11: Hūd (Part I — What do you mean this isn’t Highlander?!)
I take back what I said about chapter 11 being just like chapter 10 only elevener. Much to my surprise, chapter 11 actually introduces a new story(!!!) to the Quran. Sort of. It’s more like a rehashing of an older story with a bunch of new details. It’s a little Tarentino-ish. Here’s something that already happened — now lets go see what happened before that happened. Does that make sense to anyone but me? No? OK. Lets dive right in anyway.
(69) Our angels came to Abraham with good news, and said: “Peace on you. “Peace on you too,” said Abraham, and hastened to bring a roasted calf.
(70) When they did not stretch their hands towards it he became suspicious and afraid of them.
You heard it here first, folks: angels don’t eat. If you offer food to someone and he doesn’t want any, it isn’t because he’s not hungry — it’s because he’s obviously an angel. And he’s obviously not a she either because, shit, this is the Quran we’re talking about here. I realize I haven’t read the entire thing, but I’ve read enough to know this much: women in the Quran are confined to three roles.
- Wife of Someone al-Important
- Mother of Important ibn-Person
- Houri. No al’s or ibn’s here. Just plain old Houri.
Prove me wrong.
They said: “Do not be afraid. We have been sent to the people of Lot.”
Double you. Tee. Eff. I read this and my eyebrows raised so far up that I wore my own forehead as a beret. I was stunned. Abraham and Lot were contemporaries? What the? I had this idea in my head that prophets were like Highlander. There can only be one. But nope. Apparently God can send down several prophets all at once and still manage to have them all fail. Check out what the Bible says about Lot and Abraham:
“There was a strife between the herdmen of Abram’s cattle and the herdmen of Lot’s cattle: and the Canaanite and the Perizzite dwelled then in the land.”
So it turns out Lot and Abraham were BFF, but they kind of broke up. Keep that in mind, because the Quran’s take on things is, as usual, a little different. More on that later.
(71) His wife who stood near, laughed as We gave her the good news of Isaac, and after Isaac of Jacob.
(72) She said: “Woe betide me! Will I give birth when I am old and this my husband be aged? This is indeed surprising!”
OK, what the hell is with all the post-menopausal women getting knocked up in the Bible and Quran? Everyone is barren and desperate to have children. We’ve already seen this come up a few times before. For example, this same exact scenario happened to Zachariah’s nameless wife back in chapter 3. What gives?
Are there no women who would think, “We were planning on traveling when we retire next year” or “I’m old enough to be a grandmother“? Or “Shit, I’ve never even wanted kids”? Where are the women who smash the pregnancy test against the bathroom wall because they’re pissed? My factory’s closed, goddamnit!
Nobody in the Quran does that? Seriously? I find that hard to believe. Then again, I find a lot of stuff in the Quran hard to believe. And another thing, if getting an older lady pregnant is all it takes, there are tons of fertility doctors out there who are gods. And — miracle of miracles — you can actually see them, so they’re automatically better than God. I’m just sayin’.
(73) “Why are you surprised at the command of God? God’s mercy and blessings be upon you, O members of this household,” they said. “Verily He is worthy of praise and glory.”
Verily my ass. The past 11 chapters have revealed what a jealous, petty, egotistical, vengeful, insecure, genocidal scumbag God really is. He’s about as worthy of praise and glory as Hitler. Wait, do I lose the argument now that I’ve brought a Nazi into it? The internet has too many rules. I can’t keep em straight. Either way, the angels are full of shit. But in Islam, angels don’t have free will. They’re literally puppets, so you can see who’s really behind that statement. Hint: it’s not Hitler.
(74) When Abraham’s fear was dispelled, and the good news had come to him, he pleaded for the people of Lot with Us.
(75) Abraham was kind, compassionate, and penitent.
Remember earlier when I told you about how Abe and Lot had a nasty breakup? Well, apparently that didn’t happen in the Quran. It doesn’t actually say anything about them being friends, but Abraham begs for God’s mercy on Lot’s people. Which is kind of fucked up since, according to the Quran, Lot’s people were total sinners because they were gay. All of ‘em. An entire village full of nothing but gay men. And not just your standard stereotype shopping-for-antiques kind of gay men — we’re talking about the kind of gay men you meet in prison. Think HBO, not ABC.
I have to pause for a second and mention, by the way, that this is just fucking retarded. An entire village of violent, rape-crazy gay men? It sounds like something out of Jerry Falwell’s wet dreams. The last 2 cities I’ve lived in and the city I live in now have huge, active gay communities. I know a lot of gay people. And I’ve honestly never seen a roving gang of gay thugs on the hunt for someone to rape. Roving gangs of gay thugs looking to get their dance on, yes. But rape? Not so much.
Fuckin’ A. I don’t say this often, but it’s all I can think right now: I’m offended.
Muslims are constantly crying out, “Why do people think all of us are terrorists? Blah blah blah!” Well, what the fuck? You do the same shit to another group of human beings — and this isn’t even based on some bullshit guidebook to life, but simply who they share their lives (and beds) with. So fuck you. You can’t say shit to me anymore about being offended.
