We read the Quran so you don’t have to.

12: Joseph (Part I — The boys who cried wolf.)

with 38 comments

Digg del.icio.us StumbleUpon RedditThis chapter is, if you’ll pardon the expression, a godsend.  Before you get your panties all crapped up:

godsend god·send (gäd′send′) n. Something wanted or needed that comes or happens unexpectedly.

God’s got nothing to do with it.  I would say it’s a Googlesend, but that lame joke was from a few posts back and I didn’t think anyone would remember it.  Godsend will have to do.

This chapter is just what I’ve been hoping for after several sad weeks of incredibly ho-hum subject matter.  For starters, the entire thing is a story.  And not some half-assed story about 7 guys with identical lives, plus a magic camel and a couple of natural disasters tossed in for fun.  This is actually a continuous narrative about one guy.  And it’s a story I’ve never even heard of before.  Hot damn, what more could a bored girl ask for?  It’s got action, it’s got drama, it’s got sex!  OK, fine, there’s no sex, but action and drama are pretty neat, too.

The chapter starts out with some mystical letters (woo woo!) and a reference to the book that didn’t really exist as a book till later:

(1) ALIF LAM RA. These are the verses of the immaculate Book.

Pretty standard stuff.  Nothing we’ve never seen before.

(2) We have sent it down as a clear discourse that you may understand.

Clear discourse, my ass.  Again, nothing new here.  God says that the message in his Quran is “clear,” but so far, the only thing it’s been clear about is what an asshole God is.

(3) Through the revelation of this Qur’an We narrate the best of histories of which you were unaware before.

Right.  Basically Mohammed just takes a story from the Bible and makes up some new details to give it his own flair.  And obviously nobody knows these new details since, um, Mohammed just made ’em up.  Ta da!  Best of histories of which you were unaware before! Nice how that works out, right?

And with that, we jump right in to the Joseph story:

(4) When Joseph told his father: “O my father, I saw eleven stars and the sun and the moon bowing before me in homage,”

Many egotistical pricks think the sun revolves around them — this guy thinks it actually bows down to him.  How does that work, exactly?  Does it dip?  Roll forward?  Do little cartoon hands and legs come out of the sides and pull up the sun’s fire-skirt for a good old-fashioned curtsy?  What the fuck?

I checked out some other translations to make sure Ahmed Ali wasn’t toning down the crazy like he’s done before:

A. J. Arberry:
(4) When Joseph said to his father, ‘Father, I saw eleven stars, and the sun and the moon; I saw them bowing down before me.’

Yusuf Ali: Pickthall:
(4) When Joseph said unto his father: O my father! Lo! I saw in a dream eleven planets and the sun and the moon, I saw them prostrating themselves unto me.

Pickthall: Yusuf Ali: (Thanks for the correction, d1g1t!)
(4) Behold! Joseph said to his father: “O my father! I did see eleven stars and the sun and the moon: I saw them prostrate themselves to me!”

Wow.  Pickthall actually says 11 planets.  Boy, I bet the Muslim scientists just had a field day with that one.  With the 8 planets and 3 dwarf planets, it looks like God actually got one right!  In one out of four English translations of the book, anyway.  But even then, not really.  What are we up to — 13 planets, at last count?  So the “science” of the Quran worked for a hot minute and then actual science trumped it.  Again.

(I’d like to take this opportunity to tell Pluto that dwarf or not, you’ll always be a planet in my heart.  My Very Educated Mother Just Served Us Nine Pizzas. Without Pluto, it would be “Just Served us Nine.”  I always thought 9 pizzas was an alarming amount of food for the average family, but it wouldn’t be the same without.)

(5) He said: “O son, do not narrate your dream to your brothers, or they will plot against you. Surely Satan is man’s acknowledged foe.

My family is kind of nutty.  They actually believe their dreams are omens, and I still get the occasional panicked call from my mother saying something like, “Don’t fly today!”  (Well, shit, I’d better go take my wings off.)  My favorite one ever was, “Don’t cross over a bridge today!” while I was stuck in traffic on a bridge.  She might have called that one right, actually.  It took me a fucking hour to get home!

