5: The Feast (Part I — Guess what? The Jews still suck.)
Chapter 4 was a beast. Chapter 5? A feast. Har har! …sorry, couldn’t resist. Chapter 5 is called The Feast, but it’s also called The Table or The Table Spread depending on the version you’re reading. It briefly covers dietary law, and then moves on to stuff that’s far more interesting: Moses, Jesus, and even more of Mohammed’s insanity. The chapters are getting shorter — yesssss! — so it should move a little more quickly now. I don’t know about you, but I’m ready to get this party started.
Chapter 5 is the only one so far that does not start with the usual self-congratulatory intro bullshit. You know the verses I’m talking about. God is great, blah blah blah, you guys suck ass, merciful and kind, blah blah, burn in hell. God actually cuts straight to the chase, for once, and oh, how I thank him for that. It was getting seriously annoying having to wade through that muck to get to anything of substance. He starts off chapter 5 with some dietary laws:
3. Forbidden you is carrion and blood, and the flesh of the swine, and whatsoever has been killed in the name of some other than God, and whatever has been strangled, or killed by a blow or a fall, or by goring, or that which has been mauled by wild beasts unless slaughtered while still alive; and that which has been slaughtered at altars is forbidden, and also dividing the meat by casting lots with arrows. All this is sinful.
No carrion? Isn’t that kind of an obvious one? Didn’t Mohammed’s people have this figured out by then? I mean, what the hell kind of idiot is eating roadkill in 600 CE? Although if it’s his first converts, who these revelations are directed at, it might explain how the religion got off the ground in the first place.
God actually introduced some dietary laws already back in chapter 2 (verse 173). There were only 4 of them then. All this strangled, gored, arrows stuff is new. And kind of wasteful. I mean, say an animal falls off a cliff, lands on a rock right by your feet, and dies instantly….them’s good eatin’! What’s wrong with that? In 5:5, God says, “On this day all things that are clean have been made lawful for you.” Well, what’s so unclean about that? God doesn’t bother explaining, so it’s another one of those “because I said so, that’s why” laws.
And then God goes right back to stroking his own ego:
Today I have perfected your system of belief and bestowed My favours upon you in full, and have chosen submission (al-Islam) as the creed for you.
Perfected your system of belief? Perfected? Oh em effing gee. Conceited!!
For someone who talks so much crap, you’d think God would have double checked his references. Skip ahead a few chapters, you’ll find that God doesn’t even know basic biology:
86:5. Let man consider what he was made of:
86:6. He was created of spurting water
86:7. Issuing from (the pelvis) between the backbone and the ribs.
You read that right. God explains that man is made from spurting water. Or gushing fluid depending on the translation. And where does that water come from? Why, from between the backbone and the ribs, of course! All this talk of so-called “testicles” is just one big Jewish conspiracy, but we won’t get to that till later. Speaking of Jews, check out this verse:
60. Say: “Shall I inform you who will receive the worst chastisement from God? They who were condemned by God, and on whom fell His wrath, and those who were turned to apes and swine, and those who worship the powers of evil. They are in the worse gradation, and farthest away from the right path.
God turned Jews into apes and pigs. Apes. And pigs. Kind of makes you wonder if that’s why he outlawed pork in the first place. Eating apes, so far, is fair game. I wonder if he’ll cover that later. For now, though, you should play it safe. Stay away from pork — it’s too Jew-y.
5. And lawful are the chaste Muslim women, and the women of the people of the Book who are chaste, (for marriage) and not fornication or liaison, if you give them their dowries.
God lays down another law: Muslim men can marry and have sex with (virginal) Muslim women, (virginal) Jewish women, (virginal) Christian women, just so long as they pay them first. Ahhh the dowry system. It’s like prostitution, only they can’t leave! The Arabic word for this dowry is Mahr, and it’s a legal requirement for marriage. Note that it says nothing about Muslim women marrying Jews or Christians. That’s because it’s not legal. It ensures that the Muslim population grows while the infidel population shrinks. And it also ensures that women are treated less like human beings and more like commodities. I’m sensing this will be a theme throughout the book, so brace yourselves. Moving on:
19. O you people of the Book, Our Apostle has come to you when apostles had ceased to come long ago, lest you said: “There did not come to us any messenger of good news or of warnings.” So now there has reached you a bearer of good tidings and of warnings; for God has the power over all things.
