4: The Women (Part III — Girls, girls, girls!)
I kept putting off this post, because every time I sat down to pound it out, I found some excuse to walk away from the keyboard. I did the laundry, I mopped the floors, I picked my nose, I rhythmically banged my head against a wall. Anything, anything but forcing myself to sit down and write about this.
The truth is that it makes my stomach turn thinking about this shit, and I tried to procrastinate on it for as long as possible. If I keep it up, though, we’ll be stuck on chapter 4 forfuckingever, and I will seriously lose my mind. And I’ll start talking to jinns and evil spirits that live in my toilet, and they’ll tell me to start my own religion. The last thing we need is Islam 2.0, people, so without further delay, let’s talk about women.
3. If you fear you cannot be equitable to orphan girls (in your charge, or misuse their persons), then marry women who are lawful for you, two, three, or four; but if you fear you cannot treat so many with equity, marry only one, or a maid or captive. This is better than being iniquitous.
…fuckshitandass. We’ve already discussed how 1 man is the equivalent of 2 women, but now a man is allowed to marry up to 4 wives? Doesn’t that kind of make 1 man equal to 4 women? What. The. Fuck?
I’ve read the Muslim apologists’ various explanations of this. God only intended this to be during times of war. He only meant that as a way to grow the Muslim population. He didn’t actually mean it like that at all, because he says you can only marry 4 if you treat them all totally equally and that’s impossible.
And then there’s my personal favorite: in the old times, people were ig’nant and they buried their baby girls (Allah forbids this, he’s so fucking great!). And nowadays, people in India and China have abortions when they find out they’re having girls. If none of that happened there would be waaaaay more girls than boys, and there wouldn’t be enough dick to go around. God is so kind; he’s giving all those poor women the chance to get laid! Besides, all women want to get married. And all women want to have sex with men. Praise Allah, he is so fucking fair and so fucking all-knowing!
That’s how they justify it. By saying that the only thing that keeps the human population roughly balanced is infanticide and abortion. If people stopped having abortions, the female population would explode. Women would overrun the streets. Where would we put them all? They’d be like rats, living in the sewers, eating out of the garbage. They’d be lurking around on every street corner, clutching bridal magazines to their bosoms. They’d travel in herds, following the scent of testosterone, ganging up on any man who left his house to check the mail. It would be absolute chaos!
The fuck? Why not go with the obvious? Why doesn’t God just pop more boy-clay in his EZ Bake Oven up in heaven? No, that would make too much sense, and if there’s one thing God hates, it’s logic. So what does he do? He make polygamy legal. He says men can marry up to 4 women, just so long as they have the money to provide for them. He’s a big fan of the It’s just so crazy it might work! ideas, but he’s Allah. He’s all-knowing and all-powerful, the fairest of the fair, so maybe he knows what he’s doing.
Or maybe, just maybe, Allah is a fucking pig. And Mohammed is a bigger fucking pig for bringing his demented hallucination to life.
Back to the verse at hand. The apologists argument goes something like this: see, God loves women, because he put limitations on how many you can marry. You can only marry four women at once if you can treat them exactly the same in every possible way, which is damn near impossible, so God really only wants you to marry one person. See how cool God is? He thought of everything! They’ll pair it up with another chapter 4 verse, wrap it up in a neat little package, and pat themselves on the back for their fucking cleverness.
129. Howsoever you may try you will never be able to treat your wives equally. But do not incline (to one) exclusively and leave (the other) suspended (as it were). Yet if you do the right thing and are just, God is verily forgiving and kind.
Yup. God just straight up says it: you will never be able to treat your wives equally. Does that prevent anyone from marrying up to 4 wives? I don’t know. But I do know that Mohammed himself had somewhere between 12 and 30 wives, including a 6 year old girl, depending on both how you define wife and who you ask. So, again, Mohammed: fucking pig.
There’s an interesting article on WikiIslam about those two verses. It explains why the apologetics’ position is a bunch of bullshit. But it does so by using hadith, which I happen to think are also a bunch of bullshit. Either way, it’s worth a read. The gist of it is this: if you’re only marrying the orphan girl because you want her inheritance and you’re trying to cheat her out of a fair dowry, don’t do it. Marry up to 4 other women, instead, and don’t marry more than you can afford. In short, it has little to do with emotionally caring for all 4 wives equally, and more to do with fiscal responsibility. God, the financial planner. How very grown up!
