We read the Quran so you don’t have to.

7: The Wall Between Heaven and Hell (Part II — The inmates of paradise.)

with 46 comments

Check it out: gold label.  I’m fancy!

I love love looovvvvve a day off from work.  On to the Quran:

Inmates of paradise.  Inmates!  Ha!  They’re not my words.  They’re God’s.  Or Ahmed Ali’s, in any case.  I was so amused by his decision to use the word inmates, that I had to look up what some other people translated it as.  Pickthall refers to them as “the dwellers of the Garden.”  Boh-ring.  Yusuf Ali calls them, “the Companions of the Garden.”  Check out those caps.  He could have probably taken it up a notch by using a little marketing 101:  The Companions of the Garden™.  Ooh la la.  Now it’s as fancy as my rum.  Either way, I still liked Ahmed Ali’s version best.  The inmates of paradise.  Translation:  even when you go to heaven, you’re still God’s bitch.

If you’ve been following along, you know that I give Mohammed’s heaven a big fat F.  An F-, if that’s possible.  I mean, his description might sound incredible if you’re a desert nomad in 650 CE, but last I checked none of us are.  Unless one of you has a time traveling Delorean you’re not telling me about.  No, heaven is definitely not Mohammed’s forté.  Hell is where he’s at his absolute best, if you can even call it that.  When he talks about how people will writhe around in agony forever, how their skin will scorch and their insides will melt — you can practically see him ejaculating all over himself.

In chapter 7, Mohammed talks about heaven, hell, and the wall in between.  He starts at the moment of death:

37. Who could be more wicked than he who imputes lies to God or denies His revelations? Such as these will receive what is declared in the Book, and when Our angels come to draw out their souls and ask: “Where are they you worshipped other than God?” They will answer: “They have left us and fled;” and bear witness against themselves for being infidels.

The book?  Um, what book?  This book didn’t exist in book form for at least 10 years after Mohammed’s death.  Here’s how it went down:  Mohammed would appoint scribes to write his verses down on something, anything.  Parchment, flat stones, bits of leather, leaves, tree bark, and even the shoulder blade bones of animals.  Anything with a flat enough surface to write on was fair game.

Some people also memorized the verses, so it existed in their heads.  But the Quran wasn’t compiled together as an actual book until the caliph Uthman ordered it over a decade later.  So what book is God talking about?  Infallible word of God and all.  ‘Splain that one to me.

Also, what about those who worshiped no gods?  Who think polytheism is just as stupid as monotheism?  I guess we get off scot-free.  Score!

38. “Enter then the Fire,” will God say, “with the past generations of jinns and men.”

Oh really?  He’ll actually say it?  In his own voice?  I’ll believe it when I hear it.  Anyway, God says the jinns are going to burn in hell, too.  Even though they’re, um, made out of fire.  There’s some Quran logic for you.  Enjoy that.

On entering each batch will condemn the other; and when all of them shall have entered one after the other, the last to come will say of those who had come before them: “O our Lord, they are the ones who led us astray; so give them double chastisement in the Fire.”

OK, so the people will enter hell in batches. And each batch will puss out at the entrance and start calling God “lord.”  And they’ll be total assholes who say, “It’s that guy’s fault that I didn’t believe in you!  Burn him twice as hard!”  The fuck?  Seriously?  I think they’d be a little too concerned about themselves to start playing the blame game.  I think they’d be too busy begging God to burn their asses half as much.

He will answer: “For all it will be double; but this you do not know.”

For all it will be double?  Um.  Double of what, exactly, if they’re all getting punished.  That’s like saying, “I’m going to eat twice as much bacon.”  Twice as much bacon as what? Does he mean twice as much as he was originally planning on burning them?  Well, shit, that kind of blows the whole predestiny thing right out of the fucking water.  Right?  Right??  Now I’m hungry for bacon.

39. Then the former will say to the latter: “You have no privilege over us. So taste the punishment for what you had done.”

So the guys who went to hell first say to the new guys, “Neener neener neener!  Ya’ll gon’ burn too, bitches!”  Even though everyone is burning twice as much.  Twice as much as….bacon?

Verily for those who deny Our signs and turn away in haughtiness from them, the gates of heaven shall not be opened, nor will they enter Paradise, not till the camel passes through the needle’s eye.

