We read the Quran so you don’t have to.

3: The Family of Imran (Part I — I guess jihad to be there)

with 13 comments

I wasn’t going to write about violence in the Quran until much later.  There’s so much more to the Quran than that:  obstruction of women’s rights, hellfire and damnation, Jew bashing, jinns and demons, plagiarized Christian mythology.  The fun never ends! Unfortunately for us, there are a lot of verses in chapter 3 that justify jihad — even glamorize jihad — if read a certain way.  And by a certain way, I mean literally, which is really fucking scary.  I’m sorry, folks, there’s no way around it:  lets talk jihad.

Let me start off by saying that chapter 3 is really, really poorly named.  There’s hardly any talk of family at all.  Hell, there’s hardly any talk of Imran at all, but there is plenty of war.  And a lot of God is mercifuls and God is greats.  The first 6 verses are basically God jacking himself off, talking about how amazing he is.  He comes across as so needy and desperate for attention; it’s the worst fucking case of only child syndrome I have ever witnessed. Mo must have had a lot on his mind when these verses were written.  Some people loved him, but a lot more people hated him.  It’s enough to make anyone insecure.  Even God!

144. Muhammad is only a messenger; and many a messenger has gone before him. So what if he dies or is killed! Will you turn back and go away in haste? But he who turns back and goes away in haste will do no harm to God.

God is rubber, you are glue.  It bounces off him and blasts your ass straight to hell where you will writhe in agony forever.  Anyway, what if Mohammed dies or is killed?  Can’t God just *poof* bring him back?  Or put a magical God-shield around him so he can’t get hurt?  Is he all-powerful and all-wise?  Or is he the kid at the playground who gets pissed off, takes his ball, and goes home?  …and then finds a nice neighborhood cat to torture?

28. Those who believe should not take unbelievers as their friends in preference to those who believe — and whoever does so should have no (expectations) of God — unless to safeguard yourselves against them. But God commands you to beware of Him, for to God you will journey in the end. 118. O believers, do not make others except your own people your confidants. They will spare no effort to ruin you: They surely desire your annihilation. Hate is on their tongues, and what they hide in their hearts is worse. We have shown you the signs if you have sense. 119. Just think! You hold them as your friends but they do not, even though you believe in all the Scriptures. When they meet you they say: “We believe;” but when they are alone they bite their fingers in rage. Say: “Die of your rage. God is aware of the secrets of the hearts.”

Everyone hates Mo, so what does he do?  He tells his followers that they can’t be friends with anyone who isn’t part of his clique.  He tells them that the others are scheming to destroy them, and he tells them to sever ties with anyone who isn’t Muslim.  That’s right:  he creates Scientology. I kid, I kid.  I shouldn’t pick on Scientology.  It’s like kicking a dead horse.  A dead horse that had Down’s syndrome.

20. And tell the people of the Book and the Arabs: “Do you submit?” If they do, they will find the right path; if they turn away, your duty is to deliver the message.

If they turn away, your duty is to deliver the message? Huh?  Why not say, “OK, your loss,” and move on to the next guy?  Shit.  Heaven must be desperate for souls.  I guess the couches and the grapes and the boy-servants weren’t that appealing after all.

110. Of all the communities raised among men you are the best, enjoining the good, forbidding the wrong, and believing in God.

God stops jacking himself off for a second so he can jack off the Arabs, and then springs this shit on them:

157. If you are killed in the cause of God or you die, the forgiveness and mercy of God are better than all that you amass.

169. Never think that those who are killed in the way of God are dead. They are alive, getting succour from their Lord, 170. Rejoicing at what God has given them of His grace, and happy for those who are trying to overtake them but have not joined them yet, and who will have no fear or regret.

195. The Lord heard their prayer and answered: “I suffer not the good deeds of any to go waste, be he a man or a woman: The one of you is of the other. And those who were deprived of their homes or banished in My cause, and who fought and were killed, I shall blot out their sins and admit them indeed into gardens with rippling streams.” — A recompense from God, and the best of rewards is with God.

