We read the Quran so you don’t have to.

5: The Feast (Part III — Jeebux returns. And it isn’t even Easter!)

with 51 comments

The last time we ran across old Jesus was way back in chapter 3, where he was busy not dying on the cross.  And God was pretty concerned about what everyone thought of him and Jesus, because there were approximately 93,024,986 verses about how they’re just friends.  The story picks up a few years later.  I’m not really sure when, because it’s in the future.  Probably after Judgement Day.  And if that’s not confusing enough, it’s got lots and lots of references to the past.  Hey, I’m not in charge here, buddy.  Take it up with God.  But do it later, because right now is Jesus time.

109. The day God will gather the apostles and ask: “What answer was made to you?” They will say: “We know not. You alone know the secrets unknown.”

The fuck?  Answer? What answer?  I didn’t even know there was a question.  The verse before this is talking about men acting as witnesses for legal purposes, and what to do if you think they might be lying.  (Just in case you’re wondering:  you find two honest men, and if you find out they’re lying, you just find two other men.  Women are not mentioned, because…shit, dude, have you been paying attention?)  Either way, there’s no real explanation about what anyone’s asking, and the apostles answer “We dunno,” in unison.  Then they kiss God’s ass, also in unison.  And God totally ignores everyone else and singles out Jesus:

110. And when God will say: “O Jesus, son of Mary, remember the favours I bestowed on you and your mother, and reinforced you with divine grace that you spoke to men when in the cradle, and when in the prime of life; when I taught you the law and the judgement and the Torah and the Gospel; when you formed the state of your people’s destiny out of mire and you breathed (a new spirit) into it, and they rose by My leave; when you healed the blind by My leave, and the leper ; when you put life into the dead by My will; and when I held back the children of Israel from you when you brought to them My signs, and the disbelievers among them said: “Surely these are nothing but pure magic.”

Then Jesus answers, “No. What the fuck are you talking about?”  Ha!  Can you imagine? Seriously, though, God’s big into reminding people about the favors he did for them.  Not one of his best qualities, but then again, what is?  Anyway, here’s some cool stuff that God tells Jesus he did, just in case Jesus forgot:

  • He talked & preached even while in the cradle
  • He knew the Torah and the Gospel
  • He healed blind people and lepers
  • He brought someone back to life

Yawn.  Call me jaded, but I’m so not impressed.  I’ve heard all of those before.  But when I checked the Skeptic’s Annotated Quran, I noticed something different.  Something that made me raise an eyebrow.  I double-checked a couple of other translations, and guess what?  Houston, we have a problem.  And that problem’s name is Ahmed Ali.  Check it out.  Here’s the incriminating fragment:

…when you formed the state of your people’s destiny out of mire and you breathed (a new spirit) into it, and they rose by My leave…

Here’s the same fragment from Pickthall’s translation:

…and how thou didst shape of clay as it were the likeness of a bird by My permission, and didst blow upon it and it was a bird by My permission…

Get this:  Jesus makes a Play-Doh bird, breathes on it.  …and it turns into a real live bird.  Double you.  Tee.  Eff.  And for his next trick, Jesus pulls a silk handkerchief out of his pocket.  But it just keeps coming and coming and coming!  And then he saws Judah in half, but his legs keep moving!  Even after he wheels the bottom half a foot away!!  All the Jews were like, “Holy shit!”  And Jesus was like, “Well you got half of that right!” and everyone laughed.  The incredible Jesus, ladies and gentlemen!  Yeah.  He was pretty great.  Moving right along:

111. And when I inspired the disciples (through Jesus) to believe in Me and My apostle, they said: “We believe, and You bear witness that we submit”
112. When the disciples said: “O Jesus, son of Mary, could your Lord send down for us a table laid with food?” he said: “Fear God, if indeed you believe.”

Let me get this straight.  The disciples believe Jesus, but they don’t believe him believe him.  So they ask Jesus to ask God to send some real, solid proof that he exists.  And the real solid proof they request is a table of food?  A table of fucking food? Are you kidding me?  What the fuck kind of geniuses was Jesus hanging out with?