Not till the camel passes through the needle’s eye. As in when pigs fly. Yeah.  I’m still stuck on the bacon.  Anyway, God says once you go to hell, you’re fucked:  you can never come out.  I guess all those Muslims who think they might go to hell temporarily for their misdeeds are sorely mistaken.  To them I say, “Neener neener neener!  Ya’ll gon’ burn too, bitches!”

That is how We requite the transgressors:
41. For them is a flooring of Hell and a covering (of fire). That is how We requite the iniquitous.

Yup.  Hell has wall to wall fire carpet.  Sounds about right.  Meanwhile, on the other side of the wall, God cleanses the hearts of all the people in heaven:

42. As for those who believe and do good, We never burden a soul beyond capacity. They are men of Paradise where they will abide for ever.

God never burdens a soul beyond capacity?  Bullfuckingshit.  Islam is chock full of rules and regulations governing every fucking aspect of your life.  What you eat, what you wear, how you talk to someone, how short your pubes have to be, how many times you have to blow your nose to get the devil out.  You can’t even think the wrong thing without fear of going to hell.  If that’s not burdening a soul beyond capacity, shit, I don’t know what is.

43. Whatever the rancour they may have in their hearts We shall (cleanse and) remove. Streams of running water shall ripple at their feet, and they will say: “We are grateful to God for guiding us here. Never would we have been guided if God had not shown us the way. The apostles of our Lord had indeed brought the truth.” And the cry shall resound: “This is Paradise you have inherited as meed for your deeds.”

OK, so in heaven, everyone talks in unison.  Little creepy, but I can see that happening.  God is way into people who just go with the crowd.  No need to think, ya’ll; just repeat whatever the guy next to you is saying.  As long as he’s not, you know, a Jew or a Christian.  Or a woman.

Anyway, in heaven, there will be no more anger or resentment, and you’ll get to live there forever.  Sounds like a really nice place, what with the streams of running water and all.

44. And the inmates of Paradise will call to the residents of Hell: “We have found that the promise made to us by our Lord was true. Have you also found the promise of your Lord to be true?” They will answer: “Yes (it is so).”

Woah woah woah.  Woah.  Woooooooah.  What just happened here?  Didn’t God just say he removed all the resentment and anger from their hearts?  But then, instead of feeling sorry for the people next door — the people whose skin is burned off just so it can regrow to burn off again — these heaven people taunt them?  This is Mohammed’s God’s idea of no resentment or anger?  The fuck?

Then a crier will call from among them: “The curse of God be on the vile,
45. “Who obstruct those who follow the path of God and try to make it oblique, who do not believe in the life to come.”

Yup.  Heaven is a place where you can watch people get tortured by your (most merciful) god, and then mock them just for shits and giggles.  Hey, Quran, your Mohammed is showing.

46. There will be a veil between them, and on the wall will be the men (of al-A’raf) who will recognise everyone by their distinguishing marks, and will call to the inmates of Paradise: “Peace on you,” without having entered it themselves though hoping to do so.

So al-A’raf is a literal wall between heaven and hell.  It’s sort of a waiting room before people get sent to heaven or hell.  These men (but apparently not women) can see into both heaven and hell, and it’s no surprise that they’re leaning more towards one than the other.  (Hint:  it’s not the place with the fire carpeting.)  They, too, heckle the hell people:

47. When their eyes fall on the inmates of Hell they will say: “O Lord, do not place us in the crowd of the vile.” Recognising them by their marks the men of al-A’raf will call (to the inmates of Hell): “Of what use was your amassing (of wealth) of which you were proud?”

That’s right.  God hates anyone who has a savings account.  Anyone with a 401(k) can go straight to hell for being too financially responsible.  And that’s not just God talking, either.  I don’t know how you fuckers do it.  I may end up a poor 65 year old, but dadgummit, I’ll have cuter shoes than any of the other old homeless broads.  Back to the taunting:

49. (Then pointing to the inmates of Paradise, they will say): “Are they not those of whom you had sworn and said: ‘God will not have mercy on them?’ (And yet they have been told,) ‘Enter Paradise where you will have no fear or regret.'”

What’s the fifth grade insult count up to now?  So far, we’ve had “God is rubber, you are glue,” “I know you are, but what am I?” and “Neener neener neener.”  Add “I told you so,” to that list.  Next time God will stick his tongue out and go “Thhhbddddddd!”

50. Those in Hell will call to the inmates of Paradise: “Pour a little water over us, or give us a little of what God has given you.” They will answer: “God has verily forbidden these to those who denied the truth.
51. “Who made a sport and frolic of their faith and were lured by the life of the world.” As they had forgotten the meeting of this Day so shall We neglect them today for having rejected Our signs.

