Swimmin’ in Women: Mohammed’s wives and concubines. (Part I)
Friend X, a really good friend of mine, is a fairly liberal Muslim. There’s something that’s been eating away at her for a few weeks, and she wanted to talk to me about it. Friend X recently read about Mohammed’s concubines, and she doesn’t really know what to make of this information. “He’s supposed to be the role model for all of us. How the fuck am I supposed to respect him knowing that he had sex slaves?” How the fuck, indeed. Friend X and I are going to talk about this stuff at a later date. I wanted a little time on my own to learn about all of Mohammed’s wives and concubines before we get together to make sense of it. Thought I’d share it with you guys.
I’m taking a little detour from chapter 7. This post is going to be all about Mohammed’s leading ladies. And, woah boy, there are a lot of ‘em. A lot more than I had even known about. Most of the stuff we know about them comes from hadith. I think by now, most people know how I feel about those. They’re hearsay. Regardless, the vast majority of Muslim accept and believe hadith. So I’ll look at them the same way I look at the Quran. (With a raised eyebrow and a shit-eating grin on my face.) Let’s jump right in and get to it.
Mohammed was around 25 when he married his first wife, Khadija bint Khuwailid. She was 40 years old at the time. Whoo! Cougar! Khadija was a business woman, and she was extremely wealthy — I believe the technical term is filthyfuckingrich. She had inherited her father’s merchanting business, which, by the way, she operated. He worked for her. My kinda lady!
As long as Khadija was alive, Mohammed took no other wives. A lot of Muslims say this is because he was such a sweet and faithful man. They’ll argue that all of his other marriages after Khadija’s death were purely for political reasons. That’s why he didn’t have more than one wife while she was alive.
Know what I think? I think old homegirl wore the pants in that relationship, and if he had suggested getting another wife, she would have chewed off his balls and spit them in his face. So he stayed married to only her for about 25 years, until she died.
And, if the hadith are to be believed, he genuinely missed the old broad. Check this out:
Sahih Bukhari, Volume 5, Book 58, Number 164:
Narrated ‘Aisha: I did not feel jealous of any of the wives of the Prophet as much as I did of Khadija (although) she died before he married me, for I often heard him mentioning her, and Allah had told him to give her the good tidings that she would have a palace of Qasab (i.e. pipes of precious stones and pearls in Paradise), and whenever he slaughtered a sheep, he would send her women-friends a good share of it.
Aisha bint Abi Bakr, Mohammed’s second wife, was totally the jealous type. Check this out:
Sahih Bukhari, Volume 5, Book 58, Number 168:
Narrated ‘Aisha: Once Hala bint Khuwailid, Khadija’s sister, asked the permission of the Prophet to enter. On that, the Prophet remembered the way Khadija used to ask permission, and that upset him. He said, “O Allah! Hala!” So I became jealous and said, “What makes you remember an old woman amongst the old women of Quraish an old woman (with a teethless mouth) of red gums who died long ago, and in whose place Allah has given you somebody better than her?”
In whose place Allah has given you somebody better than her? What a bitch! I guess I can’t really hold it against her, though. She was, after all, just a teenager when she said that shit. Yup, teenager. Mohammed married Aisha approximately 3 years after Khadija died. He was around 53 years old. She was 6.
Sahih Bukhari, Volume 7, Book 62, Number 88:
The Prophet wrote the (marriage contract) with ‘Aisha while she was six years old and consummated his marriage with her while she was nine years old and she remained with him for nine years (i.e. till his death).
Sahih Bukhari, Volume 5, Book 58, Number 236:
Narrated Hisham’s father:
Khadija died three years before the Prophet departed to Medina. He stayed there for two years or so and then he married ‘Aisha when she was a girl of six years of age, and he consumed that marriage when she was nine years old.
He married her when she was six, and they consummated the marriage when she was nine years old. Know what I was doing when I was nine? Going to school and running around with my siblings. Know what I wasn’t doing when I was nine? Having sex. I was too busy being a kid, playing with Barbies. Then again, it looks like Aisha was, too:
Sahih Muslim, Book 031, Number 5981:
A’isha reported that she used to play with dolls in the presence of Allah’s Messenger (may peace be upon him) and when her playmates came to her they left (the house) because they felt shy of Allah’s Messenger (may peace be upon him), whereas Allah’s Messenger (may peace be upon him) sent them to her.