And Abraham prays for these so-called sinners? Hell, maybe the sinners should have been praying for Abraham. I mean, this is the guy who later puts Ishmael on the butcher’s block — literally — because magic man in the sky tell him to. He’s ready and willing to murder his own son because some voice in his head says so. By the way, no, I didn’t mean to say Isaac. In Islam, it’s Ishmael who’s supposed to get the old chop chop. Looks like old Mo made a boo boo in the Quran. Again. Maybe if he wasn’t so busy hating on groups of people who were different, he’d have some fucking time to fact check a little.
(76) “Desist from pleading, O Abraham,” (they said). “Your Lord’s command has verily been issued, and a punishment that cannot be averted is bound to fall on them.”
(77) So when Our angels came to Lot, he grieved for them, and felt powerless to help them, and said: “This is a day of sorrow.
The angels tell Abraham to shut up and that the punishment can’t be reversed. Which seems really contradictory to what the Quran always says about the most-merciful God being ready and willing to forgive anyone if only they’d repent and turn to him. Somehow none of that factored in when God decided to punish Lot’s people. He was itching to see some blood, so even if they’d embraced God, he would have pelted them with stones just the same. A guy’s gotta get his shits and giggles somehow, right? I mean, it’s not like they have cable up in heaven or anything. Just streams and couches. And grapes. Exciting.
This is the part where the story abruptly switches from Abraham to Lot. And I mean abruptly. Check it out:
(78) His people came excited to him. They were addicted to sin already.
Awkward switch, right? I don’t write this shit, I just report it. Somehow we’re at Lot’s place now and the angels are with him. And the townspeople are all excited and looking to sin. But Lot — pious old prophet that he is — tells them they should rape his daughters instead!
Said (Lot): “O my people, these daughters of mine are cleaner (and lawful) for you. Have fear of God, and do not shame me before my guests. Is there no man of discernment among you?”
I like how he says his daughters are cleaner. Not clean. Just cleaner. Either way, they’re nobody’s wife or mother, so they’re totally rapeable.
(79) They said: “You know we have no need for your daughters, and know well what we want.”
Ooooooh! Rejected! Poor girls. They get their sweet revenge later, though, when they get their dad drunk and have sex with him. Oh wait. That’s only in the Bible. It was too XXX for the Quran, so Mo left the incest stuff out of the Quran. Probably one of his smarter decisions, though he apparently didn’t bat an eyelash at the whole rape-my-daughters thing. I guess smart is a relative term.
(80) “I wish I had the power to resist you,” said (Lot), “or powerful support.”
And I wish I’d win the lottery so I could quit my job, buy a private island, make it a religion-free zone, and never have to hear about the Quran ever again. Doesn’t do a whole lot of good. Lot has got to be, by far, the pussiest of all prophets. I mean, seriously? Who uses his daughters as human shields against a crowd of rapists? And then whines about having power and support?
(81) (The angels) said: “O Lot, we have verily been sent by your Lord. They will never be able to harm you. So, leave late at night with your family, and none of you should turn back to look; but your wife will suffer (the fate) they are going to suffer. Their hour of doom is in the morning: Is not the morning nigh?”
The morning is totally nigh. (Who talks like this?)
Ever wonder why Lot’s wife gets killed? Yes, she looks back, but why? You’d think Lot would tell her, “Hey, wife, don’t look back or you’ll be turned into a pillar of salt,” whatever a pillar of salt is. What’s back there for her anyway?
Well, it turns out Lot’s wife cheated on him. Check it out:
(66:10) God advances the example of Noah’s wife and the wife of Lot for those who do not believe. They were married to Our two pious devotees, but they were unfaithful to them, and even (the apostles) could not avail them in the least against God; and it was said to them: “Enter Hell with those (who are condemned) to enter it.”
Yup! Noah’s wife cheated on him, too. (More on that in the next post!)
Lot’s wife found herself a bisexual man in the village full of gay rapists (gaypists?). And she had sex with him, so she’s in big trouble now. I like how this insinuates that maybe Lot’s daughters aren’t really his daughters at all. I mean, Mrs. Lot was running around on him, so who knows? Maybe the girls who later rape their drunk father in the cave aren’t really his biological daughters at all! So technically it’s not incest. Neat! But still gross, if you ask me. Biological or not, that’s some fucked up shit. I’m of the school of thought that you don’t have to give your DNA to someone to love them like they’re a part of you. But, erm, apparently loving them like they’re a part of you takes on a whole new meaning in the Bible.
(82) So when the decreed moment arrived, We turned the habitations upside down, and rained upon them stones of hardened lava in quick succession,
You knew that was coming. God turns the houses upside down (ha!) and stones everyone to death. Why? Why not? See above about no cable TV in heaven.
(83) Impressed with (the signs) of your Lord. And such (punishment) is not far for the (other) transgressers.
OK, there’s another awkward transition. Who is impressed with (the signs) of your Lord? The stones of hardened lava? God himself? Here’s the full sentence:
We turned the habitations upside down, and rained upon them stones of hardened lava in quick succession, Impressed with (the signs) of your Lord.
Unless God means embossed with the signs of your Lord, in which case — holy shit, God has a logo?? I would fucking love to see that. Find me a stone that has God’s logo on it. And then dig deep down to see if we can find us some gay skeletons! Someone get Harun Yayah on the case!
That’s all I have for the Abraham & Lot saga. Coming up next: Noah’s baby mama drama. After you call Harun Yayah, call up Maury Povich. It’ll be that kinda post. Stay tuned!