Swimmin’ in Women: Mohammed’s wives and concubines. (Part II)
So far we’ve covered 11 of Mohammed’s lady-friends. This post covers 7 more, plus a few others. Yowzaa. Kind of makes you wonder if he imposed the 4 wife maximum, just so he could collect all the women for himself.
Now some of the wives were clearly more important than others. Some of them — like Aisha and Safiya — have tons of information out there about them. Others? Barely one story. And to confuse matters, some of the wives actually had the same name. Jessica is to my generation as Zainab is to Mo’s. And then there are the spelling variations on the names. Oh mah fucking gah, it’s been a pain in the ass.
Anyway, this is it. The last post about Mohammed’s wives. After this it’s back to business as usual. Enjoy it, babies!
At some point, Mohammed married a woman named Sana bint Asma’ bin al-Salt al-Sulamiyyah. How’s that for a mouthful? Anyway, she died before they consummated the marriage, and I couldn’t find much about her aside from that. See what I mean about there not being much info on some of them?
Then there’s Zainab bint Khuzayma. Zainab was married before Mohammed, but her husband died at the Battle of Badr. She asked Mohammed to marry her. Nice! Tradition be damned. He was 54 at the time, and she was 31. She died a few months after their marriage, and again, there’s not much else written about her.
The next lady on the list is Asma bint Noman. Mohammed married her, but divorced her before they had sex. Why? Well, it turned out she had leprosy. That must have been the equivalent of herpes back in the day. I swear, baby, I didn’t know! Anyway, he paid her some money and kicked her to the curb. But that’s just one version of that story.
The other version is that Mohammed married her and brought her to his home. He tried to get up on her, but she said, “I seek refuge with Allah from you.”
Volume 7, Book 63, Number 181:
I asked Az-Zuhri, “Which of the wives of the Prophet sought refuge with Allah from him?” He said “I was told by ‘Ursa that ‘Aisha said, ‘When the daughter of Al-Jaun was brought to Allah’s Apostle (as his bride) and he went near her, she said, “I seek refuge with Allah from you.” He said, “You have sought refuge with The Great; return to your family.”
Apparently this was the magic phrase, because he sent her back to her family. Too bad some of the other women didn’t know that trick.
Next up is Maria the Copt. Her story is a fun one. If you can call it that. Maria and her sister, Sirin, were gifts to Mohammed from the governor of Alexandria. Gifts. They came along with a mule, a set of fancy clothes and a eunuch. For those who don’t know, a eunuch was a castrated man(?)-slave. No joke.
Tabari, History of the Prophets and Kings, via Wikipedia
In this year Hātib b. Abi Balta’ah came back from al-Muqawqis bringing Māriyah and her sister Sīrīn, his female mule Duldul, his donkey Ya’fūr, and sets of garments. With the two women al-Muqawqis had sent a eununch, and the latter stayed with them.
So these two Christian slaves were gifts for Mohammed. He kept Maria for himself — she must have been hot — and he sent Sirin to one of his buddies. The donkey and the eunuch went with the delivery guy. (“Keep the change, buddy.”)
Apparently Mohammed liked Maria, but he didn’t like her like her, because (gasp!) he did not marry her. That’s right. Maria was not Mohammed’s wife. She was his slave. His property. No different than, say, the laptop I’m typing this on. Except that I don’t try to stick my dick in the laptop. And I probably wouldn’t try it even if I actually had a dick. Or, hell, I don’t know. Maybe I would. Boys do some pretty weird shit with their dicks. Know why I’m glad I’m a girl? Because I’ve never had urge to tie my genitalia into knots. Don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about.
Anyway, some apologists say that Maria became a Muslim, so Mohammed freed and married her, but I’m not buying it. For starters, she wasn’t listed as a wife in the earliest sources. Plus, Mohammed and his legal wives lived in one building next to the Medina mosque. But Maria the Copt lived in a different house near the edge of Medina. Not even Aisha, Mohammed’s favorite wife, got her own house, something’s up.
Ibn Tabari again:
[Mohammed] had intercourse with her [Mary] by virtue of her being his property.
His property. How fucked up is that? Man, slavery is depressing. Here’s a fun story to lighten the mood:
One night Hafsa (remember her?) caught Mo and Maria having sex. ….on Safiya’s bed! And it wasn’t even Maria’s turn! Mohammed is breaking his own law here. The law that you have to treat all your wives equally or else you can only have the one. Homeboy was busted, and pretty scared that the other wives would find out about the whole thing. Oh em gee, what would Aisha think?? So he asked Hafsa to keep it under wraps. He promised he’d never have sex with Maria again, just so long as nobody found out.