Anyone else getting heart burn? Yeah? Take some Pepto, babies, it gets worse and worse.
Whenever I read about Aisha, I can’t stop wondering what the fuck her parents were thinking. I mean, what could a 53 year old pervert possibly tell someone that would make them hand over their 6 year old daughter? He said shit like this:
Sahih Muslim, Book 031, Number 5977:
‘A’isha reported Allah’s Messenger (may peace be upon him) having said: I saw you in a dream for three nights when an angel brought you to me in a silk cloth and he said: Here is your wife, and when I removed (the cloth) from your face, lo, it was yourself, so I said: If this is from Allah, let Him carry it out.
Magic man in the sky told him to do it. If it’s good enough for him, dadgummit, it’s good enough for Mo! Now a lot of Muslim apologists say stuff like, “Oh, he didn’t really want to marry her at that age, but God told him to do it for political reasons. He really needed Aisha’s father to convert to Islam.”
First off, if God really needed Abu Bakr to convert, why didn’t he just *poof* him into a Muslim? And secondly, that’s God’s big plan to bring Abu Bakr to the Muslim side? I don’t have children, but I can tell you this with 110% certainty — any man who said God wanted him to fuck my 9 year old daughter would get a knee to the groin and a fist to the nose. A marriage proposal for his baby girl is supposed to convert the man to Islam? I just don’t see it happening.
Here’s a little more about Abu Bakr that might help clear shit up: he was Mohammed and Khadija’s neighbor. Abu Bakr and Mo were good friends for years, and in fact, he was one of the very first converts to Islam. He was also the first convert who was not a member of Mo’s immediate family. Abu Bakr was one of the first to buy in to the horse manure Mohammed was selling. He tried to talk one of his wives into converting to Islam, and divorced her when she refused. His other wife, Aisha’s mother, converted to Islam. Gee, could the looming threat of a fucking divorce have anything to do with that?
So there you go. That’s the man who handed over his little girl to a man nearly 9 times her age. He was convinced that Mohammed was a man of God, and whatever God says goes unless you want to burn in hell. Sound familiar? I’m looking at you FLDS.
Anyway, Aisha is considered to be Mohammed’s favorite wife. (The others probably just weren’t young enough.) If you’re interested in a pretty detailed and interesting story about how Mohammed received his revelations, check out Sahih Muslim, Book 004, Number 2127. It’s waaaaay too long to copy and paste here, but I’ll break it down for you real quick:
Mohammed goes to bed with Ayesha, waits for her to fall asleep, leaves and goes to a public area. She follows him, watches him stand around for a long time and then raise his hand to the sky 3 times (again with the number 3 obsession), and then she runs back and jumps into bed. He comes home, finds her out of breath, reveals that he’d known all along that she was following him, and then he punches her in the chest.
Let me repeat that, because, holy shit it’s worth repeating: Mohammed, man of God, punches his adolescent wife on the fucking chest. Yeah. Definitely check out the full story. There’s plenty of easy to find information out there on Aisha and Khadija, so lets move on and talk about some of the other wives who don’t get as much attention.
Next up is Sawda bin’t Zam’a. Mohammed married her sometime after he married 6 year old Aisha but before she moved in with him at the age of 9. So she’s technically his 3rd wife so far. He’d been preaching for about 10 years at the time, and she had been married and divorced before the two of them got together. She was no spring chicken, and as she grew older, Mohammed found her less and less attractive. There was even talk of divorce. Sawda gave up her turn spending the night with Mohammed so he could spend an extra night with young Aisha. That’s how Sawda held their marriage together. Yeah. Heart burn, again.
Anyway, that’s about all I can find about Sawda. I did read somewhere that Aisha called Sawda a big fat lady in a hadith. Bitch. (Sahih Bukhari, Volume 6, Book 60, Number 318.)
