2: The Cow (Part I — Doubt and complexity)
There is so much that is so jacked up with chapter 2 that I don’t even know where to start. There’s virtually no white space left in the margins of my Quran, and reading over my notes is giving me heart burn. Literally. At this rate I’ll have an ulcer from chapter 3, a hernia from chapter 4, and a full blown stroke by the time I get into the 100’s. Ugh.
I’m breaking chapter 2 into several smaller posts so you don’t have to suffer. You’re welcome.
God pulls out the big guns right at the beginning.
2. This is a book free from doubt and involution
He just throws that out there: there is no doubt or complexity in this book. No doubt. No complexity. In my opinion, the validity of this entire book absolutely hangs off of this claim. If there is any doubt or complexity in this book, it’s all a sham. I mean, that’s a serious claim there.
It doesn’t take long for things to fall apart. A few verses later comes the abrogation clause:
107. When We cancel a message (sent to an earlier prophet) or throw it into oblivion, We replace it with one better or one similar. Do you not know that God has power over all things?
God, who is omniscient and all-powerful, makes a neat little loophole for himself, so he can suddenly change his mind and cancel out previous revelations and replace them with newer, better revelations. …I don’t even know what to say.
Yes I do: DOUBT! INVOLUTION!
Mohammed was one clever summabitch. A merchant life was wasted on that guy, he should have been a lawyer. Confuckingvenient, isn’t it? If
Mohammed God changes his mind about something he made up revealed, he can just make up reveal something new! Viola!
Here’s where everything gets even more confusing and complicated. The Quran isn’t arranged in chronological order. No, no, that would make too much sense. It’s arranged according to chapter length, from longest to shortest. So one part of the Quran might say “God doesn’t play favorites with prophets and they’re all equal,” and another part might say “God likes some prophets more than others.” In fact, it does say just that:
253. Of all these apostles We have favoured some over the others.
285. We make no distinction between the apostles.
Ta-da! Doubt. Complexity. And there are plenty more contradictions.
The earth was made first, then the sky.
2: 29. He made for you all that lies within the earth, then turning to the firmament He proportioned several skies: He has knowledge of everything.
No wait, the sky was made first, then the earth.
79:27. Are you more difficult to create or the heavens? He built it, raised it high, proportioned it, gave darkness to its night, and brightness to its day; And afterwards spread out the earth.
Not all of Christians are going to hell.
2:62. Surely the believers and the Jews, Nazareans and the Sabians, whoever believes in God and the Last Day, and whosoever does right, shall have his reward with his Lord and will neither have fear nor regret.
Fuck that! All Christians are totally going to hell.
5:72. They are surely infidels who say: “God is the Christ, son of Mary.” But the Christ had only said: “O children of Israel, worship God who is my Lord and your Lord.” Whosoever associates a compeer with God, will have Paradise denied to him by God, and his abode shall be Hell; and the sinners will have none to help them.
Alcohol is not OK.
2:219. They ask you of (intoxicants,) wine and gambling. Tell them: “There is great enervation though profit in them for men; but their enervation is greater than benefit.
No wait, Alcohol is a-OK. And it’s a sign of God!
16:67. And in fruits of the date-palm and the vine, from which you obtain inebriating drinks and excellent food. In this indeed are signs for those who understand.
Then there’s the “God has power over everything” stuff that’s all over the damn book, which makes no sense because God apparently can’t control the devil.
2:34. Remember, when We asked the angels to bow in homage to Adam, they all bowed but Iblis, who disdained and turned insolent, and so became a disbeliever.
At this point, my head exploded. But I just abrogated it by getting a newer, better head and carried on.
There’s the confusion of God switching from third person perspective in chapter 1 to first person in chapter 2. But it gets better. God actually switches from third person to first person smack dab in the middle of chapter 2! Check it out:
33. Then He said to Adam: “Convey to them their names.” And when he had told them, God said: “Did I not tell you that I know the unknown of the heavens and the earth, and I know what you disclose and know what you hide?”
34. Remember, when We asked the angels to bow in homage to Adam, they all bowed but Iblis, who disdained and turned insolent, and so became a disbeliever.
35. And We said to Adam: “Both you and your spouse live in the Garden, eat freely to your fill wherever you like, but approach not this tree or you will become transgressors.
36. But Satan tempted them and had them banished from the (happy) state they were in. And We said: “Go, one the antagonist of the other, and live on the earth for a time ordained, and fend for yourselves.”
37. Then his Lord sent commands to Adam and turned towards him: Indeed He is compassionate and kind.
Double you. Tee. Eff. God needs a better editor. He also needs to stop being so damn cocky.
23. If you are in doubt of what We have revealed to Our votary, then bring a Surah like this, and call any witness, apart from God, you like, if you are truthful.
The Quran is so perfect and unique that nobody can duplicate it. Ohhhh puh-lease. Insert eye roll here. Click here for some very brave person’s Quranic style verses written in Arabic with English translations. If language is not the issue, I can think of a dozen unique and beautiful things written in English by people who never claimed to be God. Why even set up such a challenge that someone could actually take you up on? Because if you do take it up, you go straight to hell. Of course. But don’t forget: God is merciful, ya’ll.
Coming up next: Women suck. And Jews suck, too.