113. They said: “We should like to eat of it to reassure our hearts and to know that it’s the truth you have told us, and that we should be witness to it.”

Oh, OK, now I get it.

…no I don’t.  What.  The.  Fuck?  They had the opportunity to get some actual proof that God exists, and they ask for a table of food?  What, the Play-Doh bird trick wasn’t enough?  Oh, but hang on a sec, because it gets even better:

114. Said Jesus, son of Mary. “O God, our Lord, send down a table well laid out with food from the skies so that this day may be a day of feast for the earlier among us and the later, and a token from You. Give us our (daily) bread, for You are the best of all givers of food.”

That’s right:  Jesus goes to God and asks for the table of Godfood for his lackeys!  He actually fucking does it!  And what does God do?  Does he slap Jesus around?  Does he strike his stupid hungry ass with some Godlightening?  No.  He gives Jesus the fucking food.  But this is God we’re talking about, so it comes with a condition.  Of course.

115. And said God: “I shall send it down to you; but if any of you disbelieve after this, I shall inflict such punishment on him as I never shall inflict on any other creature.”

Oh.  Their.  God.  I died laughing.  Then Jesus came over and brought me back to life, turned some balloons into bunnies and hats, and rode a unicycle around while I read on.  Fuckin’ A.  Seriously?  Seriously?? God threatens to put a hurting on the disciples?  Like he’s some common thug?  Actually, wait, come to think of it, that’s exactly what he is, isn’t he?

116. And when God will ask: “O Jesus, son of Mary, did you say to mankind: ‘Worship me and my mother as two deities apart from God?’ (Jesus) will answer: “Halleluja. Could I say what I knew I had no right (to say)? Had I said it You would surely have known, for You know what is in my heart though I know not what You have. You alone know the secrets unknown.

Why is God asking whether Jesus told people to worship him and his mother?  Isn’t God all-knowing?  Shouldn’t he just accuse Jesus and then watch him squirm?  Or, I don’t know, maybe since he’s God, he shouldn’t even need to accuse?  Wasn’t he watching the whole time?

And also, God thinks the Trinity is God-Jesus-Mary?  The fuck?  The whole Trinity idea is so convoluted and far-fetched that I could totally see if someone was confused by it.  But this is God.  All-knowing, all-powerful, invented-the-fucking-universe God.  And he doesn’t understand what the Trinity is?  Dudes.  If this is the guy at the helm, we are all so fucked.

117. I said nought to them but what You commanded me: Worship God, my Lord and your Lord. And so long as I dwelt with them I was witness over their actions. And after my life had been done, You were their keeper; and You are a witness over all things.
118. If You punish them, indeed they are Your creatures; if You pardon them, indeed You are mighty and wise.”

Holy shit.   Jesus doesn’t even understand what the Trinity is!  Or, wait, maybe he does understand, but he just doesn’t want to make God feel stupid.  Jesus was nice like that.  Or so the Christians say.  Who really knows?  Maybe he was an asshole. Maybe he was only using God for the free food and the ability to turn water into booze.  I’m just saying.

Here’s the other (other other other other other) thing that’s really bugging me:  Jesus says “after my life had been done.” The fuck?  I thought Jesus’ life was never done.  Remember back in chapter 3?  When God levitated Jesus straight up to heaven and some other schmuck died on the cross?  And the two of them were hanging out up there, eating grapes, sitting on couches, swimming in the cool, flowing streams?  Now suddenly his life did end?  Which one is it, God?  And why can’t you keep your fucking story straight?  Why?  Whhhhhhy??

God doesn’t explain.

119. God will say: ‘This is the day when the truthful shall profit by their truthfulness. For them will be gardens with streams running by, where they will for ever abide.” God will accept them, and they will be gratified in (obeying) Him. This will surely be happiness supreme.
120. To God belongs all that is in the heavens and the earth, and His the power over everything.

