2: The Cow (Part II — Women suck. And Jews suck, too.)
I was taught that the Quran is the most beautiful thing ever written. It moves men to tears, converts unbelievers on the spot, and has all the answers to all of life’s problems. With that kind of hype, I thought I would be emotionally moved by something in the book. I wasn’t expecting the clouds to part and the light of God to come shining through or anything. At the very least, I thought I would go “Oooooh aaaaaaah” at some verse.
Let me explain. I’m not a touchy feely emotional type of person, but I recently watched Wall-E, and it made me cry. It’s an animated movie where the main characters are not people and don’t really talk much, and it fucking made me cry. The “biting my knuckles to hold the sobs back so the guy next to me doesn’t laugh” kind of cry. And it still gives me the warm fuzzies when I think about it. It moved me.
The Quran, so far, has done nothing of the sort. All it’s done is make me feel bad for people like my parents; people who believe in this crap because they were born in a predominantly Muslim area and because they were taught that even having internal doubts about the book would send them straight to hell. And then I read all this shit about women and Jews, and it makes me sick. Some of it makes me laugh, because God comes off as a total dipshit, but most of it makes me angry. So much for being moved. Pixar 1, God 0.
Let’s talk about women, shall we?
228. Women also have recognized rights as men have, though men have an edge over them.
That edge is called a penis, and the only time I was jealous of it was when on a road trip with a back seat full of empty soda bottles and a very full bladder. True story. I will be the first to admit that men do have an edge over women when it comes to peeing. Anyway, if the message isn’t clear enough for you:
282. But if two men are not available, then a man and two women you approve, so that in case one of them is confused the other may remind her.
That’s right: one woman is equal to half a man. And, unlike men, women get “confused”. But what’s even better than the verse itself is the footnote added by Ahmed Ali. I left the grammar as is:
In no other place in the Quran two women have been suggested as witnesses except here, because this is a case of a special transaction and women, not being adepts at business, were more likely to get confused than men.
Women are not adept at business? Whaaaaaa? Mohammed’s first wife, Khadijah, inherited her father’s merchant business, which she ran and managed by herself before he met her. Ahmed Ali kind of makes Mohammed look like a jealous little bitch, doesn’t he? Meh. Maybe I’m just biased because I work for a great company with an amazing female CEO and female VPs, but…..wait, what were we talking about? I got confused.
223. Women are like fields for you; so seed them as you intend, but plan the future in advance.
The pull & pray method — God’s recommended birth control! I kid, I kid. In all seriousness, this verse made me really sad. I looked up other translations that say “Women are like fields for you, till them as you will.” Ouch. Ahmed Ali is a total pussy for using the much more euphemistic “seed them as you intend.” If there was any doubt as to whether this book was written by men for men, this is proof right here.
222. They ask you about menstruation. Tell them: “This is a period of stress. So keep away from women in this state till they are relieved of it. When they are free of it, you may go to them as God has enjoined. For God loves those who seek pardon, and those who are clean.”
Menstruating women are unclean. They can’t pray, fast, or even touch a Quran, because, uh…well I don’t really know why. I could understand if maybe they weren’t allowed to touch the Quran with their bloody lady bits. Nobody wants to see that happen. God also doesn’t want to see anyone having sex with menstruating ladies. But you can’t do ’em up the butt either, as this next verse hints:
189. They ask you of the new moons. Say: “These are periods set for men (to reckon) time, and for pilgrimage.” Piety does not lie in entering the house through the back door, for the pious man is he who follows the straight path. Enter the house through the main gate, and obey God.
Oh. Their. God. I died laughing. You can’t make shit like this up! Oh, wait. I guess you can. Check out Ahmed Ali’s footnote on this verse:
It means the same thing as is meant by the English expressed “through the back door,” i.e. clandestinely. Here it has more than one implication, as the verse deals with the new moon and reckoning “periods,” e.g. the period of fasting, a women’s monthly courses, etc.
Hot damn. Anal sex in the Quran! I wonder if the Imams skip over these passages.
Credit where credit is due: there are some good verses in the Quran about divorce. Verses 229-235 tell a man what not to do in the event of a divorce: don’t take all her money, don’t ditch out on your kids, set aside some money so your wife & kids aren’t royally screwed if you die, and don’t stop your ex from marrying someone else. God must be merciful and benevolent.
Except when it comes to Jews, of course.
