KafirGirl

We read the Quran so you don’t have to.

2: The Cow (Part II — Women suck. And Jews suck, too.)

with 24 comments

I was taught that the Quran is the most beautiful thing ever written. It moves men to tears, converts unbelievers on the spot, and has all the answers to all of life’s problems. With that kind of hype, I thought I would be emotionally moved by something in the book. I wasn’t expecting the clouds to part and the light of God to come shining through or anything. At the very least, I thought I would go “Oooooh aaaaaaah” at some verse.

Let me explain. I’m not a touchy feely emotional type of person, but I recently watched Wall-E, and it made me cry. It’s an animated movie where the main characters are not people and don’t really talk much, and it fucking made me cry. The “biting my knuckles to hold the sobs back so the guy next to me doesn’t laugh” kind of cry. And it still gives me the warm fuzzies when I think about it. It moved me.

The Quran, so far, has done nothing of the sort. All it’s done is make me feel bad for people like my parents; people who believe in this crap because they were born in a predominantly Muslim area and because they were taught that even having internal doubts about the book would send them straight to hell. And then I read all this shit about women and Jews, and it makes me sick. Some of it makes me laugh, because God comes off as a total dipshit, but most of it makes me angry. So much for being moved. Pixar 1, God 0.

Let’s talk about women, shall we?

228. Women also have recognized rights as men have, though men have an edge over them.

That edge is called a penis, and the only time I was jealous of it was when on a road trip with a back seat full of empty soda bottles and a very full bladder. True story.  I will be the first to admit that men do have an edge over women when it comes to peeing.  Anyway, if the message isn’t clear enough for you:

282. But if two men are not available, then a man and two women you approve, so that in case one of them is confused the other may remind her.

That’s right: one woman is equal to half a man. And, unlike men, women get “confused”.  But what’s even better than the verse itself is the footnote added by Ahmed Ali. I left the grammar as is:

In no other place in the Quran two women have been suggested as witnesses except here, because this is a case of a special transaction and women, not being adepts at business, were more likely to get confused than men.

Women are not adept at business? Whaaaaaa? Mohammed’s first wife, Khadijah, inherited her father’s merchant business, which she ran and managed by herself before he met her. Ahmed Ali kind of makes Mohammed look like a jealous little bitch, doesn’t he?  Meh.  Maybe I’m just biased because I work for a great company with an amazing female CEO and female VPs, but…..wait, what were we talking about? I got confused.

223. Women are like fields for you; so seed them as you intend, but plan the future in advance.

The pull & pray method — God’s recommended birth control! I kid, I kid. In all seriousness, this verse made me really sad. I looked up other translations that say “Women are like fields for you, till them as you will.”  Ouch.  Ahmed Ali is a total pussy for using the much more euphemistic “seed them as you intend.”  If there was any doubt as to whether this book was written by men for men, this is proof right here.

222. They ask you about menstruation. Tell them: “This is a period of stress. So keep away from women in this state till they are relieved of it. When they are free of it, you may go to them as God has enjoined. For God loves those who seek pardon, and those who are clean.”

Menstruating women are unclean. They can’t pray, fast, or even touch a Quran, because, uh…well I don’t really know why.  I could understand if maybe they weren’t allowed to touch the Quran with their bloody lady bits.  Nobody wants to see that happen.  God also doesn’t want to see anyone having sex with menstruating ladies. But you can’t do ‘em up the butt either, as this next verse hints:

189. They ask you of the new moons. Say: “These are periods set for men (to reckon) time, and for pilgrimage.” Piety does not lie in entering the house through the back door, for the pious man is he who follows the straight path. Enter the house through the main gate, and obey God.

Oh. Their. God. I died laughing. You can’t make shit like this up! Oh, wait. I guess you can. Check out Ahmed Ali’s footnote on this verse:

It means the same thing as is meant by the English expressed “through the back door,” i.e. clandestinely. Here it has more than one implication, as the verse deals with the new moon and reckoning “periods,” e.g. the period of fasting, a women’s monthly courses, etc.

Hot damn. Anal sex in the Quran!  I wonder if the Imams skip over these passages.

Credit where credit is due: there are some good verses in the Quran about divorce. Verses 229-235 tell a man what not to do in the event of a divorce: don’t take all her money, don’t ditch out on your kids, set aside some money so your wife & kids aren’t royally screwed if you die, and don’t stop your ex from marrying someone else. God must be merciful and benevolent.

Except when it comes to Jews, of course.

96. You will see they are covetous of life more than other men, even more than those who practice idolatry. Each one of them desires to live a thousand years, although longevity will never save them from punishment, for God sees all they do.

