We read the Quran so you don’t have to.

LOLMuslim Friday plus stupid hadith.

with 49 comments

Digg del.icio.us StumbleUpon Reddit

Thank Google it’s Friday!

Some links I thought ya’ll might enjoy:

  • The Atheist Jew wrote about the historicity of Mohammed.  He includes a video that brings up a lot of good questions and makes you go “The fuck??” a lot.  Or maybe that’s just me.  Go read!
  • Oz emailed me a fantastic article about Islamic science from the New Statesmen.  The illustration alone makes it worth a visit.  And the comments below the article will absolutely kill you.
  • I somehow managed to skip over this one till yesterday:  Pat Condell on Islamophobia“Reason to religion is like sunlight to a vampire.” Classic.
  • Have you joined Atheist Nexus yet? No? Why the hell not? It’s like Myspace for godless heathens. Join, damnit, and add me after you do. Who knows — I might live near you and we might run into each other at a meetup. And then you’ll see that I’m not really an angry Jew or something and we’ll high five.  Or, at the very least, you can hook up with some nice, like-minded individuals in your area. That works, too.

Check it out.  A4atheist is rocking his Kafir Boy shirt:

P.S. The white dog is named JK Howling.  That’s so fucking cute it makes my face hurt.

In other news, I was digging through some hadith to find one about jizyah when I came across some that can only be described as awesomely stupid.  Check em out:

Volume 4, Book 54, Number 506:
Narrated Abu Huraira:
The Prophet said, “When any human being is born. Satan touches him at both sides of the body with his two fingers, except Jesus, the son of Mary, whom Satan tried to touch but failed, for he touched the placenta-cover instead.”

Placenta cover.  You can’t make this shit up.  But wait, there’s more!

Volume 4, Book 54, Number 527:
Narrated ‘Aisha:
The Prophet said, “Kill the snake with two white lines on its back, for it blinds the on-looker and causes abortion.”

Think of all those wasted coat hangers!  Whoo!  Too much??  Never!  And one more:

Volume 4, Book 54, Number 416:
Narrated Abu Huraira:
Allah’s Apostle said, “When Allah completed the creation, He wrote in His Book which is with Him on His Throne, “My Mercy overpowers My Anger.”

Oh.  Em.  Gee.  God has a diary!  Can’t you just picture it?  God in his four-poster bed up in heaven, lying on his stomach, swinging his feet.

Dear Diary,

I am very mad at Iblis because he did not listen to me even though everyone else did.  I want to smite him so bad, but I will not do it.  My mercy overpowers my anger.  He is stupid anyways and I already have a new BFF.  It’s Adam. Diary, I’m scared that someone is going to find you and read all of my secrets so I will hide you under the kushen cushun seat of my throne.


I realize it’s talking about the official Quran up in heaven, but I like my version of the story better.  P.S. It’s So fucking Annoying when religious types Go Crazy with the Caps lock.  Read that last hadith again and you’ll see what I mean.

The next post is coming up soon.  But not too soon — Friday is the kafir day of laziness, remember?  Enjoy it!


Written by kafirgirl

August 29, 2008 at 7:54 am

Posted in Friday, review

Tagged with

49 Responses

Subscribe to comments with RSS.

  1. Pffft…Iblis was hypocritically punished for staying true to Allah’s directive to worship only God.

    Once again a major religion manages to present such a confused message that Satan ends up seemingly the good guy.

    Quentin George

    August 29, 2008 at 8:03 am

  2. From that New Statesman article’s comment section:

    I think we are going to reprint whole of Quran here. Except fro a few faithful, I don’t think anybody is reading. It is like in the mosques, long monologues, singing the superiority. Signifying nothing.

    I admit it, I laughed my way through the comments until I came to that one. Then I felt kind of bad. It does seem like nobody’s reading except Muslim drones. I’m amused by their “cut-and-paste culture” — when religious folks don’t have brains enough to make an argument on their own so they’ll just copy-and-paste some religious rhetoric from their favorite site. But that comment made me sad.

