We read the Quran so you don’t have to.

12: Joseph (Part II — Joseph almost gets laid.)

with 27 comments

It’s been kind of a crazy couple of weeks at work.  First I was on a hellish project that had me working ’round the clock — weekends and everything.  And then we had a scary round of layoffs.  Thanks a lot, economy!  I escaped unscathed, but that’s probably only because I don’t make enough money to be worth firing.  Ha!  But also boo, hiss!  We were given a speech saying we would have to “do more [work] with less [bodies],” so my posts might be a little more infrequent than they used to be.*  But come on.  You knew a post-a-day wouldn’t last forever.  Life catches up.  Maybe if we all pray hard enough, the recession will be over and I’ll go back to bumming around and posting every day.  …or you could just add me to your RSS feed and expect at least 1 post a week plus LOLmuslim Friday.  That’ll work, too.  Enough with the woe-is-me crap.  Lets talk about the Quran.

* They might also have typos.  I didn’t proofread this post.  Sleeping > typos.  Sorry, grammar nazis!

We left off the story with Joseph being ditched in a well by his asshole half-brothers, then rescued via bucket, only to be sold into slavery for a few measly dirhams.  Dirhams which, as BRG pointed out, didn’t really exist until way after this story supposedly took place.  (Atheists 1, God 0.  Again.)  This post picks up at the next verse, where a nameless Egyptian man and his nameless wife discuss what is to become of young Joseph:

21. The Egyptian who bought him instructed his wife: “House him honourably. He may be of use to us. We may even adopt him as a son.” So, We firmly established Joseph in the land, and taught him the interpretation of dreams. God dominated in his affairs, though most men do not know.
22. When he reached the prime of life We gave him wisdom and knowledge. Thus We reward those who are good.

So Mr. Egypt tells his wife that she must house the boy and treat him well.  They might even end up adopting the kid.  Aww!  Enslavement’s not so bad!  The way I look at it, all of this kind of makes her a mother figure to Joseph.  He’s kind of like their black market baby.  So imagine my surprise in the next verse when she busts out with this:

23. But she in whose house he resided wished to seduce him and, closing the doors, said: “Come into me.”

Woah woah wooooah.  Wooooooooah.  Mrs. Robinson, over here.  I was totally not familiar with the Bible version of this story (in which this woman has an actual name — how progressive!), so this entire thing caught me totally off guard.  Sex?  In the Quran?  Initiated by a woman??  Lawsie mercy!  And the way she says it.  Come into me. It’s a command.  Add a big boy to the end of that, and you’ve got cheesy porn dialogue right there.  My head is spinning.  Joseph, however, is way too boring chaste for a little bow chikka bow bow:

“God forbid!” he said; “he is my master who has approved my stay. Surely those who act wrongly do not prosper.”

Remember a few posts back when I talked about the Super Christian I dated for a couple of months?  We had a scene almost exactly like this one.  Man, what a dumbass.  I can kind of see where Joseph’s coming from, at least.  The lady’s married.  And probably older and more experienced.  She probably makes his virgin ass all nervous, know what I mean?

24. But the woman desired him, and he would have desired her but for the indication he received from his Lord. This was so that We may avert both evil and lechery from him, for he was one of Our chosen devotees.

So get this shit.  Joseph would have given in were it not for a well-timed divine cockblock.  Know what I think?  I think God gave Joseph a case of the flaccids.  No hard on?  No coming into anyone.  Sorry Joseph!

25. Both of them raced to the door, and she (grabbed and) rent his shirt from behind. They met her lord outside the door. “There is no other penalty for a man,” said she, “who wanted to outrage your wife but imprisonment or grievous punishment.”

Double you.  Tee.  Eff.  He ran?  He ran like he couldn’t fight her off?  Like he couldn’t defend himself?  Like she was seriously going to pull down his pants and rape him?  Seriously??

And her husband just conveniently happens to be hanging around outside the door?  What are the odds of that happening?

26. (Joseph) said: “It was she who wanted to seduce me.” And a witness from her family testified: “If the shirt is torn from the front then the woman is speaking the truth, and he is a liar.
27. But if the shirt is torn from behind then she is a liar, and he speaks the truth.”