He thinks happiness supreme is being gratified in obeying God?  Um, no God.  You want to know what happiness supreme is?  Happiness supreme is winning the fucking lottery, taking the cash option, and buying a big beachside bungalow on an island where you can sit on a beach and sip margaritas all day.  Icy cold margaritas.  Blended, not on the rocks, with lots and lots of salt around the rim.  That’s happiness supreme.  Not kissing God’s ass all your life just so you can die and kiss his ass some more.  Oh wait.  I take that back.  There are gardens with streams running by. And Jesus will be there pulling rabbits out of his hat.  Well, shit, that changes everything, doesn’t it?  Sign me the fuck up!

That’s all I have for chapter 5.  Coming up next:  chapter 6.  Just as full of bullshit as chapter 5, only sixier.  Whoo!  Stay tuned.


Written by kafirgirl

July 22, 2008 at 10:41 pm

Posted in Quran

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51 Responses

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  1. Allah could have recited every story once, at one place and completely and correctly. Instead, he makes a full of himself by giving multiple narrations of each story at different places, each version contradicting the other.

    This is what Allah does to the Adam, Eve and Iblis story as well.


    July 22, 2008 at 11:16 pm

  2. Haha I love the complete change that Ahmed Ali made to that verse! It’s okay to lie, if it’s for the invisible sky man!


    July 23, 2008 at 12:46 am

  3. The whole God questioning Jesus bit has me remembering Eddie Izzard’s wonderful routine with God questioning Jesus after he gets back to heaven:

    “Well, after the wine thing did you say anything else that might have screwed things up… for ever and ever?”
    “Nothing at all?”
    “Nothing about bread?”
    “What did you say?”
    “Well, I said, ‘eat this bread, it is my… favourite!’ because it was hot so they had all those crinkly bits in it, and I loved it and… All right, I said it was my body, OK?”
    “That’s… that’s cannibalism! You have got vampirism and cannibalism right at the beginning!”


    July 23, 2008 at 1:11 am

  4. Haha, I can’t get enough of your writing style Kafirgirl :)


    July 23, 2008 at 2:42 am

  5. I have found the following here –> http://www.answering-islam.org/Quran/Sources/cradle.html

    Muhammad, the Qur’an, and Christian Sources

    Muhammad used several sources as information for his recital of the Qur’an. One of these sources were the fables of the Christians living in and nearby Arabia at that time. This paper describes two of the Christian fables Muhammad recited into the Qur’an.

    That page gives more details about this issue, but there is no need to abuse Kefira’s hospitality by cutting and pasting that text here.



    July 23, 2008 at 4:26 am

  6. Anand, he could have even one-upped that. Announce it all around the world, in different languages, simultaneously. It would, at the very least, impress the hell out of everyone.

    Scott, it’s what these guys do. Twist around the words to make it more appealing. And it’s perfectly fine for them to do it, because they’re selling God. But, lawsie mercy, if I take a verse and dissect it, I’m twisting words around and trying to trick people! …someone accused me of being an undercover Jew today. No joke.

    Gregory, ha! I haven’t seen it, but ha! I’ll look up the video today. My husband’s way into Eddie Izzard, I’ll have to ask him about it.

    Db0, thank you! Ya’ll come back now, ya heah? And bring friends!

    brg, thanks for the link (I’ll put it on the Library page once I get that going). You know the only thing that really bugs me about the answering-islam.org is that it’s a Christian site. It’s the pot calling the kettle black, and then asking the kettle to become a pot instead. I have trust issues with any site like that.


    July 23, 2008 at 7:52 am

  7. “Anand, he could have even one-upped that. Announce it all around the world, in different languages, simultaneously. It would, at the very least, impress the hell out of everyone.”

    10,000% right dear.Gr8.


    July 23, 2008 at 8:11 am

  8. “Like he’s some common thug? Actually, wait, come to think of it, that’s exactly what he is, isn’t he?”

    I think he/she/it if in existence is certainly no common thug, sort of an omnipotent Mussolini.

    Have you ever thought that if your folks, even given all their problems, hadn’t taken you to the US that you might still really, really believe all this stuff?


    July 23, 2008 at 8:25 am

  9. Oz, all the time. All. The. Time. I wonder if I would have ended up as skeptical and curious as I am now. I’d like to think that I would have figured things out regardless of where I grew up, but you never know. There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about how happy I am that they moved.