Hafsa, however, had a big fucking mouth. She told everyone. And then suddenly *poof* God gave Mohammed a revelation that fixed the whole problem:
66:1. O Prophet, why forbiddest thou what God has made lawful to thee, seeking the good pleasure of thy wives? And God is All-forgiving, All-compassionate.
66:2. God has ordained for you the absolution of your oaths. God is your Protector, and He is the All-knowing, the All-wise.
God tells Mohammed that the promise he made is no longer void. It’s Mohammed’s God-given right (literally) to tap that ass, and by Jove, he’ll do it! How very fucking convenient!
66:3. And when the Prophet confided to one of his wives a certain matter; and then, when she told of it, and God disclosed that to him, he made known part of it, and turned aside from part; then, when he told her of it, she said, ‘Who told thee this?’ He said, ‘I was told of it by the All-knowing, the All-aware.’
God disclosed that to him, huh? Riiiiight. More likely, one of his other wives chewed him out for fucking out of turn, and he traced it back to Hafsa. Which didn’t requrie a lot of detective work since, you know, she was the one that busted him.
66:4. If you two repent to God, yet your hearts certainly inclined; but if you support one another against him, God is his Protector, and Gabriel, and the righteous among the believers; and, after that, the angels are his supporters.
God tells Mohammed that if his wives start getting along and ganging up on him, they’re in for some serious shit. God, Gabriel, the Muslims and the angels are all on Team Mo. You can’t beat Team Mo. And if you do, you’ll be struck with lightening or turned into a pig. That’s how they roll.
66:5. It is possible that, if he divorces you, his Lord will give him in exchange wives better than you, women who have surrendered, believing, obedient, penitent, devout, given to fasting, who have been married and virgins too.
That’s right. If his wives act up too much, Mohammed will divorce them. And then God will give him all new wives. Obedient wives. And some of them will be virgins! Add some grapes to that mix and, holy shit, it’ll be like heaven on earth!
Maria the Copt was the second woman to have Mohammed’s babies. (The first was Khadija, his boss-wife.) Mohammed and Maria had a son, and they named him Ibrahim ibn Mohammed. Ibrahim. As in Abraham. Interesting fucking choice, don’t you think? Baby Abe got sick and died when he was roughly 18 months old. Shitty. I’m not going to make a joke about that, because, hell, I’m not heartless. Dead babies are not funny. Dead baby jokes, on the other hand…
What’s the difference between a truck full of dead babies and a truck full of bowling balls? …you can’t unload the bowling balls with a pitchfork.
Yeah. I’m a jerk. Anyway, enough on Maria. There are plenty of other ladies to discuss.
Rayhana bint Amr ibn Khunafa was another captured Jewish woman. Seriously, Mo can’t keep his hands off of those Jewish women. He says he hates them, but then he turns around and starts making out with their daughters. Rayhana was most likely captured during the Battle of the Trench in 627 CE and, like Maria the Copt, she had her own house. That sets her apart from Mohammed’s legitimate wives and makes her a slave.
There are conflicting stories about Rayhana, too, and a couple of them just reek of apologetics:
- One version of the story says that Rayhana happily converted to Islam, so Mohammed freed and married her. He even gave her dowry. But, um, he didn’t give Safiya a dowry. Her dowry was her freedom. So either this story is bullshit, or Mohammed treated his wives unequally, which would make him a sinner. God’s rules, not mine.
- Another version of the story says that Mohammed married her, but he was pissed that she refused to wear hijab. It caused a lot of problems for them, and that’s why she lived in a different house than all the other women. Pssh. Some punishment. You can wear hijab and share a house with 239084032 women. Or you can refuse to wear hijab and get your own little house at the edge of town. Mohammed’s other wives were either borderline retarded or this premise doesn’t make a whole lot of sense.
- A third version of the story is that Rayhana refused to accept Islam, so he kept her as a slave. I can kind of see that one happening. I mean, people are convinced their religion is right and everyone else is wrong. Just look at the Muslims and Christians that comment on this blog. They’re convinced their religion is the right one, and that everyone else is a fucking moron who will burn in hell. People like that aren’t shopping for a new religion. Why on earth would they convert?
- And yet another version of the story says that Mohammed set her free and she went back to her own people. Call me cynical, but that sounds like a load of shit. Mohammed’s not one to turn down the pussy.