96. You will see they are covetous of life more than other men, even more than those who practice idolatry. Each one of them desires to live a thousand years, although longevity will never save them from punishment, for God sees all they do.
Jews love life and want to live to be 1000 years old. Moses only lived to be 950 years old in the Quran. I wonder if he was like, “Screw you, God, I want another 50 years! Put me back!” As a sidenote, I’m not Jewish, but I do wish I could live to be a thousand. That’s just long enough but not so long that you get bored. I also wish I could fly, leap over buildings, dodge bullets, and look fabulous in a spandex body suit, but that’s probably just me.
This whole notion of unbelievers — that’s Jews, Christians, pagans, and us heathens — loving life so much pops up in other places:
212. Enamoured are the unbelievers of the life of this world, and scoff at the faithful.
Shit, he got that one right; at least when it comes to the heathens. Most of the atheists I know genuinely enjoy life. They realize it’s the only one they have and that their days are numbered. Might as well live it up, right? I don’t see why that gets God’s panties all in a bunch.
40. O children of Israel, remember the favours I bestowed on you. So keep your pledge to Me, and I will mine to you, and be fearful of Me,
41. And believe in what I have sent down which verifies what is already with you; and do not be the first to deny it, nor part with it for little gain; and beware of Me.
Beware of him is right. He’s like a loan shark, this guy. Read the following in a Don Corleone voice:
47. Remember, O children of Israel, the favours I bestowed on you, and made you exalted among the nations of the world.
49. Remember, We saved you from the Pharaoh’s people who wronged and oppressed you and slew your sons but spared your women: In this was a great favour from your Lord.
50. Remember, We parted the sea and saved you, and drowned the men of Pharaoh before your very eyes.
51. Yet, remember, as We communed with Moses for forty nights you took the calf in his absence (and worshipped it), and you did wrong.
52. Even so, We pardoned you that you may be grateful.
55. Remember, when you said to Moses: “We shall not believe in you until we see God face to face,” lightning struck you as you looked.
56. Even then We revived you after you had become senseless that you might give thanks;
57. And made the cloud spread shade over you, and sent for you manna and quails that you may eat of the good things We have made for you. No harm was done to Us, they only harmed themselves.
He struck the Jews with lightning, and then revived them…just so they would thank him? What a guy! In all honesty, though, if I asked God to meet face to face and he struck me with lightning, revived me, gave me manna and quail…I’d probably still ask to see his actual face.
58. And remember, We said to you: “Enter this city, eat wherever you like, as much as you please, but pass through the gates in humility and say: ‘May our sins be forgiven.’ We shall forgive your trespasses and give those who do good abundance.
59. But the wicked changed and perverted the word We had spoken to a word distorted, and We sent from heaven retribution on the wicked, for they disobeyed.
60. And remember, when Moses asked for water for his people, We told him to strike the rock with his staff, and behold, twelve springs of gushing water gushed forth so that each of the tribes came to know its place of drinking. Eat and drink, (enjoy) God’s gifts, and spread no discord in the land.
61. Remember, when you said: “O Moses, we are tired of eating the same food (day after day), ask your Lord to give us fruits of the earth, herbs and cucumbers, grains and lentils and onions;” he said: “Would you rather exchange what is good with what is bad? Go then to the city, you shall have what you ask.” So they were disgraced and became indigent, earning the anger of God, for they disbelieved the word of God, and slayed the prophets unjustly, for they transgressed and rebelled.
Slayed the prophets? Plural? Maybe I need to do a little more research, because I have no idea who all he could be talking about. I like how it says the Jews earned God’s anger as opposed to God becoming angry at the Jews. Blame shifting!
Obviously God has a fucked up relationship with the Jews. They were ungrateful and complained a lot, and he was jealous and demanding. The Jews keep trying to leave with the golden calf, but God lures them back in with quails and manna and lentils and grains and cucumbers. Who could resist that?! But then when they cheat on him again, he gets pissed. Sometimes he even slaps them around a little. But then he feels bad and gives them herbs or onions, and it’s all OK.
Know what I think? I think maybe instead of trying to buy the Jews’ love, he could have spent a little time with them in person. These long distance things never really work out for very long.
The bottom line: God loves you whole heartedly and thinks you’re all equal….as long as you’re a Muslim man.
Coming up next: Heaven. Don’t get too excited. There’s not much to discuss.