Next up is Umm Salama. She and her first husband were early converts of Islam. He was killed in battle, and she was left with four kids to take care of. Enter Mohammed. She was about 29 when they married. According to this site, Umm Salama was a “direct cousin” of Mohammed. Uh, gross, dude. Here she is talking about how Mohammed would keep a fast even after having splooged the night before:
Sahih Muslim, Book 006, Number 2456
Sulaiman b. Yasar reported that he asked Umm Salama whether a person (who gets up) in the morning in a state of junub should observe fast. She said: The Messenger of Allah (may peace be upon him) (at times) got up in the morning in a state of junub, not because of sexual dreams (but on account of intercourse at night), and then observed fast.
Hafsa bint Umar was a widow by the time she turned 18 years old. How fucked up is that? Mohammed married her after the Battle of Badr, when she was around 20. Aisha and Hafsa didn’t get along too well:
Sahih Bukhari, Volume 7, Book 62, Number 145:
Narrated Ibn ‘Abbas:
that ‘Umar entered upon Hafsa and said, “O my daughter! Do not be misled by the manners of her who is proud of her beauty because of the love of Allah’s Apostle for her.” By ‘her’ he meant ‘Aisha. ‘Umar added, “Then I told that to Allah’s Apostle and he smiled (on hearing that).”
Aisha was totally full of herself and thought she was hot shit because Mohammed treated her differently than all the other wives (she was the prepubescent one, after all). Hafsa’s father told her not to let that bitch walk all over her. When Mohammed found out about it, he smiled. He must feel like the belle of the fucking ball having so many women duke it out over him. Check this out:
Sahih Bukhari, Volume 9, Book 92, Number 406:
(the mother of believers) Allah’s Apostle during his fatal ailment said, “Order Abu Bakr to lead the people in prayer.” I said, “If Abu Bakr stood at your place (in prayers, the people will not be able to hear him because of his weeping, so order ‘Umar to lead the people in prayer.” He again said, “Order Abu Bakr to lead the people in prayer ” Then I said to Hafsa, “Will you say (to the Prophet), ‘If Abu Bakr stood at your place, the people will not be able to hear him be cause of his weeping, so order ‘Umar to lead the people in prayer?” Hafsa did so, whereupon Allah’s Apostle said, “You are like the companions of Joseph (See Qur’an, 12:30-32). Order Abu Bakr to lead the people in prayer.” Hafsa then said to me, “I have never received any good from you!”
Aisha got Hafsa in trouble with Mohammed. And she sounds damn proud of it too. Ahh the teenage years. What a great time to not be married to your father’s schizophrenic jackass of a friend. I can’t totally let Hafsa off the hook either. Check this shit out from a set of hadith that isn’t as widely accepted as Sahih Muslim and Sahih Bukhari:
Malik Muwatta, Book 43, Number 43.19.14:
Yahya related to me from Malik from Muhammad ibn Abd ar-Rahman ibn Sad ibn Zurara that he had heard that Hafsa, the wife of the Prophet, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, killed one of her slave-girls who had used sorcery against her. She was a mudabbara. Hafsa gave the order, and she was killed.
The fuck? Hafsa had one of her slave girls killed for practicing sorcery? OK, that tells us a couple of things. First off, Mohammed and his wives owned slaves. Slaves! They partook in the buying and selling of human beings. And that’s a-OK with God. Also, it tells us that these people believed in witchcraft. I love me some Harry Potter, but come on. What kind of idiot believes avada kedavra actually works? And anyway, shouldn’t they have made sure the slave girl wasn’t imperiused or something before they killed her? Just saying.
Zainab bint Jahsh is a fun story. She was married to Mohammed’s adopted son, Zaid, and it sounds like she was quite the hottie:
“One day Muhammad went out looking for Zaid (Mohammed’s adopted son). Now there was a covering of hair cloth over the doorway, but the wind had lifted the covering so that the doorway was uncovered. Zaynab was in her chamber, undressed, and admiration for her entered the heart of the Prophet”.