    July 23, 2008 at 8:29 am

  10. Although I do have to add this — it comes down to money.

    When I go to Pakistan, the super religious people I meet are definitely not financially well off. The rich folks I meet, on the other hand, are Muslim by default. They drink, they party, they wouldn’t be caught dead in a mosque. Think Paris Hilton, but browner. The poor people, on the other hand, those are the ones you hear about in the news. And it seems like the poorer you are, the more religious you are. The less educated you are, the more religious you are.


    July 23, 2008 at 8:40 am

  11. Whose words are these “115. And said God:”?/
    Why doesnt he say “115 And I said”/””116. And when I will ask”


    July 23, 2008 at 10:20 am

  12. The fuck?? EXCELLENT CATCH, Anand! God switches from saying “I” to “He” in between verses. Flawless book? Yeah fucking right.


    July 23, 2008 at 10:30 am

  13. “…and how thou didst shape of clay as it were the likeness of a bird by My permission, and didst blow upon it and it was a bird by My permission…

    Get this: Jesus makes a Play-Doh bird, breathes on it. …and it turns into a real live bird”

    In the Infancy Gospel of Thomas we read the following regarding the creation of birds from clay,

    I Thomas the Israelite, announce and make known to all you brethren from the Gentiles the childhood and the great deeds of our Lord Jesus Christ….When this child Jesus was five years old, he was playing at the ford of a stream….He made soft cla and modeled twelve sparrows from it. It was the Sabbath when he did this. There were many other children playing with him. A certain Jew saw what Jesus did while playing on the Sabbath; he immediately went and announced to his father Joseph, “See your child is at the stream, and has taken clay and modeled twelve birds; he has profaned the Sabbath.” Joseph came to the place, and seeing what Jesus did he cried out, “Why do you do on the Sabbath what it is not lawful to do?” Jesus clapped his hands and cried sparrows, “Be gone” and the sparrows flew off chirping. The Jews saw this and were amazed…
    How many Allahs revealed/wrote the Quran?


    July 23, 2008 at 10:30 am

  14. “The fuck?? EXCELLENT CATCH, Anand! God switches from saying “I” to “He” in between verses. Flawless book? Yeah fucking right.”

    Yup. Not the only place where Allah trips. See this great one:
    “[007:158] Say: “O men! I am sent unto you all, as the Apostle of God, to Whom belongeth the dominion of the heavens and the earth: there is no god but He: it is He That giveth both life and death. So believe in God and His Apostle, the Unlettered Prophet, who believeth in God and His words: follow him that (so) ye may be guided.”

    Now watch this ” “O men! I am sent unto you all, as the Apostle of God,……….follow him that (so) ye may be guided.”

    Follow him and NOT FOLLOW ME.
    I am the apsotle.But follow him? Did God send Muhammad to tell the mankind to follow some other unlettered prophet to be guided?


    July 23, 2008 at 10:37 am

  15. KafirGirl – you are simply awesome! I can’t get enough of your biting wit and irreverant style.

    Its long overdue that the religious establishment cede their exclusivity in terms of stating the meaning of “GOD’s” words.

    And of course, they will not do it willingly – so they need to be ridiculed out of their ivory towers.

    More power to you…. and would love to hang out with you in hell :)


    July 23, 2008 at 2:59 pm

  16. Not one of his best qualities, but then again, what is?

    Being imaginary, perhaps?


    July 23, 2008 at 4:14 pm

  17. I forget the exact quote, but I read something that said that to the poor and uneducated, religion is the truth. To the educated and skeptical, it’s false. And to the powerful and/or ambitious, religion is useful. Or something to that effect.

    Johnny Cache

    July 23, 2008 at 7:41 pm

  18. Rahul, thank you! Glad you’re enjoying it so far. You’re right, it’s time to pull them out of the ivory towers. And them, maybe someday, they’ll help us knock those fucking towers down. Know what I mean?

    arensb, spot on. He’s also pretty good at not existing and being invisible.

    Johnny Cache, wow, ain’t that the fucking truth. How sad.