And, I know I’m going to catch a lot of slack for this, but why did Joseph’s father raise such jerks?  Maybe I’m just bitter about my morning commute via public transportation when a little girl stood up on the seat and screamed at the top of her lungs for a solid 20 minutes, while her mother ignored her.  Did I mention I had noise canceling headphones on and I could still hear the little asshole?  But seriously, Joseph’s father goes on to shift the blame onto Satan.  As if Satan was the reason his kids turned out to be such conniving little fuckers.

(6) Your Lord will choose you and teach you to interpret events, and confer His favours on you and the house of Jacob, as He had done in the case of two ancestors of yours, Abraham and Isaac, before you. Indeed your Lord is all-knowing and all-wise.”

OK, so God will teach Joseph to be the Sylvia Browne of his day.  And he’s related to Abraham and Isaac.  I guess there’s some sort of prophethood gene involved or something — not that the Quran mentions anything about genetics.  No, that would be too science-y, and not nearly vague enough to fit whatever modern science you want to “prove” exists in the Quran.

(7) In the story of Joseph and his brothers are lessons for those who inquire.
(8) “Surely Joseph and his brother are dearer to our father than we,” (said his half brothers) “even though we are a well-knit band. Our father is surely in the wrong.

I love how Joseph’s brother and half-brothers don’t even have names.  It doesn’t even mention how many half-brothers there are — details, schmetails.  The half-brothers are pissed off because they think thier father favors their half-brothers over them.  Which may well have been the case.  I mean, the kids don’t even fucking have names.  That’s just sad.

Also, can someone please explain to me why Ahmed Ali went with the supremely dorky phrase well-knit band? I mean, who talks like that?  These guys are badasses, and badasses definitely don’t say well-knit band.  I think of them more as a gang.  A possee.  A motley crew, even.  Just sayin’.

(9) Let us kill Joseph or cast him in some distant land so that we may get our father’s exclusive affection; then play innocent.”

Woah woah woah wooooooah.  The fuck?  What happened to talking things out?  Sharing feelings and being honest with one another?  Family therapy?  They skip all of that and go straight to killing Joseph?  And, just out of curiosity, why only Joseph?  I thought he had a brother who was also dearer to daddy.  Why not kill them both?  They didn’t really think this one out too much.  And I’m not the only one who thinks so:

(10) One of them said: “If you must do so, then do not kill Joseph, but throw him into an unused well. Some passing caravan may rescue him.”

Nice job coming up with Plan B, buddy.  But, seriously, it’s probably still easier to just talk it out.  The old guy probably has no idea he’s being a douchetard, plus it would save you the trouble of finding an unused well along a trade route.  Just my 2 cents.

Either way, the well idea isn’t all that much nicer than killing Joseph.  Pushing him in an unused well full of water so he can drown — that’s nicer than, I dunno, chopping his head off or something?  And if the well has no water in it, he’s even more screwed.  It’s the fucking desert.  He’d die of thirst.  Again, a little one-on-one could probably solve the whole problem, but apparently everyone was a fucking idiot back in the day.

(11) (Then going to their father) they said: “O father, why don’t you trust us with Joseph? We are in fact his well-wishers.
(12) Let him go out with us tomorrow that he may enjoy and play. We shall take care of him.”

Up until that point in the story, I didn’t realize just how young Joseph and his brothers were.  I was imagining them as 18+ but “Can Joey come out and play?”  They’re kids! Kids plotting to kill their brother!  That’s some fucked up shit right there.  I would say, “Only in the Quran,” but I hear this stuff’s all over the Bible.

(13) He said: “I am afraid of sending him with you lest a wolf should devour him when you are unmindful.”

And that’s exactly what happened.  A wolf swallows Joseph whole.  And then he lives in the wolf’s stomach for 3 whole days until he’s spit out on an island.  …OK not really.  I was just checking to make sure you’re paying attention.

Double you.  Tee.  Eff.  A wolf should devour him when you are being unmindful? Did this happen often in Joseph’s neighborhood?  Where do they live — Wasilla, Alaska?  (Oh, snap!)  And I thought my parents were overly protective.  Joseph’s father, by the way, is a total asshole.  He’s worried that a wolf might eat poor old Joseph, but he doesn’t seem to give a shit that any of his other (nameless) kids might meet the same fate.  I realize all parents play favorites to a certain degree, but this is a little outta control.

