7: The Wall Between Heaven and Hell (Part I — GTFO: Adam, Eve & Iblis get the boot)
It took me a little while to get through chapter 7. I’ve been a slacker, yes, but that’s not the only excuse reason. Remember that guy who’s been a tumor on my brain since last Monday? The I can see your aura guy I got stuck working with? That guy. He didn’t leave on Friday like my boss promised. I’m stuck with him until tomorrow. And guess what? He’s getting weirder.
Today he asked to specifically use my green post-it pad, not the orange one, because green is a more open chakra. No joke. I lost my shit, and we had ourselves a little standoff. I refused to give him the green pad because I’m an asshole, and he refused to take the orange post-it because he’s a retard. He ended up winning because I got sick of him complaining about how my negative energy was blocking the creative flow between us. Sigh.
The oddest part of the whole thing is that old homeboy is Jewish. And not just I’m Jewish because my mom is Jewish Jewish. He’s for real Jewish. He had to leave work early on Friday to finish up some stuff at home since he can’t lift a finger on the Sabbath (God might turn him into a pig).
All the new age bullshit and temple talk has been leaving me drained. After spending an entire day with this man, I want to go home, lie down on the couch, curl up into a fetal position and die. It’s been like that for the past 2 weeks.
Our project is officially over tomorrow. I’m taking Friday off to recuperate and celebrate. Spoiler alert: pajamas, couch, rum and Quran. All damn day. Whoo! That’s how I roll, babies. Anyway, enough about my wild party girl lifestyle. Better get started with chapter 7. There’s a ton to discuss, so let’s jump right in.
1. Alif Lam Mim Sad.
The chapter starts out with four mystery letters that only God knows the meaning to. So why the fuck does he bother revealing them? It’s like saying, “Hey I have a secret!” and then refusing to share it. Only dicks make dick moves like that. Just sayin’. Then again, check these out:
3. Follow what has been revealed to you by your Lord, and do not follow any other lord apart from Him. Yet little do you care to remember.
10. We settled you on the earth, and provided means of livelihood for you in it; but little are the thanks you give.
This cry baby side of God is really unflattering. Especially since he’s always calling out the Jews for doing the same damn thing. Boo fucking hoo. I’m God. You guys don’t appreciate me. You guys don’t even remember me, even though I’m the awesomest god ever. I’m also the only-est god ever, and don’t you bitches forget it. Or else.
11. Verily We created you and gave you form and shape, and ordered the angels to bow before Adam in homage; and they all bowed but Iblis who was not among those who bowed.
The Adam & Eve story, redux. This time, it’s from a slightly different angle. For starters, Iblis is an angel in this version (or is he?). Plus God asks a few more questions:
12. “What prevented you” (said God), “from bowing (before Adam) at My bidding?” “I am better than him,” said he. “You created me from fire, and him from clay.”
The fuck? Shouldn’t God know this? In fact, didn’t God plan this? He made the universe and predestined everything. So why is he acting surprised when the angel(?) won’t bow down to Adam? Also, what the hell, God just said Iblis was the only angel who didn’t bow down, so he’s an angel made out of fire? Jinns are made out of fire; angels are made out of light. A mistake? In the Holy Quran? Blasphemy! Anyway, we covered the whole angel / jinn thing in chapter 4, so I’ll let it go.
…no I won’t. This is so fucking stupid. If he’s a jinn, like some of the Muslim commenters from chapter 4 said, what’s he doing hanging out with the angels? Where are all the other jinns? How come they didn’t refuse to bow, too? And why the fuck can’t God keep his story straight?
13. So God said: “Descend. You have no right to be insolent here. Go, and away; you are one of the damned.”
You are one of the damned. Double you. Tee. Eff? Isn’t Iblis the first of the damned, then? Who was damned before him? Was anyone even around to be damned? Was there even a hell? Plus, I think God went about it all wrong. If I was God, and I was a selfish prick who couldn’t handle a disobedient subordinate, I would *poof* him out of existence. Game over, Iblis, thanks for playing. Now the rest of you bow to Adam (even thought it’s kind of like you’re worshipping him and that’s pretty weird), or else you’re going to get *poofed* too. Bet every one of those fuckers would have bowed down then.