Yup. God sent Mohammed to the Arabs so they wouldn’t bitch about not having their own prophet. And speaking of bitching, Moses and the Jews make another appearance:
20. Remember when Moses said to his people: “O my people, remember the favours that God bestowed on you when He appointed apostles from among you, and made you kings and gave you what had never been given to any one in the world.
I’m noticing a pattern here: prophets in the Quran are constantly reminding people that God did some really great things for them….a thousand years ago. Like any of these people will a) remember or b) care. 800 years ago, Genghis Khan killed, pillaged and raped his way across Europe and Asia. Do you see any of his descendents in prison, taking the blame for that? No. Why? Because it doesn’t make any goddamn sense to punish someone for crimes they didn’t personally commit. It doesn’t make any goddamn sense to hold a grudge against someone for something their great great great great great great grandfather did.
Yet isn’t that exactly what God expects the Jews to do? Own up to some promise they didn’t even make? And isn’t it the same deal with Christians and that whole idea of original sin? All women are punished with the pain of childbirth for something one woman did forever ago? And Muslims. You’re basically fucked if you’re born a Muslim, because if you embrace reality and abandon the religion your ancestors converted to a thousand years ago, you deserve to die. Yeah. That seems totally reasonable. That makes perfect sense. If you’re a prophet and you want to use guilt and fear to con people into taking your psychotic ramblings seriously, anyway.
21. Enter then, my people, the Holy Land that God has ordained for you, and do not turn back, or you will suffer.”
22. They said: “O Moses, in that land live a people who are formidable; we shall never go there until they leave. We shall enter when they go away.”
So God sets aside the Holy Land for the Jews, only he really doesn’t. There are people living there already. Where are they supposed to live? Who fucking cares! God wants the Jews to have that land, and Moses is supposed to lead them there. They don’t really have a say in the matter, because if they try to leave it, they will suffer. Gosh, that’s not shady at all. What the hell, Jews? The guy is telling you that you’re going to a place set aside just for you, but you can never ever leave it for, under threat of pain, and you don’t even ask, whhhhy?? No, no. That would make the Jews look like somewhat intelligent people, and we’ll have none of that in the Quran.
Instead the Jews just stand around whining, which is basically all they do in the Quran when they’re not plotting and scheming against Mohammed. They tell Moses to tell God to get rid of the other people living in the Holy City at the time. You’d think Moses would just say, “Aw screw you guys. I’m sick of being your in-between guy. I’m going to the city myself, and you bitches can find your own place to live.” I mean, holy hell, isn’t he, like, 500 years old at this time? Time to grow a fucking pair, Moses.
23. Then two of the men who feared (God), and to whom God was gracious, said to them: “Charge and rush the gate. If you enter, you will surely be victorious. And place your trust in God if you truly believe.”
24. They said: “O Moses, we shall never, never enter so long as they are there. Go you and your Lord to fight them; we stay here.”
25. Said (Moses): “O Lord, I have control over none but myself and my brother; so distinguish between us and these, the wicked people.”
OK, Moses goes to God and asks him to get rid of the locals. Seems like a reasonable request. God is all-powerful and most benevolent. He said “be” and made man out of a single cell a single soul dust fermented clay nothing a blood clot an embryo I’m not really fucking sure what. He could just snap his fingers and *poof* the city would be all clear. But no. That would be too easy.
Instead of just doing his buddy a favor, God tells Moses to bum rush the city gates. And he tells Moses that if they can get through the gates, they will win. That’s a big fucking if, there. I mean, what happens if they can’t get through the gates? The Jews will want to know these things. But Moses doesn’t even bother asking.
No, what Moses does is whine. He flops down, belly-up, and starts bitching about how all the other Jews are jerks. He could have taken the opportunity to leverage God, kiss his ass a little. Maybe try to sell him the idea that his people are actually really nice, but kind of incompetent, and that they really need God to help them out. He could at least have offered to sacrifice some goats or something. But no. Moses has himself a nice fucking temper tantrum. Right there, in front of God. How. Embarrassing. Moses may be a prophet, but he’s still a Jew. And there’s no room for a smart Jew in the Quran.
26. (And God) said: “Then verily this land is forbidden them for forty years, and they shall wander perplexed over the earth. So do not grieve for these, the wicked people.”