(14) They replied: “If a wolf should devour him when we are there, a well-knit band, we shall certainly be treacherous.”

They got the treacherous part right.

(15) So, when they took him out they planned to throw him into an unused well. We revealed to Joseph: “You will tell them (one day) of this deed when they will not apprehend it.”

This instant message from God is Joseph’s second encounter with God (the first was the outer space dream sequence).  This time, God basically tells him something bad is about to go down.  If I were Joseph, I would have hightailed my prophetic ass out of there. Fuck this martyr shit — sayonara, assholes! I would at least have put up a fight.  Something.  Anything.  But no.  Joseph just goes along with it.

(16) At nightfall they came to their father weeping,
(17) And said: “We went racing with one another and left Joseph to guard our things when a wolf devoured him. But you will not believe us even though we tell the truth.”

Seriously?  Seriously?? They just took his idea verbatim and used that as their big lie?  The fuck?  Why didn’t they change something?  At least come up with a different animal or something?  I mean, what are the fucking odds?  How much more suspicious can you get?

(18) They showed him the shirt with false blood on it.

It’s like an episode of Three’s Company.  Only with fake fratricide.  But wait, there’s more:

(Their father) said: “It is not so; you have made up the story. Yet endurance is best. I seek the help of God alone for what you impute.”

Joseph’s dad doesn’t believe the boys.  He thinks they’ve done something bad to poor, shirtless Joseph.  So he does what any reasonable person would do.  He goes to the police station and tells ’em everything.  Oh.  Wait.  My mistake.  Joseph’s dad does not go to the authorities.  He decided to just pray about it.  In other words, he does absolutely fucking nothing.  Father of the year, ladies and gentlemen.  Man of God.

Maybe, just maybe, if he didn’t play favorites with Joseph, spread the attention around a little, his “other” kids wouldn’t feel the need to off their brother just to get a little quality time with dad.  I’m just sayin’.

Meanwhile, in an unused well…

(19) A caravan happened to pass, and sent the water-carrier to bring water from the well. He let down his bucket (and pulled Joseph up with it). “What luck,” said the man; “here is a boy;” and they hid him as an item of merchandise; but what they did was known to God.

Pulling a bucket of water out of a well and finding a shirtless boy in it?  What luck, indeed!  No joke — I laughed so hard at that guy’s reaction that I damn near popped a blood vessel.  You’d think he’d be like, “What the fuck?  There’s a kid in my bucket!” Or at least a, “What were you doing down there?”  But no.  It’s all casual like, “Oh, sweet, I found a dollar!”  “Check it out, fellas, I found a child in my bucket.”

“What luck!  Here is a boy!”

I died.  I absolutely died.  And then they sold the boy into slavery:

(20) And they sold him as worthless for a few paltry dirham.

Not so funny anymore, is it, asshole?  Bet you feel pretty bad about that one.  …meh.  I didn’t either.  That’s the beauty of fiction!

That’s all I have for now.  Coming up next: more on Joseph.  The story gets better and better.  Stay tuned, babies!


Written by kafirgirl

October 10, 2008 at 10:48 pm

Posted in Quran

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38 Responses

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  1. The bible Genesis:

    37:9 And he dreamed yet another dream, and told it his brethren, and said, Behold, I have dreamed a dream more; and, behold, the sun and the moon and the eleven stars made obeisance to me.

    That’s his father (sun) and mother (moon) and 11 bothers (stars).


    October 10, 2008 at 11:58 pm

  2. In the original what really sets the brothers off is that their dad gives Joseph this great coat (of many colors) and they get jealous. Also, I remember Joseph being kind of bratty, like lording his dream over his brothers all “look how awesome I am.” Part of the genesis (haha) of the story is supposed to be that has to suffer a bit and learn to stop being such an ass before he can start being useful and holy and prophetic and save everyone. But in all the Muslim versions of the story the prophets are always perfect. I remember having a convo with someone who was very adamant that all the bad stuff David couldn’t have been true because he was a prophet and therefore infallible.


    October 11, 2008 at 12:29 am

  3. According to the quotes, Yusuf Ali says 11 planets, not Pickthall :P

    I can’t believe that most people who read such holy books think these things actually happened.


    October 11, 2008 at 12:35 am

  4. Nachoes.

    My Very Educated Mother Just Served Us Nachoes.