    July 23, 2008 at 9:41 pm

  19. Johnny Cache:
    According to Wikiquote, it’s attributed to Seneca the Younger:

    Religion is regarded by the common people as true, by the wise as false, and by rulers as useful.

    Of course, we can apply the Star Trek rule and find that it doesn’t matter whether Seneca or someone else said this, since it stands on its own.


    July 24, 2008 at 12:09 pm

  20. Oz, you asked Kafir Girl is she might have been Muslima if she had stayed in Pakistan. This probably belongs in the decon section, but it might help.
    I am living in prison camp type conditions in an Arab country where Dad earns less than $900 a month.
    I am a niqabi. I am 15 years old. I left UK at age 11 to come to the Gulf. Me schooling is in a bust up little portacabin with a Pakistani matriarch who walks up and down mumbling.
    Then i got transferred, finally, at 14 to a real school with real books in a city 3 hours away by bus-blacked out windows, me sitting in a full burkha.
    Me entire life revolves around Islamic ritual, prayer, social customs, from when i wake up at fajr to pray with mum-to when i shower and wash, even how i eat, of if thirtsy, how many mouthfulls i drink before slopping into ‘greed.’ Me life is reginmented by the labor campy system with guards on check points, Pakistani men seperated from us, strict gender seperation at all times, total seclusion from men, and the outside world generally, yet constant harrassement from the Arab security guards. The harassement reinforces our Islam. I am now so terrified i will not even raise me head.
    Then one day something happens to me, it gets me sick, and i am untreated for months.
    I on me third Hajj standing outside the Prophet’s mosque in Medina just standing there with a broken arm when i feel like a fiery explosion in me mind, i step 1,000 years into the past- a thousand into the future, i see Islam’s birth, and it’s death and for something like a mili second, this is so fucking hard to explain, for something like a fraction of a second- realize that everything is interconnected, that Islam, is insignificant, that humanity is EVERYTHING, part of the true fabric of the universe’s coscniousness. I had become a apostate.
    i was illiterate, sick, half schooled, knew Qu’ran only from memorizaiton, no contact with no secular or fancy ideas as such, just a very quiet, very timid, Pakistani child standing in the desert with a broken arm.


    July 24, 2008 at 12:39 pm

  21. @APG

    Very moving story. Hats off to ur grit, courage and logical approach to life.


    July 24, 2008 at 12:52 pm

  22. The food creation sounds like the way mages in World of Warcraft can summon a “mana table” to provide an unlimited supply of delicious biscuits to keep everyone’s health and spell power high. A very nice trick, and also quite helpful, but it doesn’t exactly seem like a feat that requires an omnipotent creator. Any two-bit conjurer in a fantasy universe with the right set of rules could pull that one off. I’m disappointed in Jeebux.


    July 24, 2008 at 5:25 pm

  23. Hi apostatepakistanigirl

    I am not sure if it is OK to have a conversation within someone else’s blog is it? I am not familiar enough with this stuff. So, I’ll take the risk.

    I am a bit confused. Were you writing about your situation now or are you referring to the recent past?


    July 24, 2008 at 10:07 pm

  24. OZ, it’s OK with me!


    July 24, 2008 at 10:44 pm

  25. Where Jesus blows onto his play-do birds and they come alive is something from the banned Gospels. That particular Gospel concentrated on Jesus’s childhood and he was a lil brat in it so it was never included in the modern Bible. Wish I remembered the name of it..Thomas?

    Yeh, was right, it’s called the “Infancy Gospel of Thomas”, you can wiki it if you wanna check it out. Anyway, I just wanted to bring attention to how the Qu’ran borrows information from different Gospels and even widely known information (where apologists and muslims are now trying to say that these are recent findings when in fact they were talked about a lot before the Qu’ran was made e.g. Spherical Earth).


    July 27, 2008 at 5:38 pm

  26. Banned Gospels, huh? I haven’t heard of this. I’ll have to look into it once I have a little time (when the hell do these chapters get noticeably shorter??). I’ve read about a lot of those ” “Islamic miracles.” Things people say are in the Quran that weren’t discovered by science till years later. I haven’t come across a single one yet. But I have found a lot of bullshittery and pseudo-science. That’s about it.


