12: Joseph (Part II — Joseph almost gets laid.)
It’s been kind of a crazy couple of weeks at work. First I was on a hellish project that had me working ’round the clock — weekends and everything. And then we had a scary round of layoffs. Thanks a lot, economy! I escaped unscathed, but that’s probably only because I don’t make enough money to be worth firing. Ha! But also boo, hiss! We were given a speech saying we would have to “do more [work] with less [bodies],” so my posts might be a little more infrequent than they used to be.* But come on. You knew a post-a-day wouldn’t last forever. Life catches up. Maybe if we all pray hard enough, the recession will be over and I’ll go back to bumming around and posting every day. …or you could just add me to your RSS feed and expect at least 1 post a week plus LOLmuslim Friday. That’ll work, too. Enough with the woe-is-me crap. Lets talk about the Quran.
* They might also have typos. I didn’t proofread this post. Sleeping > typos. Sorry, grammar nazis!
We left off the story with Joseph being ditched in a well by his asshole half-brothers, then rescued via bucket, only to be sold into slavery for a few measly dirhams. Dirhams which, as BRG pointed out, didn’t really exist until way after this story supposedly took place. (Atheists 1, God 0. Again.) This post picks up at the next verse, where a nameless Egyptian man and his nameless wife discuss what is to become of young Joseph:
21. The Egyptian who bought him instructed his wife: “House him honourably. He may be of use to us. We may even adopt him as a son.” So, We firmly established Joseph in the land, and taught him the interpretation of dreams. God dominated in his affairs, though most men do not know.
22. When he reached the prime of life We gave him wisdom and knowledge. Thus We reward those who are good.
So Mr. Egypt tells his wife that she must house the boy and treat him well. They might even end up adopting the kid. Aww! Enslavement’s not so bad! The way I look at it, all of this kind of makes her a mother figure to Joseph. He’s kind of like their black market baby. So imagine my surprise in the next verse when she busts out with this:
23. But she in whose house he resided wished to seduce him and, closing the doors, said: “Come into me.”
Woah woah wooooah. Wooooooooah. Mrs. Robinson, over here. I was totally not familiar with the Bible version of this story (in which this woman has an actual name — how progressive!), so this entire thing caught me totally off guard. Sex? In the Quran? Initiated by a woman?? Lawsie mercy! And the way she says it. Come into me. It’s a command. Add a big boy to the end of that, and you’ve got cheesy porn dialogue right there. My head is spinning. Joseph, however, is way too boring chaste for a little bow chikka bow bow:
“God forbid!” he said; “he is my master who has approved my stay. Surely those who act wrongly do not prosper.”
Remember a few posts back when I talked about the Super Christian I dated for a couple of months? We had a scene almost exactly like this one. Man, what a dumbass. I can kind of see where Joseph’s coming from, at least. The lady’s married. And probably older and more experienced. She probably makes his virgin ass all nervous, know what I mean?
24. But the woman desired him, and he would have desired her but for the indication he received from his Lord. This was so that We may avert both evil and lechery from him, for he was one of Our chosen devotees.
So get this shit. Joseph would have given in were it not for a well-timed divine cockblock. Know what I think? I think God gave Joseph a case of the flaccids. No hard on? No coming into anyone. Sorry Joseph!
25. Both of them raced to the door, and she (grabbed and) rent his shirt from behind. They met her lord outside the door. “There is no other penalty for a man,” said she, “who wanted to outrage your wife but imprisonment or grievous punishment.”
Double you. Tee. Eff. He ran? He ran like he couldn’t fight her off? Like he couldn’t defend himself? Like she was seriously going to pull down his pants and rape him? Seriously??
And her husband just conveniently happens to be hanging around outside the door? What are the odds of that happening?
26. (Joseph) said: “It was she who wanted to seduce me.” And a witness from her family testified: “If the shirt is torn from the front then the woman is speaking the truth, and he is a liar.
27. But if the shirt is torn from behind then she is a liar, and he speaks the truth.”
Check it out: CSI Egypt! It just so happens that there is a forensics expert in the family, and they decide that the location of the tear in Joseph’s shirt will solve the mystery. If it’s torn from the front, then Joseph is a would-be rapist. If it’s torn in the back, then the woman is the would-be rapist (how does that work, again?). Only it doesn’t make a hell of a lot of sense because she could grab his shirt from behind and still have it rip in the front. Nobody seems to notice this little flaw in the plan.