    October 11, 2008 at 12:50 am

  5. You can keep Pluto in the line up, but you have to include the other four dwarf planets as well: Ceris (between Mars and Jupiter) and Haumea, Makemake and Eris (out beyond Pluto).

    So the acronym becomes MVEMCJSUNPHME. Which is tricky. The best I can do is:

    My Very Educated Mother Can’t Just Serve Us Nine Pizzas, He Might Explode.


    October 11, 2008 at 5:47 am

  6. “20) And they sold him as worthless for a few paltry dirham”

    Dirham???? In the Quran???? Said by god???? In Pharaoh-age Middle East????

    From Wikipedia: “Historically, the word “dirham” is derived from the name of a Greek coin, the Drachma (δραχμή); the Greek-speaking Byzantine Empire controlled the Levant and traded with Arabia, circulating the coin there in pre-Islamic times and afterward. It was this currency which was initially adopted as an Arab word; then near the end of the 7th century the coin became an Islamic currency bearing the name of the sovereign and a religious verse.”

    Note this from above: then near the end of the 7th century… that is, around the time the Mo was up and about, and the Quran was compiled.


    October 11, 2008 at 6:33 am

  7. GAD, it definitely doesn’t say anything about 11 brothers in the Quran. Or a mother, for that matter. Perhaps something got lost in translation and Mo thought the story was meant to be taken literally?

    Crystal, so THAT’S where the technicolor dream coat comes from. Harhar!

    D1g1t, thanks for catching that. I fixed it.

    Ross, niiiiice. I love me some nachoes.

    Manigen, that was brilliant. Kudos!

    BRG, wha? No dirhams till the end of the 7th century? That’s just screwy. Fucking excellent catch!


    October 11, 2008 at 10:18 am

  8. lol . . . and lo, it was a Cracker Jack well, with a prize inside. Gotta love them old-fashioned family values. Was this written by Paolini? I mean, really?

    Mike Lee

    October 11, 2008 at 10:23 am

  9. Mary’s violet eyes make John stay up nights (period).

    That’s the version I was taught and it makes much more sense without Pluto :). I always thought it was a bit racey for Catholic school, and hadn’t heard the pizza version until I went to public school for junior high.


    October 11, 2008 at 10:31 am

  10. He had 11 brothers and one sister. The wikipedia link has a list at the bottom, also a islam section.


    October 11, 2008 at 12:21 pm

  11. KafirGirl, I’ve been reading your blog for a while. Just wanted to say excellent stuff keep it going. Your comments on the child getting pulled out of the bucket…priceless! :) Another great LOL moment. Like you said the sensible response should be WTF. I think there should be a lobby on the internets to replace PBUH with WTF so maybe people will actually think about what they read.

    Matti Z

    October 11, 2008 at 12:42 pm

  12. It’s got action, it’s got drama, it’s got sex! OK, fine, there’s no sex

    So the Quran doesn’t include the part about Potiphar’s wife putting the moves on Joseph? (Okay, he rejected her, so there was no actual sex, but still.)

    And, I know I’m going to catch a lot of slack for this, but why did Joseph’s father raise such jerks?

    Well, historically speaking, it’s probably because the story originates in the Northern Kingdom of Israel, where the dominant tribe claimed to be descended from Joseph, so he was OBVIOUSLY the best one. Within the context of the story, we’re talking about a guy who tricked his older brother out of his birthright and stole from his uncle, so he probably didn’t instill the best values in his offspring.

    He goes to the police station and tells ‘em everything. Oh. Wait. My mistake. Joseph’s dad does not go to the authorities.

    To be fair, there might not have been any local authorities, and Jacob’s family probably wasn’t held in the highest regard after his sons killed everyone in Shechem. You would at least think dear old dad would have asked his sons about the bones, though. Unless the wolves in that area were so tough that they ate the bones as well.


    October 11, 2008 at 3:44 pm

  13. “We are in fact his well-wishers.”



    October 11, 2008 at 4:46 pm

  14. Too bad that pun probably wouldn’t work in Arabic.


    October 11, 2008 at 5:38 pm

  15. My image of this has Mo traveling around with his sugar mommy’s caravans, where he heard stories the homebodies weren’t familiar with, and he passed them off as revelation. He seems to forget telling details like a reason for Joe’s brothers to hate him (the coat), or a non-financial interest in saving Joe’s life.