    July 27, 2008 at 9:56 pm

  27. Kafir Girl, ure blog is being targetted by the BNP posing as ‘feminists’. They are using Islamophobia to spread race hate. There is just one lone nut out there doing this- linked to the BNP “Lionheart” blog. They have set up a phoney feminist blog called, “women against mysogonyst imperialism”, just changed to “women against male imperialism,” using a phoney identity of “Natasha” when it’s obviously some sick white BNP loser- probably on his way to jail.
    The blog is using a BNP agenda, it’s being monitored by “Unite Against Fascism,” who u will know if ure UK based. Suspicion is it’s BNP cyber activist “Green Arrow,” or Lionheart himself. He has linked to ure blog and they are following the now well established BNP pattern of using everyone from Wafa Sultan to now Kafir Girl to spread race hate against Muslims, specifically, the UK Pakistani community.
    If this guy posing as “Natasha,” self decribed “Director of WAMI,” (director-wtf?), please be advised that they are in fact the BNP having their jollies.
    Thanks Kafir Girl!

    Guys- this BNP neo nazi blog posing as a “feminist” womens’ liberation RAWA style deal is so sick u will lose ure lunch if u visit it.


    July 28, 2008 at 4:38 am

  28. Oh hell there’s a question up there. Kafir girl, tell Oz its me past, i was raised in Saudi Arab from age 11 to 18 and became murtad in medina at age 15. Me suicide attempt was in 2004. I am now in rehab.
    Sorry Oz, can’t reveal me location but i am in a place where control of me “behavior” is total cos i got ‘kicked out’ me community. I can not say more for fear of real retaliation against me.
    ok then, (sorry Kaffir Girl).


    July 28, 2008 at 4:48 am

  29. Great blog. Very entertaining and educational in that retarded religious way. I would not have the patience or focus to read any religious dogma chapter by chapter but keep it up. I’m cheering you on, on behalf of all us infidels who can’t believe what drivel religious beliefs are based on. Speaking of infidels, my favorite is Robert Green Ingersoll. You should look up some of his works online. This guy lived from 1833 to 1899 and through his readings it’s apparent that things have stayed the same far more than they have changed in terms of peoples willingness to believe in things without evidence. I thought everybody might enjoy how he sums up this Trinity crap:

    “Christ, according to the faith, is the second person in the Trinity, the Father being the first and the Holy Ghost the third. Each of these three persons is God. Christ is his own father and his own son. The Holy Ghost is neither father nor son, but both. The son was begotten by the father, but existed before he was begotten — just the same before as after. Christ is just as old as his father, and the father is just as young as his son. The Holy Ghost proceeded from the Father and Son, but was equal to the Father and Son before he proceeded, that is to say, before he existed, but he is of the same age of the other two. So, it is declared that the Father is God, and the Son God and the Holy Ghost God, and that these three Gods make one God.
    According to the celestial multiplication table, once one is three, and three times one is one, and according to heavenly subtraction if we take two from three, three are left. The addition is equally peculiar, if we add two to one we have but one. Each one is equal to himself and the other two. Nothing ever was, nothing ever can be more perfectly idiotic and absurd than the dogma of the Trinity. How is it possible to prove the existence of the Trinity? Is it possible for a human being, who has been born but once, to comprehend, or to imagine the existence of three beings, each of whom is equal to the three? Think of one of these beings as the father of one, and think of that one as half human and all God. and think of the third as having proceeded from the other two, and then think of all three as one. Think that after the father begot the son, the father was still alone, and after the Holy Ghost proceeded from the father and the son, the father was still alone — because there never was and never will be but one God. At this point, absurdity having reached its limit, nothing more can be said except: “Let us pray.””
    – RGI

    Bob Fisher

    July 28, 2008 at 5:31 am

  30. @Kafirgirl.
    Humra is right. U will get these things here at


    July 28, 2008 at 6:09 am

  31. Jasmine, thanks for letting me know. I went to that site when I noticed they’d linked me, and I remember thinking something seemed really “off” about it.

