We read the Quran so you don’t have to.

10: Jonah (Part III — A random assortment of verses.)

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This is it.  The last post on chapter 10.  Are you pumped?  Are you geeked??  Yeah, me neither.  But lets jump right in anyway, ok?  Here’s a verse you’re probably familiar with — maybe a little too familiar with, since it comes up in every other fucking chapter:

(13) How many generations did We lay low before you when they became wilfully unjust.

Hell, I dunno, God.  I wasn’t there.  Why don’t you tell me?

…he doesn’t.  He does what he always does — names a couple of the same ol’ prophets and the same ol’ people and rounds it off with a very generic “and lots more where that came from.”  It’s hard to get a straight answer out of the guy.  So how many generations did God lay low before Mohammed’ people?  Probably none, since he doesn’t exist.

Their apostles had brought clear proofs to them, yet they never believed. So We punished the sinful people.

Earthquakes, floods, she-camels, yada yada yada.  I read all of that in other chapters, and honestly, I’m not the least bit impressed.  The story is always the fucking same.  The people (no details given) were sinful (no details given) so God sends an earthquake and / or flood to wipe them all out (no details given).  Then he replaces them with newer, better, Muslimer people (no details given).  And I’m totally not kidding about the no details given thing.  Most of the civilizations were killed off by floods and earthquakes but several others were killed.  …that’s it.  Just killed. No details given.

It’s funny how the Christian nuts use the same stupid Wrath of God shit when a natural disaster occurs today.  Flooding in New Orleans?  God was trying to drown those fags!  Er…the faggy French Quarter didn’t get drowned, you say?  Well it was just a test run.  God wanted to show the fags what he could do if he wanted — that’s why he destroyed all those houses and killed all those innocent men, women and children.  Yeah.  God’s testing the fags.  That’s the ticket.

You would think that understanding how and why natural disasters happen would take away some of the woo woo mystery bullshit.  But no.  Wrath of God.  Always and forever.  It’s a wonder these jackasses don’t start worshiping meteorologists.  They kind of have a better track record for predictions than God.  Plus they’re not limited to floods and fucking earthquakes.  They also do snow storms, hail and heat waves.  And that’s just for starters.

(18) They worship those besides God who cannot do them harm or bring them gain, and say: “These are our intercessors with God.” Say: “Do you want to inform God of things in the heavens and the earth He does not know?” Glorious is He, and too exalted for what they associate with Him!

Who cannot do them harm or bring them gain? Shit, that sounds like God himself!

Also, seriously, what’s with the jealousy over idols?  If you’ve been following the news lately, you’ll probably have heard this already:  they found another giant Buddha statue in Afghanistan.  Remember way back in 2001 when the Taliban blew up the two giant Buddhas?  For some stupid reason, God just let them sit around for-fucking-ever until the Taliban stumbled across them.

I totally don’t get that.  Why does all-mighty God have to rely on his earthly cronies to do it for him?  Why couldn’t he just *poof* make all idols everywhere crumble to dust?  Then maybe I wouldn’t have to sit through verse after verse of him whining about how stupid people worship stone idols that don’t do a fucking thing.  And how they should instead worship an invisible idol who, um, also doesn’t do a fucking thing.

This latest statue they’ve found, by the way — God didn’t even let those art-hating assholes near it.  I wonder how that fits in with his master plan for demolishing idols.

(19) Men were once a community of one faith; but they differed (and followed different ways). Had it not been for the word proclaimed by your Lord before, their differences would have been resolved.

The hell?  God is saying that all men shared one religion before then they split up into factions.  Uh, OK.  I’ll humor him.  If you want to consider generic polytheism the one religion they all shared, then sure — people kinda were one community of faith.  I don’t think this is what God had in mind when he wrote that verse.  But then he didn’t exactly provide any evidence that man went from having one common god to having many local gods.  In fact, he provided plenty of evidence that contradicts that sentiment and shows that men started out with many local gods and eventually whittled them down to one.  So what the fuck is God going on about?

(47) For every people there is an apostle; and when their apostle is come the matter is decided between them equitably, and no one is wronged.

Every people had an apostle?  OK then.  Who was the apostle for, say, the Cherokees and Iroquois?  And the indigenous Australians?  And Inuits?  And the Ibo in Africa?  If they ever had one, it’s news to them!