    If you read the article and you have something to say about it — good or bad — please leave it in their comments section rather than here. They could use a little braincell power.


    August 29, 2008 at 8:45 am

  3. Allah’s Apostle said, “When Allah completed the creation, He wrote in His Book which is with Him on His Throne, “My Mercy overpowers My Anger.”

    Now, see, I’m just a perverse fellow, so I read “throne” in a very different way. The Quran: The Big Bathroom Book of Jokes.


    August 29, 2008 at 12:44 pm

  4. By the way, Gregory asks sometime later…in that LOLMuslim, is it just me, or does the woman look like a turquoise condom?


    August 29, 2008 at 2:13 pm

  5. “Kill the snake with two white lines on its back, for it blinds the on-looker…”

    Watch out! That snake has a laser!


    August 29, 2008 at 2:26 pm

  6. Those lovable bits of swimwear are named burqinis I believe….

    I’m not joking. I think some Muslim woman in Australia started selling them, so the vast hordes of us Australian infidels would not be able to gaze on sacred Islamic skin or something.

    Quentin George

    August 29, 2008 at 5:27 pm

  7. Burqinis is right. They have a website: http://www.ahiida.com/


    August 29, 2008 at 6:30 pm

  8. I don’t want to sound all offensive, but it makes that woman look like a smurf.

    Quentin George

    August 29, 2008 at 7:00 pm

  9. watercat

    August 29, 2008 at 9:08 pm

  10. Wow, that girl in a muslin swimsuit filled my loins with desire! It’s so revealing it should be illegal!


    August 29, 2008 at 9:20 pm

  11. That site looks like a joke, ahida! Thats the business that would be affected when atheism takes over.

    Another Kafir

    August 29, 2008 at 11:28 pm

  12. AK, it does look like a joke. I kept thinking it looked like something out of The Onion. Or an SNL skit. Yiish.

    Watercat, those comics made me laugh until my eyeballs popped out of my sockets. No joke.


    August 30, 2008 at 12:34 am

  13. Hey dudes, I have a stupid / unrelated question — can you recommend a Bible? I’m not sure which translation to get and all that stuff. They all look the same to me. God, smite, etc. Help?


    August 30, 2008 at 12:58 am

  14. Why do we forget the miracle of 19. How about the holy islamic number of 786? Even this has miraculous connotations.


    Allah-o-Akbar. There is a miracle of 19!!!!

    I thought it up on my throne (gregory ;-)). I can understand how inspirational God’s throne must be for him.


    August 30, 2008 at 1:10 am

  15. “Hey dudes, I have a stupid / unrelated question — can you recommend a Bible? I’m not sure which translation to get and all that stuff. They all look the same to me. God, smite, etc. Help?”

    Steer away from any of the hip, new funky ones. I’d go King James…same level of crazy, but at least you feel like you’re reading something with some lyrical value*.

    *Especially if the urban myth about Shakespeare having a part in the translation is true…

    Plus, if you eventually read the Book of Mormon, you’ll be able to see the whole passages Joseph Smith copied out word for word from the KJV.

    Course, if you’re after a more accurate translation, there’s plenty around, but I like my holy books to bring the crazy, especially with hilarious errors, like the so-called “Adulterous Bible” which has a misprint saying “Thou shalt commit adultery.”

    Yes sir!

    Quentin George

    August 30, 2008 at 1:19 am

  16. In all seriousness, New International Version is the most common these days though.

    Quentin George

    August 30, 2008 at 1:23 am

  17. Though the “New Revised Standard Version” is one of the few to correctly translate “almah” in the Emmanuel prophecy to “young woman”, not “virgin”.

    Quentin George

    August 30, 2008 at 1:24 am

  18. “Hey dudes, I have a stupid / unrelated question — can you recommend a Bible? I’m not sure which translation to get and all that stuff. They all look the same to me. God, smite, etc. Help?”

    I would highly recommend the OAB (Oxford Annotated Bible).