See?  God just went “Thhhhhbddddd!”  You ignored God?  Now he’ll ignore you.  Sort of.  Someone has to run the torture chamber and, shit, nobody causes pain and suffering quite like God.  He’ll take great pleasure in watching you burn over and over again for all eternity.  But don’t forget:  God is totally merciful and kind.  It’ll hurt him more than it hurts you.  Or not.

Also, there’s that thing again about people being lured by the life of the world. There’s nothing Mohammed hates more than those who embrace this life and try to make the most of their time on earth. Which I totally don’t understand because old homeboy sure lived it up while he was in charge.  For instance, despite all his talk of how evil it is to amass wealth, he had no problems keeping a fifth of all war booty for himself.  And I’m talking about both the monetary booty, and the booty that came attached to pretty, young war captives.  Oh, that Mohammed!  Batshitass crazy, hypocritical as all hell, and quite the ladies man, as we’ll see in the next post.

That’s all I’ve got on the inmates of heaven.  Coming up:  Mohammed’s leading ladies.  A look at the good prophet’s wives. And sex slaves. Titilating!


Written by kafirgirl

August 1, 2008 at 4:33 pm

Posted in Quran

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46 Responses

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  1. Bad baaad way to end an awesome post. I am waiting for the titillating one …

    So with ALL the goddamn rules what is left which doesn’t make me go to hell? ooh.. now I get it. to negate all the effects of these rules it’s best to wage Jihad. bingo.. !!


    August 1, 2008 at 5:07 pm

  2. Paradise just gets more and more interesting. Flowing streams. Food. Babes. Boy Butlers! And now, apparently, blood sports. See the people burning in Hell and taunt them!

    Is Allah the editor of Maxim by any chance? Or another one of those testosterone infused, ultra guy kinda mags?

    In the translation used by Skeptic’s Annotated, 7:38 says that past *nations* of jinn and men have been sent to the Fire. Interesting. Entire nations can be condemned. Because of course God, in his Infinite Wisdom, can tell that every single person of a nation is exactly alike. All praise his Great Discernment!

    Oh, wait, that’s just narrow-minded, xenophobic fuckheadedness. You know, I’m starting to think that this Muhammad character got a lot of those “doesn’t play well with others” comments on his report cards.


    August 1, 2008 at 5:18 pm

  3. Maybe god’s using the jinn to get his burn on in hell. Killing two birds with one stone was the answer to the energy crisis in the afterlife.

    Mmmmmm bacon.

    I thought it terribly interesting that they are the inmates of heaven, but the residents of hell.

    Who’s running the madhouse now, bitches?


    August 1, 2008 at 5:19 pm

  4. I had to go look up “meed,” in the phrase “This is the Paradise you have inherited as meed for your deeds.” A good old Middle English word, I’m giving Ahmed Ali some credit here:

    meed (md) n.
    1. A fitting recompense.
    2. Archaic A merited gift or wage.

    It’s good to know that humans, according to the Quran, will still be as petty and vindictive when we’re sorted between Heaven and Hell.

    I mean really, isn’t that the entire premise? It’s just us vs. them tribalism. All the Xian fundies banking on The Rapture are much more excited about looking down their noses at the hellbound sinners below than they are about the wonderful Heaven they’re about to enter (and the Quran’s version doesn’t sound that wonderful anyway, I agree). I wouldn’t be surprised if they take time to spit on us as they’re ascending. Otherwise, none of this True Believer stuff would have been worthwhile, right?


    August 1, 2008 at 5:19 pm

  5. OK – so I have a kind of pedantic question. Not trying to mess up God’s plan or anything – but I just noticed a bug in his program.

    Here’s God’s plan as I understood from KafirGirl’s post:

    Once you die, your body lies in the dirt as your soul ascends. God checks your copy-book and sees how far you’ve blotted it.

    If you’ve been a jew, polytheist, atheist, non-muslim or marginally reasonable, you are sent with off to the fire-carpet-zone by where your skin burns off and re-grows only to burn-off again.

    If you’ve been a total adherent to all his nut-job whims then you get to stay in heaven with air-conditioning and running-water streams to soothe your gentle ass.

    But if we’re dead and our bodies are rotting 6 feet under then which skin is being burnt and which feet are getting the celestial pedicure?

    And since God has reserved the First-Class cabin for the “martyrs” so that they get the All-you-can-fuck Virgin buffet, how exactly are they going to deflower these virgins when their man-bits are currently serving as grass-manure?

