11: Hūd (Part II — Time for Plan B?)
In the last post, we read about Abraham and Lot’s wild adventures with angels and run-ins with lusty homosexual mobs. This post is about some of those other guys who show up in the Quran. The ones we’ve already run into a few time so far. I kind of wonder, if there were 124,000 prophets in total, why God focuses on the same 7 or 8. And even then it’s usually just the same story over and over again. Boh-ring! Luckily for us, we get a couple of new details with every retelling. And Noah’s story just got a whole lot more interesting.
We start out with Noah delivering a message to his people:
(25) We sent Noah to his people (and he said): “I give you a clear warning.
(26) Do not worship anyone but God; for I fear the punishment of a dreadful day for you.”
Warning, punishment, dreadful day — yup! All standard prophet talk. It’s kind of a wonder to me that people can pick and chose which prophet’s messages to believe since they’re all saying pretty much the same shit. Anyway, Noah’s people react in a pretty standard way, too. They think he’s batshitasscrazy:
(27) The leaders of the people who were unbelievers, replied: “We see that you are but a man like us, and see that none among us follows you but the meanest and immature of judgement, and do not see any excellence in you above us. In fact, we think you are a liar.”
See that meanest and immature of judgment bit? Not to be a total jerk, but it sounds pretty accurate. The God of the Quran is not exactly a nice guy. When it comes down to it, God is kind of a jerk. And we’ve already seen some verses that tell people not to think too hard so they don’t lose faith. What kinda crowd does a God like that attract? Think about it. (But not too hard so you don’t lose faith.)
(28) He said: “O my people, think. If I have a clear proof from my Lord, and He has bestowed on me His grace, though unknown to you, can we force it upon you when you are averse?
See, here’s something God doesn’t really get: clear proof. He sends down some unbelievably boring books that are full of mistakes and silliness. That’s his idea of proof. Yes, yes, we’ve all heard the excuse that the book simply cannot be reproduced and is the single greatest thing ever written and blahblahblahMuslimbullshit. A) That doesn’t mean a goddamned thing to anyone but brainwashed Muslims, and B) it doesn’t serve as proof of anything. So, seriously, no more emails about how it’s the most flawless book in the world. And in case I’m not making it clear enough: fuck off with that tired old excuse. Please. And thanks.
(29) I do not demand for it any wealth from you, O my people. My reward is with God. And I will not drive those away who believe. They have also to meet their Lord. But I see you are an ignorant people.
Noah may not have demanded any wealth from his people, but boy oh boy, that’s not the case with Mohammed, is it? He kept 20% of all war booty for himself, remember? And, as we saw in chapter 9, the Quran actually chastises those who don’t give their money to fund Mohammed’s wars. Erm, I mean God’s cause. *Wink wink* Your idea of demanding might be slightly different than mine, but threatening and bullying someone into giving you money — that sounds an awful lot like demanding to me. You can call it extortion if it makes you feel better.
Also, I love that Noah calls his people ignorant. Who’s more ignorant? The guy who believes a bush talks to him or the people who think he’s nutty? I’m just saying. Anyway, Noah and his peeps go back and forth like that for a while. (You’re stupid. No, you’re stupid.) And then, finally, things pick up:
(36) And Noah was informed through revelation: “Apart from those who have come to believe already not one of your people is going to believe. So grieve not for what they are doing.
(37) Build an ark under Our eye and as We instruct. Do not plead for those who have been wicked, for they shall certainly be drowned.”
Ta-da! The ark shows up in the Quran! From my understanding, the Bible goes into some pretty great detail about the ark. Size, shape, how many windows, etc. The Quran doesn’t do that. It’s just “an ark.” Which is fantastic because, seriously, I would slit my wrists if I had to sit through a description of how many cubits of what kind of wood and whatever the hell else the Bible blathers on about forfuckingever.