    August 30, 2008 at 1:27 am

  19. Oh, online


    Lets you search many bible types, lists many translation, commentaries etc. Fantastic! It’s also linked in the search box at the bottom of the SAB home page.


    August 30, 2008 at 1:45 am

  20. Glad you liked it. Not an expert on the bible, but the nuttier they are the more they swear by the King James version.



    August 30, 2008 at 1:48 am

  21. watercat – it’s due to the early Puritans being very, very attached to the first English translation of the Bible and being reluctant to give it up for any newer translation.

    Quentin George

    August 30, 2008 at 1:59 am

  22. Which version does skeptics annotated bible use?

    Another Kafir

    August 30, 2008 at 5:46 am

  23. King James Version, since it is copyright free in the United States.

    Quentin George

    August 30, 2008 at 7:16 am

  24. Whoo! Thank you guys. I’ll have to sift through those and make my pick. I swore to myself that I would never pay for a Bible or Book of Mormon, but I haven’t been able to score a decent one for free. The REPENT! guy who hands out Bibles near my office has some really crappy one that has comic book illustrations in it. Not that I’ve gotten a really close look — I would have to talk to REPENT! guy and I dunno if I can stomach it.

    Anyway, thanks again!


    August 30, 2008 at 9:13 am

  25. lolz to that link watercat, apparently the NIV is worse than AIDS virus, someone needs to look at a mirror.

    Another Kafir

    August 30, 2008 at 9:36 am

  26. Say what you like, there is only ONE True and Pure, Uncorrupted version of the Holy Book.



    August 30, 2008 at 12:10 pm

  27. kafirgirl, if you really want a Bible for free you could always flog one of the Gideon’s Bibles you find in hotel rooms…

    Quentin George

    August 30, 2008 at 7:26 pm

  28. Quentin beat me to it, I was going to suggest sneaking into a hotel room and getting one. That way you kill two birds with a stone, get a bible for free and prevents someone from getting converted by opening a drawer in a hotel room. :-P


    August 30, 2008 at 7:56 pm

  29. Oh, believe me, I planned on it. Unfortunately there haven’t been many hotel rooms for me lately. Great idea on ganking them from hotels to prevent hotel room conversions, Mauro. I might start taking them just for fun. Collect a bunch and maybe turn em into a sculpture!


    August 30, 2008 at 11:03 pm

  30. Hi, I found your website today (trough atheistgirls blog) and I love it (SORRY FOR MY BAD ENGLISH, I´M FROM URUGUAY) . You know… in last years I´ve becoming very interested in Islam and started to buy books (critical ones) about it. I think what you do here is really important. With all this multicultural missunderstandings it seems that all muslims HAVE to be muslims in order to keep their identity. I mean, the slogan about “respect culture diversity” it´s becoming a racist and discriminatory one, both in theory and practice. 1 example: the story af Aisha. Aisha was a norwegian born girl about her 16s; her parents were inmigrants from Pakistan. The problem started because she was becoming “too” norwegian. At some point she started to feel threatened by her father, more and more… The situation became critical and she went for help to the social services. After a lot of bureaucracy she was put in an adoptive home for prevention purposes. After a time the girl was really better. But it didn´t last too much. The social services, scared of being accused of racism, xenophobia, etc. decided the girl to go back with her parents. She couldn´t believe it, it is really hard to describe how she felt. The story is longer but i have to summarize: she was locked in her home, she tried to warn for all the possible means about her pain and how scared she was, but nothing. Her teacher and friends were really worry but they could do nothing. One day, a friend received a call from her cellphone, she was crying, scared… and that was the last time they knew about her. She just desappeared. Her biggest fear became true, she was taken to her parents homeland. Story continues but I have to be short. The point here is that if she would be considered a “Norwegian” girl (in fact she was), this would never happen. But she “belonged” to a muslim family. This is clearly a case where citizens are not equal before the law. Before norwegian, she was muslim, that was the ‘identity’ they attached to her. But what was really her ‘identity’?, she was borned in norway, she was raised in norway, she went to college in norway… she wanted to be a norwegian citinzen, but norwegian authorities didn´t let her to be one of ‘them’. Isn´t it racism, isn´t it discrimination. This case is not an exception, this is happening every day, not in muslims countries, but in supossed first world countries. Thank you for your website; kisses from Uruguay, Emiliano.