Verses 5 – 9 are chock full of awesome stuff. …I’m not being sarcastic, I promise. And thank goodness, too, because I was thisclose to popping a blood vessel. Here’s a quick breakdown of the good stuff: if you have orphans in your care, don’t use up their money. Take care of them and hand their inheritance over when they’re old enough to make decisions for themselves. Both men and woman are entitled to inheritance, and it’s smart to leave your loved ones provided for in the event of your death.
All good things, yes, but again, do you really need the Quran to tell you these things? If the only thing that’s keeping you from stealing an orphan’s inheritance is religion, something is seriously wrong with you. Regardless, credit where credit is due. Those verses are a couple of gold nuggets drowning in a sea of turds. And then we get to verse 11:
11. As for the children, God decrees that the share of the male is equivalent to that of two females.
That’s right. Yet again, women are worth 1/2 a man, this time quite literally, since we’re talking about money. Then it goes into a bunch of inheritance laws that were a huge pain in the ass to read. And since I had to read that shit, I’m going to post it and make you read it, too. I’m about as fair and just as God is, ya’ll:
- If you die, and you have more than two daughters and no sons, they get 2/3 of the inheritance to share between them.
If there is only 1 daughter, she gets 1/2.
- If you die, your parents will each get 1/6 of the inheritance.
If you die childless, however, your mother will get 1/3 of it.
Unless you have brothers, that is, in which case your mother will get 1/6.
This is the part where my eyes glazed over and I started giving sidelong glances to the two Battlestar Galactica DVDs sitting on the counter, still sealed in their Netflix envelopes, taunting me mercilessly.
- If your wife dies childless, you get 1/2 of the inheritance.
If she had kids, you get 1/4 of it.
- If you die childless, on the other hand, your wife gets 1/4 of the inheritance.
And if you had kids, she only get 1/8 of it. Sucks to be her.
- If your parents are already dead, and you don’t have kids, but you do have siblings, they each get 1/6 of the inheritance.
If there are more siblings than there are pieces of the pie, they all get to squabble over 1/3 of the estate.
Oh, sweet lawsie mercy. It just went on and on and fucking on, didn’t it? And that’s my pared down version. Try reading it in Godspeak. God is great this, fear God that, merciful, kind, blah blah blah. And to top it off, he sneaks in this little gem:
6. God does not wish to impose any hardship on you.
Are you fucking kidding me? When I read that my head exploded. I had to abrogate it with a newer, better head just to keep reading.
Not that I want to prolong thinking about this any further, but I do have a question that’s bugging me. Hypothetically speaking, lets say I’m a Muslim woman, and my husband dies. He has no children, no siblings, and his parents are dead. And, just for fun, let’s kill off his aunts, uncles, and cousins, too. Do I still get only 1/4 of the inheritance? If so, who gets the other 3/4? God? Mohammed? The local mosque? The gubb’ment?
And who decides where that 3/4 goes, anyway? It doesn’t really say in the Quran, and last time I checked, Mohammed’s been dead for a couple of years now, so we can’t ask him. …unless we can get our hands on a perfect yellow cow. You guys start looking, I’ll keep reading.
15. If any of your women is guilty of unnatural offence, bring four of your witnesses to give evidence; if they testify against them, retain them in the houses until death overtakes them or God provides some other way for them.
The fuck? It says the woman is guilty before the witnesses are even gathered together to give evidence! Forget innocent until proven guilty. This is more like guilty, but find 4 witnesses for bureaucracy’s sake. God is indeed most-merciful, most fair.
Also, unnatural offense? As opposed to a natural offense? Where does natural defense fit in with all of this? What the fuck is God blabbing about now? Sex, that’s what. Unnatural sex. Girl on girl action. It’s unnatural; contrary to nature.
