7: The Wall Between Heaven and Hell (Part IV — And Moses passeth out.)
I had a revelation last night.
See, Kafir Boy was standing on a utility ladder. You know the kind: 10 feet tall, yellow, black, metal. The ladder somehow slipped and fell. Directly on my head. With him still on it. Ouch. Seriously. Ouch. Kafir Boy walked away with some minor rug burn, and I have 5 giant bumps all up on my noggin.
After an hour of sitting around with an icepack on my head, trying to rationalize not going to the emergency room, the swelling went down. It was right around dinner time, but we weren’t really in a cooking mood. We were in a sit around and feel sorry for ourselves mood. So we decided to be totally unhealthy for a change and order Chinese food. MSGlicious! I pulled out the only Chinese food menu we have, and I shit you not, this is what it said on the cover:
We are closed on Sunday because we go to church. God bless you!
…..dudes. Do you have any idea what this means? It’s a sign. From God! Something fell out of the sky and bumped me on the head. And then a Chinese takeout menu blessed me. He hath reacheth his hand outeth to me, and lo, I will taketh! Last night, after the ladder fell on me, before I called in my order of orange chicken, I converted to Christianity. I will continue to post at this blog, but I will henceforth refer to God as Allah, because he’s obviously not my God. That’s all I have for today. If you need me, you can find me at church. With the Chinese restaurateurs. Praying and shit.
Pssh. Can you imagine me in a church? I’d be the girl with the lumpy head in the back laughing and snorting her way through the hymn book. That’s what they’re called, right? Hymn books? Hymnals? Oh, who fucking cares? That last paragraph is a lie. Everything else (the ladder, the menu) is the truth. I thought I’d mix things up and share a story from my day — it’s my way of squirming out of writing a real intro to this post. Cut me some slack here, ya’ll. That ladder shook some brain cells loose.
The bad news: all signs point to a mild concussion.
The good news: a little retardation won’t stop me from blogging. Let’s jump right in, shall we?
20 second recap of the last post:
- Moses and Pharaoh compare penises
- Moses wins and Pharaoh is a sore loser.
- God takes off the gloves and throws down some plagues.
- The plagues don’t have much of an effect since God sealed up the people’s hearts.
- God drowns the fuckers.
At this point, God skips forward to the part where he hooks up with Moses on the mountain. I’m sure a lot of stuff happened between drowning the fuckers and Mount Sinai, but God doesn’t specify. He’s like one of those old people who fall asleep halfway through a story and then wake up 10 minutes later acting like nothing happened. “As I was saying…”
Here’s how the meeting on the mountain went down:
142. We made an appointment of thirty nights with Moses (On Mount Sinai) to which We added ten more; so the term set by the Lord was completed in forty nights. Moses said to Aaron, his brother: “Deputise for me among my people. Dispose rightly, and do not follow the way of the authors of evil.”
God made an appointment with Moses? An appointment? Like Moses is some big shot who doesn’t have time for God anymore? The fuck?? Also, this appointment was supposed to be for 30 days, but God took 10 days longer than he originally anticipated. So much for omnipotence. No time management skills, that guy.
Anyway, Moses leaves his brother Aaron in charge while he goes camping with God.
143. When Moses arrived at the appointed time and his Lord spoke to him, he said: “O Lord, reveal Yourself to me that I may behold You.” “You cannot behold Me,” He said. “But look at the mountain: If it remains firm in its place you may then behold Me.” But when his Lord appeared on the mountain in His effulgence, it crumbled to a heap of dust, and Moses fell unconscious. When he came to, he said: “All glory to You. I turn to You in repentance, and I am the first to believe.”
Oh. Their. God. Where to begin with this verse?
Moses shows up to meet with God, and he wants God to show his face. God won’t let Moses look directly at him — too pretty! Instead, Moses should look at the mountain. Which mountain, exactly? The one they’re standing on? Or another one nearby? God doesn’t explain. Whichever mountain it is apparently isn’t there anymore. But when God does show up on the mountain for real, the whole thing crumbles to dust. And Moses? Moses tosses a frail wrist to his forehead and faints.