Mohammed sees his son’s wife nekkid, and suddenly recieves a revelation from God. God wants Zaid and Zainab to get a divorce. From now on, it’s no longer forbidden for a man to marry his daughter-in-law, and God wants Mohammed to marry her to serve as an example. How fucking convenient! Zaid, of course, being a good little Muslim gave his wife the boot so she could go legally fuck his father. Check out this Quran verse:
33.37. When you said to him who had been favoured by God and was favoured by you: “Keep your wife to yourself and fear God,” you were hiding something God was about to bring to light, for you had fear of men, though you should fear God more. And when Zaid was through with her, We gave her to you in marriage, so that it may not remain a sin for the faithful (to marry) the wives of their adopted sons when they are through with them. God’s command is to be fulfilled.
When he was through with her. Yeaaaaaah. So hey, after reading that lovely little bit there, I shared it with Kafir Boy. We just decided that when I’m through with this little project, we’re going camping and we’re taking the Quran with us. And we’re not bringing any toilet paper. I’ll make sure to say a little prayer so that jinns don’t go flying up my ass, and I’ll wipe 3 times with each page — Mohammed would have wanted it that way.
Here’s a hadith from Aisha that pretty much sums it up:
Sahih Muslim, Book 008, Number 3453:
‘A’isha (Allah be pleased with her) reported: I felt jealous of the women who offered themselves to Allah’s Messenger (may peace be upon him) and said: Then when Allah, the Exalted and Glorious, revealed this:” You may defer any one of them you wish, and take to yourself any you wish; and if you desire any you have set aside (no sin is chargeable to you)” (xxxiii. 51), I (‘A’isha.) said: It seems to me that your Lord hastens to satisfy your desire.
It seems to me that your Lord hastens to satisfy your desire. Fuckin’ A right, Aisha. Whatever Mo wanted, Mo got. And nobody seems suspicious at all of that.
Mohammed married Juwariya bint al-Harith when he was 58. She was 20. Are you noticing a pattern here? She was a total hottie. Again with the pattern. The story of how she came to marry Mohammed is really interesting:
Sahih Muslim, Book 019, Number 4292:
Ibn ‘Aun reported: I wrote to Nafi’ inquiring from him whether it was necessary to extend (to the disbelievers) an invitation to accept (Islam) before m”. ing them in fight. He wrote (in reply) to me that it was necessary in the early days of Islam. The Messenger of Allah (may peace be upon him) made a raid upon Banu Mustaliq while they were unaware and their cattle were having a drink at the water. He killed those who fought and imprisoned others. On that very day, he captured Juwairiya bint al-Harith. Nafi’ said that this tradition was related to him by Abdullah b. Umar who (himself) was among the raiding troops.
That’s right: Mohammed launched a “surprise attack” against Bani Mustaliq while they were grazing their cattle. They killed any man that tried to fight, and they took the women and children as war booty. Juwariya was the chief’s daughter, and Mohammed “got” her on that day. Nice strategy. Way more efficient than mine. I “got” my husband when I clubbed him over the head and dragged him by the hair all the way back to my cave. That shit took hours.
Here’s another hadith that tells you the same thing:
Sahih Bukhari, Volume 3, Book 46, Number 717:
Narrated Ibn Aun:
I wrote a letter to Nafi and Nafi wrote in reply to my letter that the Prophet had suddenly attacked Bani Mustaliq without warning while they were heedless and their cattle were being watered at the places of water. Their fighting men were killed and their women and children were taken as captives; the Prophet got Juwairiya on that day. Nafi said that Ibn ‘Umar had told him the above narration and that Ibn ‘Umar was in that army.
Get this: Juwariya was already married. Her husband was killed in that battle. But that night, Mohammed “got” her. Fuckshitandass. My brain hurts.
Ramlah bint Abi-Sufyan, aka Umm Habiba, is next in line. Umm Habiba was a cousin of the caliph Uthman. She and her first husband were early converts, but he eventually converted to Christianity. He tried to talk her into converting, too, but she refused. They divorced. Mohammed was around 60 years old when he married her. She was 30. That’s practically like dating grandma for a man with Mohammed’s tastes, but he did it. Why? Probably because he was scared she’d convert to Christianity, too. Every single Muslim counted in those days. Plus Mohammed was raking in the war booty — he kept 20% of everything — so he could afford it.