Jews love life and want to live to be 1000 years old.  Moses only lived to be 950 years old in the Quran. I wonder if he was like, “Screw you, God, I want another 50 years! Put me back!” As a sidenote, I’m not Jewish, but I do wish I could live to be a thousand. That’s just long enough but not so long that you get bored.  I also wish I could fly, leap over buildings, dodge bullets, and look fabulous in a spandex body suit, but that’s probably just me.

This whole notion of unbelievers — that’s Jews, Christians, pagans, and us heathens — loving life so much pops up in other places:

212. Enamoured are the unbelievers of the life of this world, and scoff at the faithful.

Shit, he got that one right; at least when it comes to the heathens. Most of the atheists I know genuinely enjoy life. They realize it’s the only one they have and that their days are numbered. Might as well live it up, right? I don’t see why that gets God’s panties all in a bunch.

40. O children of Israel, remember the favours I bestowed on you. So keep your pledge to Me, and I will mine to you, and be fearful of Me,
41. And believe in what I have sent down which verifies what is already with you; and do not be the first to deny it, nor part with it for little gain; and beware of Me.

Beware of him is right. He’s like a loan shark, this guy. Read the following in a Don Corleone voice:

47. Remember, O children of Israel, the favours I bestowed on you, and made you exalted among the nations of the world.

49. Remember, We saved you from the Pharaoh’s people who wronged and oppressed you and slew your sons but spared your women: In this was a great favour from your Lord.
50. Remember, We parted the sea and saved you, and drowned the men of Pharaoh before your very eyes.
51. Yet, remember, as We communed with Moses for forty nights you took the calf in his absence (and worshipped it), and you did wrong.
52. Even so, We pardoned you that you may be grateful.

Creepy, right?

55. Remember, when you said to Moses: “We shall not believe in you until we see God face to face,” lightning struck you as you looked.
56. Even then We revived you after you had become senseless that you might give thanks;
57. And made the cloud spread shade over you, and sent for you manna and quails that you may eat of the good things We have made for you. No harm was done to Us, they only harmed themselves.

He struck the Jews with lightning, and then revived them…just so they would thank him? What a guy!  In all honesty, though, if I asked God to meet face to face and he struck me with lightning, revived me, gave me manna and quail…I’d probably still ask to see his actual face.

58. And remember, We said to you: “Enter this city, eat wherever you like, as much as you please, but pass through the gates in humility and say: ‘May our sins be forgiven.’ We shall forgive your trespasses and give those who do good abundance.
59. But the wicked changed and perverted the word We had spoken to a word distorted, and We sent from heaven retribution on the wicked, for they disobeyed.
60. And remember, when Moses asked for water for his people, We told him to strike the rock with his staff, and behold, twelve springs of gushing water gushed forth so that each of the tribes came to know its place of drinking. Eat and drink, (enjoy) God’s gifts, and spread no discord in the land.
61. Remember, when you said: “O Moses, we are tired of eating the same food (day after day), ask your Lord to give us fruits of the earth, herbs and cucumbers, grains and lentils and onions;” he said: “Would you rather exchange what is good with what is bad? Go then to the city, you shall have what you ask.” So they were disgraced and became indigent, earning the anger of God, for they disbelieved the word of God, and slayed the prophets unjustly, for they transgressed and rebelled.

Slayed the prophets? Plural? Maybe I need to do a little more research, because I have no idea who all he could be talking about.  I like how it says the Jews earned God’s anger as opposed to God becoming angry at the Jews.  Blame shifting!

Obviously God has a fucked up relationship with the Jews. They were ungrateful and complained a lot, and he was jealous and demanding.  The Jews keep trying to leave with the golden calf, but God lures them back in with quails and manna and lentils and grains and cucumbers. Who could resist that?! But then when they cheat on him again, he gets pissed. Sometimes he even slaps them around a little. But then he feels bad and gives them herbs or onions, and it’s all OK.

Know what I think? I think maybe instead of trying to buy the Jews’ love, he could have spent a little time with them in person. These long distance things never really work out for very long.

The bottom line: God loves you whole heartedly and thinks you’re all equal….as long as you’re a Muslim man.

Coming up next: Heaven. Don’t get too excited. There’s not much to discuss.

Written by kafirgirl

July 10, 2008 at 1:44 am

Posted in Quran

Tagged with

24 Responses

Subscribe to comments with RSS.

