10: Jonah (Part III — A random assortment of verses.)
This is it. The last post on chapter 10. Are you pumped? Are you geeked?? Yeah, me neither. But lets jump right in anyway, ok? Here’s a verse you’re probably familiar with — maybe a little too familiar with, since it comes up in every other fucking chapter:
(13) How many generations did We lay low before you when they became wilfully unjust.
Hell, I dunno, God. I wasn’t there. Why don’t you tell me?
…he doesn’t. He does what he always does — names a couple of the same ol’ prophets and the same ol’ people and rounds it off with a very generic “and lots more where that came from.” It’s hard to get a straight answer out of the guy. So how many generations did God lay low before Mohammed’ people? Probably none, since he doesn’t exist.
Their apostles had brought clear proofs to them, yet they never believed. So We punished the sinful people.
Earthquakes, floods, she-camels, yada yada yada. I read all of that in other chapters, and honestly, I’m not the least bit impressed. The story is always the fucking same. The people (no details given) were sinful (no details given) so God sends an earthquake and / or flood to wipe them all out (no details given). Then he replaces them with newer, better, Muslimer people (no details given). And I’m totally not kidding about the no details given thing. Most of the civilizations were killed off by floods and earthquakes but several others were killed. …that’s it. Just killed. No details given.
It’s funny how the Christian nuts use the same stupid Wrath of God shit when a natural disaster occurs today. Flooding in New Orleans? God was trying to drown those fags! Er…the faggy French Quarter didn’t get drowned, you say? Well it was just a test run. God wanted to show the fags what he could do if he wanted — that’s why he destroyed all those houses and killed all those innocent men, women and children. Yeah. God’s testing the fags. That’s the ticket.
You would think that understanding how and why natural disasters happen would take away some of the woo woo mystery bullshit. But no. Wrath of God. Always and forever. It’s a wonder these jackasses don’t start worshiping meteorologists. They kind of have a better track record for predictions than God. Plus they’re not limited to floods and fucking earthquakes. They also do snow storms, hail and heat waves. And that’s just for starters.
(18) They worship those besides God who cannot do them harm or bring them gain, and say: “These are our intercessors with God.” Say: “Do you want to inform God of things in the heavens and the earth He does not know?” Glorious is He, and too exalted for what they associate with Him!
Who cannot do them harm or bring them gain? Shit, that sounds like God himself!
Also, seriously, what’s with the jealousy over idols? If you’ve been following the news lately, you’ll probably have heard this already: they found another giant Buddha statue in Afghanistan. Remember way back in 2001 when the Taliban blew up the two giant Buddhas? For some stupid reason, God just let them sit around for-fucking-ever until the Taliban stumbled across them.
I totally don’t get that. Why does all-mighty God have to rely on his earthly cronies to do it for him? Why couldn’t he just *poof* make all idols everywhere crumble to dust? Then maybe I wouldn’t have to sit through verse after verse of him whining about how stupid people worship stone idols that don’t do a fucking thing. And how they should instead worship an invisible idol who, um, also doesn’t do a fucking thing.
This latest statue they’ve found, by the way — God didn’t even let those art-hating assholes near it. I wonder how that fits in with his master plan for demolishing idols.
(19) Men were once a community of one faith; but they differed (and followed different ways). Had it not been for the word proclaimed by your Lord before, their differences would have been resolved.
The hell? God is saying that all men shared one religion before then they split up into factions. Uh, OK. I’ll humor him. If you want to consider generic polytheism the one religion they all shared, then sure — people kinda were one community of faith. I don’t think this is what God had in mind when he wrote that verse. But then he didn’t exactly provide any evidence that man went from having one common god to having many local gods. In fact, he provided plenty of evidence that contradicts that sentiment and shows that men started out with many local gods and eventually whittled them down to one. So what the fuck is God going on about?
(47) For every people there is an apostle; and when their apostle is come the matter is decided between them equitably, and no one is wronged.
Every people had an apostle? OK then. Who was the apostle for, say, the Cherokees and Iroquois? And the indigenous Australians? And Inuits? And the Ibo in Africa? If they ever had one, it’s news to them!
Also, it seems pretty fucking stupid to stop sending messengers after Mohammed. I mean, plenty of people have come and gone since 600 CE. It seems kind of unfair to not send them an apostle. But then again, this is God we’re talking about. He doesn’t play fair and he loves setting people up for a great big fall into hell. So…yeah.
(68) They say: “God has begotten a son.” Immaculate is He and self-sufficient.” Whatsoever is in the heavens and the earth belongs to Him. You have no proof for this (assertion): Why do you say things of God you do not know?
Oh. Em. Gee. Get this shit: God has the gall to accuse Christians of having no proof for their claims. Oh, the sweet, delicious irony of that statement. No proof. That’s rich! There are moments when I want to claw my eyes out from the sheer frustration of reading this stupid fucking book, and then I read something like this. Annnd then two seconds later we’re back in Snoresville as God rehashes the story of Moses and Pharaoh for what feels like the 2,384,093th time:
(75) Then after them We sent Moses and Aaron with Our signs to the Pharaoh and his nobles; but they behaved arrogantly, for they were a people full of guilt.
Nothing new there. Pharaoh and his peeps are jerks. Moses and Aaron are a-OK. Here’s something new though:
(88) And Moses said: “O Lord, have You bestowed on the Pharaoh and his nobles pomp and plenty in the life of this world that they might mislead people from Your path? Destroy their possessions, O Lord, and harden their hearts that they may not believe until they face the painful punishment.”
Moses actually bitches at God for giving Pharaoh lots of worldly possessions and he prays for God to destroy Pharaoh’s stuff! And not just that — Moses asks God specifically not to let Pharaoh believe him. Just so he can be punished. Painfully. What the fuck kind of jealous ass prophet is that? But wait. It gets better. Because — get this shit — God actually answers Moses’ prayers! No joke:
(89) Said (the Lord): “Your prayer is answered. Therefore persist and do not follow the path of those who are ignorant.”
OK, I thought Moses was a douchebag, but God just majorly one-upped him. He is officially king of all doucebags (most douchey, all-douching). God actually tells Moses that he will destroy Pharaoh’s possessions. But then he kinda doesn’t, considering the number of Pyramids still standing pretty in Egypt. So God is a liar. And an asshole because he basically sets Pharaoh up to fail from the get-go. He puts a seal on Pharaoh’s heart so he won’t believe Moses, and later drowns him for not believing. Or doesn’t drown him later, depending on which verse we’re talking about. Who can keep this shit straight?
The best part of the whole thing is that screwing Pharaoh is supposed to be some kind of grand lesson for Moses, even though Moses already drank the Kool-Aid. He already believes — he’s praying to God, isn’t he? So what’s the point of this whole exercise? God takes away Pharaoh’s stuff and drowns him just so Moses can feel good about himself? The fuck?? I would say “only in this book,” but then the whole self-appeasing sacrifice of Jesus is just as retarded.
And finally, I’m going to end with my absolute favorite verse in chapter 10:
(100) Are you going to compel the people to believe except by God’s dispensation? He puts doubt in (the minds of) those who do not think.
Hey Muslims, read and reread that verse. And then put it into practice. God put doubt in my mind — who the fuck are you to try to argue with me? You’re merely going against God’s will. Thanks and buh-bye.
Next up: chapter 11. Exactly like chapter 10, only more ones! Whoo!