5: The Feast (Part III — Jeebux returns. And it isn’t even Easter!)
The last time we ran across old Jesus was way back in chapter 3, where he was busy not dying on the cross. And God was pretty concerned about what everyone thought of him and Jesus, because there were approximately 93,024,986 verses about how they’re just friends. The story picks up a few years later. I’m not really sure when, because it’s in the future. Probably after Judgement Day. And if that’s not confusing enough, it’s got lots and lots of references to the past. Hey, I’m not in charge here, buddy. Take it up with God. But do it later, because right now is Jesus time.
109. The day God will gather the apostles and ask: “What answer was made to you?” They will say: “We know not. You alone know the secrets unknown.”
The fuck? Answer? What answer? I didn’t even know there was a question. The verse before this is talking about men acting as witnesses for legal purposes, and what to do if you think they might be lying. (Just in case you’re wondering: you find two honest men, and if you find out they’re lying, you just find two other men. Women are not mentioned, because…shit, dude, have you been paying attention?) Either way, there’s no real explanation about what anyone’s asking, and the apostles answer “We dunno,” in unison. Then they kiss God’s ass, also in unison. And God totally ignores everyone else and singles out Jesus:
110. And when God will say: “O Jesus, son of Mary, remember the favours I bestowed on you and your mother, and reinforced you with divine grace that you spoke to men when in the cradle, and when in the prime of life; when I taught you the law and the judgement and the Torah and the Gospel; when you formed the state of your people’s destiny out of mire and you breathed (a new spirit) into it, and they rose by My leave; when you healed the blind by My leave, and the leper ; when you put life into the dead by My will; and when I held back the children of Israel from you when you brought to them My signs, and the disbelievers among them said: “Surely these are nothing but pure magic.”
Then Jesus answers, “No. What the fuck are you talking about?” Ha! Can you imagine? Seriously, though, God’s big into reminding people about the favors he did for them. Not one of his best qualities, but then again, what is? Anyway, here’s some cool stuff that God tells Jesus he did, just in case Jesus forgot:
- He talked & preached even while in the cradle
- He knew the Torah and the Gospel
- He healed blind people and lepers
- He brought someone back to life
Yawn. Call me jaded, but I’m so not impressed. I’ve heard all of those before. But when I checked the Skeptic’s Annotated Quran, I noticed something different. Something that made me raise an eyebrow. I double-checked a couple of other translations, and guess what? Houston, we have a problem. And that problem’s name is Ahmed Ali. Check it out. Here’s the incriminating fragment:
…when you formed the state of your people’s destiny out of mire and you breathed (a new spirit) into it, and they rose by My leave…
Here’s the same fragment from Pickthall’s translation:
…and how thou didst shape of clay as it were the likeness of a bird by My permission, and didst blow upon it and it was a bird by My permission…
Get this: Jesus makes a Play-Doh bird, breathes on it. …and it turns into a real live bird. Double you. Tee. Eff. And for his next trick, Jesus pulls a silk handkerchief out of his pocket. But it just keeps coming and coming and coming! And then he saws Judah in half, but his legs keep moving! Even after he wheels the bottom half a foot away!! All the Jews were like, “Holy shit!” And Jesus was like, “Well you got half of that right!” and everyone laughed. The incredible Jesus, ladies and gentlemen! Yeah. He was pretty great. Moving right along:
111. And when I inspired the disciples (through Jesus) to believe in Me and My apostle, they said: “We believe, and You bear witness that we submit”
112. When the disciples said: “O Jesus, son of Mary, could your Lord send down for us a table laid with food?” he said: “Fear God, if indeed you believe.”
Let me get this straight. The disciples believe Jesus, but they don’t believe him believe him. So they ask Jesus to ask God to send some real, solid proof that he exists. And the real solid proof they request is a table of food? A table of fucking food? Are you kidding me? What the fuck kind of geniuses was Jesus hanging out with?
113. They said: “We should like to eat of it to reassure our hearts and to know that it’s the truth you have told us, and that we should be witness to it.”
Oh, OK, now I get it.