14. “Grant me respite,” said he, “till the raising of the dead.”
15. And God said: “You have the respite.”
OK, so Iblis says, “Let me hang out until Judgement Day,” and God says, “….OK.” The hell? It’s that easy to talk God into just letting you get away with something for a few centuries? I’ll keep that in mind if I die and then wake up in a more tropical location.
Here’s something that really bothers me: why does God let Iblis get away with it? Whhhhy?? What’s the character’s motivation? Where’s the drama, the tension, the plot twist? God doesn’t explain. You know, if this entire thing wasn’t totally plagiarized from older scriptures, Mohammed would never have found a publisher. Moving along.
16. “Since You led me into error,” said Iblis, “I shall lie in wait for them along Your straight path.
17. And I shall come upon them from the front and behind, right and left; and You will not find among them many who would give thanks.”
Iblis has a plan that apparently God was unaware of. Even though he, you know, predestined the whole fucking thing. Still, snap, Iblis has got a point, ya’ll. If God did predestine this entire episode, which he says he did, then it was his fault that Iblis refused to bow to Adam. God led Iblis into error on purpose, and then he let walk away. Very convenient. And as Iblis leaves, he reveals that he’s going to prey on “them.” Um, them who? So far Adam is the only person created, right? So who the fuck is old Iblis rattling on about? Is he talking about jinns? But isn’t Iblis a jinn himself? So how does that work? God explains everything:
18. “Begone,” said (God), “contemptible and rejected! As for those who follow you, I shall fill up Hell with all of you.
Ha! I’m just kidding. God doesn’t explain a fucking thing. That would make too much sense. Instead he tells Iblis to get the fuck out, and Iblis goes to lead “them” astray, even though “them” don’t really exists yet.
19. And you, O Adam, and your spouse, live in the Garden and eat your fill wheresoever you like, but do not approach this tree, or you will become iniquitous.”
Now Adam has a spouse? Where was she before when everyone had to bow down to Adam? I guess it would have ruined the dramatic effect to have two people present. “Bow down, angels, this is the first human ever! …and also the second.” Or maybe this nameless spouse (I shall call her Eve) was *poofed* into existence sometime after Iblis left. Again, God doesn’t explain. I’m sure some apologists out there tackle that issue, but fuck those guys. If the Quran is infallible and perfect, then surely it has all the answers. (Wink, nudge.)
God tells Adam and his no-name spouse that they shouldn’t eat from a certain tree or else they’ll become wicked. So. Stupid. No shit they’re going to eat from it. Why the fuck would God put it there if he didn’t want them to be tempted by it? And, duh, didn’t he predestine this whole thing? (Yes, “predestine” is an actual word. I looked it up. Bitches.)
20. But Satan suggested (evil) to them, in order to reveal their hidden parts of which they were not aware (till then), and said: “Your Lord has forbidden you (to go near) this tree that you may not become angels or immortal.”
They weren’t aware of their “hidden parts” until after they eat from the tree. Bullshit. They’re married. The only reason people in the Quran get married is so it’s OK for them to have sex. Is God trying to tell us that Adam and Eve are married and living in a garden together…but they can’t have sex since they don’t even realize they have genitals? Buh? What the hell else were they doing in that garden if not fucking? It’s not exactly like they had cable or something.
21. Then he said to them on oath: “I am your sincere friend;”
22. And led them (to the tree) by deceit. When they tasted (the fruit) of the tree their disgrace became exposed to them; and they patched the leaves of the Garden to hide it. And the Lord said to them: “Did I not forbid you this tree? And I told you that Satan was your open enemy.
The fuck? They’re embarrassed to be seen butt ass nekkid? By who? They’re a married couple — who cares if they see each other nekkid? There’s nobody else around, except God, right? Are they covering themselves up with leaves so God won’t see them nekkid? Seriously? Dudes. If God can’t see through a couple of leaves, he’s not as all-fucking-powerful as he keeps saying he is. We win.