Check it out:  CSI Egypt!  It just so happens that there is a forensics expert in the family, and they decide that the location of the tear in Joseph’s shirt will solve the mystery.  If it’s torn from the front, then Joseph is a would-be rapist.  If it’s torn in the back, then the woman is the would-be rapist (how does that work, again?).  Only it doesn’t make a hell of a lot of sense because she could grab his shirt from behind and still have it rip in the front.  Nobody seems to notice this little flaw in the plan.

28. When the husband saw the shirt torn at the back, he said: “Surely this is a woman’s ruse, and the wiles of women are great.
29. Ignore this affair, O Joseph; and you, O woman, ask forgiveness for your sin, for you were surely errant.”

The wiles of women are great? What a fucking douchebag!  And I’m not talking about the fictional Mr. Egypt, here — I’m talking about God.  No, wait.  That one’s fictional, too.  Mohammed, then.  I would love for some Muslim “feminist” to explain to me how verses like this are not blatantly sexist bullshit.  No, wait again.  I don’t want any Muslim “feminist” explaining anything to me, because I would honestly puke all over myfuckingself if anyone actually believed the Quran was a feminist book.  Seriously.  I’m getting that watery taste in my mouth already.  Lets move on quickly.

30. In the city the women gossiped: “The minister’s wife longs after her page. He has captured her heart. We think she is in clear error.”

Capture her heart nothing.  Lady just wants to get laid.

31. When she heard their slanderings, she sent for them and prepared a banquet, and gave each of them a knife (for paring fruit), and called (to Joseph): “Come out before them.” When they saw him, the women were so wonderstruck they cut their hands, and exclaimed: “O Lord preserve us! He is no mortal but an honourable angel.”

So Joseph is so hot that the women accidentally cut up their hands while ogling him.  Wow.  To think, all of this could have been prevented if Joseph had just worn a burka.  Preferably the kind that only leaves one eye uncovered — two eyes are so just asking for a good old-fashioned rapin’!

32. She said: “This is the one you blamed me for. I did desire his person, but he preserved himself from sin. Yet in case he does not do my bidding he will be put into prison and disgraced.”

Holy hell.  She’s not fucking around about fucking around, is she?  Either Joseph must have sex with her or go to prison.  If I were Joseph, I’d drop trou and do what the lady says.  I mean, come on.  Sex is great. Prison?  Not so great.  Or better yet, he could go tattle on her.  Her husband already knows she’s all wiley.  You know — on account of her being a woman and all.  Joseph could go tell Mr. Egypt what she’s been doing behind his back, show him the women’s cut-up hands, get them to serve as witnesses on his behalf, and have her ass tossed in prison for…um.  Being a sexual predator?  I don’t really know what she could go to prison for, but at least he wouldn’t end up in there for being all cockshy.  Yiish.

Why does nobody in the Quran go for the simple solutions?  The ones that make sense?  …oh, right.  Quran. Nevermind, then.

33. (Joseph) prayed: “O Lord, dearer is prison than what they invite me to. Unless You turn their guiles away from me I shall succumb to their charms and thus become a pagan.”

Are you fucking kidding me?  Joseph would rather go to prison than have sex?  And — the fuck?? — having sex makes you a pagan?  Really?  Really?? You’re all a bunch of sex-having pagans then!  Whoo!

34. His Lord heard his prayer, and averted the women’s wiles from him. He verily hears and knows everything.

Meh.  God someone averted the women’s (there’s that fucking word again) wiles, and there was no sex for anyone.  Everyone went on bottling up their sexual energy, being all prudish, and making me sad that even at it’s most exciting moments, this book is still a total snore.  Oh, and Joseph went to prison:

35. And yet in spite of having seen these clear proofs they found it proper to incarcerate him for a time.

So not only does God prevent Joseph from getting laid, he lets the guy go to prison.  For a time.  Remember in verse 21 when “God dominated in his affairs, though most men do not know.” Apparently that only includes dreams and erections.  Shit that a person might actually care about — like, I dunno, going to prison for a crime he didn’t fucking commit — God isn’t really concerned about shit like that.  What was that bit about merciful and benevolent, again?

That’s it or part 2 of As the Joseph Turns (or General Joseph, take your pick).  Part 3’s coming up, and shit’s about to get a whole lot crazier.  Hint: there’s a steamy prison sex scene!  OK, not really.  But Joseph does interpret some dreams and there are surprise visitors from a faraway land.  Hey, at least it’s not Saleh or Shu’aib again, right?