    Just asking…..


    August 1, 2008 at 5:41 pm

  6. And one more…

    How did the virgins get there? Are these the same poor slobs that got killed “in-advertently” in the process of following god’s injunctions like “Genital Mutilation” , “Stoning for Adultery”, “Stoning for exposing toes”, “Stoning for being a woman”.

    And what if I don’t like virgins and kinda prefer someone with experience and imagination. Someone who can show me a trick or two? What about that?

    Don’t I deserve some accommodation here? After all I bombed an orphanage as an expression of Allah’s rage and grace.


    August 1, 2008 at 5:48 pm

  7. Shashi, God has basically made it impossible for anyone to get into heaven. But then he has that added thing about how he can send anyone to heaven or hell as he pleases. So really this lifetime of devotion crap comes down to change. If he’s having a good day, you might end up in heaven? Bad day? Hell. From the sound of things, though, I don’t think he has very many good days.

    Gregory, nice catch. God sends entire nations of people and jinns to hell? There isn’t one single good person in an entire fucking nation? Dude. I thought I was cynical.

    I wouldn’t be surprised if they take time to spit on us as they’re ascending.

    Ogghead. …….bahahahahahahahaa!!!! You win.

    Steve, “who’s running the madhouse now, bitches”, indeed. For some reason I keep thinking about Lord of the Flies.

    Rahul, the virgins are just *poofed* into existence. But for some reason, God can’t *poof* Lot’s family back. Or *poof* Mohammed’s Jewnemies away. Or *poof* everyone into a Muslim. Or *poof* the filthy pigs and dogs out of existence. Fuck is up with that?

    I seriously don’t understand the Islamic fixation on virgins. I had sex with a virgin once. Guess what? It sucked. I spent the remainder of the night holed up in the bathroom trying to fashion a noose out of my own underwear. If that’s heaven, fuckshitandass, count me out. Once was enough, thanks.

    Also, here’s a shocker: the Quran so far hasn’t really say anything about women getting an endless supply of male virgins or lesbian partners. Men get their choice of black-eyed females with self-replenishing hymens, or boys of everlasting youth. Women? Nada. Zip. But hey. There are couches and grapes. That’s just as good, right?


    August 1, 2008 at 6:08 pm

  8. KafirGirl: I seriously don’t understand the Islamic fixation on virgins.

    Check this PsychologyToday article : 10 Politically incorrect truths about human nature

    Look at point#4 : Why are most suicide bombers are Muslim
    But don’t directly jump to it. Read through from the beginning because point 4 makes more sense after 2 and 3 .


    August 1, 2008 at 7:36 pm

  9. Another Korancronym maybe should be “I told you so”: The “inmates” (lol!) aren’t the only fifth graders saying that..

    Yeah, christain heaven is a place where you know your loved ones are being tortured, which is a loathsome enough thought; But for Mo, you don’t just know about it, you actively join in! If these are the people god likes, count me an Iblisist.

    Good catch on ‘the book’. I’d alway assumed he meant the Bible/Torah: he keeps quoting it—like with the eye of the needle line—in a kind of half-assed way you’d expect from an illiterate who had heard the stories but never really read it. The way I was as a catholic, before I actually read the fucking thing, he could recite the main outline of the Adam & Eve story, say, but fell down on the details.

    I’ve been trying to figure out those companions ever since you clued us to the Boys of Everlasting Youth (76;19). I suspected that it never actually says those virgins are male, which might be a big shock for those suicide bombers. I guess it calls them houris, but can any one who knows Arabic explain why “companions” is translated as maidens; graceful maidens; voluptuous women; blooming young maidens; young full-breasted maidens, buff hotties with 44D’s and 32 waists? OK, I made that last one up, but still.


    August 1, 2008 at 7:59 pm

  10. “The inmates of paradise. Translation: even when you go to heaven, you’re still God’s bitch.”

    More like automaton bitch, at least in Christian heaven where you can never have a bad thought i.e. think anything god doesn’t like i.e. your not you. Which is really interesting considering that the propose of god giving humans “freewill” was because he didn’t want automatons, but the only choice you can make in the end with it is to be gods automaton bitch or not.

    “The book? Um, what book? This book didn’t exist in book form for at least 10 years after Mohammed’s death.”

    I was thinking the reference was to the bible?


    August 1, 2008 at 8:17 pm

  11. Oh, and don’t forget George Sale’s translation, “…Whom no man shall have deflowered before them, neither any genius”

    No shit.