23. They said: “O our Lord, we have wronged ourselves. If You do not forgive us and have mercy upon us, we shall certainly be lost.”
24. “Go,” said God, “one the antagonist of the other, and live on the earth for a time ordained, and fend for yourselves.
Ooooh whee! Go, one the antagonist of the other. Men and women are enemies. Oooooh wee! And all this time I thought my husband, Kafir Boy, was my best friend, my life partner. And God says he’s my enemy. Shit. I’m gonna punch that fucker in the face the next time I see him. No enemy of mine is going to marry me and get away with it! Hey Quran, your Mohammed is showing. (More on Mo’s woman-hating ways coming up soon!)
25. You will live there, and there will you die,” He said, “and be raised from there (On the Day of Doom).”
According to Islam, a person’s soul hangs out in the grave until Judgement Day, whenever that is. If you’re hell-bound, it’s an excruciating wait. If you’re headed to heaven, though, it’s no big deal. Kind of ruins the surprise ending, but whatever, this is God’s idea, not mine.
There are two exceptions to that rule: those who die fighting for God or against God. Those guys don’t have to wait around for Judgement Day. They immediately go to either heaven or hell — I’ll let you guess who goes where. If you’re still wondering why people are blowing themselves up in the name of God, you obviously haven’t been paying attention.
So that’s it. That’s how Iblis, Adam & old whatshername get evicted. And God’s been an absentee landlord ever since. Huzzah! Don’t get too comfortable with this version, though. I’m sure this same story will come up again several times since the Quran is basically the same 5 stories repeated over and over again. Who knows? Maybe next time it’ll be totally different. Maybe next time Mrs. Adam will actually have a name!
Coming up next: prophets that weren’t in the Bible. Exciting! Stay tuned!
Other stuff from chapter 7 that’s worth sharing
(but didn’t really fit anywhere in the thematic outline I so dorkishly put together).
27. We have made the devils the friends of those who do not believe
God purposely throws people at the devil, because…actually, I don’t really know why the fuck he does it. He just does. What a dick.
28. Who say when they commit shameful acts: “Our ancestors used to do so, and God has enjoined us to do the same.” Say to them: “God never enjoins a conduct that is shameful. You impute such lies to God as you do not know.”
God never enjoins a conduct that is shameful, huh? I can give you 3 examples off the to of my head:
- God told Mohammed it was OK for him to marry a 6 year old. And to have sex with her when she turned 9.
- God gave instructions on how a man should beat his wife. (Hard, but not too hard.)
- God said it’s a-OK to own slaves and concubines, and urges — but does not command — you to be nice to them.
That’s right. God gave the thumbs up to pedophilia, domestic abuse and slavery. His standards of “shameful” are clearly way the fuck different than mine.
179. Many of the jinns and human beings have We destined for Hell, who possess hearts but do not feel, have eyes but do not see, have ears but do not hear, like cattle, even worse than them. They are people unconcerned.
Those who don’t believe in God just aren’t using common sense. They’re like cattle. Hell-oh, irony!
182. We shall punish those who deny Our revelations slowly in a way that they will not know.
183. I will just give them respite. My plan is certainly invincible.
184. Have they not bethought themselves their companion is not mad? He is only a plain admonisher.
185. Have they not contemplated the kingdom of the heavens and the earth and everything created by God, (to educe) that perhaps their own term is drawing to a close? In what lore after this would they then believe?
186. Whosoever God allows to go astray has none to show him the way, for He leaves them to wander perplexed in their wickedness.
God refers to himself as We and Our, then switches to I and My in the next verse. And then God and He. What. The. Fuck?
Here’s my favorite:
203. And when you do not bring a (Qur’anic) verse to them, they say: “Why don’t you make one up?” Say: “I follow only what my Lord reveals to me.” These (revelations) are an evident proof from your Lord, and a guidance and grace for those who believe.
People, please. Mohammed can’t just make up these verses all willy-nilly. He can’t reveal them until God’s ready. He sends down an angel who tells Mohammed to tell the people what God told him. It really is that simple. Why if Mohammed just made shit up, he’d be a liar and a false prophet. And there’s no way God would allow that. Right? Right??