Written by kafirgirl

October 16, 2008 at 11:01 pm

Posted in Quran

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27 Responses

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  1. I love this woman! She’s like the precursor to all those wonderful femme fetales in modern tv, like Julie Cooper from The OC.

    In the Elohist version of the story, Joseph marries her daughter!


    October 17, 2008 at 2:42 am

  2. Joseph was little enough (and presumably young enough)to be rescued in a bucket. But upon taking him home and adopting him as a son, the Mrs. gets all MILFy and wants him to come into her?

    Was she seducing a kid? A baby?? But then women are known to be wiley and MILFy. Whadya gonna do….

    Interesting how the devout want to ban porn because it is shallow and meaningless? Compared to the Koran, Hot Pizza Delivery vol#4 is an intellectual pursuit! It has a semblance of a plot and at least someone gets laid!!

    And for all his chastity he gets prison-term. God intervenes to turn off the wiley woman’s wiles but not the wiley woman’s will.

    Incompetent prick!!


    October 17, 2008 at 3:08 am

  3. Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, the defense would have you believe that Joseph couldn’t screw her because he was one of Our chosen devotees’. Like MO ??? Isn’t it true that Mo did the nasty himself on at least on occasion? Yet the defense would have us believe…
    …he couldn’t fight her off….right!
    …she attacks him…right!
    …with her husband just outside the door…right!
    …he wouldn’t screw her….right!
    …because he’s all holy…right!
    ..and the front/back defense…..riiight!

    Isn’t it more likely—he was raping her, and got caught; her misogynist husband blames and punishes the victim, and the wiles of fucking bitches in general; the whole town calls her a slut; she brings them together to try and salvage her reputation; Joseph uses it to say “see, she wants it bad”–and the reason Joe ends up in prison? Never mentioned. Think Harun Yahya.
    Now, ladies and gentlemen, I ask you, which story is more believable?


    October 17, 2008 at 4:52 am

  4. In the Bible (Gen. 39:7-19), Mrs. Egypt does not have a name either. Only her husband`s name is given: Potiphar (Gen. 39:1). Therefore she is called Potiphar’s wife.


    October 17, 2008 at 6:57 am

  5. They met her lord outside the door.

    What sort of a kinky household was this? I’ll bet they did this all the time:

    1 – Buy a slave
    2 – Treat him well so that he will do anything they want.
    3 – Wife seduces him while…
    4 – …husband listens at the door, panting.
    5 – Throw slave in jail.
    6 – Repeat from step 1.


    October 17, 2008 at 8:41 am

  6. The Bible’s version is as sexist as the Quran’s, but at least it is more logical: In the Bible, Potiphar (Mr. Egypt) believes his wife’s false accusations, so Joseph is thrown in prison for (attempted?) rape. In the Quran, Joseph’s innocence is proven by great detective work, but he ends up in prison all the same.

    By the way, great blog, KG! I have been reading and enjoying it for months.

    And of course you are right that everything could have been avoided if Joseph had worn a burka. If he dresses like a tart, what does he expect?


    October 17, 2008 at 10:05 am

  7. “but for the indication he received from his Lord”

    “shall succumb to their charms and thus become a pagan”…

    Wonder if this GOD excuse was to hide something……maybe male erectile dysfunction..just thinking out loud..LOL


    October 17, 2008 at 1:17 pm

  8. I lost it at “come into me”


    Also, this whole thing with the bucket from part one doesn’t make much sense. If he was able to fit in a bucket, he must’ve been really small. So Mrs. Potiphar had the hots for a 6-year-old? Or did a long-ass time pass from the Bucketing to the Seducing?


    October 17, 2008 at 4:47 pm

  9. this is OT, but hilarious. Your blog is officially 28% evil.


    October 17, 2008 at 11:32 pm

  10. …back on topic, Abul Kasem makes a convincing case that Mo started out an aspiring poet (like in the movie Max), but was just bad at it. This seems to bear him out. The bible story makes sense, but Mo couldn’t tell it right. The story was that Joe was innocent and went to prison on false charges; he wouldn’t screw her because he had a scrap of integrity. Lecherous old Mo couldn’t fathom such reasoning, and had to come up with some sanctimonious bullshit, ruining the story in the process. Why does Joseph go to prison in his version?? They didn’t believe her with the attempted rape, even made her apologize, but now when nothing happens they suddenly believe her(?), and throw him in prison? Sure, so Mo’s story’ll come out right; like he was telling a joke and forgot the punch line.