    Atheist from Uruguay

    August 31, 2008 at 2:20 pm

  31. I didn’t know Smurfette could swim. Maybe she’s trying to get away from Gargamel’s cat.

    Dan J

    September 1, 2008 at 3:31 am

  32. Hi Emiliano! Your English is fine — no worries. I haven’t heard that story before. How sad. You make a really fantastic point — before all else, you’re supposed to be a Muslim. Before you’re a human being, you’re a Muslim.

    I explained to a friend of mine that if he’d been born somewhere else in the world, he would probably have been another religion. Baptist or Catholic or Hindu or Jain. Not only did he totally not “get it” but he also fought me on the idea that babies are born sans religion. He couldn’t get past the idea of not being born Muslim long enough to understand, and I doubt that he ever will. Ahh brainwashing. Ain’t it grand?


    September 1, 2008 at 9:42 am

  33. Hi kafir girl! I´m glad to know that my english is understandable! Well, this storie and others can be found in Unni Wikan´s “Generous Betrayal: Politics of Culture in the New Europe”. It´s a great book, but sometimes strange: whether the author like it or not, it´s a book mostly about Islam. But she didn´t aproach it in this way, and sometimes she seems to contradict herself.

    As Bruce Bawer have said about her: “Few in Norway have influenced evolution of the immigration debate
    more dramatically than Wikan. A slender, grandmotherly woman with
    long white hair and wide, searching eyes, she’s a complicated and often
    maddeningly contradictory figure, sometimes sounding like a typical academic
    elitist—a priestess of PC—and sometimes piping up to quash received opinions. (I like to think of her as embodying the tensions that exist
    between the establishment and the man in the street where these
    issues are concerned.)”

    Well, kafirgirl, I´ll try to keep posting here because I like your site; I´m also ‘trying’ to start my blog, but I want to have some ‘articles’ ready before I started it, moreover I think I want do it in english because is the language where I think I can find most people interested on it, so we´ll see… Kisses from Uruguay! Emiliano.-

    Atheist from Uruguay

    September 1, 2008 at 10:43 pm

  34. One of the comments from the New Statesman website:

    “The Qoran is NOT full of “half-baked truths”, in fact is an extraordinary book that gave birth to an extraordinary culture, that in its day was quite superior to all the surrounding cultures. For example, women’s rights in Islam are incomparably greater than those given by ‘Christian’ culture”

    One more time I hear this shit my ovaries are gonna pop.

    This week’s LOLMuslim is already testimony to Islam’s “superior” women’s rights:
    The right to look like a fucking condom in a pool.

    This reminds me of something in my country (Malaysia)…the Muslims, who don’t own a burqini and yet feel the conventional swim suit exposes too much skin, prefer to just jump in the water with a head scarf, t-shirt and track pants.

    The look like jellyfish.

    Btw, if I’m not mistaken (having not touched a Bible in ages), the King James version is full of “verilys” and “thous” and I know those things will make your head explode.


    September 2, 2008 at 3:35 am

  35. For example, women’s rights in Islam are incomparably greater than those given by ‘Christian’ culture”

    That argument always infuriates me. Early Christian culture had women as preachers, teachers, apostles, etc. Even Paul referred to a woman as one of the greatest apostles. Of course, power-hungry men eventually snuffed that out for a while and altered the texts to eliminate their voice. Those guys were dicks.

    I love that Muhammad describes women as prisoners in his final sermon.

    Be kind to women, they are your Prisioners in Protection, but you do not own of their things, except, bodies, when they exceed the limits, and indulge in open obscenity. You should remove them from your beds; do reprimand them physically, but slightly, thou art certainly not to break their bones in chastisement.