    And Mo’s personality shows thru in his depiction of (completely womanless) family: play favorites, blame satan for the boy’s misbehavior, let people babysit even when you suspect they might commit murder, don’t bother to investigate when you suspect someone killed your kid — he can’t seem to imagine people (or gods) that aren’t sociopaths, like him.

    Most Virgins Eagerly Make Certain Juicy Sex Urges Naturally Produce Heated Manual Ectasy.


    October 11, 2008 at 7:35 pm

  16. You should totally rent “Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat” now! :D The story is just as fucked up in the bible as it is in the koran! Much more entertaining as musical theater. With Donny Osmond as Joseph.

    OK, so God will teach Joseph to be the Sylvia Browne of his day. And he’s related to Abraham and Isaac. I guess there’s some sort of prophethood gene involved or something — not that the Quran mentions anything about genetics.”

    It’s all in the midi-chlorians, mannnn!!!

    The Perky Skeptic

    October 11, 2008 at 9:34 pm

  17. We need us some nice gospel music.


    October 12, 2008 at 5:09 pm

  18. Can anyone please explain what the fuck ‘false blood’ is? Did they get some chicken blood or some shit or did they come up with another bullshit element to this story? How did Joseph fit in the bucket when rescued? Who is writing this shit??!!

    Previously i believed the bible was full of tall tales, yet now i am in total awe of islam and the insane proportion of insanity applied to these bronze age myths. i wonder if Nissa has anything to say about shit like this? Has she posted anything regarding tall tales of Paul Bunyon’s ilk before? i’d like to see her justify this.


    October 12, 2008 at 5:48 pm

  19. The story of Joseph is also the “basis” of a Spanish comic opera from 1910, “La Corte del Faraón”:



    October 12, 2008 at 5:56 pm

  20. Maybe Joseph greeted the caravan dudes as “liberators”.


    October 12, 2008 at 5:59 pm

  21. “We’re gonna need a bigger bucket.”

    The Perky Skeptic

    October 13, 2008 at 7:03 am

  22. Emmy, that’s waaaay racy for Cafflick school. How progressive!

    Matti, you start a petition, I”ll sign it!

    Nathan, shhhh, that’s coming up. Technically no sex, though, right? And wow, in context, this story is even more fucked up than I thought. His brothers killed everyone in Shechem? The Quran kinda left that part out.

    Watercat, excellent point. I think you’re right on the money — if you want to see what crazy summabitch Mohammed really was, this is one of those really revealing stories. Next part gets better, too, since it’s pretty much about how women suck.

    Priest, I thought they got animal blood, too, but that seems so time-consuming. They “ran” home to their father, but they stopped on the way to kill an animal and smear blood all over Joseph’s shirt? The bucking thing killed me. I mean, how old is Joseph if he fits into a bucket? Or maybe he’s a midget?

    As for what Muslims think about these stories, my understanding is that they believe them literally — but only under the stipulation that these things happened all the time back in the day. When people lived to be 900 years old. And, uh, boats could house a kajillion animals.

    Rahul, you went all John McCain for a second. Bahaha!

    The Perky Skeptic, can you imagine? “Uhh just try putting your foot in it and holding on to the rope, kid. We’ll have you out in a jiffy.”


    October 13, 2008 at 8:03 am

  23. Why am I reminded of the line in Better Off Dead? Something like “now that’s a real shame when people throw away a perfectly good white boy like that.”


    October 13, 2008 at 10:50 am

  24. Goodness gracious me !!!….I had just made this shit up.Mo was totally high on sumthing and I decided to take him for a ride. I did not expect him to spread this shit around. He probably must have had a brain fart when I told him not to share this shit.
    Btw…this Jacob..he is a total son of a bitch..I must have been tired after all the fucking I do with u guys when I created him…
    Love & Regards,

    PS: With so many of u dying for me…i m running outta virgins in jannat..Please apply for the open positions.Renumaration includes health benifits and getting to screw around with handsome jihadis..