    October 17, 2008 at 11:35 pm

  11. Crystal, she totally is. Great observation.

    Rahul, I believe he lived in her house for several years before this scene went down. Not that the Quran says that specifically, of course. There’s just that mention of how God intervened in Joseph’s life even though people didn’t know it. I’m assuming Mo was assuming that people would, erm, assume that some time passed.

    Watercat, my sentiments exactly. It’s a lot like the Lot & his daughters thing you pointed out earlier. And the whole excuse for not having sex with Mrs. Egypt is that he’s too pious. Well, Mohammed was pious too, by his own definition, and he fucked plenty.

    Karin, thanks for pointing that out. I remembered wrong — I thought her name was Potiphar. Doh! Thanks for clearing that up. So, wow, the Bible version does make more sense than Karin. It’s really been bugging me — why was Joseph thrown into prison? There must have been a reason? To me, it’s just a little more of Mo peeking through. Women are whores and liars. Why would anyone believe them? How many witnesses does a Muslim rape victim need again?

    Vani, “the indication” cracked me up. Joseph had a softy! The part about pagans didn’t make much sense. At least not to me. Are they saying pagans are the only ones who have sex outside of wedlock? Uhhh, what about the whole “what your right hand possesses” (ie concubine) things?

    Scott, long ass time. Orrr maybe Joseph was a midget! …or they just had ginormous buckets back in the day. It’s a Quranic mystery!

    Manigen, teehee, I had that same though. Like that scene from “Sideways.” Ugh. Bad memories of that one.


    October 18, 2008 at 9:45 am

  12. Hey Kafir Girl,

    Fantastic blog, akthough I have to admit I no longer have the stomach to trawl through Quranic verse figuring out the bits I don’t agree with.

    There have been times that I have felt that I should formalise in writing my own deconversion from Islam but I no longer have the patience/care enough to expend the energy on such a project.

    It took so long to get over the guilt and find a new framework to live my life by, going over the whole sorry affair would feel too much like going backwards.

    I remember trying to scare myself back into the fold by going through my english version of the bahari sharif and I got to the bit where Hazrat Issa comes back to lead the umma after all the calamities. And what’s his first acts as a leader? break the cross, kill the swine and abolish jiziyah.

    I no longer wanted any part of it, I did for a long time that maybe I had read all the wrong books, and that this was one interpretation amongst many. But I had to ask myself, if I was god and this was apparently the perfect religion – why was it so damned hard to work out what was right and wrong? It just made no sense.

    Rant over – my original reason for posting was that you might find the following interesting in the Guardian:


    All the best X

    PS loads of the ex-muslims I come across have a Pakistani background (myself incl) is this just comfirmation bias? You, apostate, also the in name of towelie blog which is no longer around. A few years ago there was no presence at all but I’m glad for these little pockets of rationality.

    Lab Rat

    October 18, 2008 at 12:13 pm

  13. Either Joseph must have sex with her or go to prison. If I were Joseph, I’d drop trou and do what the lady says. I mean, come on. Sex is great. Prison? Not so great.

    Well, maybe Joseph was gay.


    October 18, 2008 at 1:19 pm

  14. Well, we would probably do well to remember that the Quran isn’t the most linear book, when it comes to ‘story lines.’ The time between the bucket and the ‘come into me’ line could have been twelve Quran years, but the Quran isn’t going to tell you this because, as our ulemaa say, ‘Hey, it was covered in the Bible and this book isn’t about the details so much [no really], it’s more about the afterlife.’ This is what you hear all the time when there’s a jump in time or the story line jumps around or anything that otherwise doesn’t make sense in the old Q-Book.

    As for lots of apostates being Pakistanis, consider that Pakistanis make up a large percentage of Muslims to begin with in the UK and the US. Anytime you read something about Islam in the UK or the US, well, often time it is a Pakistani who is doing the representing. So it would only make sense that it works the other way as well.

    It seems to me that Arab apostates are not as willing to write about these things publicly, or maybe they don’t care, but I do know plenty of Arab non believers. And the converts? Well, people don’t pay a whole lot of attention to the average convert to begin with*, so how are they going to notice when they leave? I think apostates from convert backgrounds tend to be much quieter about it, probably because there aren’t as many family ties that keep Islam in their lives on a regular basis.