And that’s how Moses became the first queen Muslim ever. Sort of. In chapter 39, God says Mohammed is the first Muslim ever.
39:11. Say: “I am commanded to worship God with obedience all-exclusive for Him;
39:12. And I am commanded to be the first of those who submit.”
I know what you’re thinking, but you can’t really blame God for that one. He’s been around since, like, forever. He’s a kajillion years old. He’s so fucking old that he should probably be dead, but by Jove, he’s hanging in there, that summabitch. He’s probably just too busy dicking around with his denture adhesive and putting lotion on his diaper rash to keep track of trival details like these.
144. Said (the Lord): “O Moses, I raised you above all men by sending My messages and speaking to you; so receive what I give you, and be grateful.”
145. And We wrote down on tablets admonitions and clear explanations of all things for Moses, and ordered him: “Hold fast to them, and command your people to observe the best in them. I will show you the abode of the wicked.
Order. Command. Fuckin’ A. No please, no thank you. God demands gratitude. “Look at me, I’m God. I gave you a life you never asked for, plus all these bullshit rules that you have to follow without any real explanation. You’re welcome.” Entitlement issues, much?
You know what? I dated a guy like God once. A guy with entitlement issues. Take my word for it: not worth the trouble it takes to shave your legs. A guy like that will buy you a couple of drinks and then try to weasel his way into your apartment. Next thing you know, it’s 3 months later and the fucker’s showing no signs of leaving. Moses should have turned his ass around and ran all the way to Egypt. Pharaoh was a douchebag, too, but at least he let you look him in the eyes while he fucked you.
146. I will turn those away from My signs who behave unjustly with arrogance in the land so that even though they see all the signs they will not believe in them; and if they see the path of rectitude, will not take it to be a way; and if they see the way of error take it to be the (right) path. This is so for they have called Our messages lies, and have been heedless of them.”
The whole fucking thing is rigged. Question God, and he’ll not only turn his back on you, he’ll actually go out of his way to make you believe the wrong path is the right path. He will purposely lead you to hell. That’s how fair and just God is. The devil’s not enough of an adversary — God has to jump in and speed things along.
147. Vain are the acts of those who deny Our signs and the meeting in the Hereafter. Can they ever be rewarded for anything but what they did?
Um, no. Vain are the acts of a god who insists that he’s kind and wise and benevolent, and then turns around to damn everyone to hell. But who am I to judge, right?
148. In the absence of Moses his people prepared the image of a calf from their ornaments, which gave out the mooing of a cow. Yet they did not see it could neither speak to them nor guide them to the right path. Even then they took it (for a deity) and did wrong.
OK, get this shit: while Moses is up on the mountain having his little fainting spell, the soon-to-be Jews make a cow idol. A cow idol that actually moos. No joke. Right after he says the cow makes a mooing sound, God says that the cow can’t speak to them. Um, it moos. That’s how cows speak. God also says that cowgod can’t lead them to the right path, which is stupid because a) God hasn’t even told them what the right path is, and b) they just made cowgod, so they obviously don’t gave a fuck what God thinks.
God doesn’t really explain how the people did wrong, but I’m thinking they were like, “Up with skirts, down with God!” The movie shows them dancing around the golden calf. Scandalous! And I vaguely remember some dudes were chasing after women, literally. And some of these women had let down their hair which is, like, totally something only whores do. (Good girls tie their hair in buns as tight as God’s ass. And they only dance when danced to.)
All in all, though, it wasn’t much of a den of sin. Your average high school nowadays is ten times worse. Ohmahgah, how old did I just make myself sound? *Le sigh* Not that it matters. None of this is in the Quran, though, so for all we know, they were just using the wrong amount of pebbles to wipe their ass or something.
149. Then they were filled with remorse and saw that they had erred and said: “If our Lord does not forgive us we will surely be lost.”
At some point these people realized that cowgod was no god at all. Why? Because it didn’t do anything to prove that it was actually a god. Hell-oh, irony!