    August 1, 2008 at 8:24 pm

  12. “This is Paradise you have inherited as meed for your deeds.”

    “Meed” is a recompense or gift, as was earlier noted.
    However, it sounds a lot like “mead,” i.e. beer or “water and honey” alcohol, which Muslims are apparently not supposed to have. I think Ahmed Ali was trying to spice up the line with a little rhyme and try to confuse the eleven Muslims that know what “mead” is.


    August 1, 2008 at 9:11 pm

  13. Actually the heaven kinda rocks.. better than Christian heaven and Jew heaven.
    These virgins must be the ones that christians and some cults have been sacrificing for a long while now, those suckers!!
    This must have been Mo’s usp, he let people be pervs and gave them perv incentives, no wonder a large part of the world is muslim.

    Another Kafir

    August 2, 2008 at 1:44 am

  14. watercat, I actually had a really long talk with a gay Pakistani deist about that boy virgins verse. He was borderline obsessed with it for obvious reasons. He said that his research kept leading to one place: God knows you have these desires, but you can’t act on them or you’ll go to hell. Stick to the straight path — literally — and you can have free reign to fulfill those desires in heaven.

    Also, about the Arabic word for “companions” getting translated to “virgins” and all the other stuff, I’m not really sure that’s the case. I think it’s much more likely that Arabic words for virgins and maidens are getting translated as the much more generic sounding “companions.” Apologists at work, in my opinion. Of course I can’t really tell since I don’t speak Arabic. I need to find someone who does.

    GAD, the translation I’m reading does this thing to distinguish between the Bible and the Quran. If the verse is about the Bible, they’ll write “the book.” Lowercase b. If it’s the Quran, they’ll make it uppercase; the Book. So I believe they’re talking about the Quran in that verse just because of the big B. I could be wrong. I’m certainly not infallible like the Quran! To confuse things further, they do not capitalize the b if they’re saying “a book.” So many ifs, ands or buts, right? Yiish.

    Jebbington, some gift, right? I’d rather have the beer.

    Another Kafir, I don’t think I agree with you. I don’t think the vast majority of Muslims even know about all the pervy shit in the Quran and hadith. I think Muslim apologetics help soften the blow when they do learn about these things. I mean, the first time I learned Aisha was 9 when Mohammed fucked her, I took to the internets. And what did I find? The documents had accidentally dropped the 1 from her age. She was really 19. Shit like that.


    August 2, 2008 at 3:08 am

  15. Hallen

    August 2, 2008 at 5:23 am

  16. “The book? Um, what book? This book didn’t exist in book form for at least 10 years after Mohammed’s death. Here’s how it went down: Mohammed would appoint scribes to write his verses down on something, anything. Parchment, flat stones, bits of leather, leaves, tree bark, and even the shoulder blade bones of animals. Anything with a flat enough surface to write on was fair game.”

    Great shot. No book existed when ayats were being revealed. In this context verse 17:93 is worth noting:
    “[017:093] “Or thou have a house adorned with gold, or thou mount a ladder right into the skies. No, we shall not even believe in thy mounting until thou send down to us a book that we could read.” Say: “Glory to my Lord! Am I aught but a man,- an apostle?””

    The pagans challenged:
    “send down to us a book that we could read”.

    Allah’s pathetic response:
    “Say: “Glory to my Lord! Am I aught but a man,- an apostle?”

    Since Allah didnt send one down, Mo had to make one.

    Another point to ask is with such widespread illiteracy in muslim world (37% illiteracy in Saudi Arabia-Mo’s own land), y Allah sent down a book of all the things?

    Also whether the verses in the book which Allah sent down had the diacriticals(essential in Arabic) or not? I am told these were inserted by humans some 150 years after Mo’s death.


    August 2, 2008 at 6:11 am

  17. “I don’t think the vast majority of Muslims even know about all the pervy shit in the Quran and hadith. I think Muslim apologetics help soften the blow when they do learn about these things. I mean, the first time I learned Aisha was 9 when Mohammed fucked her, I took to the internets. And what did I find? The documents had accidentally dropped the 1 from her age. She was really 19. Shit like that.”

    Precisely. Most muslims think that Muhammad was just another Buddha.


