14: Abraham (Satan speaketh!)
I patted my husband on the butt and sent him out so I could have the house all to myself. Oh, alone time. What would I do without you? Probably go door to door, punching people on the noses for being dumbasses. Tonight, it’s just me, my ice-cold bottle of beer and my Quran. And my laptop. And also my Moleskine book that I take notes in. …technicalities.
Speaking of which, it’s been a while since I’ve updated you on my status with the book. As of today, I’ve officially read 40% of the Quran! Looking ahead, the chapters are a lot shorter, and will probably only require a post or two each. Whoo! Slowly but surely, we’re finally getting somewhere. And, on that positive note, lets jump right in and ruin everything with the Quran’s hellspeak!
Chapter 14 is titled Abraham, but old Abe doesn’t make much of an appearance in it. I want to meet the person who titled the chapters in the Quran. See above about punching people on the noses.
The first two verses of the chapter have some pretty awful sentence structure.
(1) ALIF LAM RA.
A Book We have sent down to you that you may lead men out of darkness into light, by their Lord’s command, to the path of the mighty, the worthy of praise.
(2) God, to whom belongs all there is in the heavens and the earth. Woe to the unbelievers for the terrible punishment (that awaits).
See what I mean? It looks like Ahmed Ali was getting as weary as I am about reading the Quran. When it all sounds the same, I guess you have to be creative where you can.
Anyway, the basic gist of those verses is that the Quran was sent down to guide men into the light. But not women, because, you know — 1/2 a man and all. Verse 1 refers to the Quran as a book, which is stupid since the verses weren’t put into book form until after Mo’s death.
And verse 2 hints at the terrible punishment that awaits those who doesn’t believe in the book (that wasn’t a book quite yet). Lets fast forward to those verses, shall we? There are actually some new details in chapter 14 about the doom and gloom you, as a kafir, can expect after death. Check it out:
(16) Before him is Hell, and he will get putrid liquid to drink.
(17) He will sip it, yet will not be able to gulp it down. Death will crowd in upon him from every side, but die he will not. A terrible torment trails him.
Mmmmkay. So in hell, you’ll get a smelly drink that you’ll have to sip instead of gulp. And death will be all around you, only you won’t die. You’ll just sit there, sipping your smelly drink. It won’t be nice. The only thing is, I’ve experienced the whole putrid liquid thing before. I had access to nothing but instant coffee for an entire week, remember? It doesn’t even smell like real coffee. And you have to take little sips of it to keep from gagging on the shame of drinking instant. *Le sigh* I’m still a little bitter, I guess.
(49) You will see the wicked on that day bound together in chains.
(50) Of molten pitch shall be their garments, their faces covered with flames,
(51) That God may reward each soul for its deeds. Indeed God is swift at reckoning!
In hell, you’ll be chained together with other wicked people, and your clothes will be made out of molten pitch. Google tells me that pitch means a hot, sticky substance like sap or tar. Or honey. So let me get this straight: you’ll be handcuffed to a bunch of people and covered in hot, sticky honey. Holy shit. That is so kinky. Hell is an orgy!
One itty bitty little setback thought. Your face will be on fire. Don’t worry, though — only your face will be on fire. The Quran doesn’t say anything about the rest of you. Since technically your sexy bits aren’t on fire, I’m sticking to my guns on this one. Hell is an orgy, ya’ll!!
Just for shits and giggles, lets compare chapter 14′s description of hell with its description of heaven:
(23) Those who believed and did the right, will be admitted to gardens with rivers flowing by, where they will abide by the leave of their Lord, with ‘Peace’ as their salutation.
Yes, yes, gardens with rivers, ho hum…ooh look! A new detail! People will say “peace” in heaven! Hmm. I’ll take hell, thanks! Moving right along.
Remember that whole abrogation thing? How God can just cancel out his old commands with new & improved ones? Even though he’s all-knowing and should probably just released the best ones right away? Well, that works on people too:
(19) Do you not see that God has created the heavens and the earth with ultimate reason? If He so wills He could take you away from the earth and raise a new creation (in your place).
In other words, STFU or God will replace you with a newer, better you. And when that newer, better you fucks up, God will replace her with a newer, better her. And on and on for all eternity since God is a stubborn jackass who never learns from his mistakes.
And finally — I saved the best for last — Satan speaks up:
(22) When the reckoning is over Satan will say: “The promise that was made to you by God was indeed a true promise; but I went back on the promise I had made, for I had no power over you except to call you; and you responded to my call. So blame me not, but blame yourselves. Neither can I help you nor can you give me help. I disavow your having associated me earlier (with God). The punishment for those who are wicked is painful indeed.”
OK, lemme break it down:
- After the day of judgment is over and done with, Satan will get on stage and speak. And God won’t zap him into oblivion. He’ll just let his nemesis talk away. Weird right?
- Satan says, “God made a bunch of promises, and he kept them. I made promises and did not keep them.” The fuck? This doesn’t sound like the debbil I know!
- Satan admits he has no power to do anything except call out for people.
- So it’s not his fault if you go astray. It’s your own fault. Even though, technically, it’s God’s fault that you go astray. He admits repeatedly in the Quran that he makes people go astray. The debbil doesn’t say anything about that, probably because he’s trying to get on the big guy’s good side.
- So who gets fucked by it all in the end? That right. You and me. All of us. God sets up a lose-lose system and screws us all. If that’s not kind and merciful and benevolent, I dunno what is!
Here’s some other interesting stuff from Chapter 14:
Verses 5 – 12 are all about Moses. They start out with “Remember when…” and it’s the same story we’ve heard over and over again about how Moses’ people sucked. My favorite part was when God says this:
(7) Remember, your Lord proclaimed: “I shall give you more if you are grateful; but if you are thankless then surely My punishment is very great.”
OK, so if you kiss God’s ass, he’ll give you stuff. If you don’t kiss his ass though, he won’t just refrain from giving you stuff. He’ll actually punish you. Not surprising at all, but it does show you how petty the old guy is.
Verses 35 – 41 are all about Abraham.This time it’s mostly just Abe praying to save his own ass, his parents’ asses, his kids’ asses, his kids’ kids’ asses, his kids’ kids’ kids’ asses, and then just for good measure, his own ass again. Not really sure what that point of all of this is, but there ya go.
Wanna see God open up his mouth and stick his dick in it? Read on:
(34) He gave you whatsoever you asked. If you try to count the favours of God you will not be able to calculate. Man is most unjust indeed, full of ingratitude.
And finally there’s this verse:
(18) Like ashes are the deeds of those who deny their Lord, which the wind blows away on a windy day.
Dude. That is sooooo deeeeeeep.