28. When the husband saw the shirt torn at the back, he said: “Surely this is a woman’s ruse, and the wiles of women are great.
29. Ignore this affair, O Joseph; and you, O woman, ask forgiveness for your sin, for you were surely errant.”
The wiles of women are great? What a fucking douchebag! And I’m not talking about the fictional Mr. Egypt, here — I’m talking about God. No, wait. That one’s fictional, too. Mohammed, then. I would love for some Muslim “feminist” to explain to me how verses like this are not blatantly sexist bullshit. No, wait again. I don’t want any Muslim “feminist” explaining anything to me, because I would honestly puke all over myfuckingself if anyone actually believed the Quran was a feminist book. Seriously. I’m getting that watery taste in my mouth already. Lets move on quickly.
30. In the city the women gossiped: “The minister’s wife longs after her page. He has captured her heart. We think she is in clear error.”
Capture her heart nothing. Lady just wants to get laid.
31. When she heard their slanderings, she sent for them and prepared a banquet, and gave each of them a knife (for paring fruit), and called (to Joseph): “Come out before them.” When they saw him, the women were so wonderstruck they cut their hands, and exclaimed: “O Lord preserve us! He is no mortal but an honourable angel.”
So Joseph is so hot that the women accidentally cut up their hands while ogling him. Wow. To think, all of this could have been prevented if Joseph had just worn a burka. Preferably the kind that only leaves one eye uncovered — two eyes are so just asking for a good old-fashioned rapin’!
32. She said: “This is the one you blamed me for. I did desire his person, but he preserved himself from sin. Yet in case he does not do my bidding he will be put into prison and disgraced.”
Holy hell. She’s not fucking around about fucking around, is she? Either Joseph must have sex with her or go to prison. If I were Joseph, I’d drop trou and do what the lady says. I mean, come on. Sex is great. Prison? Not so great. Or better yet, he could go tattle on her. Her husband already knows she’s all wiley. You know — on account of her being a woman and all. Joseph could go tell Mr. Egypt what she’s been doing behind his back, show him the women’s cut-up hands, get them to serve as witnesses on his behalf, and have her ass tossed in prison for…um. Being a sexual predator? I don’t really know what she could go to prison for, but at least he wouldn’t end up in there for being all cockshy. Yiish.
Why does nobody in the Quran go for the simple solutions? The ones that make sense? …oh, right. Quran. Nevermind, then.
33. (Joseph) prayed: “O Lord, dearer is prison than what they invite me to. Unless You turn their guiles away from me I shall succumb to their charms and thus become a pagan.”
Are you fucking kidding me? Joseph would rather go to prison than have sex? And — the fuck?? — having sex makes you a pagan? Really? Really?? You’re all a bunch of sex-having pagans then! Whoo!
34. His Lord heard his prayer, and averted the women’s wiles from him. He verily hears and knows everything.
Meh. God someone averted the women’s (there’s that fucking word again) wiles, and there was no sex for anyone. Everyone went on bottling up their sexual energy, being all prudish, and making me sad that even at it’s most exciting moments, this book is still a total snore. Oh, and Joseph went to prison:
35. And yet in spite of having seen these clear proofs they found it proper to incarcerate him for a time.
So not only does God prevent Joseph from getting laid, he lets the guy go to prison. For a time. Remember in verse 21 when “God dominated in his affairs, though most men do not know.” Apparently that only includes dreams and erections. Shit that a person might actually care about — like, I dunno, going to prison for a crime he didn’t fucking commit — God isn’t really concerned about shit like that. What was that bit about merciful and benevolent, again?
That’s it or part 2 of As the Joseph Turns (or General Joseph, take your pick). Part 3’s coming up, and shit’s about to get a whole lot crazier. Hint: there’s a steamy prison sex scene! OK, not really. But Joseph does interpret some dreams and there are surprise visitors from a faraway land. Hey, at least it’s not Saleh or Shu’aib again, right?