(38) So he built the ark; and when groups of his people passed by him, they scoffed at him. He said to them: “Though you laugh at us (now), we shall laugh at you, as you are laughing at us.
You know what I’m laughing at? I’m laughing at how childish Noah is. You’ll be sorry! And I’m laughing at how fucking convoluted this entire plan is. The whole world is rotten, so what does God do? Does he strike down the people he doesn’t like? Does he smite the shit out of them? Does he just *poof* them out of existence? No, no, that would be too simple. It would make too much sense.
No, here’s what God does: he has Noah build a boat. A bigass boat. And then he has Noah gather up a pair of every single species. Every. Single. Species. On the face of the planet. On one boat. Together. And then they sail around while everyone else drowns. …yeah. That’s God’s great plan for how to get rid of the dummies while preserving the good people. That makes perfect sense.
(40) When Our command was issued and the waters gushed forth from the source, We said: “Take into (the ark) a pair of every species, and members of your family other than those against whom the sentence has been passed already, and those who come to believe.” But only a few believed in him.
So, uh, what exactly was the source of the water? And how did Noah get pandas, koalas, penguins and polar bears to the ark? And why the hell did Noah bring animals like mice and rats onboard? I mean, mice are part of Satan’s army, right? Why not drown the fuckers? And what about those pesky abortion-causing snakes we read about in hadith? Or those nasty old pigs and impure dogs? Why not weed ’em out? Doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to me. I have so many questions, but God is super tight-lipped on the details. He’s a secretive guy, dontchaknow. I’m sure there’s some incredible apologetics bout how the polar bears swam to Australia and carried the koalas on their backs all the way to Noah’s house, but I won’t punish myself by looking that shit up. Not today, anyway.
(41) And (Noah) said: “Embark. In the name of God be its course and mooring. My Lord is surely forgiving and kind.”
Forgiving and kind?? Chhyeah. Noah must be pretty new to the whole God thing. Regardless, they’re off. Noah and his family, minus one son:
(42) It sailed on waves like mountains (high), and Noah called to his son who was separated from him: “Embark with us, O my son, and be not one of those who do not believe.”
(43) “I shall go up a mountain,” he said, “which will keep me from the water.” “There is no getting away,” said Noah, “from the decree of God today, except for those on whom be His mercy.” And a wave came between them, and he was among those who were drowned.
OK, let me see if I’ve got this straight. Your area is so flooded that water is pretty much covering the mountains. Somehow there is only one person in the entire world who has a boat — don’t ask me how that one works. This person happens to be your father, and he asks you to come on board. And you say, “No thanks! I’m gonna go find a mountain to hang out on!” Seriously? Seriously?? What. The. Fuck?
The water is already up to the mountains — God said so himself. People would be fucking trampling over one another trying to get onboard. And here God is trying to say that Noah’s son is all, “Nah, I’m cool.” Yeah fucking right. What planet is all of this happening on?
You know what? Judging by the way he reacted earlier when his ark was mocked, I’ll bet Noah flipped the bird as he steered right by his kid hanging out on a mountaintop. Ha! Told you so, you little asshole! This entire “I’ll find a mountaintop” business just reeks of a coverup.
(44) Then it was said: “O earth, swallow back your water; and, O sky, desist.” And the water subsided, and the decree was accomplished. The ark came to rest on Judi (Mount Ararat), and it was said: “Away with the cursed people!”
Again, God could he have just said, “Away with the cursed people!” to begin with and saved a whole lot of time and trouble. What’s with the ark? The flood? The gathering up of animals? What’s the fucking point? God doesn’t ‘splain any of that. Not that Noah bothers to ask. He’s got other shit on his mind:
(45) Noah called on his Lord and said: “O Lord, my son is surely a member of my family, and verily Your promise is true, as You are the most just of all judges.”