Also, it seems pretty fucking stupid to stop sending messengers after Mohammed. I mean, plenty of people have come and gone since 600 CE.  It seems kind of unfair to not send them an apostle.  But then again, this is God we’re talking about.  He doesn’t play fair and he loves setting people up for a great big fall into hell.  So…yeah.

(68) They say: “God has begotten a son.” Immaculate is He and self-sufficient.” Whatsoever is in the heavens and the earth belongs to Him. You have no proof for this (assertion): Why do you say things of God you do not know?

Oh. Em.  Gee.  Get this shit:  God has the gall to accuse Christians of having no proof for their claims.  Oh, the sweet, delicious irony of that statement.  No proof.  That’s rich!  There are moments when I want to claw my eyes out from the sheer frustration of reading this stupid fucking book, and then I read something like this.  Annnd then two seconds later we’re back in Snoresville as God rehashes the story of Moses and Pharaoh for what feels like the 2,384,093th time:

(75) Then after them We sent Moses and Aaron with Our signs to the Pharaoh and his nobles; but they behaved arrogantly, for they were a people full of guilt.

Nothing new there.  Pharaoh and his peeps are jerks.  Moses and Aaron are a-OK.  Here’s something new though:

(88) And Moses said: “O Lord, have You bestowed on the Pharaoh and his nobles pomp and plenty in the life of this world that they might mislead people from Your path? Destroy their possessions, O Lord, and harden their hearts that they may not believe until they face the painful punishment.”

Moses actually bitches at God for giving Pharaoh lots of worldly possessions and he prays for God to destroy Pharaoh’s stuff!  And not just that — Moses asks God specifically not to let Pharaoh believe him.  Just so he can be punished.  Painfully.  What the fuck kind of jealous ass prophet is that?  But wait.  It gets better.  Because — get this shit — God actually answers Moses’ prayers!  No joke:

(89) Said (the Lord): “Your prayer is answered. Therefore persist and do not follow the path of those who are ignorant.”

OK, I thought Moses was a douchebag, but God just majorly one-upped him.  He is officially king of all doucebags (most douchey, all-douching).  God actually tells Moses that he will destroy Pharaoh’s possessions.  But then he kinda doesn’t, considering the number of Pyramids still standing pretty in Egypt.  So God is a liar.  And an asshole because he basically sets Pharaoh up to fail from the get-go.  He puts a seal on Pharaoh’s heart so he won’t believe Moses, and later drowns him for not believing.  Or doesn’t drown him later, depending on which verse we’re talking about.  Who can keep this shit straight?

The best part of the whole thing is that screwing Pharaoh is supposed to be some kind of grand lesson for Moses, even though Moses already drank the Kool-Aid.  He already believes — he’s praying to God, isn’t he?  So what’s the point of this whole exercise?  God takes away Pharaoh’s stuff and drowns him just so Moses can feel good about himself?  The fuck??  I would say “only in this book,” but then the whole self-appeasing sacrifice of Jesus is just as retarded.

And finally, I’m going to end with my absolute favorite verse in chapter 10:

(100) Are you going to compel the people to believe except by God’s dispensation? He puts doubt in (the minds of) those who do not think.

Hey Muslims, read and reread that verse.  And then put it into practice.  God put doubt in my mind — who the fuck are you to try to argue with me?  You’re merely going against God’s will.  Thanks and buh-bye.

Next up:  chapter 11.  Exactly like chapter 10, only more ones!  Whoo!


Written by kafirgirl

September 22, 2008 at 11:10 pm

Posted in Quran

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36 Responses

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  1. Great writeup, and you ended it on the perfect note: God set a seal on our hearts, yeah, so trying to convert us is going against God: can’t wait to use.

    We heard about Mo & the Pharoahs back in ch7, so I made a side by side comparison of the two accounts.
    Ch 7: Moses threw down his staff and it swallowed the magicians spells—but in Ch10 the spells stayed there wiggling around (or whatever spells do) while Mo just stood there saying “God’ll show you!”
    Ch7: has a long story of how the magicians were all converted and were ready to die for Moses, yada yada…Ch10 only a few scared kids believed Moses.
    Ch7: all the Egyptians drowned. Ch10 The Pharoah pursued them to the point of drowning, then he converted to Moses’ religion!