    October 13, 2008 at 2:51 pm

  25. Now i shall turn to the Holy Qu’ran, which is to aya 3, Allah tells Mo that he is giving copyright of ‘the best stories’. That’s nice, it’s like reruns from the Torah, Allah says it’s cool in Aya 3.

    huh, if u link aya 4 with aya 5, clearly it is telling that ikhwaataak ( ure brothers) is same as the dream of the hidashaar kukukabuu (11 planets), with Yusuf’s father warning not to join the two. He had 11 bothers therefore, he was the 12th.

    Aya 20 on dirhams, yes, this is saying exactly dirhams in Arabi also. Was they around at that time? Sorry no, it’s like saying, “William the Conqueror paid $700 for a horse.” Tehe, stoooopid.

    Easy to see how the arabs lactched onto this soapy tale and turned into a myth of Muslim male self abstinence.
    ” U know they were all after me, those freaky foreign kafir chicks, but u know me, i fought off the madam of the house and her party goer mates.”
    Yeah right, as if one of THESE guys would ever turn down a fuck. They wouldn’t… but being goatherds they don’t get to make out with the scented, probably pretty chique Egyptian women either (unless they pay a few of the non existent dirhams), so up comes the story worthy of any poor Cuban gardener in up town LA,
    “Man that blonde bimbo was just begging me man, like she was hot man.”
    Misogonyist male social inferior crap (as always).


    October 13, 2008 at 2:56 pm

  26. “i’ m running outta virgins in jannat.Please apply for the open positions.”

    Er, i just got offered a place in jehenem ty god, so i guess i won’t be applyin’ u know……


    October 14, 2008 at 12:42 pm

  27. My Vivid Epiphany: Mohammad Just Served Us Nonsense!


    October 14, 2008 at 4:48 pm

  28. ….Rahul FTW.


    October 14, 2008 at 5:30 pm

  29. Second that. Perfect!


    October 14, 2008 at 9:44 pm

  30. You’re been tagged ;)


    October 15, 2008 at 3:35 am

  31. Damn, screwed the link :( Sorry


    October 15, 2008 at 3:37 am

  32. “Many egotistical pricks think the sun revolves around them — this guy thinks it actually bows down to him.”

    Huh, this guy has a HUGE entitlement issue, spoiled son of the patriarchy, spolied brat, spoiled litte BOY!
    And the women just have to be all after him and bowing down and begging to him also, don’t they?
    Huh, i think not. See, it’s not like a question of feminism i am telling, it’s just basic psychology if u like.
    He reminds me of me youngest brother who works on our family market stall, professes his Islam extremely so- insults to me, accuses me of everything u can think of and has strings of white girl friends. He thinks i ‘bow down to him,’ but i wouldn’t actually mind dumping down a well also.


    October 15, 2008 at 8:46 am

  33. “I can’t believe that most people who read such holy books think these things actually happened.”

    Some people seem to be incapable of understanding the concepts of metaphor, parable, or legend.

    Isn’t the Quran compiled from notes taken by Mohammed’s disciples during (or after) his talks? Has anyone looked at university student lecture notes? How close do you think this stuff would be to what Mohammed actually said?

    That is just on top of the fact that as Mohammed couldn’t read the Torah, he picked up its content by word of mouth. The whole thing is a mess.

    But under it all, there are some good stories which are well worth knowing.

    Don Cox

    October 15, 2008 at 1:30 pm

  34. “But under it all, there are some good stories which are well worth knowing.”

    I’m not sure that many of the stories are good, exactly. By modern standards they tend to lack plot, characterisation and coherence, even in the better preserved versions. But for all that, yes, they can be an interesting read. It’s just a shame that so many people take them so seriously.

    Wouldn’t it be great if everyone treated the stories that originate in the Torah in the same way we treat the greek and norse mythologies (both of which are typically better plotted, by the way)?


    October 16, 2008 at 4:46 am

  35. By modern standards they tend to lack plot, characterisation and coherence, even in the better preserved versions. But for all that, yes, they can be an interesting read.

    I agree. Read, Who Wrote the Bible, it will change your view of the bible. At least it did for me.


    October 16, 2008 at 11:08 am

  36. […] then rescued via bucket, only to be sold into slavery for a few measly dirhams.  Dirhams which, as BRG pointed out, didn’t really exist until way after this story supposedly took place.  (Atheists 1, God […]

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