150. When Moses returned to his people, indignant and grieved, he said: “How wickedly you behaved in my absence. Why must you hasten the decree of your Lord?” And he cast aside the tablets, and pulled his brother by the hair. “O son of my mother,” said (Aaron), “these people took advantage of my weakness and almost killed me. Do not let my enemies rejoice at my plight, and do not put me down among transgressors.”
Moses comes back from his appointment with God and walks right in to the rave. He pitches a little hissy fit, tosses aside the tablets, and then starts yanking his brother around by the hair. Oh he’s a man of God, alright. Anyway, Aaron explains that the bad, nasty Jews overpowered him and he had no choice but to let them carry on with their rock and roll lifestyle. And then Moses prays:
151. (Moses) said: “O Lord, forgive me and my brother, and admit us to Your grace, for You are the most compassionate of all.”
The most compassionate of all? Really? Go back a few verses and reread that bit about how God fucks with people’s heads and purposely leads them down the road to hell. Most compassionate, my big brown ass. After Moses jerks him off, God relaxes a bit. He says that the people will be punished unless they repent. Ho hum. No surprise there.
154. When his anger subsided Moses picked up the tablets. Inscribed on them was guidance and grace for those who fear their Lord.
Lo and behold, the Ten Commandments! Know what always bothered me about the Ten Commandments? The Jews were enslaved by Pharaoh for all these years until God decided it’s wrong. But none of the Commandments say anything like “Thou shalt have no slaves.” Shouldn’t that be, oh I dunno, number fucking one on the list?
But no. That would be asking for too much. Keeping the Sabbath holy and not coveting your neighbor’s wife. That’s waaaaay more important than abolishing slavery. At least to a God who comes off as a total slave owner himself. Command, demand, order, obey, submit, punishment. God makes it crystal fucking clear: your name Toby, bitches.
Anyway, Moses just can’t get enough of God so he schedules another appointment on Mount Sinai. And this time, he brings along some cronies to grovel with him:
155. Moses chose seventy of his people for the appointment (on Mount Sinai). When they arrived they were seized by a tremor. (Moses) said: “O Lord, if You had so pleased You could have annihilated them and me before this. Will You destroy us for something the foolish among us have done? This is but a trial from You whereby You will lead whom You will astray and guide whom You please. You are our saviour, so forgive us and have mercy on us, for You are the best of forgivers.
156. Enjoin for us good in the world, and good in the world to come. We turn to You alone.” And the Lord said: “I punish only those whom I will, but My mercy enfolds everything. I shall enjoin it for those who take heed for themselves, who pay the zakat and believe in My signs,
Yes, blah blah blah. Give to charity, believe in God’s signs, and this is when it gets good:
157. Who follow the messenger, the gentile Prophet, described in the Torah and the Gospel, who bids things noble and forbids things vile, makes lawful what is clean, and prohibits what is foul, who relieves them of their burdens, and the yoke that lies upon them. Those who believe and honour and help him, and follow the light sent with him, are those who will attain their goal.”
Well, gee fucking golly, who could God possibly been talking about? Check out this next verse:
158. Say: “O men, I am verily the apostle of God to you all. His whose kingdom extends over the heavens and the earth. There is no god but He, the giver of life and death. So believe in God and the messenger, the gentile Prophet, sent by Him, who believes in God and His messages. Obey him; you may haply be guided aright.”
It’s Mohammed! God told Moses that Mohammed would be coming, and that everyone — even the Jews — should obey him! How very fucking convenient! The only thing that could have set it up just a bit more is if God had tossed in some more details. Like, “He’ll be wearing a red rose in his lapel and standing by the fountain at noon.” Fuckin’ A.
Anyway, that’s all I have on Moses in chapter 7. I’m sure he’ll be back later and the details of this story will magically change. The Quran is fun like that!
Coming up next: Noah…and a bunch of prophets you won’t find in the Bible. Exciting! Will chapter 7 ever come to an end? Who fucking knows! Stay tuned.