Woah woah woah woah woah.  Woah.  Woooooah.  Woah.  Lets take this one at a time, shall we?

  • Die for God’s cause and you get the gold fucking star.  All your sins are dismissed, and all your base are belong to God.
  • If you know someone who dies for God’s cause, don’t worry.  They’re not really dead; they’re with God.  *Wink wink*
  • What happens if you get banished from your home or it gets destroyed while you’re furthering God’s cause?  You get a free ticket to heaven!  Yes, that heaven. The garden with the goddammed streams.

It really is that simple:  Hate the nonbelievers?  Lets convert them!  They refuse to convert?  Lets make em do it anyway!  They want to kill us?  Sign me up, where’s my free ticket to heaven?

You know what?  I don’t have anything stupid or sarcastic to say about that.  I’m at a loss for words, and I assure you, that is rare.  I think every atheist, at some point or another, asks herself, “What if I’m wrong?”  And then I read bullshit like this in the holy book of a religion that claims to be all about peace and tolerance.

It makes me thank God that he doesn’t exist.


Written by kafirgirl

July 12, 2008 at 7:13 am

Posted in Quran

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13 Responses

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  1. Kafirgirl,

    I found your blog as a link from the Atheist Experience blogsite. Your comments are some of the most fascinating stuff I’ve read in quite a while. Keep up the good work.

    I just read A Thousand Spendid Suns by Khaled Hosseini. The brutal treatment of women in that story completely appalled me (lots of beatings, psychological abuse, betrayals, burkas, etc.). I’m sure many readers would be interested in any personal stories you might have regarding the treatment of women in the islamic world.

    Johnny Cache

    July 12, 2008 at 9:11 pm

  2. Great article!
    2 points for the “I guess jihad to be there” phrase alone.
    I think you’ve pointed out a really clear example about how religious institutions foster a split between the saved and the blasphemous.
    “28. Those who believe should not take unbelievers as their friends in preference to those who believe — and whoever does so should have no (expectations) of God — unless to safeguard yourselves against them.”
    Having these sorts of ideological mindsets in a heterogeneous community leads to divisiveness and alienation from one another. These ancient tribalist views will never lead to progress, but will lead us all down a path to violence and hatred.

    Joe McCraw

    July 12, 2008 at 9:50 pm

  3. Hi Johnny Cache, thank you so much for the kind words. I don’t know if it’s my commentary that’s fascinating or just the subject matter itself. Either way, I have over 100 chapters to go, so there will be plenty coming. I’ve been meaning to pick up A Thousand Splendid Suns — loved Kite Runner — but I’ve got my hands full with reading material right now.

    Hmmm brutal treatment of women. Fortunately I don’t have any personal stories. The closest I have come to that side of Islam is when an honor rape victim from a small village in Pakistan came on a speaking tour in the U.S. It was that big case from a few years ago — she was raped by a group of men because her brother had been accused of being inappropriate with a woman. She sued the government and won a big settlement, and she used the money to start up a girls’ school.

    My family somehow knew the woman who arranged to have the speaking tour. She was a Pakistani atheist married to some white guy, and I remember thinking she was positively scandalous and amazing at the time.

    For the record, I think the biggest source of psychological abuse is the Quran itself. Imagine believing in a God who tells you that you are 1/2 a human, and gives the green light for your husband to beat you or lock you up in your home for the rest of your life (under “certain” circumstances, the Muslims will argue). I’m sure I’ll come across those verses sooner or later.

    Joe McCraw, you, sir, have hit the nail on the head. And you did it without saying shit and fuck, so you win!


    July 13, 2008 at 2:27 am

  4. Kafirgirl,

    Well, the subject matter is definitely interesting, but I find your perspective, wit, humor, and overall writing style to be very engaging.