    It’s the straight talk express!


    September 23, 2008 at 2:29 am

  2. I hope we can kind of stay on topic and bisect the book more. You discussed v19, which i also had marked; my notes ask “what exactly was the word proclaimed by God that made everyone have different religions?” And why couldn’t he just keep his fucking mouth shut?


    September 23, 2008 at 2:40 am

  3. 93. We gave the people of Israel a settled abode, and bestowed good things on them to eat and use. So they did not differ until they came to have knowledge. Your Lord will assuredly settle their differences on the Day of Resurrection.

    This verse is a gold mine. (1)God says Israel belongs to the Jews, so that settles the Palestinian question once and for all. (2)Then it says all our differences are due to having knowledge (remember that Tree in the Garden) so getting an education is obviously out. (3)The only question is why god doesn’t want to settle differences now instead of waiting.


    September 23, 2008 at 2:58 am

  4. You have confirmed my suspicions, God is omnidouchiant.

    “Are you going to compel the people to believe except by God’s dispensation? He puts doubt in (the minds of) those who do not think.”
    That is really confusing, I thought doubt appeared in minds that did think. So the message here is belief=thinking.


    September 23, 2008 at 4:56 am

  5. Watercat, I’m glad you brought this up. We talked a little bit about the Moses stories and how they differ, but I can’t remember which post. They all run together, eeps! Anyway, before I said Pharaoh was drowned in chapter 10. Now I’m not so sure about the conversion. See:

    90. And We brought the people of Israel across the sea, but the Pharaoh and his army pursued them wickedly and maliciously till he was on the point of drowning, and he said: “I believe that there is no god but He in whom the people of Israel believe, and I submit to Him.”

    God is wicked and malicious. he says so himself! Anyway, there’s Pharaoh’s conversion to Islam, which has never happened in the other versions.

    ETA: Watercat pointed out that I read the verse WAY wrong. God isn’t saying he is wicked and malicious. He’s saying Pharaoh is wicked and malicious. Duh! And also doh! I thought God had outed himself for sure. Moral of the story: Don’t skim the Quran. There’s just too fucking much going on.

    91. “Yes, now” (was the answer), “though before this you were disobedient and rebellious.

    So God accepts.

    92. We shall preserve your body today that you may be a lesson for those who come after you; as many a man is heedless of Our signs.”

    The official Muslim explanation for this is that God literally preserved the body of Pharaoh. Like mummified it — that way people would forever know what happens to a man who tries to take on God. And I hate to say it, but I can kinda see where they’re coming from in that one. For all his talk of mercy and compassion, God doesn’t really let many people off the hook. This seems much more his (wicked, malicious) style.

    So that’s why I didn’t even bring it up. I’m glad you did, though. It just goes to show even MORE doubt and involution in this book. Shocking!!

    On verse 19 — again with the wickedness and maliciousness. People were worshiping God just fine until he made them stop! No explanation why. Maybe he was bored and wanted to stir the shit a little?

    And verse 93 — great catch. Looks like God really did give Israel to the Jews. Sorry Palestinians. It’s funny, the “came to have knowledge” stuff shows up a lot in this book. Bad things happen when you learn. It’s almost like God doesn’t WANT people to use their brains. So, uh, why give em to us? What’s the point? Why not make little drones? So much of Islam seems to be based around denying basic human needs, desires and behaviors. Even thinking is outlawed.

    Oz, yup. Exactly right. This verse really makes no sense. It’s saying that people who don’t think have doubt put in their heads. And nobody better try to convert ’em. But at the same time, the book says that instead of thinking and asking questions about the book, you should just go ask someone in charge. How is THAT thinking? It’s like topsy turvy world, this book.


    September 23, 2008 at 8:02 am

  6. ” The people (no details given) were sinful (no details given) so God sends an earthquake and / or flood to wipe them all out (no details given). Then he replaces them with newer, better, Muslimer people (no details given).”

    It’s almost like God was playing a cosmic MMORPG, having to redo the same quest over and over to get rare quest artifact.