    Bob, that was written in the 1800s? Yiish. You could have said someone wrote it yesterday and I’d have believed you. Hilarious — I’ll definitely check it out. Is there a particular book you’d recommend starting off with? And before I forget my manners, thank you for the suggestion and for reading. I’m glad you’re enjoying it so far.

    Anand, thanks.


    July 28, 2008 at 8:10 am

  32. “He has linked to ure blog and they are following the now well established BNP pattern of using everyone from Wafa Sultan to now Kafir Girl to spread race hate against Muslims, specifically, the UK Pakistani community.”

    Race hate against muslims/Pakistanis is not at all acceptable. One should convince muslims that Islam is wrong ideology. But saying all muslims/Pakistanis are bad is a sweeping generalisation which v should oppose.

    I appreciate ur nice humanistic thoughts.


    July 28, 2008 at 11:23 am

  33. Disagreeing with, or even hating, a religion is completely different than attacking people’s ethnicities or personal identities. That’s just ig’nant.


    July 28, 2008 at 11:39 am

  34. Thank u Kaffir girl really cos u see what it is for sure, no feminist ever talked like that about us.
    Kaffir girl, sorry, could u try and get through to “The Apostate” on this cos she’s a genius and stuff but the apostate has no idea about the BNP and is allowing this “Natasha” to post on her blog site. Of course, if the apostate knew- then obviously she’d throw a fit. But she doesn’t and she’s too busy to check their site out (where “natasha” calls for white suicide bombers to attack Pakistanis and bangs on about abuse issues to a degree that really makes me wonder how sick this Nazi really is). Kaffir girl, i know it’s a hell of a lot to ask, but could u tip the apostate off and warn her what is really going on and if she doesn’t want to really trash this weirdo then at least, at least, don’t platform it on her really brilliant and valuable blog site. (it’s better to post as i don’t think she reads her e.mails and please try to get through to her what the BNP actually is).


    July 28, 2008 at 12:22 pm

  35. Exactly, a lot of Muslims believe that the Qu’ran has scientific miracles in it, when in actual fact it is very ambiguous and can be interpreted either way. If Allah wanted to make a perfect book, he didn’t do it very well at all!

    One of my friends is an Alima (Pretty much Islamic Theology and history) and I once got into a debate with her when I was starting to have doubts about Islamand religion. She admitted that women are weaker then men and should follow and listen to them. This is a woman who is very bright, outgoing and outspoken. Yet she believes herself to be lower than man because it says so in a book. My faith was pulverised at that moment and felt even more confused, I wanted to respect Islam but it’s hard. Most of my friends are Muslims and when they start talking about islam I have to bite my tongue as when I haven’t things have become very messy.

    In the end Muslims believe Islam to be the perfect religion, when it has a load of black holes in it. Also for any muslim who has been told that there is something special about Islam..There isn’t! I looked really hard for it and when I finally asked my parents what it was their reply was “faith”…WTF?!?!? That’s it??


    July 28, 2008 at 2:49 pm

  36. Kafir. Amazing stuff, excellent Blog.
    I had the same reactions reading the Koran to the letter. My head was aching.

    Just on the Birds from Clay bit. thats in the Infant Gosple of Thomas, and it was several birds. Mo had obviously heard that from the christians and slapped it into the Koran. The cristians scrapped it because it was too nuts.(as opposed to jesus jumping into crackers and booze)


    July 28, 2008 at 9:57 pm

  37. Humra, faith. What a joke. It’s always seems like such a terrible reason to believe something.

    Sweetpityfulmercy, thank you! So you’ve read the Quran, huh? I take it you’re not one of the “instant conversion” stories I’ve read about. Ha!