    As a midwestern American, I have plenty to say about christian nonsense, but until I started reading your posts on the quran, I knew little or nothing about it. 100 chapters is a lot to read and blog about, but I’m going to settle in and keep up with your progress.

    Joe McGraw said: “Having these sorts of ideological mindsets in a heterogeneous community leads to divisiveness and alienation from one another. These ancient tribalist views will never lead to progress, but will lead us all down a path to violence and hatred.”

    I also couldn’t agree more. I guess I should apologize in advance for my next comment in case it creates a big off-topic dust-up, but what you said sounds just exactly like George W. Bush/Dick Cheny politics.

    Johnny Cache

    July 13, 2008 at 2:59 pm

  5. “Die for God’s cause and you get the gold fucking star. All your sins are dismissed, and all your base are belong to God.”

    Reminder to self: Do not read this blog while drinking, could cause instant laughter resulting in spewed drink all over laptop.

    I love this blog.


    July 13, 2008 at 3:14 pm

  6. “God is rubber, you are glue.”

    Ah ah ah. I love when someone quote THAT game.
    You’re the second funniest person I’ve ever read!
    Keep doing this damn good job.The world needs it.


    July 14, 2008 at 1:49 pm

  7. Kafir Girl: “He comes across as so needy and desperate for attention; it’s the worst fucking case of only child syndrome I have ever witnessed.”

    Wait, only-children are supposed to be spoiled, selfish brats, aren’t they?. I’m no pop psychologist but wouldn’t that be “middle-child syndrome”?. I thought they were the ones hungry for approval and love. ‘Cause, y’know, everyone was too busy being proud of Bill getting into Oxford and adorable little Ginny starting kindergarten soon to notice poor Ron: “Wow, you went from 7th grade to 8th grade, well, that TOTALLY is a special occasion” “Seriously, la-de-freakin’-da, wake us up when you do something that’s at least worth going out to Denny’s.”

    No, don’t look at me like that, I’m a first-born out of two. It’s not that I have issues(well, not in that area), that’s only how I thought that particular cliché was supposed to work. :P

    P.S.: Not that I don’t greatly enjoy the blog but, could you please stop mentioning the boy-servants?. When you’re a shy, boyfriend-less student with no social life at the moment, it’s hard not to be tempted by Mo’ & Co if the prize is that awesome.

    So what if Muslim heaven sounds basically just like a mixture of Martha Stewart’s backyard and a Jamba Juice with a fruit salad bar?. If I get to be served by guys who look like Daniel Radcliffe and Elijah Wood, I say sign me the hell up. =D

    I’ll refrain from buying prayer mats and looking up wherever the ass Mecca is… for now. But I warn you, I have Google Maps bookmarked. If you insist in talking about ephebic attendants in the afterlife, I can’t promise I won’t give in and find out where the nearest mosque is. I’m just saying. ^_^

    Keep up the good work and sorry for boring you and cluttering up your comments section.


    July 19, 2008 at 12:23 pm

  8. Adrael, you’re so right. Maybe I subconsciously tried to blame it on only child syndrome because I’m a middle child. Eep! Also, Bill, Ginny and Ron? High five! I see you’re a Harry Potter nerd, too, huh?

    You bring up an interesting hypothetical question. So say a young man goes to a mosque and openly tells them that he’s gay. He wants to repent for all his sins and he wants to live a pious, Muslim life so he can get into heaven and cash in on the eternal orgy with beautiful boys. Would they accept him? Or would the whole thing just freak them out? I mean, it’s in the book. Clearly it was an issue that warranted explanation back then. Plus, it says over and over in the Quran that if someone repents, they should be forgiven.


    July 19, 2008 at 5:58 pm

  9. Kafir Girl: ” Also, Bill, Ginny and Ron? High five! I see you’re a Harry Potter nerd, too, huh?”

    Wha…? I… No! haha I dunno what you’re talki… Harry who?… aw, crap, what gave me away, was it “Ron,” it was, wasn’t it? damn it. Plus, me lusting after Radcliffe couldn’t have helped either. But I take offense at being called a nerd. I am a “geek”, Madam, geek, I tells ya!.