Next up is Ghaziyyah bint Jabir, aka Umm Sharik. She had a son from a previous marriage named Sharik (hence the name Umm Sharik). According to al-Tabari’s The Last Years of the Prophet, Umm Sharik was attractive, but kind of getting up there in years. She refused to consummate the marriage, so Mohammed dumped her and sent her back to her family. Shitty.
There was also a woman named Layla bt. Al-Khatim. She asked Mohammed if he would marry her, and he did. Cuuuute! But then her family harangued her for marrying such a womanizer, and she asked for an annulment. He gave it to her. That’s all I could really find on her, too.
Those are all the wives and concubines I could find information on. There were a couple of other names that keep getting listed among Mohammed’s wives, but I couldn’t find any information on them. Another Maymuna, another Zainab, Al-Aliyaah bint Zabyan, and Kawlah bt. Hudhayl. No idea who they are or what their story was.
There were some more women in Mohammed’s life, too. There were several others that Mohammed considered marrying, but then changed his mind about. Rejected! I won’t even bother bolding them: Umm Habiba bint al-Abbas, Khawlah bint Hakim, Amamah bint Hamzah, Umm Hani bint Abi Talid, Dubbah bint Amir. They sometimes get lumped in with Mohammed’s wives, but they weren’t.
And I also found something that kind of pissed me off. There was a hadith popped up on a couple of websites that was especially disturbing. It talked about a princess who was supposed to marry Mohammed, but she refused to have sex with him…so he hit her.
I looked it up. That’s not what happened.
Sahih Bukhari, Volume 7, Book 63, Number 182:
Narrated Abu Usaid:
We went out with the Prophet to a garden called Ash-Shaut till we reached two walls between which we sat down. The Prophet said, “Sit here,” and went in (the garden). The Jauniyya (a lady from Bani Jaun) had been brought and lodged in a house in a date-palm garden in the home of Umaima bint An-Nu’man bin Sharahil, and her wet nurse was with her. When the Prophet entered upon her, he said to her, “Give me yourself (in marriage) as a gift.” She said, “Can a princess give herself in marriage to an ordinary man?” The Prophet raised his hand to pat her so that she might become tranquil. She said, “I seek refuge with Allah from you.” He said, “You have sought refuge with One Who gives refuge. Then the Prophet came out to us and said, “O Abu Usaid! Give her two white linen dresses to wear and let her go back to her family.” Narrated Sahl and Abu Usaid: The Prophet married Umaima bint Sharahil, and when she was brought to him, he stretched his hand towards her. It seemed that she disliked that, whereupon the Prophet ordered Abu Usaid to prepare her and to provide her with two white linen dresses.
The fuck? According to this hadith, the lady got pissed, and he raised his hand to console her. And later, he stretched his hand towards her, but she didn’t want to be touched. So he had someone else help her get her stuff together to leave. That’s not so bad. It’s damn near gentlemanly. Something’s fishy.
I checked another site, and they both say the same thing. I should have probably checked a few more sites, but searching for hadith is a pain in the ass. There are a kajillion of them. So either whoever translated the hadith from Arabic to English blatantly lied about this hadith. Or one website lied, and then others picked it up from there.
So if you read that shit online somewhere, don’t believe it. Someone — I’m not sure who — is lying. Calling Mohammed out on the great big piles of horse shit found in the Quran and hadith is one thing. Making things up like that is quite another — regardless of whether you’re a translator or someone else. Not. Fucking. Cool. Not fucking cool at all.
That’s all I have on Mo’s wives. And I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I’m actually excited about going back to the Quran. Coming up next: more Moses! (And more whining Jews!)
I have some news that I thought was worth sharing with you guys. I finally ventured out into new pork territory today. Whoo! Kafir Boy got some ribs and broiled them. So I can add that to the list:
- Pork chops
- Ribs – yeehaw!
The verdict? They were good, but it’s not something I would choose eat every day. They tasted kinda gamey for lack of a better word. The way that venison tastes. Kafir Boy thought I’d like them better if they were smothered in BBQ sauce, but we didn’t have any. I’m having leftovers for lunch tomorrrow. Maybe they’ll taste like heaven in round 2. I’m trying pork loin after that.
Oddly enough, reading the Quran has helped. The more I read, the more I realize what a bunch of fucking crap it actually is. Whatever was keeping me from trying all the pork I can get my hands on is absolutely gone. Reading the Quran broke the spell. And for once I can say it and mean it: thank God!