Safiyya bint Huyayy is the 9th woman on this list. She was another war captive, a 17 year old married girl captured from the Banu Nadir tribe. Her husband, father and brother were all killed by Mohammed’s men at Khaibar. Check out how her husband was killed:
Kinana al-Rabi, who had the custody of the treasure of Banu Nadir, was brought to the apostle who asked him about it. He denied that he knew where it was. A Jew came (Tabari says “was brought”), to the apostle and said that he had seen Kinana going round a certain ruin every morning early. When the apostle said to Kinana, “Do you know that if we find you have it I shall kill you?” He said “Yes”. The apostle gave orders that the ruin was to be excavated and some of the treasure was found. When he asked him about the rest he refused to produce it, so the apostle gave orders to al-Zubayr Al-Awwam, “Torture him until you extract what he has.” So he kindled a fire with flint and steel on his chest until he was nearly dead. Then the apostle delivered him to Muhammad b. Maslama and he struck off his head, in revenge for his brother Mahmud.
They set a fucking fire on his chest. He was tortured till he was nearly dead, and then he had his head lobbed off. All on Mohammed’s orders.
Sahih Bukhari, Volume 2, Book 14, Number 68:
Narrated Anas bin Malik:
Allah’s Apostle (p.b.u.h) offered the Fajr prayer when it was still dark, then he rode and said, ‘Allah Akbar! Khaibar is ruined. When we approach near to a nation, the most unfortunate is the morning of those who have been warned.” The people came out into the streets saying, “Muhammad and his army.” Allah’s Apostle vanquished them by force and their warriors were killed; the children and women were taken as captives. Safiya was taken by Dihya Al-Kalbi and later she belonged to Allah’s Apostle go who married her and her Mahr was her manumission.
Safiyya was taken by a soldier named Dihya Al-Kalbi. But when Mohammed heard how smoking hot (apologies to her husband) she was, he decided to pay 7 slaves to purchase her from him. For all of Mohammed’s talk of how evil Jews are, he sure had no problem fucking them. That’s right — Safiyya was Jewish. But not for long. She was, of course, converted to Islam. Her dowry was her freedom. Wow. That totally makes up for taking her captive! Here’s how their wedding went down:
Sahih Bukhari, Volume 5, Book 59, Number 524:
The Prophet stayed for three rights between Khaibar and Medina and was married to Safiya. I invited the Muslim to h s marriage banquet and there was neither meat nor bread in that banquet but the Prophet ordered Bilal to spread the leather mats on which dates, dried yogurt and butter were put. The Muslims said amongst themselves, “Will she (i.e. Safiya) be one of the mothers of the believers, (i.e. one of the wives of the Prophet ) or just (a lady captive) of what his right-hand possesses” Some of them said, “If the Prophet makes her observe the veil, then she will be one of the mothers of the believers (i.e. one of the Prophet’s wives), and if he does not make her observe the veil, then she will be his lady slave.” So when he departed, he made a place for her behind him (on his) and made her observe the veil.
Saffiya came pretty damn close to being “what his right hand possesses,” which is a nice way of saying “sex slave.” So she got off scot-free. Then again, she had to spend the rest of her life having sex with the man who tortured and murdered her husband.
Maymuna bint al-Harith was 36 when Mohammed married her. He was 60. Her name was actually Burrah, but Mohammed changed it to Maymuna. I can relate. When I adopted my dog, I didn’t like her name either, so I changed it. Bitch got used to it. The only difference is that I’m talking about an actual bitch. And Mohammed’s doing that shit to a human fucking being. Not that I feel all that badly for her. Maymuna actually married the man voluntarily so she could devote herself to learning the Quran. She was his wife for 3 years until he died.
And finally — at least for this post — Mohammed was briefly married to a woman named Fatima al-Kilabiyyah, not to be confused with his daughter Fatima Zahra. I can’t find much of anything on this woman, except that they weren’t married for very long. He gave her the boot at some point.
That’s 11 women so far and, shit, we’re not even halfway through. Coming up next: more of Mohammed’s leading ladies, including not one, but two more wives named Zainab. Confusing! There’s plenty more to talk about, so stay tuned.