3: The Family of Imran (Part I — I guess jihad to be there)
I wasn’t going to write about violence in the Quran until much later. There’s so much more to the Quran than that: obstruction of women’s rights, hellfire and damnation, Jew bashing, jinns and demons, plagiarized Christian mythology. The fun never ends! Unfortunately for us, there are a lot of verses in chapter 3 that justify jihad — even glamorize jihad — if read a certain way. And by a certain way, I mean literally, which is really fucking scary. I’m sorry, folks, there’s no way around it: lets talk jihad.
Let me start off by saying that chapter 3 is really, really poorly named. There’s hardly any talk of family at all. Hell, there’s hardly any talk of Imran at all, but there is plenty of war. And a lot of God is mercifuls and God is greats. The first 6 verses are basically God jacking himself off, talking about how amazing he is. He comes across as so needy and desperate for attention; it’s the worst fucking case of only child syndrome I have ever witnessed. Mo must have had a lot on his mind when these verses were written. Some people loved him, but a lot more people hated him. It’s enough to make anyone insecure. Even God!
144. Muhammad is only a messenger; and many a messenger has gone before him. So what if he dies or is killed! Will you turn back and go away in haste? But he who turns back and goes away in haste will do no harm to God.
God is rubber, you are glue. It bounces off him and blasts your ass straight to hell where you will writhe in agony forever. Anyway, what if Mohammed dies or is killed? Can’t God just *poof* bring him back? Or put a magical God-shield around him so he can’t get hurt? Is he all-powerful and all-wise? Or is he the kid at the playground who gets pissed off, takes his ball, and goes home? …and then finds a nice neighborhood cat to torture?
28. Those who believe should not take unbelievers as their friends in preference to those who believe — and whoever does so should have no (expectations) of God — unless to safeguard yourselves against them. But God commands you to beware of Him, for to God you will journey in the end. 118. O believers, do not make others except your own people your confidants. They will spare no effort to ruin you: They surely desire your annihilation. Hate is on their tongues, and what they hide in their hearts is worse. We have shown you the signs if you have sense. 119. Just think! You hold them as your friends but they do not, even though you believe in all the Scriptures. When they meet you they say: “We believe;” but when they are alone they bite their fingers in rage. Say: “Die of your rage. God is aware of the secrets of the hearts.”
Everyone hates Mo, so what does he do? He tells his followers that they can’t be friends with anyone who isn’t part of his clique. He tells them that the others are scheming to destroy them, and he tells them to sever ties with anyone who isn’t Muslim. That’s right: he creates Scientology. I kid, I kid. I shouldn’t pick on Scientology. It’s like kicking a dead horse. A dead horse that had Down’s syndrome.
20. And tell the people of the Book and the Arabs: “Do you submit?” If they do, they will find the right path; if they turn away, your duty is to deliver the message.
If they turn away, your duty is to deliver the message? Huh? Why not say, “OK, your loss,” and move on to the next guy? Shit. Heaven must be desperate for souls. I guess the couches and the grapes and the boy-servants weren’t that appealing after all.
110. Of all the communities raised among men you are the best, enjoining the good, forbidding the wrong, and believing in God.
God stops jacking himself off for a second so he can jack off the Arabs, and then springs this shit on them:
157. If you are killed in the cause of God or you die, the forgiveness and mercy of God are better than all that you amass.
169. Never think that those who are killed in the way of God are dead. They are alive, getting succour from their Lord, 170. Rejoicing at what God has given them of His grace, and happy for those who are trying to overtake them but have not joined them yet, and who will have no fear or regret.
195. The Lord heard their prayer and answered: “I suffer not the good deeds of any to go waste, be he a man or a woman: The one of you is of the other. And those who were deprived of their homes or banished in My cause, and who fought and were killed, I shall blot out their sins and admit them indeed into gardens with rippling streams.” — A recompense from God, and the best of rewards is with God.
Woah woah woah woah woah. Woah. Woooooah. Woah. Lets take this one at a time, shall we?
- Die for God’s cause and you get the gold fucking star. All your sins are dismissed, and all your base are belong to God.
- If you know someone who dies for God’s cause, don’t worry. They’re not really dead; they’re with God. *Wink wink*
- What happens if you get banished from your home or it gets destroyed while you’re furthering God’s cause? You get a free ticket to heaven! Yes, that heaven. The garden with the goddammed streams.
It really is that simple: Hate the nonbelievers? Lets convert them! They refuse to convert? Lets make em do it anyway! They want to kill us? Sign me up, where’s my free ticket to heaven?
You know what? I don’t have anything stupid or sarcastic to say about that. I’m at a loss for words, and I assure you, that is rare. I think every atheist, at some point or another, asks herself, “What if I’m wrong?” And then I read bullshit like this in the holy book of a religion that claims to be all about peace and tolerance.
It makes me thank God that he doesn’t exist.