead for the previous two decades, which explains why she didn’t warrant a mention at any point in the story.

    Presumably Al resurrected her at the end there as a special treat for Jo. He didn’t mention that he’d done it explicitly because, as we all know, he hates to blow his own horn. Yeah, that’s the explanation. It wasn’t just a continuity error at all.

    manigen

    November 2, 2008 at 5:22 am

  4. [blockquote](100) He seated his parents by his side on the throne; and they fell down before him in homage. “O my father,” said Joseph, “this is the meaning of my earlier dream. My Lord has made it come true. He was gracious in getting me out of the prison, and bringing you out of the desert to me after the discord created by [b]Satan[//b] between me and my brothers, for my Lord is gracious to whomsoever He please. He is indeed all-knowing and all-wise.[/blockquote]

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Satan
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Iblis
    http://www.jewishencyclopedia.com/view.jsp?artid=270&letter=S&search=satan

    [blockquote]“Joseph’s mother died in childbirth according to the original bible story”[/blockquote]

    http://www.answering-islam.org/Quran/Contra/joseph_parents.html

    GAD

    November 2, 2008 at 1:59 pm

  5. after the discord created by Satan between me and my brothers

    So it wasn’t *really* their fault that they threw him down the well, was it? The Devil made them do it.

    Mauro

    November 2, 2008 at 4:39 pm

  6. So it wasn’t *really* their fault that they threw him down the well, was it? The Devil made them do it.

    What I find interesting is that in the OT (where this story comes from) Satan is not evil and works for god. These ideals came from the writings of the priests, so the writers of the quran are getting their stories from sources outside the bible.

    GAD

    November 2, 2008 at 8:57 pm

  7. The writers of the koran were originally polytheistic nature worshippers who had no problem with a lot of gods fighting with each other. When you shitcan all your gods except one, like Mo did, it has no one to fight with. You have to invent some bad god and then spend forever explaining why this second god must be disrespected.

    Other thing is, if you make your one god male, you have to spend forever disrespecting anything feminine.

    You take those two points and rewrite Gilgamesh and all the other old tales, viola–la koran!

    watercat

    November 2, 2008 at 9:51 pm

  8. Other thing is, if you make your one god male, you have to spend forever disrespecting anything feminine.
    Watercat

    Absolutely spot on.

    Jasmine

    November 4, 2008 at 3:54 am

  9. Catholics, Muslims open landmark talks at Vatican

    http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20081104/ts_nm/us_religion_dialogue

    Dogs and Cats living together, mass hysteria!

    GAD

    November 4, 2008 at 2:13 pm


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