  1. Haha, great writing, I enjoyed reading this very much.

    nakattack

    July 10, 2008 at 1:49 pm

  2. I’ve heard that there are cute boys in heaven too? I can’t wait till the next post, I’m so excited…..

    Pink

    July 10, 2008 at 3:28 pm

  3. Apparently Pixar answered the challenge from chapter 1. Nice.

    Philip

    July 14, 2008 at 6:35 am

  4. Heya Philip, the challenge is in chapter 2. It’s so fucking long and covers practically everything. Yiish. We’re almost out of that hole. Anyway, yeah, I was just fucking fine with the message in Pixar, and the way they conveyed that message. I’ll even go see it again in a few weeks. And I’ll buy it on DVD when it comes out. Pixar totally wins in my book, and they didn’t try to sell me a god or anything!

    kafirgirl

    July 14, 2008 at 11:42 am

  5. “Slayed the prophets? Plural? Maybe I need to do a little more research, because I have no idea who all he could be talking about. I like how it says the Jews earned God’s anger as opposed to God becoming angry at the Jews.”

    But y God didnt come to the rescue of his Prophets? The fact that God didnt protect then-doesnt it vindicate the Jews position that these were false Prophets? God becoming angry? Looks like holy shit from hindu lore. Getting angry is human weakness. Is God a human then?

    Another point.Amidst all the Jew-bashing in Quran, one might miss out on ayats 7:157/158. From Maulana Maududi’s tafsir on these verses, we learn that Jews had racial prejudice towards Arabs and called them ummis (illiterates).http://www.tafheem.net/main.html

    Now, if “ummi” was a racially prejudiced terms used by Jews, then why Allah uses that term for Muhammad in verses 7:157/158? Was Allah a Jew????

    Anand

    July 21, 2008 at 3:18 am

  6. i CANT wunder sometimes:

    Why Lord didnt incarnate as a woman and reveal Bhagavad Gita to Hindus?

    Why Jesus/Muhammad/Moses werent ladies?

    Truth is that Hinduism, Islam and Christianity are not merely male-dominated/patriarchial. They are “misogynist”. Although hinduism wasnt misogynist till Manusmriti was written around 500BC. I havent come across misogynism in Vedas/Geeta.

    Anand

    July 21, 2008 at 3:22 am

  7. The “ummi” thing is very interesting indeed, as the Muslims call themselves the “ummah”. I have to find the article I read about how ummah actually meant “unlettered” but has been changed to mean “community.”

    kafirgirl

    July 21, 2008 at 10:23 am

  8. “Heaven. Don’t get too excited. There’s not much to discuss.”

    Especially if you’re a woman and have to endure the psycholgical torture of seeing ure husband cosying up to dozens of houris.
    But then there was the trial run with the three other wives… but maybe i’m just jealous. Now imagine a heaven where there for every one woman there are dozens of doting and seductive MALE houris.
    Now that would be the muslim man’s idea of a real hell.

    jasmine

    July 21, 2008 at 5:10 pm

  9. “That’s right: one woman is equal to half a man.”

    It doesnt require educated and westernised kafirgirl/APG to prove this wrong. Hafsa/Aisha already proved Allah wrong and made Allah eat his words in Sura 66

    “[066:004] (Oh wives of the prophet), the two of you better turn to Allah and repent. Your hearts have wandered off the right path. But if you back each other against the prophet, then (beware)! Allah is certainly his friend! And so are the angel Gibraeel, and all the righteous believers. Besides that, all the angels are his supporters.”

    TWO WOMEN EQUAL TO ONE MAN??? MY FOOT!!! wHO ALL ARE NEEDED TO TACKLE the RIGHTEOUS FURY OF TWO WOMEN HAFSA & AISHA? Allah/Gibreel/all other angels/all believers????

    aND WAit a minute-All along Mo was Allah’s slave. Here he becomes Allah’s friend. In verse 33:56/58:8, Allah salutes/prays to Muhammad.Nice career graph of Muhammad.

    Anand

    July 23, 2008 at 11:08 am

  10. Oh man, I got behind! Now I’ll never catch up with you!

    Nicely done, BTW. :)

    Bug Girl

    July 23, 2008 at 5:06 pm

  11. Shucks, thank you Bug Girl!

    kafirgirl

    July 23, 2008 at 5:59 pm

  12. “47. Remember, O children of Israel, …….. made you exalted among the nations of the world.”