    September 23, 2008 at 9:08 am

  7. I think Joseph Smith was the apostle (read: crackpot) sent to the new world. . . .which would screw the native americans about as much as anybody else

    also the seal on my heart has a ball and wants to know if anyone else’s seal wants to play


    September 23, 2008 at 9:14 am

  8. Verse 19 sounds like the tower of babel story found in Genesis 11:1-9. There is a running theme in the Torah of god protecting his power by keeping men from becoming like god.


    September 23, 2008 at 11:03 am

  9. Whoo, yet another Egypt-bashing. Wonder why that is? Because of the undeniable achievements of the Egyptians?

    In that other book, in Genesis Ch12, the old scumbag “plagued Pharaoh and his house with great plagues” because the Pharaoh believed and acted upon a lie of Abram. Meir Shalev in his book Bible Now names ole ‘Bram a pimp, which is indeed more appropriate than patriarch.

    BTW: nice improved lay-out.


    September 23, 2008 at 3:19 pm

  10. Mohammed had a hard-on for Moses & the Egyptians, no question. That story is told in the book 18 times by my count–I keep reading 39, but find that hard to believe. His next most favorite is Noah’s Ark, that he tells 8 times. He likes stories where god kills people–they served his purpose.

    @gad; Yer right; v19 does sound like Babel.


    September 23, 2008 at 5:48 pm

  11. ISLAM Bumper Sticker
    My way or the Highway (to hell) – Allah.


    September 23, 2008 at 7:58 pm

  12. This ill will of Moses reminds me of a joke i heard long ago.

    Three black men walking in the desert find a lamp and all three of them dive at it and rub it at the same time. A genie appears and states that since they rubbed simultaneously and he is pressed for time and weakened after being in a lamp for a long time, he will grant one wish each instead of the usual three for one.

    The first man asks the genie to make him a white man. Poof! he is made white and he celebrates hugging one of the other men. The one he didn’t hug starts laughing. The second man, amazed at this, asks for the same and -Poof!- he is also white. Both rookie whites hug each other and jump for joy. The last remaining black man laughs uncontrollably. The genie asks him what his wish is. His response?

    He points at the newly minted whites and says: I WISH THEY WERE BLACK AGAIN!!!

    Don’t just hate on a playa, shit in their oatmeal! Just like Moses, baby, YEAH!!


    September 23, 2008 at 11:00 pm

  13. 90. And We brought the people of Israel across the sea, but the Pharaoh and his army pursued them wickedly and maliciously till he was on the point of drowning,…

    God is wicked and malicious. he says so himself!

    Wait…what? It says the Pharaoh was wicked and malicious.


    September 24, 2008 at 1:22 am

  14. Doh! You’re right, watercat. I have no idea why I read that as We pursued them wickedly and maliciously. I thought I had the fucker pinned. I’ll fix ‘er.


    September 24, 2008 at 7:47 am

  15. Rob, that’s exactly what it’s like. And apparently he had 124,000 do-overs since that’s how many prophets he had to send down. And he only kinda hit the jackpot with one of them. One out of 124k? I’d say that’s a fail. Bigtime.

    atheistintx, aha good point. Joseph Smith. I’ve read in a couple of places that his book was heavily influenced by the Quran (and obviously the Bible). Anyone know if that’s true? Or just an easy way to explain the polygamy? They do it, so he must’ve gotten it from them, etc.

    GAD, I’m seriously confusing the Tower of Babel with Joseph’s ladder so my head is spinning. Le sigh. I’ll have to look up the ToB when I get a chance.

    DutchA, so Abraham lied even though he was a man of God. And then, when Pharaoh acted on that lie, God punished him?? Shouldn’t he be chewing out Abraham instead? P.S. I didn’t change the layout one bit. It updated itself somehow. Crazy!

    Rahul — sell that shit. I’d buy. If I had a car.

    Priest, why stop at shitting in their oatmeal? Moses sticks around and watches Pharaoh go up in flames (or, um, down in water) knowing full well that the whole game is rigged. What an asshole.


    September 24, 2008 at 8:00 am

  16. Joe smith’s line was that the lost tribes of israel actually sailed over to the united states, built a huge civilization–with stone buildings, metal tools, etc–jesus dropped in for a visit after his resurrection to give them the true faith. His book outlines centuries of warfare ending in the total annihilation of the non-believers by the righteous tribe, who then became the native americans. and no, I am not shitting you.