    August 2, 2008 at 6:13 am

  18. Hallen, can’t say I give a shit.

    Anand, you are correct. The marks were inserted later on:

    The original manuscript of the Qur’an does not have the signs indicating the vowels in Arabic script. These vowels are known as tashkil, zabar, zair, paish in Urdu and as fatah, damma and qasra in Arabic. The Arabs did not require the vowel signs and diacritical marks for correct pronunciation of the Qur’an since it was their mother tongue. For Muslims of non-Arab origin, however, it was difficult to recite the Qur’an correctly without the vowels. These marks were introduced into the Quranic script during the time of the fifth ‘Umayyad’ Caliph, Malik-ar-Marwan (66-86 Hijri/685-705 C.E.) and during the governorship of Al-Hajaj in Iraq.

    That’s from islam101.com.


    August 2, 2008 at 10:01 am

  19. So Alalh and his Messenger couldnot anticipate that this non-Arabs will become muslims. And the important thing is Quran never got compiled until the Mess-eng(ine)er was dead. Allah called up his mess-eng(ine)er before the mess-age was compiled into a book. The messages from God have created mess for ages.!!!


    August 2, 2008 at 11:35 am

  20. “Two such copies of the copied text of the original Qur’an authenticated by the Prophet are present to this day, one at the museum in Tashkent in erstwhile Soviet Union and the other at the Topkapi Museum in Istanbul, Turkey.”

    How the Prophet “authenticated” the copies if he was illiterate as the muslims claim?


    August 2, 2008 at 11:40 am

  21. Not to mention he was already dead.


    August 2, 2008 at 12:56 pm

  22. “Peace on you”

    This phrase always makes me laugh because it reminds me of a Benny Hill sketch where he says this several times, only it sounds like (bodily function) on you…ha ha ha.

    While that is not my cup of tea, so to speak, I’d rather have that done to me than read either the Bible or Koran.


    August 2, 2008 at 1:41 pm

  23. I should say rather than read the bible again, or start the Qur’an or Koran!


    August 2, 2008 at 1:44 pm

  24. “fifth ‘Umayyad’ Caliph, Malik-ar-Marwan (66-86 Hijri/685-705 C.E.) ”
    Interesting that an Islamic site uses “C.E.” So they accept like us atheists that Jesus was a myth.


    August 2, 2008 at 1:44 pm

  25. “Interesting that an Islamic site uses “C.E.” So they accept like us atheists that Jesus was a myth.”

    I think it is more that Jesus was prophet of god i.e. a man i.e not god incarnate, so A.D. would not be appropriate.

    For us atheists C.E. is a nice non-religious term, but seeing as the epoch is the same as A.D. i.e. Jesus or the myth of Jesus, cheapens it for me.


    August 2, 2008 at 2:59 pm

  26. God must really be looking out for me. I was starting to drool over all the bacon talk. And then I went outside and–praise be to god–I had ripe tomatoes in my garden. It’ll be BLT sandwiches for supper tonight! Sweet!

    Gregory, interesting comment about sending whole nations to hell. I wonder whether similar logic was used when the 9/11 hijackers decided it was okay to kill anyone and everyone in the World Trade Center buildings–including Muslims.

    Johnny Cache

    August 2, 2008 at 5:21 pm

  27. Johnny,

    I heard some time back that innocent Muslims killed by Muslim terrorists are considered to be martyrs of Islam, so they get a ticket to paradise too. Therefore, for them is no big deal the deaths resulting from their acts: non-Muslims casualties are enemies and go to hell; Muslim casualties are martyrs and go to paradise, together with the terrorist who killed them.



    August 2, 2008 at 10:57 pm

  28. watercat,

    The Qur’an mentions both boys who will serve you (though it doesn’t mention anything sexual – some people read this into it).
    The houris mentioned are female virgins.

    Though there is a modern interesting reading of the Qur’an (by some Western scholars) called the Syriac-Aramaic reading, where it is read in light of Syriac and Aramaic language influences of the Arabic used in the Qur’an which suggests that the houris mentioned are not female virgins, but rather bunches of grapes hanging from vines all around.


    August 3, 2008 at 6:12 am

  29. Wow, Jo, that’s where that whole grapes thing comes from, huh? i read that in an excerpt from Ibn Warraq’s book. That seems like such a stretch to me.

    Johnny Cache, you had BLTs made from vine-ripened tomatoes straight out of the garden? ….so jealous. So very, very jealous. I hope you burn in hell. And then I can sit on the wall and say, “How’s that BLT tasting now, JC? Is it crispy??”

    Meh, I’m just kidding. But if we were in the same room together, I’d probably wrassle you for that sammich.