    Concerning the other issue… yeah, I wasn’t really planning on coming out to my imam, I just figured I’d talk the talk while I kept, if you’ll forgive my crassness, “fucking the fuck.” =D As Pascal’s Brilliant and Totally Iron-Clad Wager tells us, you just gotta say you believe in that shit, no one said anything about having to mean it, right?.

    In the day I’d be all like “There is no God but Allah and Muhammad is his prophet” and come sundown it’s “1/2 Off Margarita Night” at “Really Long John Silver’s Shack”, w00t. Who would find out? it’s not like Muslims are Legilimen… um, I mean mind-readers. I dunno, I haven’t thought about it that much, I still can’t stop thinking about the twink slaves.


    July 20, 2008 at 5:28 am

  10. Here is the Hadith related to ayat 3.144
    Volume 5, Book 57, Number 19:
    Narrated ‘Aisha:

    “……..When Abu Bakr spoke, ‘Umar sat down. Abu Bakr praised and glorified Allah and said, No doubt! Whoever worshipped Muhammad, then Muhammad is dead, but whoever worshipped Allah, then Allah is Alive and shall never die.” Then he recited Allah’s Statement.:– “(O Muhammad) Verily you will die, and they also will die.” (39.30) He also recited:–

    “Muhammad is no more than an Apostle; and indeed many Apostles have passed away, before him, If he dies Or is killed, will you then Turn back on your heels? And he who turns back On his heels, not the least Harm will he do to Allah And Allah will give reward to those Who are grateful.” (3.144)”


    July 22, 2008 at 4:27 am

  11. Volume 5, Book 59, Number 733:
    Narrated ‘Aisha:

    Abu Bakr came from his house at As-Sunh on a horse. He dismounted and entered the Mosque, but did not speak to the people till he entered upon ‘Aisha and went straight to Allah’s Apostle who was covered with Hibra cloth (i.e. a kind of Yemenite cloth). He then uncovered the Prophet’s face and bowed over him and kissed him and wept, saying, “Let my father and mother be sacrificed for you. By Allah, Allah will never cause you to die twice. As for the death which was written for you, has come upon you.”

    Narrated Ibn ‘Abbas: Abu Bakr went out while Umar bin Al-Khattab was talking to the people. Abu Bakr said, “Sit down, O ‘Umar!” But ‘Umar refused to sit down. So the people came to Abu Bakr and left Umar. Abu Bakr said, “To proceed, if anyone amongst you used to worship Muhammad , then Muhammad is dead, but if (anyone of) you used to worship Allah, then Allah is Alive and shall never die. Allah said:–“Muhammad is no more than an Apostle, and indeed (many) apostles have passed away before him..(till the end of the Verse )……Allah will reward to those who are thankful.” (3.144) [i]By Allah, it was as if the people never knew that Allah had revealed this Verse before till Abu Bakr recited it and all the people received it from him, and I heard everybody reciting it (then). [/i]

    So, did Allah reveal ayat 3.144 to Prophet Abu Bakr????


    July 22, 2008 at 4:41 am

  12. Best. Post. Title. EVER.

    Chaucer's Bitch

    August 5, 2008 at 8:31 am

  13. kafirgirl: So say a young man goes to a mosque and openly tells them that he’s gay.

    First up, I mean no offence. But the practice of kneeling down and showing your posterior to person behind you during Namaaz is something i find grotesque. It is as good as saying, cm’on allah, screw me, I am following your scriptures so here I offer my ass to you.

    No wonder Mohammed offered gay pleasures in heaven. Mo says : Fantasize during Namaaz and practice in heaven. :))


    August 14, 2008 at 1:41 am

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