    Could this be why men in Saudi Arabia lock women in the homes when they leave? They are prisoners of protection? And how exactly is being a prisoner who can be beaten (just don’t break their bones and cover the bruises up with a burqa) being given “incomparably greater” rights than Christian (or non-Muslim in general) women? Those guys are liars. And dicks.


    September 2, 2008 at 12:13 pm

  36. Early Christian culture had women as preachers, teachers, apostles, etc.

    Women were valued like cattle in the OT and nothing in the NT changed that. The bible (and therefore god) makes it clear that women are beneath men. To argue that god made women equal and that the bible was changed by evil men (which god could have stopped) is pure romantic bullshit fantasy.


    September 2, 2008 at 2:12 pm

  37. GAD, I don’t have the references handy (I’m at work), but parts of the NT were altered by men with social agendas to reduce the role and influence of women in society and theology. This is fairly well documented and known by textual critics of the Bible, but a lot of the alterations are still present in most translations today. The one I really remember is 1 Corinthians 14, verses 34-35. Those were textual additions to the NT which aren’t present in the oldest manuscripts known.


    September 2, 2008 at 2:33 pm

  38. Actually, Miichael is correct. Early Christian communities often had female leaders. Most of the teaching against women in the Bible are in the later Epistles, which are attributed to Paul but in fact written by other, anonymous hands.

    It’s quite obvious in places. Paul’s theology was that all differences of gender and race would be gone in the afterlife. In the non-genuine epistles, he’s suddenly arguing about the importance of gender.

    There’s no “changing” of the Bible involved, since the Bible we know didn’t exist until after the 2nd century AD. Early Christian communities relied solely on Greek translations of Jewish scriptures, and the epistles of Paul of Tarsus. See Bart Ehrman’s book for how later writers tried to mangle the name “Junia” into “Junias” in alarm for an apparently female name being given among leaders of the church. This one may be what Michael’s referring to.

    Quentin George

    September 2, 2008 at 4:25 pm

  39. he also fought me on the idea that babies are born sans religion. He couldn’t get past the idea of not being born Muslim long enough to understand, and I doubt that he ever will.

    I’ve stumbled over this in my reading lately and just sailed past it as batshittism, now i’m trying to grasp it. Doesn’t it follow logically that if everyone is born muslim, then any non-muslim is necessarily an apostate and should be killed? A Japanese peasant, who never heard of Islam, nevertheless gave up his prenatal musliminity in favor of Shinto, so fatwa him to beheadedness? I’ve not heard anyone say this, (I hang out with a better class of people ☺ ) but the the argument seems unavoidable.


    September 2, 2008 at 5:13 pm

  40. There’s very little on the pre-Islamic Moon worshippers, but they sound pretty a-ok to me, and a lot of Mo’s rantings come off as overreaction to their beleifs/behavior. Here’s my favorite quote:

    Sometimes the textual variants look like deliberate attempts to amend the text (e.g. 24:16- did the pre-Islamic Arabs only worship inathan (females) or authanan (idols)? ).

    LOL if they did it explains a lot. I’ve always thought the problem with Monotheism wasn’t that there was only one god, but that it was a male one. A “female monotheism” would tend towards Gaia-like nature worship. Those non-agricultural desert Mo’s (-ses & -hammed) would react against that.


    September 2, 2008 at 5:14 pm

  41. Watercat, a Japanese person who had never heard of Islam would be ignorant (and thus not deserving of death) until you found him and taught him about Islam. Once he’s heard the good word and rejected it, he’s fair game. At least that’s what I’ve gotten out of the Quran so far. I don’t know where God stands on the people who died before the idea of monotheism reached them. Maybe they get a free pass to heaven?


    September 2, 2008 at 5:26 pm

  42. QG/etc: Yes, Junia was the name I couldn’t remember. Paul called her “foremost among the apostles.” Bart Ehrman (a former Christian and textual/Biblical scholar who now describes himself as a “happy agnostic”) documents several such alterations of the NT. As he puts it: “Modern scholars have come to recognize that disputes over the role of women in the early church occurred precisely because women had a role–often a significant and publicly high profile role. Moreover, this was the case from the very beginning, starting with the ministry of Jesus himself.”

