7: The Wall Between Heaven and Hell (Part II — The inmates of paradise.)
Check it out: gold label. I’m fancy!
I love love looovvvvve a day off from work. On to the Quran:
Inmates of paradise. Inmates! Ha! They’re not my words. They’re God’s. Or Ahmed Ali’s, in any case. I was so amused by his decision to use the word inmates, that I had to look up what some other people translated it as. Pickthall refers to them as “the dwellers of the Garden.” Boh-ring. Yusuf Ali calls them, “the Companions of the Garden.” Check out those caps. He could have probably taken it up a notch by using a little marketing 101: The Companions of the Garden™. Ooh la la. Now it’s as fancy as my rum. Either way, I still liked Ahmed Ali’s version best. The inmates of paradise. Translation: even when you go to heaven, you’re still God’s bitch.
If you’ve been following along, you know that I give Mohammed’s heaven a big fat F. An F-, if that’s possible. I mean, his description might sound incredible if you’re a desert nomad in 650 CE, but last I checked none of us are. Unless one of you has a time traveling Delorean you’re not telling me about. No, heaven is definitely not Mohammed’s forté. Hell is where he’s at his absolute best, if you can even call it that. When he talks about how people will writhe around in agony forever, how their skin will scorch and their insides will melt — you can practically see him ejaculating all over himself.
In chapter 7, Mohammed talks about heaven, hell, and the wall in between. He starts at the moment of death:
37. Who could be more wicked than he who imputes lies to God or denies His revelations? Such as these will receive what is declared in the Book, and when Our angels come to draw out their souls and ask: “Where are they you worshipped other than God?” They will answer: “They have left us and fled;” and bear witness against themselves for being infidels.
The book? Um, what book? This book didn’t exist in book form for at least 10 years after Mohammed’s death. Here’s how it went down: Mohammed would appoint scribes to write his verses down on something, anything. Parchment, flat stones, bits of leather, leaves, tree bark, and even the shoulder blade bones of animals. Anything with a flat enough surface to write on was fair game.
Some people also memorized the verses, so it existed in their heads. But the Quran wasn’t compiled together as an actual book until the caliph Uthman ordered it over a decade later. So what book is God talking about? Infallible word of God and all. ‘Splain that one to me.
Also, what about those who worshiped no gods? Who think polytheism is just as stupid as monotheism? I guess we get off scot-free. Score!
38. “Enter then the Fire,” will God say, “with the past generations of jinns and men.”
Oh really? He’ll actually say it? In his own voice? I’ll believe it when I hear it. Anyway, God says the jinns are going to burn in hell, too. Even though they’re, um, made out of fire. There’s some Quran logic for you. Enjoy that.
On entering each batch will condemn the other; and when all of them shall have entered one after the other, the last to come will say of those who had come before them: “O our Lord, they are the ones who led us astray; so give them double chastisement in the Fire.”
OK, so the people will enter hell in batches. And each batch will puss out at the entrance and start calling God “lord.” And they’ll be total assholes who say, “It’s that guy’s fault that I didn’t believe in you! Burn him twice as hard!” The fuck? Seriously? I think they’d be a little too concerned about themselves to start playing the blame game. I think they’d be too busy begging God to burn their asses half as much.
He will answer: “For all it will be double; but this you do not know.”
For all it will be double? Um. Double of what, exactly, if they’re all getting punished. That’s like saying, “I’m going to eat twice as much bacon.” Twice as much bacon as what? Does he mean twice as much as he was originally planning on burning them? Well, shit, that kind of blows the whole predestiny thing right out of the fucking water. Right? Right?? Now I’m hungry for bacon.
39. Then the former will say to the latter: “You have no privilege over us. So taste the punishment for what you had done.”
So the guys who went to hell first say to the new guys, “Neener neener neener! Ya’ll gon’ burn too, bitches!” Even though everyone is burning twice as much. Twice as much as….bacon?
Verily for those who deny Our signs and turn away in haughtiness from them, the gates of heaven shall not be opened, nor will they enter Paradise, not till the camel passes through the needle’s eye.
Not till the camel passes through the needle’s eye. As in when pigs fly. Yeah. I’m still stuck on the bacon. Anyway, God says once you go to hell, you’re fucked: you can never come out. I guess all those Muslims who think they might go to hell temporarily for their misdeeds are sorely mistaken. To them I say, “Neener neener neener! Ya’ll gon’ burn too, bitches!”
That is how We requite the transgressors:
41. For them is a flooring of Hell and a covering (of fire). That is how We requite the iniquitous.
Yup. Hell has wall to wall fire carpet. Sounds about right. Meanwhile, on the other side of the wall, God cleanses the hearts of all the people in heaven:
42. As for those who believe and do good, We never burden a soul beyond capacity. They are men of Paradise where they will abide for ever.
God never burdens a soul beyond capacity? Bullfuckingshit. Islam is chock full of rules and regulations governing every fucking aspect of your life. What you eat, what you wear, how you talk to someone, how short your pubes have to be, how many times you have to blow your nose to get the devil out. You can’t even think the wrong thing without fear of going to hell. If that’s not burdening a soul beyond capacity, shit, I don’t know what is.
43. Whatever the rancour they may have in their hearts We shall (cleanse and) remove. Streams of running water shall ripple at their feet, and they will say: “We are grateful to God for guiding us here. Never would we have been guided if God had not shown us the way. The apostles of our Lord had indeed brought the truth.” And the cry shall resound: “This is Paradise you have inherited as meed for your deeds.”
OK, so in heaven, everyone talks in unison. Little creepy, but I can see that happening. God is way into people who just go with the crowd. No need to think, ya’ll; just repeat whatever the guy next to you is saying. As long as he’s not, you know, a Jew or a Christian. Or a woman.
Anyway, in heaven, there will be no more anger or resentment, and you’ll get to live there forever. Sounds like a really nice place, what with the streams of running water and all.
44. And the inmates of Paradise will call to the residents of Hell: “We have found that the promise made to us by our Lord was true. Have you also found the promise of your Lord to be true?” They will answer: “Yes (it is so).”
Woah woah woah. Woah. Woooooooah. What just happened here? Didn’t God just say he removed all the resentment and anger from their hearts? But then, instead of feeling sorry for the people next door — the people whose skin is burned off just so it can regrow to burn off again — these heaven people taunt them? This is Mohammed’s God’s idea of no resentment or anger? The fuck?
Then a crier will call from among them: “The curse of God be on the vile,
45. “Who obstruct those who follow the path of God and try to make it oblique, who do not believe in the life to come.”
Yup. Heaven is a place where you can watch people get tortured by your (most merciful) god, and then mock them just for shits and giggles. Hey, Quran, your Mohammed is showing.
46. There will be a veil between them, and on the wall will be the men (of al-A’raf) who will recognise everyone by their distinguishing marks, and will call to the inmates of Paradise: “Peace on you,” without having entered it themselves though hoping to do so.
So al-A’raf is a literal wall between heaven and hell. It’s sort of a waiting room before people get sent to heaven or hell. These men (but apparently not women) can see into both heaven and hell, and it’s no surprise that they’re leaning more towards one than the other. (Hint: it’s not the place with the fire carpeting.) They, too, heckle the hell people:
47. When their eyes fall on the inmates of Hell they will say: “O Lord, do not place us in the crowd of the vile.” Recognising them by their marks the men of al-A’raf will call (to the inmates of Hell): “Of what use was your amassing (of wealth) of which you were proud?”
That’s right. God hates anyone who has a savings account. Anyone with a 401(k) can go straight to hell for being too financially responsible. And that’s not just God talking, either. I don’t know how you fuckers do it. I may end up a poor 65 year old, but dadgummit, I’ll have cuter shoes than any of the other old homeless broads. Back to the taunting:
49. (Then pointing to the inmates of Paradise, they will say): “Are they not those of whom you had sworn and said: ‘God will not have mercy on them?’ (And yet they have been told,) ‘Enter Paradise where you will have no fear or regret.’”
What’s the fifth grade insult count up to now? So far, we’ve had “God is rubber, you are glue,” “I know you are, but what am I?” and “Neener neener neener.” Add “I told you so,” to that list. Next time God will stick his tongue out and go “Thhhbddddddd!”
50. Those in Hell will call to the inmates of Paradise: “Pour a little water over us, or give us a little of what God has given you.” They will answer: “God has verily forbidden these to those who denied the truth.
51. “Who made a sport and frolic of their faith and were lured by the life of the world.” As they had forgotten the meeting of this Day so shall We neglect them today for having rejected Our signs.
See? God just went “Thhhhhbddddd!” You ignored God? Now he’ll ignore you. Sort of. Someone has to run the torture chamber and, shit, nobody causes pain and suffering quite like God. He’ll take great pleasure in watching you burn over and over again for all eternity. But don’t forget: God is totally merciful and kind. It’ll hurt him more than it hurts you. Or not.
Also, there’s that thing again about people being lured by the life of the world. There’s nothing Mohammed hates more than those who embrace this life and try to make the most of their time on earth. Which I totally don’t understand because old homeboy sure lived it up while he was in charge. For instance, despite all his talk of how evil it is to amass wealth, he had no problems keeping a fifth of all war booty for himself. And I’m talking about both the monetary booty, and the booty that came attached to pretty, young war captives. Oh, that Mohammed! Batshitass crazy, hypocritical as all hell, and quite the ladies man, as we’ll see in the next post.
That’s all I’ve got on the inmates of heaven. Coming up: Mohammed’s leading ladies. A look at the good prophet’s wives. And sex slaves. Titilating!