That’s God’s solution. Make the Jews wander around “over” the earth for forty years. As opposed to “around” the earth for forty years. But more on that later, when we get to some other retarded verses that speak of a flat earth. Here’s another story that sounds awfully familiar:
27. Narrate to them exactly the tale of the two sons of Adam. When each of them offered a sacrifice (to God), that of one was accepted, and that of the other was not. Said (the one): “I will murder you,” and the other replied: “God only accepts from those who are upright and preserve themselves from evil.
Abel and Cain, ladies and gentlemen, although the Quran doesn’t give them names. The two brothers make sacrifices to God, and God only accepts one of them. What the fuck? What did he think that could possibly lead to? Why not just take both sacrifices, pat both boys on the head, make them both feel good and call it a day? Why play favorites? Whhhhy??
My opinion? God enjoys a good death cage match, especially if the fight is over him. It makes him feel like the belle of the fucking ball, watching these two poor guys duke it out over who loves him more. Winner takes all, loser goes to hell. God is merciful, benevolent, and totally not insecure at all.
28. If you raise your hand to kill me, I will raise not mine to kill you, for I fear God, the Lord of all the worlds;
29. I would rather you suffered the punishment for sinning against me, and for your own sin, and became an inmate of Hell. And that is the requital for the unjust.”
30. Then the other was induced by his passion to murder his brother, and he killed him, and became one of the damned.
Wow. Abel is taking some serious lessons from God, right? He’s absolutely fucking gleeful at the idea of his brother going to hell, so he doesn’t bother running or anything. He takes the beating, dies and probably goes straight to heaven, where he and God high five and laugh at Cain for becoming one of the damned. Which, by the way, makes absolutely no fucking sense. This is the first actual crime on earth, so, um, shouldn’t Cain become the first of the damned? I’m just sayin’.
31. Then God sent a raven which scratched the ground in order to show him how to hide the nakedness of his brother. “Alas, the woe,” said he, “that I could not be even like the raven and hide the nakedness of my brother,” and was filled with remorse.
32. That is why We decreed for the children of Israel that whosoever kills a human being, except (as punishment) for murder or for spreading corruption in the land, it shall be like killing all humanity; and whosoever saves a life, saves the entire human race. Our apostles brought clear proofs to them; but even after that most of them committed excesses in the land.
God sends a bird to show Cain how to bury his brother, and then Cain feels remorseful. Remorseful. He feels bad. Perhaps he even repents. By God’s own laws, that should mean that he’s absolved of his sins, and is in fact not one of the damned, but the Quran makes no mention of that. Whatever. God breaks his own rules all the fucking time. But nobody can question it or he’ll put them in his private torture chamber forfuckingever. Why? Because he says so, that’s why.
In that last verse, God makes a rule that if a Jew kills a person, it’s the equivalent of killing the entire human race. And if he saves a person’s life, it’s like he’s saving the entire human race. Does this law apply to anyone other than Jews? Nope. This is a special rule just for the Jews.
I have to ask again: cui bono? Who benefits from this? The Jews certainly don’t. And I don’t really see how God benefits from any of this, one way or another. But Mohammed? Oh, Mohammed totally benefits from it. If a Muslim is killed at the hands of a Jew, the Muslim goes straight to heaven for being a martyr, while the Jew is just that much more screwed. Which serves him right, because the Jews are ungrateful, they whine and complain a lot, they constantly challenge God’s decisions, and they totally turn their back on God every time Moses leaves the room. God does not like the Jews, and neither should the Muslims. This makes it OK to fight them, convert them, kill them, and, yes, even to die at their hands. God is most benevolent, alright, but only if you’re a Muslim. Need more proof? Check it out:
33. The punishment for those who wage war against God and His Prophet, and perpetrate disorders in the land, is to kill or hang them, or have a hand on one side and a foot on the other cut off, or banish them from the land. Such is their disgrace in the world, and in the Hereafter their doom shall be dreadful.
Try to stop the spread of Islam and you’ll go to hell for all of eternity. Meh. I saw that one coming. But God goes a couple of steps further. Muslims have the option of executing you to send you to hell just that much faster. If they’re having a good day, they can just banish you from the country. Or, if they’re having a bad day, they can hack off your hand and foot. That way you can suffer right here on earth before you die and go to hell to suffer some more. Fuckshitandass. Nothing says “merciful” quite like chopping off someone’s limbs. Thieves, at least, have it slightly better:
38. As for the thief, whether man or woman, cut his hand as punishment from God for what he had done; and God is all mighty and all wise.