    Funny how Mohammed pieced stuff together using discarded Christian mythology. A reader named Gregory just caught this thing about Solomon that was also not really in the Bible. It was part of Christian folklore, but probably too crazy to put in the Bible itself. The story of Solomon being a sorcerer. Check it out if you get the chance: https://kafirgirl.wordpress.com/2008/07/27/chapter6part2/


    July 28, 2008 at 10:10 pm

  38. My parents told me abour solomon, quiet a lot actually. i remember i was once told about solomon caging up a load of monsters with a barrier (who are very hungry for human flesh by the way) and that every day from dusk til dawn they try to break the barrier down. Obviously they reproduce and name each child they have, and one day they will name one of their children Insha-allah (something to do with hope and god and wish..).
    One day one of the creatures will say, “Insha-allah we’ll do it tomorrow” and then the next day they’ll get through and go on orgy of binging which will be the beginning of the end. A nice bed time story my parents would tell me when I was a kid..


    July 29, 2008 at 5:54 pm

  39. Humra, I’ve never heard that story. Is it just something your parents told you, or is it based on some myth they had heard? I’d love to know where that’s from.

    Inshallah, btw, means “God willing.”


    July 29, 2008 at 6:00 pm

  40. I’ll have to ask them. They told me when I was very young and it was probably something they heard, or made up to make life even more scary then it already was (One day monsters will be released to tear you apart and eat you..nice!).

    TBH I loved that story, maybe because I wanted to believe that asking god would be a powerful thing.


    July 29, 2008 at 7:04 pm

  41. Apparently Jesus was quite the entertainer.


    August 10, 2008 at 7:06 pm

  42. 115. And said God: “I shall send it down to you; but if any of you disbelieve after this, I shall inflict such punishment on him as I never shall inflict on any other creature.”

    This reference to Jeebux and all his magic tricks is a serious attempt to establish that GOD EXISTS, not just for present day (Mo’s) arabs but previously for jews and christans. By referring to magic trix, Mo the man is just laying the foundation that existence of God has been there, only Jeebux fucked it up badly before, but me? no boy, I m the perfection itself that entertains no questions.


    August 16, 2008 at 7:17 am

  43. Chris: Hahaha! yeah watched that one before and loved it.

    The Solomon being a sorcerer thingy can be found in The 1001 Arabian Nights where there’re stories about the guy himself and about djinns and spirits being imprisoned in bottles and boxes and random containers by Solomon.

    The book is also full of sex. And I mean like shit loads of it ;-)


    August 22, 2008 at 2:46 am

  44. btw, is it just me or is the quran all about sex and food (and how to obtain said two things by stealing, plundering, and beating the shit out of everyone)?


    August 22, 2008 at 3:58 am

  45. Reading through your archives makes me so sad to have missed out on all these great discussions :(

    The story about Jesus making clay birds come to life definitely had to have been nicked from some Christian sect. Think about it: Jesus is making creatures out of clay and breathing life into them, just as God makes man out of clay and breathes life into him in Genesis. Jesus is creating life just like God did! Jesus has the power of creation! This story must have come from people who believed that Jesus was God.


    October 12, 2008 at 7:24 pm

  46. Until Mo, I’ve never heard of Jesus doing that, but I’ve heard of a jubillion other gods doing it, amongst the babyonians and sumerians. Sounds to me like Mo heard all these stories in his travels but didn’t remember them very well–he always gets the details wrong, like with the trinity business. Here he just subbed jesus for Mami Atrahasis Epic; you gotta tune your sales pitch to your audience.


    October 12, 2008 at 8:55 pm

  47. crystal; no picture yet?


    October 12, 2008 at 8:56 pm

  48. I’m being really really lazy. Plus, after all that whining, I can’t think of a good picture!

    It doesn’t surprise me to hear of pre-Christian gods doing similar things. The account of Jesus doing it is in the Infancy Gospel of Thomas, which scholars believe wasn’t written to be an actual gospel but was actually something more like a writing exercise. However, it did influence the Arabic Infancy Gospel, which you can read some interesting stuff about here:


    Apologize all you want, guys, that’s pretty incriminating evidence.


    October 12, 2008 at 9:34 pm

  49. HOLY SHIT!!!

    a diaper (of Jesus) that heals people,



    October 12, 2008 at 10:06 pm

  50. Well if his body and blood are holy… :)


    October 12, 2008 at 10:56 pm

  51. Oh, ha, I see you already made that joke. Naturally I miss the stuff in all caps :)


    October 12, 2008 at 11:05 pm

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