…no I don’t. What. The. Fuck? They had the opportunity to get some actual proof that God exists, and they ask for a table of food? What, the Play-Doh bird trick wasn’t enough? Oh, but hang on a sec, because it gets even better:
114. Said Jesus, son of Mary. “O God, our Lord, send down a table well laid out with food from the skies so that this day may be a day of feast for the earlier among us and the later, and a token from You. Give us our (daily) bread, for You are the best of all givers of food.”
That’s right: Jesus goes to God and asks for the table of Godfood for his lackeys! He actually fucking does it! And what does God do? Does he slap Jesus around? Does he strike his stupid hungry ass with some Godlightening? No. He gives Jesus the fucking food. But this is God we’re talking about, so it comes with a condition. Of course.
115. And said God: “I shall send it down to you; but if any of you disbelieve after this, I shall inflict such punishment on him as I never shall inflict on any other creature.”
Oh. Their. God. I died laughing. Then Jesus came over and brought me back to life, turned some balloons into bunnies and hats, and rode a unicycle around while I read on. Fuckin’ A. Seriously? Seriously?? God threatens to put a hurting on the disciples? Like he’s some common thug? Actually, wait, come to think of it, that’s exactly what he is, isn’t he?
116. And when God will ask: “O Jesus, son of Mary, did you say to mankind: ‘Worship me and my mother as two deities apart from God?’ (Jesus) will answer: “Halleluja. Could I say what I knew I had no right (to say)? Had I said it You would surely have known, for You know what is in my heart though I know not what You have. You alone know the secrets unknown.
Why is God asking whether Jesus told people to worship him and his mother? Isn’t God all-knowing? Shouldn’t he just accuse Jesus and then watch him squirm? Or, I don’t know, maybe since he’s God, he shouldn’t even need to accuse? Wasn’t he watching the whole time?
And also, God thinks the Trinity is God-Jesus-Mary? The fuck? The whole Trinity idea is so convoluted and far-fetched that I could totally see if someone was confused by it. But this is God. All-knowing, all-powerful, invented-the-fucking-universe God. And he doesn’t understand what the Trinity is? Dudes. If this is the guy at the helm, we are all so fucked.
117. I said nought to them but what You commanded me: Worship God, my Lord and your Lord. And so long as I dwelt with them I was witness over their actions. And after my life had been done, You were their keeper; and You are a witness over all things.
118. If You punish them, indeed they are Your creatures; if You pardon them, indeed You are mighty and wise.”
Holy shit. Jesus doesn’t even understand what the Trinity is! Or, wait, maybe he does understand, but he just doesn’t want to make God feel stupid. Jesus was nice like that. Or so the Christians say. Who really knows? Maybe he was an asshole. Maybe he was only using God for the free food and the ability to turn water into booze. I’m just saying.
Here’s the other (other other other other other) thing that’s really bugging me: Jesus says “after my life had been done.” The fuck? I thought Jesus’ life was never done. Remember back in chapter 3? When God levitated Jesus straight up to heaven and some other schmuck died on the cross? And the two of them were hanging out up there, eating grapes, sitting on couches, swimming in the cool, flowing streams? Now suddenly his life did end? Which one is it, God? And why can’t you keep your fucking story straight? Why? Whhhhhhy??
God doesn’t explain.
119. God will say: ‘This is the day when the truthful shall profit by their truthfulness. For them will be gardens with streams running by, where they will for ever abide.” God will accept them, and they will be gratified in (obeying) Him. This will surely be happiness supreme.
120. To God belongs all that is in the heavens and the earth, and His the power over everything.
He thinks happiness supreme is being gratified in obeying God? Um, no God. You want to know what happiness supreme is? Happiness supreme is winning the fucking lottery, taking the cash option, and buying a big beachside bungalow on an island where you can sit on a beach and sip margaritas all day. Icy cold margaritas. Blended, not on the rocks, with lots and lots of salt around the rim. That’s happiness supreme. Not kissing God’s ass all your life just so you can die and kiss his ass some more. Oh wait. I take that back. There are gardens with streams running by. And Jesus will be there pulling rabbits out of his hat. Well, shit, that changes everything, doesn’t it? Sign me the fuck up!
That’s all I have for chapter 5. Coming up next: chapter 6. Just as full of bullshit as chapter 5, only sixier. Whoo! Stay tuned.