…holy fucking shit, ya’ll. Nobody told God about the bonobos. And the dolphins, and the male big horn sheep, and the bees, and the bottlenose dolphins, and the walruses, and the rest of the over 450 other animal species that engage in good old fashioned same-sex sex. Someone clue that asshat in: gay sex is as fucking natural as nature itself.
16. If two (men) among you are guilty of such acts then punish both of them. But if they repent and reform, let them be, for God accepts repentance and is merciful.
Yep: if two men have sex in the privacy of their own home, they should be punished. It doesn’t say anything about more than two men committing such an act, so if you’re having gay sex, play it safe: make it an orgy. I imagine we’ll come across that ominous sounding punishment sooner or later. Might as well make it sooner:
2. The adulteress and adulterer should be flogged a hundred lashes each, and no pity for them should deter you from the law of God, if you believe in God and the Last Day; and the punishment should be witnessed by a body of believers.
As I read this book, one thought keeps popping into my head: cui bono? Who benefits from this? Who benefits from publicly lashing two adults whose only crime is having consensual sex? Who benefits from permanently locking up a woman for having sex before marriage? Cui fucking bono? My honest answer is this: I don’t know. I don’t know what the fuck they were thinking then, and I certainly don’t know what the fuck they’re thinking now. Or, hell, maybe I’ve stumbled onto the problem right there: maybe they’re not thinking.
Also, 100 lashes? I thought they stoned people for adultery. I looked it up in the index of my Quran: there is nothing listed under stoning. The fuck? I know this shit happens: do a Google image search if you have the stomach for it. I know stoning is in the Old Testament, but if it’s not in the Quran, why do some countries still do it? You think they’d be using it as evidence that God 3.0 is vastly superior to God 1.0, and that the Quran wins because it’s so much more humane. (I actually kind of gagged typing that last sentence. Humane and Quran should never be used in the same sentence. Ack. I did it again.)
I took to the internets to find out what’s up. This is from an Islamic site:
In the Kuwaiti Encyclopedia of Islamic Jurisprudence, we read the following: Ibn Qudamah wrote: “Muslim jurists are unanimous on the fact stoning to death is a specified punishment for married adulterer and adulteress. The punishment is recorded in number of traditions and the practice of the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) stands as an authentic source supporting it. This is the view held by all Companions, Successors and other Muslim scholars with the exception of Kharijites.”
and this, too:
Finally, we would like to note that there are many incidents in the Sunnah and the life of the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) in which the Prophet stoned the married adulterer and adulteress to death. This happened in the case of Ma`iz and the Ghamidi woman. All this makes it clear that the punishment is proven and authentic and is not debatable.
Ahh of course, the practice and tradition of the fucking prophet. Hadith. Mohammed fucking did it: he fucking stoned people to death for having sex. And for all the bile he spewed forth about how horrible the Jews were, he had no problem stealing and plagiarizing from the Old Testament whenever it suited him. He was a fucking lunatic who hallucinated that a horse flew him up for a tour of heaven, and people ate that shit up. And even today, these idiots are saying if it’s good enough for Mohammed, dadgummit, it’s good enough for me! Pass me a fucking stone!
That’s it. That’s all I have to say about chapter 4. I’m sure there’s more than enough in there to discuss.
I want to end on a positive note, mostly just for my own benefit. I’m so worked up right now that I’m having a hard time walking away. So to lighten the mood, here’s something I bet most of you don’t know: for the first 40 days after your mom got knocked up, you were neither male nor female. You were kind of both. Or neither, depending on how you look at it. Your sex is determined at the moment of fertilization, yes, but you remain unisex for 40 days. You also have a tail and are indistinguishable from a chicken embryo, but that’s beside the point.
I found that one fact so interesting, that even 7 years after that particular college lecture, I can still close my eyes and see my professor saying it. I remember sitting there marveling at the idea that we all started out exactly the same. I’d never paused to give it thought before: we’re different, yes, but are we really all that different? For the first 40 days, we’re all at level zero. I’m not really sure where I was going with that, but it’s an idea that still moves me; one I thought was worth sharing in a post that focuses almost entirely on women.
Coming up next, chapter 5. More silly dietary laws, more Jew-bashing, and more Jeebux! Stay tuned.