    Yup. Mo is right and wrong.And Mo is right coz Jews have invented so many things and won so many Nobel Prizes in science. All said, they are only 15 million. 1 Billion hindus-only 3 Nobels in Science (CV Raman/S Chandrasekhar/Har Gobind Khurana) and 1.5 Billion muslims won only 2 Nobels(Ahmed Zewail and Abdus Salam of Pakistan) in science. Of these Abdus Salam is not considered a muslim by the muslim wild and Ahmed Zewail doesnt wear the muslim identity on his sleeve. Ahmed Zewail is an American Citizen.

    Now where MO is wrong is this..Jews achieved all this by hardwork and not due to some invisible friend up there.

    Anand

    July 25, 2008 at 5:48 am

  13. *muslim wild be read as muslim world.

    Anand

    July 25, 2008 at 5:49 am

  14. “Now, if “ummi” was a racially prejudiced terms used by Jews, then why Allah uses that term for Muhammad in verses 7:157/158? Was Allah a Jew????”

    “The ‘ummi’ thing is very interesting indeed, as the Muslims call themselves the “ummah”. I have to find the article I read about how ummah actually meant “unlettered” but has been changed to mean ‘community.’”

    Haha, that sounds like an ancient “nigger”. It started off as a derogatory term used by early U.S. slave owners (or Jews in this case). Then as the word became less acceptable, the people it was directed toward adopted the word as a term of endearment. “Ummah” could be seen as the equivalent of “niggas”. I’m not trying to make any real connection to the words or the groups of people involved. It was just the first thing I thought of after seeing what you wrote..

    Dave

    August 6, 2008 at 1:09 pm

  15. Just found this blog, and I’m looking forward to catching up. But I’m afraid that every time it goes to italics, Marlon Brando is going to be reading to me. Very creepy indeed!

    John

    August 11, 2008 at 7:22 pm

  16. “Menstruating women are unclean. They can’t pray, fast, or even touch a Quran, because, uh…well I don’t really know why. I could understand if maybe they weren’t allowed to touch the Quran with their bloody lady bits. Nobody wants to see that happen. God also doesn’t want to see anyone having sex with menstruating ladies. But you can’t do ‘em up the butt either, as this next verse hints:………”

    Eeeew,I can’t think of men and women engaging in sex during periods..Get a life..

    Anal sex is not good for health.Leave Quran if yopu don’t like it and refer to modern medicine for scientific proofs

    Anal sex exposes participants to two principal dangers: infections, due to the high number of infectious microorganisms not found elsewhere on the body, and physical damage to the anus and the rectum due to their vulnerability..Possible side effects include, most commonly, infection and anal fissures.

    http://www.steadyhealth.com/anal_sex_t137488.html

    Possible side effects from anal sex include: bleeding from tears in the anal skin, easier transmission of sexually transmitted disease, vaginal infections if you have anal sex before vaginal sex (not recommended), irritation of penile skin and infection if skin tears occur.keep in mind that genital warts and herpes can both occur in the anal area, and if anal warts extend into the rectum there is a higher chance of getting anal/rectal cancers.

    http://www.pamf.org/FAQ/FAQ/fx=q/id=306/t=a/c=9/a=13/tid=1/kw=1/z=null/faq.htm

    God is not dumb..He sets rules for the goodness of mankind..

    I hope you moderate my comment.

    Nimmy

    August 23, 2008 at 3:07 am

  17. Um, you do realize you linked to a crazy-people forum and not an actual medical site right? Another headline from steadyhealth.com that shows what kind of “science” they’re pushing: “Does positive thinking puts away breast cancer?” Yeah.

    And the other site is ONE person’s bad experience with anal sex. ONE. I can find you hundreds of sites about how tons of people — men AND women — enjoy anal sex. And do so safely. With no bleeding, tearing, disease, etc. Have you heard of lubricants and condoms? How ’bout common sense?

    http://www.sexual-health-resource.org/anal_sex.htm
    http://www.mybodyvibes.com/guidance/qa/article110_is_anal_sex_safe.html
    http://www.everydayhealth.com/publicsite/index.aspx?puid=3899bc8c-68ad-4e64-8da9-48f31ad82514&p=1

    Enjoy!

    Also about women and men having sex with menstruating — they’ve been doing it forever, dude. And will probably continue to do so. Again, a little common sense goes a long way.

    If two consenting adults are into having buttsex during menstruation, good for them. I’m not going to judge them and I certainly wouldn’t dream of stopping them.

    kafirgirl

    August 23, 2008 at 10:31 am

  18. :)..again,amtter of personal choice and i respect that..But i am talking about its bad effects..Agreed that many enjoy it.But that doesn’t imply that they are right!!..

    Lets not divert from the main topic..I was just telling that Whatever Allah has said is just..It is just that we need to take what is after and before a verse rather than picking it from air..