Aww, Noah’s sad because God killed his kid. Why would he do that? I mean, it doesn’t really seem very fair, right? The guy toiled away for who-knows-how-long building a boat big enough to house a bazillion animals — a boat he didn’t really need to build in the first place, since the all-powerful God could have just fixed the problem with one *poof*. But he did it anyway…and then God drowned his kid. Not cool. But God’s got a very good explanation:
(46) “O Noah”, He answered, “truly he is not of your family. He is surely the outcome of an unrighteous act. So ask Me not of what you do not know. I warn you not to be one of the ignorant.”
Oh. Em. Gee. Total Maury moment in the Quran. Can you imagine? A big, booming voice from the sky: Noah…you are NOT the father. Then the wife throws up her hands and goes, “Nnnnnnoooooooooooooo!!!!”, runs backstage and throws herself on the ground sobbing. And the audience is all, “OHHH! Skank! Slut! Bitch! OHHHHHHHH!” Or at least the audience would do that if there were more than just a handful of people who survived the flood. And, um, if most of those people weren’t related to Noah, too. I imagine the family wasn’t amused.
Anyway, there’s that nugget of new information I was so geeked about: Noah’s kid is not really Noah’s kid at all. He is the result of an unrighteous act. Noah’s wife was unfaithful, like chapter 66 says:
(66:10) God advances the example of Noah’s wife and the wife of Lot for those who do not believe. They were married to Our two pious devotees, but they were unfaithful to them, and even (the apostles) could not avail them in the least against God; and it was said to them: “Enter Hell with those (who are condemned) to enter it.”
And that’s God’s excuse of why he drowned the guy. Not because he was a particularly evil person, but because of something his mother did. Something the kid didn’t even have any control over. That makes perfect sense.
I find a couple of things interesting about this whole story. First off, God says that Mrs. Noah and Mrs. Lot are going to hell for being unfaithful to their husbands. It doesn’t say jack shit about the men they slept with. Are they going to hell, too? Who knows — the Quran is big on double standards. Lot throws his daughters to a mob to be raped and he’s a righteous, pious devotee, but a woman cheats on her husband and she’s a hellbound harlot. God is most merciful, most kind and most full of fucking shit.
How does Noah react to all of this? The news of his unfaithful wife and the paternity test results of his dead son? He reacts the way you’d expect a mindless zombie of God to behave:
(47) “Preserve me, O Lord,” said (Noah), “from asking You that of which I have no knowledge. If You do not forgive me and have mercy on me I shall be among those who perish.”
Yup. He takes everything on faith and calls it a day. And God? God goes on being a dick as usual:
(48) (And the Lord) said: “O Noah, disembark with peace and safety from Us and blessings on you and the people with you. As for some (of them), We shall bestow advantages for a time, then send a grievous punishment on them.”
Did you catch that? God plans on blessing some of the saved people for a while and then *bam!* hit ’em with some serious punishment. Why? Why not! He’s God. He does whatever he wants, whenever he wants. He doesn’t give a shit if it makes no sense. Obviously. Have you been paying attention?
(49) This is news of the Unknown We reveal to you, which neither you nor your people knew before. So endure with patience. The future is for those who keep away from evil and follow the straight path.
God ends Noah’s story by saying that it’s the first time Mo or any of his people knew before. Pretty sure the Jews and Christians knew the flood story already, but whatever. God’s memory isn’t always the best, know what I mean?
Chapter 11 also features Hūd again in verses 50-61. Nothing new here. It’s the same old story. Guy comes to people. People think he’s an asshole. God sends and earthquake or flood to smite everyone except the guy and maybe some of the guy’s family. The end. Here’s a verse that stuck out and is kind of relevent to that whole mouse thing that’s been in the news lately:
(56) I place my trust in God who is my Lord and your Lord. There is no creature that moves on the earth who is not held by the forelock firmly by Him. Verily the way of my Lord is straight.