    * except when someone needs to be displayed for the media.

    Happy to Be Gone

    October 18, 2008 at 7:41 pm

  15. ps – where are the LOLz?

    Happy to Be Gone

    October 18, 2008 at 7:42 pm

  16. In the biblical account Joseph is supposed to be teenager-ish when he gets sold into slavery. Which seems to contradict the quranic account, even as the Quran relies on the Bible for “details.”


    October 18, 2008 at 9:48 pm

  17. @Lab Rat: From the link you posted about a guy blogging the Quran …


    I agree with you about beauty, directive. The Qur’an promotes the appreciation of beauty in all its forms, natural as well as the product of human endeavour.

    I guess I need to go back and re-read the Quran to see if I can find the beauty in pedophilia, wife-beating, polygamy (OK, maybe I can see that one, from a guy’s perspective), other mistreatments of women, killing infidels, and the fact that Allah is an ignorant, deceiving, and vindictive ass.


    October 19, 2008 at 1:12 pm

  18. 37:2 These are the generations of Jacob. Joseph, being seventeen years old, was feeding the flock with his brethren; and the lad was with the sons of Bilhah, and with the sons of Zilpah, his father’s wives: and Joseph brought unto his father their evil report.

    Joseph was 17 when he was thrown in the pit and then sold into slavery.


    October 19, 2008 at 6:45 pm

  19. 26. (Joseph) said: “It was she who wanted to seduce me.” And a witness from her family testified: “If the shirt is torn from the front then the woman is speaking the truth, and he is a liar.
    27. But if the shirt is torn from behind then she is a liar, and he speaks the truth.”

    Soooo, if he wears his shirt backwards, then what? i truly think Watercat hit it right on the head given the misogynistic attitude of the book. Furthermore, let’s not forget that her testimony would still be worth half of a man’s, so why believe her anyway? By that logic, this story makes even less sense. But then again, who needs sense when religion requires faith?
    As far as Crystal’s comment on the biblical account, it’s even more awkward because, well – what teenager fits in a bucket? The contradictions are not surprising. If the bible and quran have contradictions WITHIN THEMSELVES, they dwarf the contradictions between each other.


    October 19, 2008 at 7:03 pm

  20. After having been called a slut by the whole town, the Egyptian lady was able to get him to go to prison for refusing her. Now that is some clout she had. Way better than anything ladies can imagine in Arab land today, or anywhere else for that matter.
    Burqha for Joseph is good, no fucking modesty when it comes to dudes. And Mo was busy doing it with his son’s daughter, the beautiful females of the tribes that they killed in sudden raids (of course after he killed her husbands, fathers) and even his wife’s maids, in her absence.

    Another Kafir

    October 19, 2008 at 10:29 pm

  21. Gen 37:28 Then there passed by Midianites merchantmen; and they drew and lifted up Joseph out of the pit, and sold Joseph to the Ishmeelites for twenty pieces of silver: and they brought Joseph into Egypt.

    No bucket in the bible.

    My guess in the quran version is he didn’t fit in the bucket but was pulled up by the rope, maybe with one foot in the bucket for balance.


    October 19, 2008 at 10:33 pm

  22. We has the story on the bucket:


    October 19, 2008 at 11:28 pm

  23. We has the story of the bucket:


    October 19, 2008 at 11:33 pm

  24. Madam MILF wants him (im)PALIN her but Joe-the-plumber has a problem with them tubes. He thinks “MeCan make a virtue of a necessity. God is all-wise, all-compassionate and all-mavericky”.


    October 20, 2008 at 2:12 am

  25. Gen. Jo sounds better. :-)

    Wow. Thanks for the recap. It’s been a while since my religious education, and I’m not ashamed to say I’ve completely forgotten about Jo.

    I was wondering how it’s not just symptomatic of the Abrahamic religions but also others I’ve read about that clearly present the woman in cahoots with satan or some such thing.


    October 20, 2008 at 8:36 am

  26. Muhammed — you forgot about Joseph, and I’d barely even heard of him. In fact, in an Islamic context, I don’t think I’ve ever heard the story! Turns out he has a whole chapter devoted to him. Yiish.


    October 21, 2008 at 8:19 am

  27. The next post is way overdue


    October 27, 2008 at 12:26 pm

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