39. But those who repent after a crime and reform, shall be forgiven by God, for God is forgiving and kind.
God makes it a-OK to chop off someone’s hand. And then reminds you that he’s forgiving and kind. Of course. Screw fines, screw jail, screw community service. When you catch a thief, chop off his fucking hand. That’ll learn him! I was under the impression that nobody actually practiced this form of punishment anymore. I mean, isn’t jail a little less messy? Word to the wise: do not do a Google image search on this topic. You will have nightmares.
Also, just a hypothetical question, what if the theif you catch does not have hands? What if he’s a third time offender? God doesn’t really explain that one. But then again, I imagine if you have one hand lobbed off, you might think twice about stealing again.
What happens if you catch a child stealing? Do you have to chop off the kid’s hand? I ask this because when we lived in Saudi Arabia, I stole something. Sort of. We were in a store that sold ceramic figurines, and there was a stack of mail-order type catalogs sitting by the door. I took one as we were leaving, and a little while later, I showed it to my father. He shit kittens. He ran back to the store, returned the catalog and apologized profusely to the sales clerk. The clerk told him that the catalogs were free; everything was fine. At least at the store. I got yelled at the whole way home.
I didn’t really understand my dad’s extremely emotional reaction to that situation until I got much older. And after seeing those images on Google, it makes my heart ache. For all he knew, they would have taken his 5 year old daughter to the square and chopped off her little hand. After all, we’re talking about God’s law here, and you can’t go against it. Not unless you want to go to hell yourself, to have all your skin burn off, regrow and burn off again. So much for forgiveness and kindness, right? And about the God is most fair bit:
40. Do you not know that God’s is the kingdom of the heavens and the earth? He punishes whom He will, and pardons whom He please, for God has the power over all things.
Yup. God does what he wants. Even if you’re a good person all your life, even if you’re a good Muslim all your life, he might punish you just because he feels like it. Why? Because. End of story. How’s that for just and fair?
I’ve talked a little bit about how downright weird Mohammed was. I’ve been reading a lot of hadith because, well, they’re way more fucked up than even the Quran. And the more I read, the more I realize just how nutty the guy was. Remember the evil spirits in the bathroom? Well that’s just the tip of the iceberg:
Sahih Muslim Book 2, Number 0458:
Abu Huraira reported Allah’s Apostle (may peace be upon him) as saying: When anyone wipes himself with pebbles (after answering the call of nature) he must make use of an odd number and when any one of you performs ablution he must snuff in his nose water and then clean it.
When you take a shit, wipe your ass with an odd number of pebbles. Why? Who fucking knows?! But Mohammed sure loves those odd numbers:
Sahih Muslim Book 2, Number 0462:
Abu Huraira reported: The Apostle of Allah (may peace be upon him) said. When any one of you awakes up from sleep and performs ablution, he must clean his nose three times, for the devil spends the night in the interior of his nose.
Here’s something I bet you didn’t know: the devil sleeps inside your nose. To get him out, you have to blow your nose. Three times. To get the devil out. Of your nose. Double you. Tee. Eff. You can’t make this shit up. Or, wait, you can. Either way, Mohammed has some serious issues. So it should come as no surprise that he had issues with paranoia:
41. Be not grieved, O Apostle, by those who hasten to outrace others in denial, and say with their tongues: “We believe,” but do not believe in their hearts. And those of the Jews who listen to tell lies, and spy on behalf of others who do not come to you, and who distort the words (of the Torah) out of context, and say: “If you are given (what we say is true) accept it; but if you are not given it, beware.” You cannot intercede with God for him whom God would not show the way. These are the people whose hearts God does not wish to purify. For them is ignominy in this world and punishment untold in the next —
42. Eavesdropping for telling lies, earning through unlawful means!
Did you catch all of that? The Jews are eavesdropping on Mohammed. They listen to what he has to say, but only so they can turn around and lie about it. They’re spies — they distort God’s words and take things out of context. And you know what? God doesn’t even want to purify their hearts. Neener neener neener, God love us more.
43. But why should they make you a judge when the Torah is with them which contains the Law of God? Even then they turn away. They are those who will never believe.