God controls every single creature on the planet. Including those evil mice that crackhead Muhammad al-Munajid keeps blabbing on about. Nice try, but it looks like God is the asshole who controls those “corrupters.” Does that mean it’s OK to eat all of the solid food into which a mouse falls? Is it now blessed? How does that work?
Verses 61-68 cover Saleh, of she-camel fame. Again, nothing new here. Same exact story. Sort of. Check this out:
(67) The sinners were seized by a blast from heaven, and lay overturned in their homes in the morning,
Blast from heaven? Are you sure, God? Because that’s not what chapter 7 says:
(7:78) Then they were seized by an earthquake, and lay overturned on the ground in their homes in the morning.
Oh em effing gee, a contradiciton in the Quran. Yeah. I’m so jaded at this point that when I find shit like this, I don’t even raise an eyebrow anymore. I sigh and write it down in my notebook. I don’t even write down contradiction anymore. I just write ctdn. You see a couple-dozen and the thrill is pretty much gone.
Here’s another verse that I made a note about, for no real reason other than it made me giggle:
(64) O my people, this she-camel of God is a token for you. So leave her alone to graze on God’s earth, and do not molest her, otherwise the swiftest punishment would befall you.”
Teehee. Don’t molest the camel, ya’ll. Or else. Camel molesters get punished ’round these parts. No camolesters in God’s kingdom. Nope. None a’tall. Thanks for the lolz, Ahmed Ali. Someone should seriously have warned you about that one.
Next up is Shu’aib in verses 84-95. Nothing new here either. Same exact story as all of the other guys we’ve seen so far. I was kind of amused by this bit, though:
(87) They said: “O Shu’aib, does your piety teach that we should abandon what our fathers worshipped, or desist from doing what we like with our goods? How gracious a man of discernment you are indeed!”
Doesn’t that totally describe religious people in general? They worship whatever their parents worshiped, no questions asked. (And before some Evangelitard chimes in with “But my daddy was a Catholic and my momma was a Methodist, and I’m born again blahblahblah,” I’ll just go ahead and say sheddup. You still worship the same God and act like it’s some big fucking deal that you joined a church your parents don’t like. Same thing. Different name. Sheddup. Don’t email me about this one either, thanks.)
And, finally, verses 96-109 are all about our buddy, Moses. We’ve heard his story a lot because it lends an air of legitimacy to Mohammed’s book. Or at least it did to the people who lived in his region back in the day. See, we’ve got some of your guys in this thing, too!
The money verse in Moses’ story is this:
102. Such is the punishment of your Lord when He seizes human settlements in the acts of wickedness. Surely His hold is grievous and terrible.
God says that he punishes wicked settlements. Right. Here’s the thing: the jihadis are right. The U.S. is one wicked, sinful nation. Before you get your panties in a bunch over that statement, let me explain. Everything is wicked and sinful by the Quran’s standards. And the U.S. is awesomely sinful. We’re a pork-eating, beer-chugging, sex-having nation. And guess what? We’re still here. You name a Quranic law and chances are we break it every single day. Proudly. And we’re still here. It’s been 1400 years since this book came out talking about sinful nations being destroyed by God. And the world just keeps on moving the way it always has. Hey God — we’re still fucking here. The question, I guess, is where are you?
To me, it’s glaringly obvious that ol’ Mohammed is projecting his own screwy relationship with the local non-converts. Listen to me or else my invisible friend is going to fuck you up. Substitute Mohammed for Noah, Saleh, Abraham — any of those guys — and it’s the same damn story. The moral of the story is always the same: the people wouldn’t listen, so God destroyed them. It happens over and over and over. And God doesn’t think for a minute that maybe he should switch to a new tactic since his plan is obviously not working. If God was at all smart, he would have a Plan B. But no. He just keeps hitting the reset button and letting everything go down the toilet again. So God is either not very smart or he’s just not there. Take your pick.
That’s all I have for this segment. Coming up next: WTF moments from chapter 11. Whoo! Fun times. Stay tuned!