    August 3, 2008 at 10:07 am

  30. That Syriac would be Christoph Luxenberg’s book, right?

    I’m skeptical of his interpretation: if they’re grapes, why do they keep saying neither man nor jinn has touched them before (55:56, 55;72-4).

    Readable article about it:

    The review brings up something that’s been bugging me.
    Question: When you guys are taught to read the koran in arabic, is it recited in some kind of chant, or rhythm of some kind? The reason I ask is, the narrative structure here just screams that it is an oral tradition. As written text it sucks donkey dick, but visualize it spewing out of the mouth of some Pentecostal preacher in a sweaty Southern tent revival meeting. We hear these guys on the radio all the time, and they sound like this. Totally repetitious, festooned with the sort of adjunct prepositional clauses that make the koran so unreadable. In oral recitation it works. Doesn’t make any sense, but it gets people all roused up, which is the point. So I’m guessing that when you are ‘taught’ it in arabic, some of that intonation is retained. If it isn’t OMG I feel sorry for y’all.


    August 3, 2008 at 11:45 am

  31. “[007:055] Call on your Lord with humility and in private: for God loveth not those who trespass beyond bounds”

    So, y muslims pray in public in mosques and make a show?

    “[007:158]Say: “O men! I am sent unto you all, as the Apostle of God, to Whom belongeth the dominion of the heavens and the earth: there is no god but He: it is He That giveth both life and death. So believe in God and His Apostle, the Unlettered Prophet, who believeth in God and His words: follow him that (so) ye may be guided.”

    See this gem “I am …………… the Apostle of God,…………follow him(unlettered prophet) that (so) ye may be guided.”

    Surely v cant produce such rubbish Suras. Allah is matchless. V have lost the challenge. Lol.

    In verse 7:157, Allah refers to Mo as Ummi. We learn that this word reflected the racial prejudice of Jews towards Arabs. So, is Allah a Jew?

    “[007:171] When We shook the Mount over them, as if it had been a canopy, and they thought it was going to fall on them ……”
    More link the hindu tale of Krishna lifting up the mountain. So, Mo copied from hindu tales?


    August 3, 2008 at 12:27 pm

  32. Watercat, it is absolutely an oral tradition. As for how it’s recited, I’ve heard it recited two ways. One way is actually quite beautiful — sing-songy, almost. And the other way is the sweaty, yelling, preacher style that you’re describing, which, like you said, is meant to get people all worked up.

    Check out this video of the first style, and notice the calm looks on everyone’s faces:

    One of the Islamic Sunday schools I went to was run by Arabs. They taught us to read in the sing-songy style, however that’s also where I heard the angry yelling style. I was way too young to understand what was going on, but it scared the shiz out of me.

    My parents pulled us out of that mosque — they thought the Arabs were too conservative — and they started sending us to a Pakistani mosque. At that mosque, we weren’t really taught to read the Quran in any particular style. Everything was very monotonous. So. Boring. It was like reading an encyclopedia in a language you didn’t understand.


    August 3, 2008 at 12:39 pm

  33. Hello!

    About bacon, I just found this funny piece: http://www.flickr.com/photos/fncll/2129889439/sizes/o/

    It only needs one more flow, like “Am I a Jew or Muslim?” –> Yes –> Deconvert



    August 3, 2008 at 2:18 pm

  34. brg,

    That makes “sense.” I can totally see that rationalization being used as the excuse for killing fellow muslims. Oh so very nice of the 9/11 hijackers to make the life/death decision for the muslim inocents and send them to “paradise.” At least they’ll be able to look forward to taunting the heathens down in hell for all eternity.

    Johnny Cache

    August 3, 2008 at 4:17 pm

  35. Watercat, I’m with you. Getting from grapes to virgins is such a stretch. Especially when it goes into details — they’ll have big, black eyes, for instance. Not that I can disprove the existence of grapes with big, black eyes or anything, so, you know, they must exist.

    Anand, I just read about this today. Ummi meant “unlettered,” which a lot of people take as Mohammed being illiterate. I don’t think he was. He managed his first wife’s merchant business. A lot of people (Ahmed Ali, included) think that it means Mohammed had never learned about Jewish and Christian mythology. So he must be talking to God or else he wouldn’t know any of it. Or, um, he was lying about having learned about the other religions. There were plenty of religious scholars around, so I’m more inclined towards the latter explanation.

    BRG, hilarity! And mmmmmbacon.