    September 24, 2008 at 11:35 am

  17. I guess I dint answer your question,huh? sorry. All the time I ‘was’ a mormon I never heard anything about the koran. I’d be surprised if Joe S. knew anything about it. Moslims, y’unnerstand, are damned. He cribbed shamelessly from the bible, basically extending the KJV to cover his USA fantasies. And, lol, the golden plates god showed him were written in “Reformed Egyptian”, which doesn’t exist; he translated them by looking thru a magic rock.


    September 24, 2008 at 11:45 am

  18. Jacobs ladder was a dream.


    The tower of babel is where god stopped men from working together because they might get strong enough to challenge god.


    Side note: remember in the garden that A&E got kicked out not for eating the fruit but because they might eat the fruit of the tree of life and become immortal and challenge god.


    September 24, 2008 at 11:52 am

  19. Double you. Tee. Eff. People actually believe that stuff? I’m asking about both the Mormon stuff and the Babel stuff. Wow. Just wow.


    September 24, 2008 at 12:32 pm

  20. It is religion [magic] after all, nothing should be surprising, except that billions of people live and die/kill by it….. :)

    Man, I must be getting old.

    1. double-you-tee-eff. The pronounciation of the acronym wtf. … 2. double-you-tee-eff. pronunciation of the internet slang “wtf” meaning “what the fuck”


    September 24, 2008 at 12:49 pm

  21. Yo, I guess you haven’t seen the Nation of Islam. White people were created 6000 years ago in genetic experiments by a mad scientist on the island of Patmos. The Holy Quran (Surah 49:13-15) throws a great light on the truth of the creation of this pale, white race of devils. –Elijah Muhammed. Here’s the whole story:


    September 24, 2008 at 12:59 pm

  22. KG, you say you didn’t change the lay-out. Auto-update! Great! I feel a compelling urge to paraphrase that loonie Harun Yahya:

    There are more than 100 species of blogs in the order Webpages. That they have undergone any change sometimes even in a matter of days – without intervention by webmasters – once again reveals the validity of the theory of evolution.


    September 24, 2008 at 2:33 pm

  23. It’s worse than I thought. al-BBC’s message board moderators are not only removing hyperlinks to kafirgirl, it is removing the ‘kafirgiel.wordpress.com’ text as well – so that not only are readers unable to click a link – they are unable to be made aware of this website. It’s like they want to brush the existence of this site away.

    Geez, how cool is that? – it seems this website is making the UK Muslims quake!

    On the other hand, it makes me wanna puke. What is this, bloody China?

    Muslims are free to state that it’s ok to persecute homosexuals and it’s OK that husbands can beat their wives – cause they’re sanctioned by the koran. But tell people about a link where the koran is freely discussed and you’re committing a message board crime!!


    September 24, 2008 at 3:15 pm

  24. Meh. BBC mods can go fuck themselves. Whoever is posting links at the BBC pages, please stop. I think it’s just a case of barking up the wrong tree. And in this case, the wrong, unreasonable, irrational, batshitass crazy tree.


    September 24, 2008 at 4:21 pm

  25. It was Kics who posted the links to the BBC, not me, cos i know what they’re like and so wouldn’t even be bothered with them


    September 24, 2008 at 4:55 pm

  26. Kics, why post on the BBC message board anyhow, i don’t get it, it’s the last place to go


    September 24, 2008 at 4:56 pm

  27. Why post on the BBC message board anyhow? I get a sense that there are a lot of good people doing nothing in the UK – good people are too busy worrying about where their next holiday is and whoops, we now have Sharia courts, where did they come from? So, I try and do my little bit to eat away at the elephant task before us.

    I’m outraged that the BBC is actually promoting Islam. Are you aware that they use ‘peace be upon him’ after writing Mohamed on their Islam info site? They don’t do followers of other religions an equal favour and write ‘Jesus (the son of god)’, or ‘Buddha (the enlightened one)’. Oh no. It seems Islam gets preferential treatment.

    Is it not the case that the BBC has a certain world-wide credibility? I believe it is quite popular as an English language source in the Middle East. Hmmm, maybe that’s why they don’t want to put free-thinking ideas into Islamic heads?