    Akso,never listen to sheikhs or fat mullahs..Just follow Quran as you personally perceive it.

    Nimmy

    August 23, 2008 at 1:27 pm

  19. Eeeew,I can’t think of men and women engaging in sex during periods..Get a life …Anal sex is not good
    OK, we get that you’re not good in bed. We don’t give a shit. Sex can be dangerous, and drinking water can kill you, fine: Otoh during your period you have no worries about pregnancy, have extra lubrication, and sex alleviates cramping—but it can’t kill you.

    God is not dumb…
    He’s so goddamned brilliant he designed a dick that fits in an asshole? A first year engineering student can do better than that, if it matters to him. God’s not dumb the same way Ents and Draenei aren’t dumb; not existing makes it hard to be much of anything.

    … I was just telling that Whatever Allah has said is just..
    whereas, everybody else here was just telling that see, it’s not, because he hasn’t said a fucking thing, being non-existant and all, but anybody who thinks this shit is “just” that we’re reading in chapter eight and nine especially is one evil mother fucker.

    …is just that we need to take what is after and before a verse rather than picking it from air … Just follow Quran as you personally perceive it.
    Jesus, try to keep up. After two months of meticulously fisking the entire fucking book, you might get a hint that we personally perceive it as a steaming pile of horseshit that we wouldn’t follow if it was crapping diamonds. We’re trying to figure out why anyone would want to.

    ps. if you want us to visit your blog, give us the damn link.

    watercat

    August 23, 2008 at 9:26 pm

  20. @Watercat,I am surprised as to see you are surprised by my copy paste answer.

    “we personally perceive it as a steaming pile of horseshit “..well,as I already told,just a matter of personal choice..You choose not to believe and I choose to believe..Live and let live.

    Quran says “[2:256] There shall be no compulsion in religion: the right way is now distinct from the wrong way. Anyone who denounces the devil and believes in GOD has grasped the strongest bond; one that never breaks. GOD is Hearer, Omniscient. ”

    There is no point in engaging in never-ending fights.Lets respect each others beliefs and live in harmony

    Good day to all

    Nimmy

    August 24, 2008 at 3:12 am

  21. Nimmy: “Quran says “[2:256] There shall be no compulsion in religion: the right way is now distinct from the wrong way. Anyone who denounces the devil and believes in GOD has grasped the strongest bond; one that never breaks. GOD is Hearer, Omniscient. ”

    There is no point in engaging in never-ending fights.Lets respect each others beliefs and live in harmony”

    Ah yes – unfortunately, Sharia has a very very very particular understanding of the term compulsion, doesn’t it? If you believe in “respecting others beliefs” [sic], why don’t you start lobbying Islamic countries to allow religious freedom and stop killing/imprisoning/taking the children away from/dissolving the marriages of/disinheriting Murtadoon?

    My definition of harmony involves Human Rights. Sharia does not and so there can be no harmony with Sharia.

    JM

    September 3, 2008 at 1:39 pm

  22. watercat said: He’s so goddamned brilliant he designed a dick that fits in an asshole? A first year engineering student can do better than that, if it matters to him.

    You might want to read “Dr Tatiana’s Sex Advice to All Creation” (Amazon). After that all questions of ‘intelligent design’ will no longer concern you!

    A Voice of Sanity

    September 17, 2008 at 12:22 pm

  23. [...] what old Nissa had to say about the second post from chapter 2 (Women suck. And Jews suck, too.).  Remember that from way back in [...]

  24. Hey, first of all I want to thank you for this very revealing blog. I’m really enjoing it.

    Now, two things that came to my mind. Muslims often say that the Qur’an gave equal rights to women as men and basically it delivered women from being subjugated in a pre-Islamic society. Also, they claim that Islam first gave them the right of inheritance, which they supposedly hadn’t had earlier. But isn’t the example of Khadija a totally opposite picture? She inherited wealth after her father, she was solely running a successful enterprise, was respected in society, and herself chose Muhammad for husband EVEN BEFORE ISLAM WAS FIRST REVEALED. So maybe it wasn’t that bad for women back then. Muhammad might have been impressed by her to such a degree that he allowed for some rights for women in his “revelation”. After all, wasn’t she his first PR who launched him as a prophet using her influence and connections?

    Another thing, about anal sex – I’ve read somewhere (can’t remember where tho) that the verse “women are your field, till them as you will” actually allows men to fuck anally their women…

    chaophray

    December 8, 2008 at 11:21 am


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 56 other followers

%d bloggers like this: