6: The Cattle (Part I — Woe is Mo.)
6 chapters down, only 108 more to go! Whoo! Are you pumped? Are you stoked?? Yeah, me neither. But I’ll do it, goddamnit, because it needs to be done. Pep talks are clearly not my thing. Let’s just get this show on the road before I change my mind, huh?
In the previous 5 chapters, God’s been hating on Jews and women a lot. Sometimes he jumps in and attacks the Christians, too. But I imagine nobody in Mecca was more shit out of luck than a Jewish woman. Except for maybe a Jewish lesbian. I believe the technical term for that situation is fucked. It would make for some really interesting reading, at least, but unfortunately for us, that’s not at all what this chapter is about. It’s about a group of people who God hates almost as much as he hates Jews: the idol-worshipers.
When I think of idol-worshipers, I imagine the guys from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. Kaaali maaaa! Shukthee dhey! Um, yeah. I imagine these guys weren’t quite the same. I took to the internets to find out.
Here’s a little background: chapter 6 was “revealed” to Mohammed in Mecca during his 12th year of preaching, right before he fled to Medina, where he became a political and military leader. In Mecca, he was just another preacher. A preacher that a lot of people hated: the Jews, the Christians, and even his own tribe, the Quraysh. The Quraysh (or Quraish) were a polytheistic pagan tribe, and they didn’t take too kindly to Mo’s proselytizing. After all the shit I’ve recently learned about the good prophet, I honestly can’t say I blame them.
Anyway, the Quraysh are the unbelievers Mohammed God talks so much shit about in chapter 6. And he wastes no time getting down and dirty:
1. ALL PRAISE BE to God who created the heavens and the earth, and ordained darkness and light. Yet the unbelievers make the others equal of their Lord.
2. It is He who created you from clay then determined a term (of life) for you, and a term (is fixed) with Him. Even then you doubt.
3. He is God in the heavens and the earth. He knows what you hide and bring out into the open, and knows what you earn (of good and evil).
4. Yet no sign of their Lord comes to them but they turn away from it.
The clay man was made from is no longer fermented. That’s positive! Not so positive: God is still jacking himself off every 2.5 verses. God is merciful, God is great. Yeah, we get it. Enough already.
6. Do they not see how many generations We laid low before them, whom We had firmly established in the land as We have not established you, and showered abundant rain on them, and made rivers lap at their feet, yet whom We destroyed for their sins, and raised new generations after them?
The fuck? No, obviously they didn’t see all those generations God demolished and replaced with new generations. They weren’t there. Shouldn’t the all-knowing God know that? And shouldn’t he just snap his fingers and *poof* send down some proof so these people will turn into believers?
7. Even if We had sent you a transcript on paper which they could feel with their hands, the unbelievers would have said: “This is nothing but clear sorcery.”
8. They say: “How is it no angel was sent down to him?” Had We sent an angel down the matter would have come to end, and they would have had no respite.
9. Even if We had sent down an angel as messenger he would have appeared in the garb of a man and filled them with confusion, like the one they are filled with.
Yup. That’s God’s idea of proof. Some words written on a piece of paper. And an angel dressed like a man. What. The. Hell? Where to begin?
First off, why the fuck would an angel have to dress like a man to appear in front of people? Why not just send down an angel that looks like an angel? Wouldn’t that kind of solve the whole confusion thing God’s bitching about? Also, what the hell, didn’t God send down angels to a bunch of other people? Mohammed himself, for starters. Plus Lot and Mary, just off the top of my head. They weren’t fucking confused. Not even Mary, who by God’s own logic, should be easily confused by stuff because she’s a woman.
But more importantly, this is all God can think of? Transcripts on paper and angels in men’s clothes? Seriously? This is the same fucking God that turned Jews into pigs and monkeys. Couldn’t he put that same kind of creativity into this?
And another thing. This is an excuse that a lot of you-have-to-have-faith people use even today: nonbelievers wouldn’t believe, even when faced with testable evidence of God’s existence. Bullshit! Give me some actual testable evidence that the invisible skyfairy exists, and I’ll be the first to say I was wrong. Then again, God’s idea of testable evidence is an angel disguised as a man and some sheets of paper. And a pedophile who thinks demons live in his fucking toilet. Yeah. I’ll just stay a kafir until he can come up with something that makes some goddamned sense.
Check out my favorite part of the whole chapter:
33. We know what they say distresses you. It is not you in fact they accuse of lies, but the wicked deny the revelations of God!
34. Many an apostle has been accused of lies before you. Yet they bore with fortitude the falsehoods and the hurt until our help arrived. There is no changing the word of God: The news of (past) apostles has come to you already.
God knows the pagans are getting under Mohammed’s skin, so he consoles him by saying that all the prophets had to deal with such hardship. And God just let them suffer until he felt like helping. That’s how he rolls, bitches. And then he says this:
35. If their aversion still weighs upon you, seek out a tunnel (going deep) into the earth, or a ladder reaching out to the skies, and bring them a sign: (Even then they will not believe). If God had willed He would have brought them all to the right path. So be not like the pagans.
That’s right. God says that if it bugs Mohammed so bad, he can find a tunnel to hell or a ladder to heaven and go fetch the proofs himself. Because, you know, hell is at the center of the earth. You have to go through it to get to China. And all you need to get to heaven is a really big ladder. No shit. I wonder why the astronauts haven’t run into it yet. Not that they would believe in it, even if they did find it.
25. There are some among them who listen to you; but We have put a covering on their hearts so that they fail to understand it, and a deafness appears in their ears. Even if they saw all the signs they would not believe in them; and even when they come to you to dispute with you, the unbelievers say: “This is nothing but fables of antiquity.”
Ha! Even back then, people were saying religion is a load of crap!
37. They say: “How is it no miracle was sent down to him from his Lord?” Say: “God certainly has power to send down a miracle; but most men cannot understand.”
God is just full of fucking excuses, isn’t he? He can’t send a sign because people will be confused and they wouldn’t believe it anyway. He can’t make the signs less confusing or more believable, because…well, I don’t fucking know why, because he doesn’t say. And even if he could come up with something really creative and understandable — which he can’t — it wouldn’t matter anyway, because God put a covering on their hearts.
39. Those who deny Our revelations are deaf, dumb, and lost in the dark. God sends whosoever He wills astray, and leads whom He will to the straight path.
God doesn’t want the unbelievers to believe. He makes it so they don’t understand the revelations, and he watches them stray off the righteous path. And then he banishes them to hell anyway. Why? Because he said so, that’s why.
You know, I’m not really sure why I continue to be surprised when a chapter in the Quran doesn’t make any sense. It’s getting harder and harder for me to understand how anyone could actually believe this shit, let alone kill and die for it. And yet there are plenty of people out there willing and ready to do just that. And even then, there are no guarantees that those people will get into heaven. God says so himself: he does what he wants. He misleads people on purpose. He sends people to hell just because he feels like it. By his own word, you could be a good, pious Muslim your entire life, and he could blast you to hell just ‘cuz. That’s God in a nutshell: all-knowing, all-powerful, and absolutely full of shit.
Coming up next: Abraham’s conversion story. Plus a bunch of other prophets who were just as batshitass crazy as Mohammed. Stay tuned!
Here are some more verses that are worth discussing, but not worth spending an entire post on:
- 10. Surely the apostles have been mocked before you; but what they had mocked rebounded on the mockers themselves.
Mohammed is rubber, pagans are glue. God is a big fan of that one. They mock him for mocking them, but the mock bounces back and mocks the mocker. Or something.
- 60. It is He indeed who sends you to death at night, and knows what you do in the day, then makes you rise with it again in order that the fixed term of life be fulfilled.
God sends you to death at night. You cannot make this shit up, people.
- 142. He has created beasts of burden and cattle for slaughter. So eat of what God has given you for food, and do not walk in the footsteps of Satan who is surely your declared enemy.
If you don’t eat meat, you’re walking in the footsteps of Satan. Hey vegetarians: you’re fucked.