    By banning reference to kafirgirl they are of course actually belittling Muslims in that they reckon Muslims are incapable of reading kafirgirl, considering the content, and coming away without being mentally damaged. There’s a reason why they call it ‘Auntie’ BBC!

    I don’t consider it barking up the wrong tree – the BBC is perhaps one of many trees that the Islamic movement is using to legitimize itself as a viable moral alternative of conducting a society. That the BBC has up until this moment capitulated is deeply regrettable – but largely a reflection of government pusillanimous policy. I think we need to bark where ever we can. Kafirgirl is a service to English-speaking Muslims and especially children of Muslim parents giving them access to a non-sycophantic analysis of the Koran in a language they understand. Let them see all angles and have a think!


    September 24, 2008 at 6:20 pm

  28. Er, kics, maybe u could have asked Kafir Girl first, u know…….


    September 24, 2008 at 7:55 pm

  29. KafirGirl

    You should alert PZ Myers and the Richard Dawkins website about the BBC’s craven attitude. That might put the cat among the canaries. Boo BBC.


    September 24, 2008 at 8:02 pm

  30. Boo BBC indeed. Kics, the more I thought about it, the angrier I got. Is this a ban on just my site? Or other sites as well?


    September 24, 2008 at 8:22 pm

  31. No,it’s obviously not just against ure site, it’s same reason i got asked to leave the Socialist Workers Party and got banned from “Feministe” site, it’s the white middle class left trying to use Muslims for votes while wallowing in their own white guilt.
    I have defined the correct path in all issues regarding race, this is the feminist progressive perspective, not the bourgeois mysogynist left stance;The kind of leftists who can support Islamic fascists just because they aren’t obviously fascist in the traditonal european sense.
    This is why u can not seperate anti Islamism from feminism and progressive ideas of all kinds, if u do, u are just driving the white left and the Islamists closer together while allowing Nazism to thrive unchecked.
    This is exactly what is happening in the UK and why BBC will never listen to apostates.


    September 24, 2008 at 9:26 pm

  32. Yes, i got banned from “Feministe,” also thrown out the SWP and the Labor Party and the reason?
    Me comments on Arabs was WILLFULLY taken out of context, this is what i told in Arabi- it got translated without me permissions, and i was accused on all 3 occasions of being a Pakistani chauvanist and someone who believes in Pakistani supremacy.
    This is how i was treated. BBC is rubbish in all ways.


    September 24, 2008 at 9:29 pm

  33. For the record i am not a racist, but i am a Pakistani secular nationalist and i supported General Musharaf right until the end. I support Muhajirs and all Pakistanis struggling for freedom, now is that bad?


    September 24, 2008 at 9:31 pm

  34. Kics, for all their stuff, it doesn’t help the BBC much, two of their correspondents was gunned down in Riyadh a while back, one died in the street and the other is still in a wheel chair. You would never get SKY or Fox pulling this BBC appeasement crap. PBUH on their web site, huh, fuck that noise.


    September 24, 2008 at 9:34 pm

  35. I had to look up what PBUH meant, I thought you may be willing a pox on the BBC. What is the origin of the “peace be upon him” after mentioning the mighty Mo? What about “pox be upon him”? Is has a ring about it.


    September 24, 2008 at 10:01 pm

  36. Boo BBC indeed. Kics, the more I thought about it, the angrier I got. Is this a ban on just my site? Or other sites as well?

    I have not done a comprehensive investigation of all posts so I cannot categorically say it is just your site that is banned. However, links to other ‘pro’-Islamic sites are allowed – and these are quite likely to affirm koranic messages like the allowance of beating wives and killing homosexuals and apostates.

    The BBC will allow links to numerous standard Muslim sites. And on those sites we find a number of the Koranic messages which are abhorrent, yet because they are from the Koran – one of the ‘great’ religions – they are somehow legitimate, somehow acceptable. Yet, your site which funndamentally disgaress with those sorts of abhorrent messages is banned. It’s a disgrace and in particular a great disservice and loss to inquisitive children of Muslim parents. The BBC are propping up the entrenched intolerance of the Islamic establishment at the expense of the vulnerable children. It’s wrong, wrong, wrong.


    September 25, 2008 at 6:33 am

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