    Johnny Cache, that’s a nice little loophole isn’t it? Just in case you start feeling guilty and want to pull out — you’re sending all those people to heaven, for eternity! You’re a hero! Ta-da!


    August 3, 2008 at 10:42 pm

  36. “So Alalh and his Messenger couldnot anticipate that this non-Arabs will become muslims. And the important thing is Quran never got compiled until the Mess-eng(ine)er was dead. Allah called up his mess-eng(ine)er before the mess-age was compiled into a book. The messages from God have created mess for ages.!!!”

    Sorry for coming in so late. I recollect somewhere in the later surahs of Quran it is mentioned that a copy of the Quran is kept in the heaven (can’t recollect the specific verse no.). Maybe the book reference is to that.


    August 4, 2008 at 6:03 am

  37. Husain, good call. I haven’t come to that verse yet. Maybe God’s talking about the original tablet in heaven. But, um, it still doesn’t make a whole look of goddamned sense.


    August 4, 2008 at 7:40 am

  38. Yes you are right. A bullshit remains a bullshit, no matter how many allegories one uses for it.


    August 4, 2008 at 8:00 am

  39. “The inmates of paradise. Translation: even when you go to heaven, you’re still God’s bitch.”

    Like that little phrase there!

    The way God has described the inmates of Heaven and Hell is strange and very negative. If the people who are in Heaven have no compassion and mercy then WHY would they not even strive to help those in Hell. But then again God is supposed to be the “most merciful” and “most forgiving”.

    Also has anyone watched the little documentary “The god who wasn’t there”, at first I thought it would have nothing to do with Islam, but it does as Islam says Jesus existed, and the documentary comes up with good arguments and questions about the existance of Jesus.


    August 4, 2008 at 5:37 pm

  40. God’s idea of merciful, forgiving and compassionate? Unbelievably different from my own. But then again, I’m just an immoral little atheist girl. What do I know?

    I haven’t seen it yet, Humra. You recommend it?


    August 5, 2008 at 8:05 am

  41. Only recommend it if you’re interested in the Mythology, Bible, Jesus and religion. Some of the interviews he does are interesting and I have to admit it’s biased, but then again I doubt any documentary could ever be unbiased..


    August 5, 2008 at 8:30 pm

  42. i’m dominican and just came back from a vacation on the island, i brought back a bottle of that shit and laughed my heathen ASS OFF when i saw that shit!

    now there’s a wall between heaven and hell? how are the people in hell asking for the heavenfolk to sprinkle happy water on them? why did god ask Mo to build a ladder or dig a hole [in a previous chapter]? Fucking hell!


    August 18, 2008 at 9:23 pm

  43. Priest, good fucking catch! God sarcastically tells Mohammed to climb a ladder to heaven or dig a hole to hell….and then says that heaven & hell are side by side and separated by a wall. The fuck?? How does that work?

    P.S. That’s my favorite cheap rum! And I’m so jealous that you were just in the DR. My old man and I have been wanting to take a trip there forever.


    August 19, 2008 at 7:58 am

  44. The position of heaven and hell isn’t quite clear in the koran, is it?
    57:21 »… a Garden (of Bliss), the width whereof is as the width of heaven and earth«
    This implies that heaven and earth have the same width, or is paradise as large as heaven and earth together? Anyway, “heaven” can not be the universe in this verse. Who cares.


    August 21, 2008 at 2:45 pm

  45. So you haven’t heard that the Quran existed before it was ever revealed to Mohamed? Supposedly it is the Book of Life that resides with Allah and he just read it off to Gabriel who taught it to Mohamed. This was always my understanding of the “book” in these verses.

    I remember once complaining to a friend of mine about all of the benefits for men in heaven and all we get are the same old spouses we had on earth (who are fucking houris). HER interpretation was thateveryone gets everything they want in heaven and the Quran was just giving some examples, and the examples given were what the companions “were into” at the time. You know virgins, young boys, water, and fruit. I think the understanding of a lot of Muslim women is that they will have whatever they want it’s just never explicitly stated what they get in the Quran. I mean really, if they didn’t have some way to twist it in their favor why would any woman stay Muslim? There would be nothing in it for her.


    September 5, 2008 at 5:43 am

  46. So I went in search of a website on the Book of Life to post here and I couldn’t find anything other than some Christian references. All I found was mention of Kitab al Munir (Book of Enlightenment), which no one seems to know what it is referring to, WTF? Where did I hear/read about the book of life?



    September 5, 2008 at 6:02 am

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