44. We sent down the Torah which contains guidance and light, in accordance with which the prophets who were obedient (to God) gave instructions to the Jews, as did the rabbis and priests, for they were the custodians and witnesses of God’s writ. So, therefore, do not fear men, fear Me, and barter not My messages away for a paltry gain. Those who do not judge by God’s revelations are infidels indeed.
And you know what else? God gave those jerks the Torah anyway, and they don’t even believe in that. They’re not going to listen anyway, so Mohammed shouldn’t waste his time. God tells Mohammed to just take his fucking ball and go home. He didn’t wanna hang out with you guys anyway.
48. And to you We have revealed the Book containing the truth, confirming the earlier revelations, and preserving them (from change and corruption). So judge between them by what has been revealed by God, and do not follow their whims, side-stepping the truth that has reached you. To each of you We have given a law and a way and a pattern of life. If God had pleased He could surely have made you one people (professing one faith). But He wished to try and test you by that which He gave you. So try to excel in good deeds. To Him will you all return in the end, when He will tell you of what you were at variance.
Mohammed received the “truth” which confirms the Torah and the Gospel and preserves them from change. Which is totally fucking retarded when you consider how much difference there is between the Old Testament, the New Testament, and the Quran. How exactly has God preserved the changes between them? How has he even preserved changes in the Quran itself, what with its abrogated verses and its inconsistencies from one chapter to the next?
God also tosses in the fact that he could have made you all get along if he wanted to. But, again, God loves a good cage match to the death, and it’s so much more fun watching you duke it out with one another. The sad thing is that not much has changed over 1400 years later. Everyone’s still waving around their little instruction manual from God, and people are still fighting and dying over him. Can’t we all just get along? The short answer: no. No we can’t. And God makes damn sure of that:
51. O believers, do not hold Jews and Christians as your allies. They are allies of one another; and anyone who makes them his friends is surely one of them; and God does not guide the unjust.
55. Your only friends are God and His Messenger, and those who believe and are steadfast in devotion, who pay the zakat and bow in homage (before God).
62. You will see among them many who rush into sin and wickedness, and devour unlawful gain. How evil are the things they do!
63. Why do not their rabbis and priests prohibit them from talking of sinful things and from devouring unlawful gain? Evil are the acts they commit!
64. The Jews say: “Bound are the hands of God.” Tied be their own hands, and damned may they be for saying what they say! In fact, both His hands are open wide: He spends of His bounty in any way He please. But what your Lord has revealed to you will only increase their rebellion and unbelief. So We have caused enmity and hatred among them (which will last) till the Day of Resurrection. As often as they ignite the fires of war they are extinguished by God. Yet they rush around to spread corruption in the land; but God does not love those who are corrupt.
65. If the people of the Book had believed and feared, We would surely have absolved them of their sins, and admitted them to gardens of delight.
66. And if they had followed the teachings of the Torah and the Gospel, and what has been sent down to them by their Lord, they would surely have enjoyed (blessings) from the heavens above and the earth below their feet.
On September 11, after the towers collapsed, they showed a lot of footage of Muslims around the world dancing and rejoicing, followed immediately by other footage of other Muslims crying and mourning. I remember, back then, being absolutely shocked at what I saw. How could anyone take such pleasure at someone else’s misery? How could anyone dance in the streets after watching so many people die? And you know what? After reading just a few chapters of this lovely book, I find myself more surprised at all the Muslims that were mourning.
As if you needed even more proof that God is a masochistic little shit, check out this one last verse:
54. O believers, any one of you who turns back on his faith (should remember) that God could verily bring (in your place) another people whom He would love as they would love Him, gentle with believers, unbending with infidels, who would strive in the way of God, unafraid of blame by any slanderer. Such is the favour of God which He bestows on whomsoever He will. God is infinite and all-knowing.
That’s right. If God wanted to, he could just replace you. He could wipe you all out, and get new people. Better people. People who would love God the way he loved them. You know what? You’re lucky he’s dating you. He could do so much better. But he’s the only option you have, people, so you better put out or get out. God can abrogate his revelations, and goddammit, he can just as easily abrogate you.
One quick question, though. If God could just wipe everyone out and replace them with lackeys, wouldn’t that mean there would be no infidels left? So, uh, what infidels would they be unbending towards? Just asking.
…book free of doubt and involution my ass.
Coming up next: more Jeebux! Plus juicy details about Satan! Stay tuned.