    I’m not trying to promote the Bible here, but the current evidence supports a much more equal role of women in early Christianity than appears in many of the translations of the Bible available today. Most of today’s Bibles were made from less reliable copies of the texts as far as the textual analysts have been able to determine and when they analyze the texts building a “family tree” they can tell where the alterations were introduced. Read Ehrman’s book if you’d like to know more (even if it is a bit dry).

    So … sorry, GAD, but I don’t subscribe to your “pure romantic bullshit fantasy” when the current evidence is different. I stand by my original statement that the guys (scribes) who altered the NT texts to reduce the role of women were dicks. If more evidence comes to light about the texts, I reserve the right to change my mind. After all, that is part of the scientific process. They’ll probably still be dicks, though.


    September 2, 2008 at 7:18 pm

  43. KG: It was common for Muhammad to issue the call of Islam to people (to convert) and if they didn’t accept, he’d attack them (Banu Qaynuqa, Khaybar). This is why Osama bin Laden issued the USA the call to Islam several times before he attacked. When we refused, we deserved death. In hindsight, we should’ve seen it coming.


    September 2, 2008 at 7:22 pm

  44. So … sorry, GAD, but I don’t subscribe to your “pure romantic bullshit fantasy”

    No problem, Michael. I’ll just point out that your doing just what the Christians and Muslims do, pick a hand full of verses that fit the need and ignore the hundreds that don’t. In the OT women are on par with cattle, and the NT doesn’t do much to elevate their position. I do not disagree that the bible has been changed, I am positive it has been, but if you accept that gods prefect word was changed with regards to women then why not accept all the other changed parts. No, to accept that the bibles view of women was changed would cause the whole house of cards to come down.


    September 2, 2008 at 9:29 pm

  45. GAD, I was commenting about:

    For example, women’s rights in Islam are incomparably greater than those given by ‘Christian’ culture”

    Since Christian culture is rooted in the NT, I made comments about the NT (“Early Christian culture had women as preachers, teachers, apostles, etc.”). You called my comment “pure romantic bullshit fantasy” which is highly unfair and then bring the OT into it. I never once said anything about the OT and don’t see that as relevant to early Christian culture, which is rooted in the NT. I’m not saying the OT doesn’t have rotten stuff in it because it absolutely does. I was talking about the NT and the NT only and women’s rights and how alterations had been made in the texts to reduce those rights and how we have learned about that.

    Women’s rights in Islam are most certainly NOT incomparably greater to the rights women have in Christian culture. Regardless of what you think about religion, Christianity, Jesus, Jesus-as-a-myth, the OT, the NT, etc.

    I’m not trying to preach to you or claim the Bible is the perfect word of God or that God even exists. I’m just saying that textual analysis using scientific principles have identified intentional alterations in the NT, especially with regards to women and Jews (antisemitism), made by scribes/etc. These alterations were much more than simple copy errors — they were deliberate.

    I’d love to know 100% what the original text was, but we don’t have that. I’d also love to be able to go back in time and see if Jesus existed and see how good his magic act was. That’s not going to happen, either. I’ll just have to settle for Penn and Teller.


    September 3, 2008 at 12:08 am

  46. Exactly Michael. It might be also relevant to note that the first “Bible”, ie, collection of canon literature compiled by a Christian, was Marcion’s – and that didn’t include any of the Old Testament.

    Quentin George

    September 3, 2008 at 3:39 am

  47. You know, it’s common nowadays to question Christianity with the concept of ‘why did god spread people to remote corners of the earth where nobody’s heard of him?’. The same can be said about Mo and Islam. Perhaps further on in the happy book of Mo there’s something addressing this question to some degree regardless of how pointless or contradictory it may be.


    September 8, 2008 at 11:34 pm

  48. HAHAHAHA!! I love what God wrote in his diary. Sounds like an 8 year old’s one.


    November 6, 2008 at 7:44 am

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: